Ted Bear - Cyanide & Happiness Shorts

[ tribal music ]

Hi! You didn't see me there.

You know why?

Because I'm Ted Bear.

If you want to survive like me,
you've gotta have a sharp wit,

endurance, good looks and a
backpack full of ingenuity.

I've got mine on, both straps.

Try to keep up!

Here's the scenario.

You're on
an international flight

and the bastard's gone dodgy.

Perhaps an albatross
with poor eyesight

has confused your plane
engine for a mate

and smacks right into it.

Making your once snug
commute into a spiraling

disaster-tastrophe.

Luckily you've left
your tray table up

and now you're
the only survivor

stuck in some
godforsaken jungle.

It's cold, it's muddy, it's wet,

it's hot, it's inconvenient
and it's a bugger

out of the way.

Now the first thing you got to
do is get a sense of direction.

A good strategy is to find the
nearest river and follow it.

[ tribal music ]

After a while, all the
walking will leave you

bleeding knackered.

You need to find
a source of food.

Because food means
carbohydrates,

carbohydrates mean energy,

energy means movement,

movement means survival.

Luckily there are bounties
of food in the wilderness.

You just got to know
where to look.

Bacon!

We must be
underneath a bacon tree!

Now some of these aren't
quite ready.

You need to climb higher
to find the crispy ones.

Ahh, now there's
a nice ripe strip.

You've got yourself a quarter
of a complete breakfast

right there.

Time to keep moving.
Try and keep up!

Now, we need to find some
refreshments to wash it down.

Ahh. What do we have here?

Now, it's very crucial

to reach all the
way in the back

to get the freshest milk.

Always, always, always check
the expiration date on the back.

It's imperative
to your survival.

Ahh, just my luck,
chocolate chip muffins.

[ coughs ]

Raisins.

[ tribal music ]

Here we are on some desert
island conceivably

in the middle of the ocean.

Without a map we can't be sure.

What we do know
is that our body needs water.

Not so fast, mate,
this is saltwater.

We need to filter it
into something more drinkable.

Now the fruit fish turns
saltwater into delicious

drinkable punch.

First we need to find
the fruit appendage.

Ahh.

Now, you're probably thinking,
"there's no such thing

as a fruit fish!"

Well, you're right.

It's actually a crustacean.

[ tribal music ]

[ muffled speech]
...try and keep up.

[ tribal music ]

[ tribal music ]

Well.

The trick to, uh, survival on...

on a mountain...

[ exhales ]

It's uh...it's hard
to catch your breath...

at this elevation.

I'm gonna...

I'm just gonna...

[ snoring ]

[ snap ]

[ sad music ]

[ music ]