Truthful and Loving Speech | Dharma Talk by Sister Lang Nghiem, 2018 11 18

Sister Lang Nghiem teaches on the 8th, 9th and 10th Mindfulness Training, True Community and Communication, Truthful and Loving Speech, Protecting and Nourishing the Sangha respectively.

Transformation of our speech and speech patterns is possible. Communication, kindness and loving speech are all trainable and we can learn to speak from a place of non-fear and help others to speak from a place of non-fear.

These three mindfulness trainings firstly enable one to communicate with oneself and recognize what is happening in our body and the feelings and mental formations that arise in our mind. The mindfulness trainings help us to take care of our feelings and discover what wholesome or unwholesome seeds our mental formations are nourishing. Sometimes we tell half-truths when fear motivates us to protect ourselves or self image. Communicating with ourselves leads us to discover what being true to an authentic self really means.

Deep communication with others is only possible with maturity of mind, and in practicing the trainings, we learn ways to ask our loved ones how they are really feeling, to find out what is important to them at a given moment and to ask questions such as “What is your biggest dream?” Do we have the maturity of mind to truly learn about our loved ones and their deepest aspirations?

Sr Lang Nghiem shares stories from her life about how she learns to communicate with herself, experiences with Dharma sharing, establishing true and deep communication with her family and reflections on questions left unasked of loved-ones passed away.

Further reading:
- Sister Lang Nghiem: https://plumvillage.org/about/dharma-teachers/sr-lang-nghiem
- The Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings: https://plumvillage.org/mindfulness-practice/the-14-mindfulness-trainings/

You can support us by:
- donating: https://plumvillage.org/support
- helping to caption & translate: http://www.youtube.com/timedtext_video?ref=share&v=q1o_BWojUy0

(Bell)

(Bell)

(Bell)

Good morning, dear sangha,

can everyone here
hear me well?

Okay.

Translations okay?

Okay.

It's been a beautiful three days
that we've had.

The sun was full

and I had a chance to really
enjoy the fall without being too cold.

And the sisters kept telling me,
'Oh! The rain is coming'.

So I'm really, really enjoying the sun,
and bracing myself for the rain.

Anyhow, I hope you had a wonderful morning

and had an opportunity to
enjoy a bit of the sun,

walking back and forth in our hamlets,

whether it is Upper Hamlet,
Lower Hamlet or in New Hamlet,

taking some time to
just come to yourselves

and enjoy your steps and your breathing.

Today I am wearing my OI jacket.

Because this winter we are sharing,
we have a series of Dharma talks

and we are sharing about
the 14 mindfulness trainings

of the Order of Interbeing.

The Order of Interbeing or OI members,

they wear this jacket
as part of their uniform.

So the first time I saw this jacket,

I was - My eyes got caught right away.

I really like the cut and the simplicity
of the jacket.

It is quite simple,
clean lines, no frills.

So I really liked it.

And I asked a sister,
'Where can I get one of those?'

I didn't know you had to -

I didn't know there was a journey
you had to take

before you could wear one of this.

I didn't know you had to be an OI member
to wear one.

So you can say maybe I took
the 14 mindfulness trainings

in order to wear the jacket.

(Laughter)

So when I was younger
you saw the cheerleaders, you know.

Basketball players and, oh!

Not that you want to be a cheerleader
or whatever sport's team that you like,

but just for the uniform.

(Laughter)

Some of you may feel the same
about the monastic's robe, I don't know.

(Laughter)

But you know, when I finally took
the 14 mindfulness trainings,

it was when I was already a monastic.

Two years into your monastic life,
it used to be like that then.

We start taking the 14 mindfulness
trainings as well,

because the 14 mindfulness trainings
they are both for lay members

and monastics. So they are
a fourfold order.

Meaning lay men, lay women,
monastics, monks and nuns.

So when I first took
the 14 mindfulness trainings

as a monastic,

and I finally earned the right
to wear the jacket,

I couldn't.

Because there was a sort of stigma

for monastics wearing the OI jacket.

Like if you wore the OI jacket
it meant that you were acting a bit more

too mature for your monastic age.

Something like that.

It was mostly the elder brothers
and sisters who wore the OI jacket.

And today I did hesitate to put this on,

because I didn't want to make the
statement that I'm older in the community.

(Laughter)

But I just wanted to put it on
to show you what an OI jacket looks like,

since we are talking about
the Order of Interbeing,

the 14 mindfulness trainings
of the Order of Interbeing.

Anyhow, it's kind of like a show and tell.

A few weeks ago, one of my eldest sisters,
she was up to give a Dharma talk

and she also hesitated
to put on this jacket.

Everybody said, 'Oh! You look too mature
wearing that jacket'.

But I didn't know if mature meant
you look old, a physical age

or too mature meant

that you are showing off
that you have wisdom,

or too mature meant that you are

being more than you are.

So I have no idea what too mature means
when we wear this jacket.

But today I'm very comfortable wearing it.

I kind of like it.

I admit it.

So, if you are new here today and
you are curious about

the history of the 14 mindfulness
trainings or the Order of Interbeing,

and how it came about,

or all of the other previous
mindfulness trainings

that we've been talking about this winter,

you can check out our YouTube channel,

Plum Village online Monastery,

to get those explanations.

Today, I will,

I've been asked to share about the 8th,
9th and 10th mindfulness trainings.

And at the end of each row there is
some mindfulness trainings.

If we can pass them,
then we can read them together.

So I read the 8th mindfulness
training first.

"True Community and Communication.

Aware that lack of communication
always brings separation and suffering,

we are committed to training ourselves

in the practice of compassionate listening
and loving speech.

Knowing that true community
is rooted in inclusiveness

and in the concrete practice of
the harmony of views, thinking and speech,

we will practice to share
our understanding and experiences

with members in our community
in order to arrive at collective insight.

We are determined to learn to listen
deeply without judging or reacting,

and refrain from uttering words
that can create discord

or cause the community to break.

Whenever difficulties arise,

we will remain in our Sangha and practice
looking deeply into ourselves and others

to recognize all the causes and conditions,
including our own habit energies,

that have brought about the difficulties.
We will take responsibility

for all the ways we may have contributed
to the conflict

and keep communication open.

We will not behave as a victim

but be active in finding ways to reconcile
and resolve all conflicts however small.

The Ninth Mindfulness Training:
Truthful and Loving Speech.

Aware that words can create
happiness or suffering,

we are committed to learning to speak
truthfully, lovingly, and constructively.

We will use only words that inspire
joy, confidence, and hope

as well as promote reconciliation and
peace in ourselves and among people.

We will speak and listen in a way

that can help ourselves and others
to transform suffering

and see the way out
of difficult situations.

We are determined not to say untruthful
things for the sake of personal interest

or to impress people, nor to utter words
that might cause division or hatred.

We will protect the joy
and harmony of our Sangha

by refraining from speaking about the
faults of another persons in their absence

and always ask ourselves whether
our perceptions are correct.

We will speak only
with the intention to understand

and help transform the situation.

We will not spread rumors

nor criticize or condemn things
of which we are not sure.

We will do our best to speak out
about situations of injustice,

even when doing so may make difficulties
for us or threaten our safety.

The Tenth Mindfulness Training:
Protecting and Nourishing the Sangha.

Aware that the essence
and aim of the Sangha

is the practice of
understanding and compassion,

we are determined not to use the Buddhist
community for personal power or profit,

or transform our community
into a political instrument.

However, as members
of a spiritual community,

we should take a clear stand
against oppression and injustice.

We should strive to change the situation,
without taking sides in a conflict.

We are committed to looking
with the eyes of interbeing

and learning to see ourselves and others
as cells in one Sangha body.

As a true cell in the Sangha body,

generating mindfulness,
concentration, and insight

to nourish ourselves
and the whole community,

each of us is at the same time
a cell in the Buddha body.

We will actively build brotherhood
and sisterhood, flow as a river,

and practice to develop
the three real powers,

love, understanding, and
cutting through afflictions,

to realize collective awakening."

Maybe we will listen
to one sound of the bell.

You can just breathe with these trainings.

You know, how to understand them,

or agree or disagree,

but we just take a few moments
to come back to our body,

come back to our breathing,

and enjoy the present moment.

(Bell)

(Bell)

I thought these three trainings were
quite a lot to cover in one Dharma talk.

Since we've just read them
you can see why.

So I thought I would start with the 9th
mindfulness training.

Truthful and Loving Speech.

I quite like - In the introduction of
the 14 mindfulness trainings,

there is the last line, it says,

"The Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings help
us to cultivate concentration and insight,

which free us from fear and
the illusion of a separate self."

The idea of being free from fear and
the illusion of a separate self

has always spoken to me.

In practicing these mindfulness trainings,

the more I put them into practice or
reflect upon them in my daily life,

the more I can recognize
the different kinds of fears,

or the kinds of wrong perceptions
that lie at the base,

that are the foundation of my actions
in body, speech or mind.

So it's like an endless practice.

Because there is so many fears.

And recently I got in touch with
actually one fear.

One kind of fear. I'll tell you about it.

One day I had this dream.

And in the dream, I was

I was sleeping, and a sister came in
to the room, so I was waking up,

and she said, 'Last night I heard you
listen to really loud music.'

And I said, 'What?'

I said, 'Oh, it must have been -'
Because I sleep with

my device next to look at the clock.

And I said, 'It must have - My device
must have turned on by accident.'

So the music was playing.

And - So I woke up from this dream.

And it was a very simple dream.

But I was really disturbed by it.

Because I realized,

that in the dream
I wasn't being very truthful.

And I was a bit disturbed that
in my dream I could be untruthful.

So, in the dream,

I realized I was telling a half lie.

Because at one point
I realized the device did -

This was in the dream.
It did turn on by accident,

but I chose to listen to the music.

Anyway, this has a long history,

because before I became a nun,
I used to listen to a lot of music.

All kinds of music.
Soft music, loud music.

Slow music, fast music.

But since ordaining,
it's been a very long time

since I listened to music again,

or had even the desire to listen to music.

I realized,

in listening to music, it touched off
many different scenes in me,

like sadness, or despair, or anger.

Many different elements.
Not all music would do that,

a lot of music also touches off

quite wonderful elements in me,
like joy, or connection, or understanding

of myself and others.

But since becoming a nun,
I have less of a need

to listen to music. Because I realize that
listening to the music, it was -

The music that was constantly
playing in my head then,

it was painting a picture.

And also adding a different element
to my experience,

to my present moment experience
that I felt maybe was not so true to it.

So I stopped listening to
music for a long time,

and for many years I had all of the Plum
Village songs just circulate in my head.

"Happiness is here and now",

"Breathing in, breathing out".

Maybe we take a moment to sing one,
so you can have a taste.

(Laughter)

Actually, there is a song I like recently.

"Cultivate peace hour by hour".

Brother, do you know that song?
Flower by flower?

Can you start the song for us?

We can sing this together.

(Singing)

# Cultivate joy
hour by hour

# smile by smile,
flower by flower.

# Sow seeds of joy
among gloom and despair,

# cultivate joy
and joy will be there.

# Cultivate joy
and joy will be there.

# Cultivate peace,
hour by hour,

# smile by smile,
flower by flower.

# Sow seeds of peace,
among hate and fear,

# cultivate peace
and peace will appear.

# Cultivate peace
and peace will appear.

# Cultivate love,
hour by hour,

# smile by smile,
flower by flower.

# Sow seeds of love
among hard and cold,

# cultivate love
and love will take hold.

# Cultivate love
and love will take hold. #

Anyhow, that was the kind of music
that has been playing in my head

for a very long time.

And so, recently when I had this dream
and I was just listening to a loud music,

with a lot of base,

(Laughter)

I said, 'Wow! I was sleeping,
and I'm already a nun'.

This is in the dream.

So when I woke up from it,

well, in the dream I woke up, right?
And the sister asked me,

'Oh! I heard you listening
to a loud music last night.'

I thought, it must have been an accident.

But it wasn't an accident. I mean,
I did choose to listen after it -

I my dream, I chose to listen after
it got turned on by accident.

And the funny thing is, I realized,

even in my dream I remembered that
telling a half-truth

was more believable than telling a,

I don't know, that
not telling a half truth.

When I woke up, I was quite disturbed
about this kind of behaviour

and this kind of thinking
that was happening in my dream.

And I realized why.

Because I thought, in my dream,

maybe the safest place
where I can be anything, anything.

I can think anything, do anything,
feel anything.

And who would know?

Who would know what happens in my dream?

Nobody would know, but me.

And yet, in my dream, I still had
this need to protect an image of myself.

In this dream, that need to

to say, to tell this half true,

and I realized it was
in order to protect myself,

it was still happening.

So when I woke up, I thought,
'Wow! If this is happening in my dream,

what am I doing in my waking hours?'

So this has been on my mind

quite a lot these past few months.

Just looking into my daily life,
in my thinking, in my speech.

And how, if I am motivated by -

If my speech or my actions
are motivated by this

fear.

And it has been quite fun
to observe my mind,

and all of the fears that still

that still hamper me.

I don't know if I want to say that word,
hamper. That still affects me.

So I've recognized quite a lot,

in my speech, specially in my speech,
in my waking hours this last few months.

So I found myself, whenever this need
to say something, to explain myself,

or to,

yes, to explain myself,
or to look in certain way,

or to sound like I am in a certain way.

I have to take a moment
and I breathe with it.

And very often, I cannot stop it in time,
so then I end up, in the last few months,

saying things like,
'Sorry, that wasn't what I meant'.

I didn't mean to say that.
What I meant was -

And then I would talk about the feelings

that I was afraid that
the other person may not

understand or receive.

And that has been my practice
for the last couple of months,

and it has to do with
this mindfulness training,

Truthful and Loving Speech.

When I reflected on these trainings,

I thought, 'Where do I begin
to share about the -'

Right away, I had that dream come up.

I guess what is important for me

is maybe how to share this process
that I've got through,

learning to recognize myself,

learning to be more truthful to myself,

and learning to be more loving to myself.

So, how? How can we begin to be
more truthful and loving to ourselves?

It's not just about talking,
talking to yourself,

after communicate with myself
and to listen to what I'm saying.

I need to be able to talk to myself.

I realize that

soft communicating with myself

it wasn't just about talking,

but it was about recognizing
what was going on in myself.

Like recognizing
what is going on in my body,

in my feelings, in my perceptions,

in my mental formations,
in my consciousness.

So, what is happening in my body?

Do I know what is happening in my body?

Am I listening to
what is happening in my body?

Am I aware of
what is happening in my body?

There is pain maybe somewhere.
There is tension maybe somewhere.

Do I know how to remove
the pain in my body?

Do I know how to

take care of the tension in my body?

And what is happening in my feelings?

What am I feeling right now?

Do I know how to take care
of the feeling that is coming up?

If it is a pleasant feeling,
do I know how to enjoy it?

Do I know how to prolong it?

If I'm angry, do I know how to

recognize my anger?
Breathe with my anger?

Take my anger for a walk?

Mental formations, perceptions.

What kind of perceptions
are happening in my mind?

What kind of perceptions
do I have right now?

Are these perceptions nourishing me?

Are these perceptions
adding joy to my life?

Are these perceptions helping me
to be more connected with myself

or with my brothers and sisters?

With my family?

Or do my perceptions add more separation.

Isolation.

Do my perceptions feed my loneliness,
feed my suffering.

So these are the questions that come up
for me when I communicate with myself.

And communicating with yourself,
you can do this at any hour

throughout the day. I'm sure,
coming to Plum Village you have learned

many different practices so far
to help you to come back to your body,

come back to your mind.

And just to listen to what is going on.

When we go walking meditation,

it's an opportunity for us
to communicate with ourselves.

Because at any moment,
there is so much going on

in your body, in your feelings,
in your perceptions.

And then also at any moment
there is always something you can do

to take care of what is going on
in your body, or in your feelings,

or in your perceptions.

You can always ask yourself
questions like,

what can I do to release
the tension in my body?

What can I do to calm my feelings?

What can I do to quiet my thinking?

What can I do to gladden my mind?

We can always

ask one of the brothers and sisters
about how to do this

if you want to learn more
how to do this.

So, I find

communicating, speech.

If I want to speak well, I also have
to learn how to listen well.

And first of all, to listen to myself,
to listen to what is going on,

like I said, in the body, in the feelings,
in the perceptions,

mental formations, consciousness.

What is going on?

And when we can listen to
what is really going on in ourselves,

and also when we know
how to take care

of all of those areas, the things
that are coming up in ourselves,

it becomes much easier for us
to listen to others.

Otherwise, sometimes it's like

you are a crying baby, and
the other person is a crying baby,

and it's a competition,
which baby can cry louder

so that it could be heard.

So it is quite important that we learn
how to come back to ourselves,

learn the different ways
to take care of ourselves,

come back to ourselves
and slow down enough,

so that we can recognize ourselves.

So in our daily life, we have to create
opportunities for us to slow down,

and to, what we say, generate stillness.

It's quite important
for our society nowadays

for a person to know how to just come
back to him or herself, to themselves,

and to generate stillness.

Everywhere you look,
people are busy.

Everywhere you look,

there is a lot of business,
there is a lot of outgoing,

going out of ourselves.

And very few people know
how to go in,

how to come back
and to recognize themselves

to know who they are.

To know what they are
at that moment.

In our society, I find we have -

There is a word that keeps floating
around recently, that I keep hearing

in recent years. The word 'authentic'.

We want to be authentic.

We want to be true to ourselves.

We want to be -
I want to be true to myself.

But what does that mean?

Because very often, I find

when people are speaking
about being authentic to oneself,

there is an idea of a kind of
a permanent self.

The thinking behind it,
it seems to me

that there is a kind of self
that you have to

to know, to get to.

Sometimes I hear things like,

'Oh! When I do that,
I'm not true to myself'.

'If I do that, I'm not true to myself'.

'When I say that, I'm not true to myself'.

'When I think like that
I'm not true to myself'.

But it makes me wonder,
what is your true self?

In the Buddhist teachings,

every moment we are already
our true self.

So even if in that moment you are
expressing a lot of anger,

actually you are being your true self
in that moment.

Or you are tired, or you are -

Whatever. However we manifest.

At each moment,
we are already our true self.

And this is the teaching on aimlessness.

Because in every moment

we are manifesting everything that we are.

Everything that we've ever accumulated,
everything that we've ever -

Everything. The good, the bad.

The wholesome, the unwholesome.
The beneficial, the not so beneficial.

Every moment we are actually manifesting
the totality of ourselves.

The totality of our seeds,
of our potentials.

The sum of our habit energies.

Every moment we are manifesting
the sum of our habit energies.

The sum of ourselves.
So there is no

authentic self you need to be true to.

Every moment you are already
your true self.

This is a very important teaching
to understand.

Thay often quotes,
'L'homme est la somme de ses actes'.

I don't know who said that. Pause.

Can you say it louder? Because
I don't know how to pronounce his name.

Jean Paul Sartre. Thay often quotes him.

'L'homme est la somme de ses actes'.

So, man is the sum of his actions.

And I find this is quite good news.

Because

in every moment we are

exposed to new and beautiful things.

Or we may be exposed to
not so new and not so beautiful things.

But in every moment we are the sum total
of everything that we are.

So the sum total of who we are changes
at every moment.

And I find that extremely good news.

Because what it means is if I take in
more elements that I aspire to be,

then, eventually,

or at that moment
the sum total of me already changes

to whatever I want to be.

If I want to be more beautiful,

if I want to be more loving,
if I want to be more kind,

I just expose myself to it.

I expose my speech to it,

I expose my thinking to it,
I expose my actions to it.

I also expose myself to other people's
speech, thinking and actions.

So I am not a mathematician.

And I think, when I say we are the sum,
you know, every moment we change and

the sum total of ourselves changes.

I was a bit nervous that
the mathematicians may laugh at me.

And at my simple math.

But I find that

this has actually been my experience

in my practice.

What I am trying to say is that
transformation is possible.

Specially, when we are looking at speech
and at our speech patterns and behaviour,

behaviours.

When I first came to Plum Village,

I remember I attended
my first Dharma sharing.

We have sharing in groups
where everybody speaks from the heart,

I was actually very uncomfortable.

And listening to everyone share about
how they felt about this,

it was actually very scary for me.

I didn't know how to handle it.
I was like almost frozen.

'How could she share about
her sadness like that?

How could he share about
his anger like that?'

I was very - Yes, I was, you can say
a bit paralyzed in that moment,

in my first Dharma sharing,
just listening to everyone share.

Because at that time,

I didn't know how to,
I didn't know how to share my feelings.

I remember, before I came to Plum Village,

every time a strong emotion would come up,

or I felt anger at my parents
or at my siblings,

it was very difficult for me
to express it.

I was like, 'It is this lump in my throat'
when I thought about this anger,

or this frustration. And
I couldn't really see it.

Because the dialog that
was happening in my mind

was one of punishment.

I really wanted to address my anger,

but actually the way I was wanting
to address it

was to get the other person
to know that I'm angry,

and, 'You've done this, this, this,
and that is why I am angry'.

This dialog. And I wanted to say
in the most punishing way.

So it wasn't very helpful.
And what ended up happening was

I couldn't say it, because,
at the same time,

there was a part of me that didn't want to

didn't want to hurt the other person.

In return, I knew that saying it
would be very helpful.

So there is a part of me
that didn't want to hurt

my loved ones in return.

And so very often I would remain silent.

You kind of cancel yourself out,
or you want to punish,

at the same time,
you don't want to punish.

And then I didn't know
how to speak about this feeling

in a way that was constructive.

So I found in many years
in not speaking about it,

I ended up silencing myself.

And therefore this kind of lump
developed in my throat.

Sometimes, your emotions, they will
manifest in your body, somewhere.

You can, if you come back to your body,

listen to your body, you can feel
where you've stored a lot of tension.

Or you can feel where
you have stored some pain.

Anxiety. Anxiety I find
sometimes right here.

The strong emotions
I find I accumulate them here.

Stress, about not being able to do things,
on my shoulders.

So you can have fun with coming back
to your body, identifying where,

where you store things. Your body is
a store house of all kind of things.

So I found I couldn't speak
about my feelings,

and coming to Plum Village
and being in Dharma sharings was -

It was a new form of torture.

But slowly, you know, I found all that,
just being in the circle

and hearing other people
share about their feelings,

and realizing that nobody in the circle

reacted in any kind of negative way,

in any condemning way.

Or that the circle was big enough,

or it was enough to absorb
what was being shared.

So I found, 'Oh! You can actually
share about your feelings,

and nothing happens'.

No one would say anything to you in return
about how they want to punish you

with their words.

Yes, nothing happens.

And so, I found that slowly, slowly,
I was able to share

a tiny bit more about how I was feeling.

And I remember it took so long.

Each Dharma sharing that I went to,
it was like another part of myself.

And even though I thought it was so big,

now that I think about it,
it wasn't much at all.

It was how I felt about the weather,
you know?

But I was like how hard it was for me
to speak about feelings, for instance.

Or, I mean, let alone sharing about
how I was sad over something.

It was not easy.

But with the years I kind of learnt,
slowly, I learnt a bit more

how to express my feelings
in this safe setting.

And also the more I came back to myself,
the more I learned how to speak to myself.

Just recognizing the kind of thinking
that goes on in my mind,

and saying, oh,

maybe we can

we can do better.

Or, is this thinking helping me right now?

I can think differently,

recognizing that I could have a choice
in how I felt or how I thought,

or how I perceived things, and that
I wasn't a victim

of these thoughts, or perceptions,
or feelings.

So, as I learned how to do that,
I also learned

how to slowly open up
to my family, my blood family.

It was much easier for them,
I mean, for me than for them.

Because, of course,
I was exposed to the practice,

I was in Plum Village, and they never

went to Plum Village,
or exposed to the practice,

or, I could just imagine that first time,

I said, 'I love you' to my parents,
how shocking it was for them.

I can still remember
the shock on their face.

Because we don't say it.
We are Asian, we are -

I don't mean the stereotype,

but I come from a village where
it is not so traditional to say it,

'I love you' to each other,
or to your parents, or to anyone.

So it took a while for me
to learn how to say it, you know?

Yes. I was on the phone,
so it is easier.

I said it and hung right away.

(Laughter)

It took me a while longer
to say it in person.

But eventually I did.

I learned how to say 'I love you'
to my mum and dad without anyone teary

and emotional.

I remember when I was younger,

every time someone in my village -

you know, parents, child. relationships,

someone, a parent, whether that parents
say 'I love you' to their child,

or the child learns to say 'I love you'
to the parents,

it became this huge ordeal.

Everybody got emotional,
and it was like, you know,

it is quite shocking.

Maybe our society is a bit immune
to the words 'I love you' now,

but for - I remember
my first experience of it, it was -

And it wasn't that long ago.

Just about 17 years ago.

It was quite challenging.

But eventually,

me and my family,
my parents got used to it,

got used to hearing these things
and got used to saying,

'I love you', or

'How are you today?'.
No, we say, 'How are you?' but,

rarely did we respond to say exactly
how we were feeling.

But it took a while to train,
to get used to.

And,

I didn't speak much to my father
when I was younger.

Because it was like how most fathers
were to their children.

For the village where I came from,
it wasn't like this relationship

where you speak to each other much,
or, you know, you would ask,

'Did you eat today?',
'Did you go to school?'

Things like that,
questions like that you ask,

and exchanges like that happen,
but rarely did we speak about feelings,

or our thoughts on things.

Or what we aspire in our life,
the dreams that we have.

So I'm very grateful that I became a nun
and learnt all these things.

All the different ways that I could
communicate with my father, and ask him

about just how he was feeling,
for starters.

Or ask my father

yes, what is the most important thing
for him to do at that moment.

Questions like that I didn't know
how to ask before.

And I didn't know where to begin.

But I think being in Plum Village, slowly,

I trained myself, I guess.

Because you hear it all the time here.

What is your greatest joy?
What is your greatest happiness?

I didn't learn how to ask those questions
before I was a nun.

So I'm just very happy that
I was able to learn

and to communicate with my father
in that way before he passed.

However, there is one regret that I have.

This summer, I had a memory

come up,

between me and my father.

I think it happened when
I was 10 years old.

And I remember visiting him in prison.

I don't know if any of you
ever visited anyone in prison.

So there is this partition,
this glass, I guess, plexiglas.

And you go, the prisoner is
on the other side and you are on -

The visitor is on one side, and
the prisoner on the other side.

And there is a telephone.

And you have to pick it up, and
you talk to each other through this phone.

So I, my brothers and sisters
we got to go and visit our dad in prison.

So everyone took turns.

And I was quite reluctant to do so.

Because I was very emotional.
There was this lump in my throat.

So when it was my turn,
I came up.

My dad is still on the phone, he is
waiting for me to pick up the receiver.

And I pick up the receiver,
and we just look at each other.

And I just remember
this lump in my throat.

I couldn't say anything.

After about ten minutes or so,

nothing came out.
I was -

Not even air.

I think if I tried to speak up,
then it would be just like

a wheezing sound or something.

So I was just kind of frozen
and the receiver is on my ear.

And I just look at my father.

So ten minutes pass and then,
I put the receiver down.

And the visit is over,
and he goes back

to his cell, or wherever.

So, this summer this memory came up.

And I thought, 'Wow! It was
such a big deal in my life,

and in my father's life.

But how come I never asked him about it?'

It never occurred to me to ask him.
So what happened after we left that day?

What happened when you came back
to your cell?

(Bell)

(Bell)

What happened when
you came back to your cell?

Did you find it more difficult
to stay in prison?

Or questions like,

did you have any friends
when you were there?

Did anyone support you?

What kind of difficulties did you have?

So when this memory came up
I was just flooded with questions.

But I couldn't ask him anymore,

because he passed away.

Three years ago.

So the regret that I had was,

I saw I didn't have the maturity of mind
to ask all these questions.

It was really, somehow -

So that word has been coming up
for me a lot, 'maturity'.

Maturity of mind, or how can we have
mature relationships.

What does it mean
to have a mature relationship

with our sisters, our brothers,
our parents.

What does that look like?

Since that memory came up and
this topic has been coming up for me,

this idea of maturity,

because I find these trainings are
quite helpful to develop a more

mature, I guess,
the kind of maturity of mind

that will allow you to communicate
with others on a deeper level,

a more meaningful level.

So I,

I've shared this story once

in a Dharma sharing.

And I found that -

I was surprised, actually, that I was not
the only one who lacked the maturity

to speak to my parents, or to, you know,

to have the kind of communication
that would allow me to understand

my parents on a deeper level.

I thought I was the only one,
but I was so surprised when I shared it.

There were people in their 50s, 60s, 70s,

who had also never asked their parents

about the more significant things
that happened in their lives.

Or, yes.

Or even the simple question, what is
your dream? What is your biggest dream?

To be able to ask your parents,
or your child this question

is an expression of that maturity of mind.

So, do we have the maturity of mind

to learn more about our loved ones?

I was quite happy that
I was able to recognize this,

because I still have my mother.

And now she is just
bombarded with questions.

I feel sorry for her sometimes.

Because all of the probing questions
that I ask. It is not so easy to answer.

Questions about jealousy.

You know, I don't know.

I guess what I -

I know I have no much time left.

What I'm trying to share,

since I felt I couldn't cover all three
trainings in one,

is that these trainings are trainable.

Loving speech is trainable.

Kindness is trainable.
Compassion is trainable.

Maturity of mind is trainable.

And I'm very happy that wherever I look,

I see in almost all sectors of our society
there is huge interest in communications.

Or, how to have better communication.

But very often it is for diplomacy,
or job performance.

But I think here we are
more interested in connection.

So for those of you who are interested
in speech and science of speech,

I hope that

we can come up with a science of speech
that can help us to heal.

Because I know there is a way of speaking
that can help us heal.

That can help us

mature and be more connected.

Become more whole.

And maybe these 14 mindfulness trainings
can be a starting point

for this science of speech. I know
there are many organizations,

many groups out there, who are interested

in researching about speech,

or sharing about the kind of speech
that is more

healing for us, help us
to connect more easily with others,

like Non Violent Communication.

I think the other week I saw

on the UN website,
the United Nations' website,

it's quite interesting. There was

a section about gender inclusive language.

So the UN is training their employees

to speak in such a way
that is more gender inclusive.

I said, Wow! That's part of our training,
loving speech, deep listening,

how to share so that
others feel more included.

A part of our training here.

Because we also want
to develop inclusiveness.

So that's the UN.
But I'm also very -

I had a class, an English class,
with our sisters, a few weeks ago,

and we spoke a little bit
about the language of millennials.

I'm a bit impressed
by the millennials as well

in coming up with so many different words

that kind of express
the suffering of our time,

or just do shed light
to try to change the situation

just by words that they come up with.

One of the words that
our sisters learned is mansplain.

Mansplain means when a man
is explaining something to a woman

but like in a very not so kind way.

In a way that shows that
she is quite inferior to him.

This is just one word.

I'm sorry if I offend anyone
by speaking about this word.

So, when I shared it
to the sisters, this word,

right away they got very creative.

'Can we say monksplain?'

(Laughter)

'Or how that nunsplain?'

Many other words.

And quickly I realized that
this wasn't about gender.

This issue about speaking down to another
kind of spans gender, or

species.

But what I wanted to say was

that there is more awareness
of speech in our society.

And I think there is a -

I'm grateful for
so many grassroots movements

that introduce more ways of speaking to,

new forms of speaking,
new ways of speaking,

that help people to connect
with one another more,

and also to help people to understand
themselves and others more,

speaking in such a way that

love and understanding are possible.

I think my time is up.

Yes, my message today is,
every speech is trainable.

(Laughter)

Truth is also trainable.

When we can recognize the fears,
we can learn how to speak

with non-fear.

And I don't mean speaking in
such a way that we have, you know,

we can say anything and we're not afraid
of what other people may think.

That is not what I mean
when I say non-fear.

We can learn how to speak with non-fear

by recognizing the fears that
motivate our speech and our actions.

And how to help others to speak

their truths with non-fear.

Thank you very much for listening today.

Enjoy your day.

I wanted to say, after this
we have walking meditation.

Please, take this opportunity to also

communicate with yourself.

Every step that we make
is a form of communication with ourselves.

Just to recognize
how we are making the step,

what is going on in our body,
our feelings, our thinking, etc.

And when we know how to come back
to our steps, our walking,

connecting with ourselves with
the community around us, with nature,

we are also learning how to communicate,
be in communion

with everything.

Thank you.

Enjoy your day.

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