Rent-a-sister: Coaxing Japan’s hikikomori men out of their bedrooms - BBC News

[Amelia Hemphill] Japan has a problem.
Hundreds of thousands of young men,

who lock themselves
away in their bedrooms,

sometimes not leaving
their homes for decades. They're known

as hikikomori-- people who have
completely withdrawn from society.

[Kenta] I was so unhappy. I cried
everyday, blaming my parents,

I felt completely lost.

[Ikuo] I felt angry at myself,
angry at society, like there was

nothing I could do.

[Hemphill] It's a condition without a
proper medical diagnosis, or a

standard course of treatment.

[Mr. Haruto] Once he smashed a window,
another time he punched my wife

and broke her ribs.

[Hemphill] But there is something
that seems to be helping.

Ayako is a rental sister. She and
Atsuko are part of a

specialized group of
women available for hire, who are getting

paid to help Japan's most reclusive
young men get out of their bedrooms

and back into society.

[Hemphill] Away from Tokyo's bright
lights, tall buildings, and busy junctions,

are the people I've come here to meet.
Hikikomori at different stages of a

complex recovery. The condition can effect
both men and women, but most are young

men between 18 and 35, and this is not
just a hand-full of people. It's estimated

that there are about half a million people
living as hikikomori in Japan.

But because there can be a lot of shame
associated with having a hikikomori child,

many families keep the condition a secret
and struggle to get proper help.

That's where the rental sisters come in.
The idea was dreamed up by an organization

called, 'New Start,' and it seems to be
working. These young women don't

have any formal medical qualifications,
but families pay about a hundred thousand

yen a month for weekly hour-long visits.
That's just under nine hundred dollars.

Their job is to try to coax their
hikikomori out of isolation and back

into regular life. So what does it take
to be a rental sister? And are they

actually helping to solve the problem?

[Ayako] There is no technique. I don't
pretend, I just try to connect with them

on their level.

[Hemphill] Ayako has been a rental
sister for over a decade, but the last

six months she's been working with
a recovering hikikomori in his

late twenties, called Kenta. His parents
pay for Ayako to visit him every two weeks.

She took me along to one of her
sessions in the suburbs of Tokyo.

Kenta has now managed to move out
of home, but still can't hold down a job.

[doorbell rings]

[Greeting in Japanese]
[Ayako] Konnichiwa.

>>Konnichiwa.
[Speaking in Japanese]

Ayako told me that it can sometimes take
between six months and two years to build

trust and start the recovery process.

[Kenta] I got bullied at school
because people thought I had a

high-pitched voice, and that I was
friends with all the girls in my class.

They'd say 'are you a boy or a girl?'

[Hemphill] How did you feel
when you were hikikomori?

[Kenta] I was taking medicine, I was so
unhappy. I cried everyday, blaming

my parents. I felt completely lost.
There was one time I even went violent and

my parents had to call the police.
I was basically nocturnal. I would stay

up all night playing video games, and
then sleep during the day, until the late

afternoon.

[Hemphill] The reason why people
become hikikomori is complex and not

well-understood. Sometimes, like Kenta's
case, the social withdraw can be caused by

bullying or a traumatic event. It can also
stem from depression, too much pressure

from parents, or just failure to hold down
a job or degree. Every case is different.

How do you feel like having a rental
sister has changed you?

[Kenta] I enjoy seeing my rental sister
very much. We go out to eat, and then go

out together, and I feel like she supports
me. It makes so much difference to

how I feel, compared with just being
alone, and she cheers me up.

[Hemphill] Ayako told me later that it's
actually quite rare for the client to have

fun with the rental sister and enjoy
seeing them. But she's hoping that soon,

Kenta won't need her anymore.

[Kenta] The time when I stop seeing Ayako
will be-- I will miss her if I cannot

see her, but when I can work properly and
become stable, what people misunderstand

is that our society is
very tough on the weak.

[Hemphill] I asked Ayako what kind of
approach she takes when working with

young men like Kenta.

[Ayako] If I tried to be something fake,
the patients would realize that. Being

myself, just the way I am, even if I'm
a bit late, or tired, the client will

feel, 'ah it's okay to be like that.' It
would be difficult if you're not patient

or get disappointed if the client will not
respond to you. You have to remember

that this is just a job.

[Hemphill] But for the families with
hikikomori children, the condition can

have a huge impact. I met a father,
we'll call him Mr. Haruto, whose son

became withdrawn as a teenager,
and two decades later,

still barely leaves his room.

[Mr. Haruto] I don't know how to handle
this. It feels like there are no options.

Even after the boy's mother died, he
didn't change. So I don't foresee any

hopes for the future.

[Hemphill] So why is your son in his room?

[Haruto] I don't know the reason. One day,
he just stopped going to school.

At first, he would go out sometimes to
buy comic books, and then he just stopped

going out altogether. We didn't know what
to do. There are two or three times, we

had to call to the police because my son
got violent. Once he smashed a window,

another time he punched
my wife and broke her ribs.

[Hemphill] Knowing where to get
treatment can be hard,

especially if the hikikomori refuses to
leave his room to visit his doctor.

Mr. Haruto decided that New Starts
Rental Sisters seemed worth a try.

[Haruto] I thought perhaps, they could
talk to my son, because it was clear that

family members couldn't
do anything anymore.

[Hemphill] An experienced rental sister,
called Atsuko, started to visit.

[Atsuko] Today, I will visit the
hikikomori in his home. So far, I've

visited about 10 or 15 times, but he
never comes out of his room.

So I have to talk to him
through the door.

[Hemphill] Apparently that's quite a
common reaction in the early stages.

Even though the young man refuses to
talk to her, she still writes him long

letters that she pushes
underneath the door.

[Atsuko] I try not to make them feel like
someone's looking down on them or

are trying to control them. I'm not trying
to be a teacher, but I try to interact

with them like an older sister, or a
neighbor, someone more casual who

worries about them and is there for
them as a gentle presence.

[Hemphill] Most hikikomori are not
violent, but Atsuko always has to be

on her guard for any
unpredictable behavior.

[Atsuko] When I do my visit, there are many
people who are crying and don't come

out of the bedroom, but some hikikomori
get upset or violent when a stranger

comes into their space. One time when
I was speaking to a boy, he physically

attacked me, grabbing me by the throat.
I was very scared, I called the police

right away. I didn't want
to go back there.

[Hemphill] Rental sisters like Atsuko
aren't mental health counselors and don't

have any formal qualifications.
They get some training from New Start,

but that's about it. Their mission is to
help the hikikomori be okay with who

they are and how they feel, and to
make that work for them in a real-world

setting. But they will bring in doctors
if they feel like they need to.

I wanted to find out more about the
hikikomori condition, and why it's such

a phenomenon in Japan. I got in touch
with the man who wrote the defining

book on the subject, professor and
psychologist, Tamaki Saito.

[Tamaki Saito] This type of condition
is very, very common-- hikikomori.

In Japan, there are less than ten thousand
homeless people. Instead, there are about

one million hikikomori, I think. This is a
Japanese-style of social exclusion.

[Hemphill] Professor Saito thinks the
problem is far more widespread than

government numbers suggest, and it's also
becoming an issue in other countries,

like the US, the UK, Italy, and South
Korea, where young men might feel

an overwhelming pressure
to succeed financially.

[Saito] Many people think about
hikikomori that they are very lazy,

and other people think about hikikomori
as very dangerous, and precondition

of a criminal, but that is not true,
statistically, not true.

[Hemphill] Living independently is seen to
be a key part of the recovery process.

Some hikikomori might feel like they're
ready to leave their bedrooms, but they

aren't quite stable enough to reintegrate
back into society. And that's where the

New Start Dormitory comes in. It's kind of
a halfway house for recovering hikikomori.

They pay rent to live there and must do
some part-time work and charity

volunteering, which is organized by
New Start. They have to give up their

phones and are only allowed to watch
TV in the communal sitting room.

No computer games allowed. Over the
past 18 years, New Start has had about

two thousand people live in the dormitory
for more than a year. Eighty percent of

those have now reestablished
themselves independently.

One of those former residents is Ikuo,
who's now in his mid-thirties. His stint

in the New Start Dormitory completely
turned his life around.

[Ikuo] When I was hikikomori, I was
totally alone in my room and just played

video games and watched TV all the time.
I felt angry at myself, angry at society.

I felt completely hopeless, like there
was nothing I could do. I came to

New Start because I didn't want to
stay at my parents' house. I didn't

think much about it, I just wanted to be
away from my parents.

[Hemphill] While staying in the dormitory,
he had to do some volunteering at the

New Start offices, and it was there that
he met his future wife, Ayako, the

rental sister. They began speaking
everyday, and she convinced him to start

some part-time work as a rental brother.
What made you fall in love with each other?

[laughing]

[Ayako] I had a strong feeling of
camaraderie towards him as a

rental brother. We took a walking trip
together in the mountains near Tokyo,

where we could just
talk and be ourselves.

[Ikuo] After we got married, the staff
and residents from New Start held a

celebration for us. I didn't propose to
her properly until then, so there at the

party, in front of everybody, I proposed
and asked her to please smile forever

next to me.

[Hemphill] Despite the difficulties and
stigma that hikikomori face, Ayako said

that living your life more slowly and
thoughtfully can also have many positives.

[Ayako] I married someone who used to be
withdrawn, so I want to say this out loud.

People who have spent time being withdrawn
also have very good, important qualities.

Okay, so they don't want to work, but they
often see society in a fairer way and have

a very gentle view of women.

[Hemphill] The hikikomori condition is
still not well-documented, and the

Japanese government is trying to get a
clearer picture of the situation. To date,

New Start's rental sisters have helped
about three thousand people get out

of their rooms and back into society,
but many of Japan's hikikomori still

remain isolated.