How I made friends with reality

I have stage IV lung cancer.

Oh, I know, "poor me."

I don't feel that way.

I'm so OK with it.

And granted, I have certain advantages.

Not everybody can take
so cavalier and attitude.

I don't have young children.

I have a grown daughter who's
brilliant and happy and wonderful.

I don't have huge financial stress.

My cancer isn't that aggressive.

It's kind of like
the Democratic leadership --

(Laughter)

not concinved it can win.

It's basically just sitting there,

waiting for Goldman Sachs
to give it some money.

(Applause)

Oh!

And the best thing of all:

I have a major accomplishment
under my belt.

Yes.

I didn't even know it until someone
tweeted me a year ago.

And here's what they said:

"You are responsible

for the pussification
of the American male."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Not that I can take
all the credit, but ...

(Laughter)

But what if you don't have my advantages?

The only advice I can give you
is to do what I did:

make friends with reality.

You couldn't have a worse relationship
with reality than I did.

From the getgo,

I wasn't even attracted to reality.

(Laughter)

If they'd had Tinder when I met reality,

I would have swiped left

and the whole thing would have been over.

(Laughter)

And reality and I --

we don't share the same values,

the same goals --

(Laughter)

To be honest,

I don't have goals;

I have fantasies.

They're exactly like goals
but without the hard work.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

I'm not a big fan of hard work,

but you know reality --

it's either push, push, push, push, push

through its agent --

the executive brain function --

one of the [yays] of dying:

my executive brain function
won't have me to kick around anymore.

(Laughter)

But something happened

that made me realize

that reality may not be reality.

Though it happened was because
I basically wanted reality

to leave me alone,

but I wanted to be left alone
in a nice house

with a [Wolf range]

and subzero refrigerator,

private yoga lessons --

I ended up with a development
deal at Disney,

and one day I found myself
in my new office

on Two Dopey Drive --

(Laughter)

which reality thought
I should be proud of ...

(Laughter)

And I'm staring at the present
they sent me to celebrate my arrival.

Not the [Lillith] vase or the grand piano
I've heard of other people getting,

but a three-foot-tall,
stuffed Mickey Mouse

with a catalogue in case I wanted
to order some more stuff

that didn't jive with my aesthetic.

(Laughter)

And when I looked up in the catalogue

to see how much
this three-foot-high mouse cost,

here's how it was described:

"Life-sized."

(Laughter)

And that's when I knew.

Reality wasn't "reality,"

reality was an imposter.

So I dived into quantum physics
and chaos theory

to try to find actual reality,

and I've just finished a movie --

yes, finally finished --

about all that,

so I won't go into it here,

and anyway it wasn't until after
we shot the movie

when I broke my leg,

and then it didn't heal,

and then they had to do
another surgery a year later,

and then that took a year --

two years in a wheelchair.

And that's when I came into contact
with actual reality:

limits.

Those very limits I'd spent
my whole life denying

and pushing past

and ignoring

were real,

and I had to deal with them,

and I took imagination, creativity
and my entire skillset.

It turned out I was great
at actual reality.

I didn't just come to terms with it,

I fell in love.

And I should've known,

given my equally shaky relationship
with the zeitgeist --

I'll just say if anyone's in the market
for a [Beta Max] --

(Laughter)

I should have known that the moment
I fell in love with reality,

the rest of the country would decide
to go in the opposite direction.

(Laughter)

But I'm not here to talk about Trump
or the alt-right or climate change deniers

or even the makers of this thing,

which I would have called a box,

except that right here it says,

"This is not a box."

(Laughter)

They're gaslighting me.

(Laugther)

(Applause)

But what I do want to talk about

is a personal challenge to reality

that I take personally,

and I want to preface it by saying
that I absolutely love science.

I have this --

not a scientist myself --

but an uncanny ability to understand
everything about science,

except the actual science --

(Laughter)

which is math.

But the most outlandish concepts
make sense to me.

String Theory.

The idea that all of reality emanates
from the vibrations of these tiny --

I call it "The Big Twang" --

(Laughter)

Wave particle reality;

the idea that one thing
can manifest as two things,

you know?

That a photon can manifest
as a wave and a particle coincided

with my deepest intuitions

that people are good and bad,

ideas are right and wrong.

So I was right about penis envy
and he was wrong about who has it.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Thank you.

And then there's this slight
variation on that,

which is reality looks like two things,

but it turns out to be the interaction
of those two things,

like space/time,

mass/energy

and life and death.

So I don't I understand --

I simply don't understand

the mindset of people who are out
to "defeat death" and "overcome death."

How do you do that?

How do you defeat death
without killing off life?

It doesn't make sense to me.

I also have to say,

I find it incredibly ungrateful.

I mean, you're given
this extraordinary gift --

life --

but it's as if you had asked Santa
for a Rolls Royce [overshadow]

and you had gotten
a salad spinner instead.

You know, it's the beef --

the beef with it is that it comes
with an expiration date.

Death is the dealbreaker.

I don't get that.

To me it's disrespectful.

It's disrespectful to nature.

The idea that we're going
to dominate nature,

we're going to master nature,

nature is too weak
to withstand our intellect --

no, I don't think so.

I think if you've actually read
quantum physics as I have --

well, I read an email
from someone who'd read it --

(Laughter)

You have to understand

that we don't live in Newton's
clockwork universe anymore.

We live in a banana peel universe,

and we won't ever be able
to know everything

or control everything

or predict everything.

Nature is like self-driving car.

The best we can be is like
the old woman in that joke --

I don't know if you've heard it.

An old woman is driving

with her middle-aged daughter
in the passenger seat,

and the mother goes
right through a red light,

and the daughter doesn't want to say
anything that sounds like,

"You're too old to drive,"

so she didn't say anything.

And then the mother goes through
a second red light,

and the daughter,

as tactfully as possible,

says, "Mom, are you aware

that you just went through
two red lights?"

And the mother says,

"Oh, am I driving?"

(Laughter)

So ...

and now I'm going to take a mental leap,

which is easy for me because
I'm the Evel Knievel of mental leaps;

my license plate says,

['Cogatow ergo zoom."]

I hope you're willing
to go with me on this,

but my real problem with the mindset
that is so out to defeat death

is if you're anti-death,

which to me translates as anti-life,

which to me translates as anti-nature,

it also translates to me as anti-woman,

because women have long been
identified with nature,

and my source on this is [Hannah Aaron],

the German philosopher who wrote
a book called "The Human Condition."

And in it she says that classically,

work is associated with men.

Work is what comes out of the head;

it's what we invent,

it's what we create,

it's how we leave our mark upon the world.

Whereas labor is associated with the body.

It's associated with the people
who perform labor

or undergo labor.

So to me,

the mindset that denies that --

that denies that we're in sync
with the biorhythms,

the cyclical rhythms of the universe,

does not create a hospitable
environment for women

or for people associated with labor,

which is to say,

people that we associate
as descendants of slaves,

or people who perform manual labor.

So here's how it looks

from a banana peel universe point of view,

from my mindset which I call,
"Emily's universe."

First of all,

I am incredibly grateful for life,

but I don't want to be immortal.

I have no interest in having
my name live on after me.

In fact, I don't want it to

because it's been my observation

that no matter how nice
and how brilliant

and how talented you are,

50 years after you die,

they turn on you.

(Laughter)

And I have actualy proof of that.

A headline from the Los Angeles Times:

"Anne Frank; Not So Nice Afterall."

(Laughter)

Plus, I love being in sync

with the cyclical rhythms of the universe.

That's what's so extraordinary about life:

it's a cycle of generation,
degeneration, regeneration.

"I" am just a collection of particles
that is arranged into this pattern,

then will decompose and be available,

all of its constiuent parts to nature

to reorganize into another pattern.

To me, that is so exciting,

and it makes me even more grateful
to be part of that process.

You know,

I look at death now from the point of view
of a German biologist,

[Andreas Waither],

who looks at it as
part of the gift economy.

You're given this enormous gift:

life,

you enrich it as best you can,

and then you give it back.

And, you know, Auntie Mame
said, "Life is a banquet,"

well, I've eaten my fill.

I have had enormous appetite for life,

I've consumed life

but in death,

I'm going to be consumed.

I'm going into the ground
just the way I am,

and there I invited every microbe
and a [treetathur] and composer

to have their fill --

I think they'll find me delicious.

(Laughter)

I do.

So the best thing about my attitude
I think is that it's real.

You can see it.

You can observe it.

It actually happens.

It's not a --

well, maybe no my enriching the gift,

I don't know about that --

but my life has certainly
been enriched by other people.

By TED,

which introduced me to
a whole network of people

who have enriched my life,

including Tricia McGuillis,

my website designer,

who's working with my wonderful daughter

to take my website
and turn it into something

where all I have to do is write a blog,

I don't have to use the executive
brain function --

ha, ha, ha, I win!

And I am so grateful to you.

I don't want to say, "the audience,"

because I don't really see it
as we're two separate things.

I think of it in terms
of quantum physics again.

And, you know, quantum physicists
are not exactly sure what happens

when the wave becomes a particle.

There are different theories --

the collapse of the wave,

[function decoherent] --

but they're all agreed one thing:

that reality comes into being
through an interaction.

So do you.

And every audience I've ever had,

past and present.

Thank you so much
for making my life real.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)

Thank you.