Rowan Atkinson - fatal beating

Rowan Atkinson in this hilarious sketch.

Well now, Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in.

I realise you're a busy man.

But I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

No, no absolutely headmaster.

I mean, if Tommy's in some sort of trouble,

then I'd like to nip it in the bud.

Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble.

Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.

Oh dear.

He seems to take no interested in school life whatsoever.

He refuses to "muck in" on the sports field.

And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

Dear me.

Quite frankly, Mr. Perkins,

if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.

I beg your pardon?!

Yes! Expelled!

If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead,

he'd be out on his ear.

Tommy's dead?!

Yes, he's lying up there in sick bay now,

stiff as a board, and bright green.

And this, I fear, is typical of his current attitude.

You see, the boy has no sense of moderation.

One moment he's flying around like a paper kite,

and the next moment he's completely immovable

... and beginning to smell.

How did he die?!

Well, is that important?

Well, yes I think so!

Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see.

We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards.

Your son was caught.

And I administered a beating during which he died.

You'll be glad to know -

You'll be glad to know that the ring-leader was caught,

so I don't think we'll be having any more trouble with library discipline.

You see the library card system -

Look, I'm sorry, you beat my son to death?!

Yes, yes, so it would seem.

Please, I'm not used to being interrupted.

You see, the library card system -

Well, exactly what happened?!

Well apparently boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!

No, during the beating!

Oh, that!

Well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down.

I mean -

Dead?!

Hm, deadish!

Mr. Perkins, I find this morbid fascination of yours with your son's death quite disturbing.

What I'm talking about is his attitude.

And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from!

I wouldn't mean to beat him to death!

Well that was perfectly obvious to me from the moment he arrived here.

I wondered then, as I wonder now,

if he would have turned out to be a very different boy indeed if you had administered

a few fatal beatings early on.

Are you mad?!

Now I'm furious!

In order to accommodate the funeral, I've had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday.

This is preposterous!

Yes, it is!

Or at least it would be, if it were true!

... what?

I've been joking, Mr. Perkins.

Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour.

I've been pulling your leg.

I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little sh*t!