Julio Torres Stand-Up: My Favorite Shapes

Julio Torres returns to The Tonight Show with some of his favorite shapes from his HBO stand-up special, like the curtain that divides first class from coach.

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Julio Torres Stand-Up: My Favorite Shapes
http://www.youtube.com/fallontonight

#FallonTonight
#JulioTorres
#JimmyFallon

Hello. Hello.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hello.

I have a lot of shapes
and not a lot of time,

so let's just get started.

Okay?

The first shape that I want --
need to show you is a rectangle

having a really bad day.

The, uh, the second shape
that I have to show you...

uh, is a sphere,
who you may recognize

for her current role

as a Ferrero Rocher chocolate.

And, originally, we had casted

a different Ferrero Rocher
for this part.

But then I was backstage, and
I was like, "Places, places."

And I was like, "Hold on.
Where's your little skirt?"

[ Laughter ]

And the Ferrero Rocher was like,
"No, I can do it."
I was like, "Um, honey,
I know you can do it,

but if you're not in costume,
I don't know what to tell you."

And then this one was like,
"I can do it."

This next shape
that I must show you --

This is Jessica.

Jessica works in PR.

Jessica begins and ends every
single e-mail with "A-S-A-P."

This next shape, this is me

coming in late for a meeting

and immediately chiming in.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, this next shape
is actually a --

a garment that
I've been meaning to design.
How about...

a cape for a queen
that is so, so long

that she doesn't know

that there's another queen
at the end of it?

[ Laughter ]

But the cape has to be so long

that both queens
can live their lives,
just every now and then
feeling a gentle tug.

I will now abruptly
do an impression at you.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay, I'm sorry
if you don't like what I do,

and I'm sorry if you don't like
what I stand for you,

but I actually keep
the economy going.

And I'm sorry,
but we live in a nation of laws,

and rules are rules,
and I'm sorry if you can't

handle that, but we live
in a nation of laws.

That is...

that nasty little curtain

that divides first class
from coach.

[ Laughter ]

To be a curtain and pick that
as your curtain job
is like, "Who hurt you?"

I, uh...

I was recently on this --
on this airplane.
It was a very small airplane
that had been remodeled

so as to accommodate
a first class.

And I was sitting
on the first row of coach,

and my seat didn't have
a first-class seat

directly in front of it.

It just looked into the hallway.

So then when
the flight attendant came over

and drew the curtain
dividing the people,

the curtain fell
right in front of my face.

Like, I was a secret
for first class.

Then I crossed my legs,

and my knee
gently caressed the curtain,

causing it to fall.
So then the flight attendant
came over

and just, like,
immediately reattached it.

And I said,
"Can you not do that?

'Cause I'm just
going to move slightly,
and the curtain's gonna fall
all over again."

And she says "No, we have to."

I'm like, "Okay.
But, once again, I'm just gonna
make the slightest movement,

and the curtain's gonna fall
all over again.

Can you just not put it up?"
And she goes, "No, we have to."

And then I asked...

"Why?"

And in her eyes,
I saw meteors falling,

flowers blooming,
and animals decomposing.

And suddenly, she was free.
I had released her.

[ Applause ]

You know, doing what I do,
which is this...

uh, I have often been described
as too niche.

To which I'll say,
I have no idea

what you could possibly
be talking about.

So, I bought little chairs
for all of my crystals.

Little chairs and little desks.

Because I don't know
if crystals work,

but I just need them
to be prepared just in case.

Um, well, unless
there are any questions,

uh, I think we're done here.
Um, thank you so much.

[ Cheers and applause ]