Love lasts 90 seconds | Marine Duvouldy | TEDxAnnecy

Love at first sight doesn't exist. Neither does eternal love. Love is neither long-lasting nor exclusive, nor unconditional. Besides, you can feel love for everyone around you. Love is a short-lived emotion that lasts a few seconds. There are preconditions for feeling love too. The good news is that you can practice love and get better at it! Find out how...

Marine is an instructor trained in positive psychology. She guides families towards positive parenting and happiness.

This talk was given at a local TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/TEDx

I fell in love at first sight.

It was ten years ago.

I was walking at the university,
my notebooks under my arm,

like a passionate young student.

He bumped into me absentmindedly
which upset me, so I looked back.

I looked at him.

His huge blue eyes watched me back,
and we fell in love at first sight.

Still today, when I wake up
in the morning,

I watch my man lying next to me
and I am still amazed.

My heart rate rises
and I am still head over heals,

almost 24 hours a day.

Nothing has changed.

Nothing has changed:
I love him as much I did the first day.

Well, as you may suspect,
such a story only exists in fairy tales.

Actually, I didn't fall
in love at first sight.

I didn't because neither love
at first sight, nor unhindered love

and head over heals 24/7,
has ever existed,

no more than soulmates
or eternal love -

at least not the way we understand it.

We all have certainties about love.

For example, we believe it is this unique
bond tying us to the other,

it is commitment, desire or trust.

In fact, none of those qualifies as love.

They are rather the cause
and the result of love.

After years of studies and research,

Barbara Fredrickson and her team
have redefined love.

And here is what they concluded:

love is neither long-lasting,
nor exclusive, nor unconditional.

Love is not exclusive.

When I was a child,

I thought my mother loved
me and my brother every other day:

one day him, one day me,
taking turns, no one gets jealous,

as if you could only love
one person at a time.

Obviously, I was wrong.

Love encompasses much more.

It's not devoted to one person
or one soulmate exclusively.

Actually, we can feel positive
emotions and thus feel love

for every one around us,
even strangers.

You can, for example,
experience micro-moments of love

with your butcher
without being unfaithful.

(Laughter)

Now the micro-moments
of love experienced with strangers

and those experienced
with a loved one are almost identical.

Researchers observe
the same biological synchrony.

Yet there are some differences,

especially in the triggering factors
of these micro-moments -

since intimacy, words,
and gestures are not the same -

but also in their frequency
since, logically,

we share more micro-moments
of love with our loved ones.

Love isn't long-lasting.

When I was 15 years old,
my idea of love had evolved a little bit.

Back then, I believed
in eternal and unchanging love.

One evening, as I was experiencing
my first heartbreak,

my father came to
comfort me, and he said,

"Sweety, you know, you're not going
to love this boy your whole life."

Well, just imagine how upset
and misunderstood I felt!

Let's remember that I was only fifteen.

In fact, I must admit many years later
that, yes, my father was right.

Really, love isn't a steady emotion
that we feel for months or years.

In fact, it's a short-lived emotion
that lasts a few seconds.

However, rest assured,
it's renewable infinitely.

In other words, you won't love
your child, your wife,

your partner, your friends
or your parents for your whole life.

You'll love them
one, two, twenty times a day

and sometimes, let's face it, not at all.

(Laughter)

Love isn't unconditional.

At the beginning of our relationship,

my partner once told me
something rather strange

that was going to change
my idea of love.

He said, "Anyway, today,
you don't love me."

So at first, I found that quite strange,

and I answered just as strangely,
"Of course, I love you today."

Then, this idea sinked in.

Are there moments, events,
or conditions that foster love?

Indeed there are, two of them.

First, there must be a feeling of safety

because our brain can't feel love

in the face of danger or threat.

Second, the relationship
must be authentic,

which means that,
from a scientific point of view,

we need to be present
physically and emotionally.

Now if love is neither long-lasting,
nor exclusive nor unconditional,

then, what is it exactly?

Love is the strongest
among the positive emotions.

It's the most important
emotional experience

with regards to our health
and our self-development.

It is a king of fuel that powers
both our body and our mind

that is as important as food or oxygen.

Researchers invite us
to reconsider love as a moment,

since it lasts a few seconds,

and it is the accumulation
of these micro-moments

that strengthen the relationship.

In reality, love is when you give a warm
hug to a child, even if she isn't yours.

It's when you laugh with a friend,
sometimes for no reason.

It's when you walk
hand in hand with your partner.

It's when you have a passionate
conversation with your colleague.

Basically, there is love as soon as
two people connect with each other

and share a positive emotion.

Three phenomenons are prerequisite
to feel those micro-moments of love.

First, we need to share a positive emotion.

Then we need to be in tune,
meaning, in resonance,

you know, when we use
the same words, same gestures,

and feel like we are
on the same wavelength.

Lastly, we need to be well-intentioned
towards each other.

As soon as a positive emotion is shared,

it immediatly transforms
into a micro-moment of love.

So, in a nutshell,
and I might shock you with this,

but right now, as I'm speaking to you,
I don't love my partner

because we're neither in synchrony,

nor sharing any positive emotion,

and we aren't reciprocating
good intention for each other.

In fact, from a scientific point of view,
my body doesn't feel any love for him.

But rest assured, we have
experienced for years,

countless micro-moments of love,

so much that they've
strengthened our relationship

by creating a bond of trust and safety

conducive to more moments
of love in the future.

Now you might be pondering
about the good of those breakthroughs

and what they could change
in our daily live?

In reality, they can change everything

because we all have a nerve
that connects our brain to our heart.

It is called "the vagus nerve".

It has very positive effects
since it enables us to connect to others,

it lowers our heart rate
and regulates our emotions.

But what is its relationship with love?

Well, this nerve mirrors
our responsiveness to sources of love.

The higher our vagal tone,

the more micro-moments of love
we are able to experience.

At first, researchers thought
the characteristics of the vagus nerve

were determined at birth
and didn't evolve with time.

And then researches showed
that we could kind of "muscle it up".

So in short, micro-moments of love
activate and strengthen the vagus nerve

and the more toned our nerve is,

the greater is our capacity to experience
those micro-moments of love.

In fact, it's a virtuous circle
where love begets love.

And it's awesome because not only
it increases our level of happiness,

but researchers have shown
that it increases our life expectancy too.

So the more toned our nerve is,
the longer we live.

Now you probably want to know

how we are supposed
to nurture our vagus nerve.

Well, exercises are plenty.

I'm going to introduce you
to two of them plus a little bonus.

The first one I'd like you to try
is the kindness meditation.

The positive effects
of meditation are numerous.

It increases happiness,
intelligence, and life expectancy.

So to do the kindness meditation,

you need to get yourself
comfortable in a quiet place,

and focus your attention
on a person you feel close to.

The idea is to have for her
kind thoughts and intentions.

You can practice it with your children.

For example, you could ask them daily

to take five minutes
to think about a person they like.

The second exercise I propose you
is about social interactions.

You probably figured out

that love is only felt
in the presence of others.

So I invite you
to think, every evening,

about three meetings
you had during the day,

and ask yourself whether or not
you felt close to these people.

The idea is to become aware

of the quality of the relationships
you build throughout the day.

Again, you can practice this
with your children

by asking them to ponder daily
about three great moments

they may have had with their friends
or with an adult.

Finally, to conclude on a sweet note,

let me mention hugs
because they have magical powers.

When we hug someone,

after 20 seconds, our brain
starts to secret oxytocin,

the hormone of attachment and well-being.

It also secretes dopamine,

the hormone of motivation
and good mood.

As a matter of fact,
hugging makes us more patient,

lowers our stress and anxiety,
increases our self-confidence,

and strenghtens social connections.

And above all, it's free
and within arms' reach.

Children love that.

So no, I didn't fall in love
at first sight with my husband.

I'm not head over heals
for him 24 hours a day.

And he was probably right
when he told me,

"Today, you don't love me."

He was right because, like you,
we love each other a few minutes a day.

We've loved each other
a hundred times before

and hopefully, we'll still love
each other a few thousand times more.

By the way, if we think about it,

this small rounded belly
that is hardly noticeable

is precisely the outcome of these
past micro-moments of love

and, I'm sure, the cause
of future moments of love.

So tone your vagus nerve
and you'll be happier and live longer.

And most importantly, don't forget
to transmit all of this to your children

because they are
the guardians of tomorrow.

Nurturing love is, in my opinion,

the biggest step you could take
with your family on the path to happiness.

And I wish you all a good journey.

(Applause)