Short Introduction to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), by Yoram Mosenzon

Short animated introduction to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with Oriane Boyer & Yoram Mosenzon (Connecting2life)

The art of dialogue with Oriane & Yoram

So Oriane,

Yes?

I was thinking, shall we spend the evening
together, tonight? And cook together?

Hum, I can't tonight, I'm meeting with
Clara and we'll go for a drink.

Oh come on!

Yesterday you went to play ping pong
and the other day with your parent

and then you go to the cinema

Well, it's a bit exagerated!
It's not exagerated!

Just I find it really selfish of you that
you just don't care about the relationship

Selfish? What do you want? What is your problem?
I care a lot about the relationship!

Yeah, the only thing we are doing together
Oriane, is sleeping in the same bed,

Great! What great relationship!

I told you that this week will be busy for me,
what do you want?

But there is always something
Why are you talking like this to me?

Okay, you don't want me to speak like this.
I will not speak

Well, what do you want Yoram? Can I have
something else than my boyfriend in my life?

You want me like you want me to be like my
grandma all the time in the kitchen?

I'm saying just that you're never available

Yeah you see, you put pressure on me!
You don't listen!

I'm not putting pressure, I'm just...

I don't like it when you talk like this to me!

Oh, for God sake
Yeah...

So what is going on between people?

Even people who love each other,

They sometime hurt each other so much.
What is going on?

You know when I was in school, I was taught
mathematics and geography and history

And many other things that I never used in my life.

And nobody was teaching me

What I would clearly consider as the most
important life skill

which is communication.

That will serve you in whatever you do in your life.

Do you know this phenomena,
for example that people fall in love

Then they get married

And then they need a lawyer in order to divorce

What's going on between people?

Or I read an article that says that the number one reason for people to quit their job

Is human relationship

Is conflict, with the boss or with
their colleagues

What is going on between people?

And I'm not even yet speaking about War
and Politics and stuff like that.

What the f... is going on between people?

So if communication and connection between people is so important

What is the source of conflict?

I work as a mediator and, in 99% of the cases

when I go down the layers of conflict to see what is the cause

I see one pattern
which is judgments.

When I was introduced to
'Nonviolent Communication'

I was curious how many of my thoughts are
coming in a judgmental language

So I put myself a little booklet and I put it in
my pocket and I went into the world

And each time I had a judgmental thought, you know:

You're arrogant. She is selfish. I'm stupid.

I was just writing it down

After three days, my book was full.
But full, I mean in both sides of the paper.

So learning nonviolent communication

It became very clear to me that judgments
is a tragic description of reality

Or in other words, it's a lie.
It's a human invention.

It's a way to be honest that is not really describing what is really happening in reality?

So what do I mean with judgment is a lie?

Let's imagine that there is a book here and
you read the book and I read the book

And you say "oh this book is really boring"
and I say "no this book is so interesting"

What happened?

Listen to the language that we speak

You say "The book is boring" and I say
"The book is interesting"

What happened to the book?

The book enters into a kind of an existential
question. Am I boring? Am I interesting?

I would say the book is not boring and the book is not interesting.

The book is just a book.

Judgment is a tragic description of a
certain experience that we are having

and we are not very skilled to
describe this experience

So it's relatively easy when we speak about books

and it becomes more complicated when we are speaking about people

So as Marshall Rosenberg said (the founder of 'Nonviolent Communication')

every judgement is a tragic
expression of a beautiful need

Each time somebody is judging you.
It actually has nothing to do with you

It's an expression of a need that they have

So what is it when I said to Oriane
for example,

You are so selfish.
You don't care about the relationship!

What was my need?
What was the experience in me

that I was trying to describe?

Well when I say you're selfish

It is that

That I just love her a lot

It's funny you know, to say selfish that's a
weird way to say I love you

And you can notice that when I say you're selfish

That does not motivate her to spend
more time with me

So, let's see. How Oriane would react
if I share my need with her

So Oriane?

I realize that I really miss you, actually.

I really would love to spend time together.

I wonder would you enjoy maybe tomorrow
morning, to take some time together?

Yeah, yeah awesome

Yeah. Yeah tomorrow morning works

Cool!

But it's not always that simple

And what if she would say no?

So Oriane, I was thinking shall we take time
tomorrow morning then?

No morning is really really bad timing for me

So when Oriane is saying no,

it just mean that there
is another need that is wanting to be included

So let's guess what this need could be?

You want to make sure that you take
care of your running?

Yeah, definitely running or yoga,

Morning for me is really the best moment
for my physical balance

Yeah, so you really want to take care of your balance?

Definitely, you know how I am when I'm not in balance.

Yeah...

So yeah, so she would like to care for her balance

and believe me when her need for balance is
not being met. It's not fun to be with her...

So let's continue the dialogue to see
how to include this need

Yeah, so you really want to take care of
your balance?

Yeah, definitely

Do you have maybe an idea of
when would be a fun time for you?

That we can spend time together?

Well, actually tomorrow evening I'm available
and I would love to cook with you.

Yeah?

Perfect!

So this super simple principle

of moving the dialogue first
to meeting on the level of needs

and only then come with creativity as to
how to care for everyone's needs

can be used on all levels.
It can be used with couples,

It can be used at work.
And also it can be used in politics

Watch this video how I was supporting
a green organization

to be in a negotiation with a Chinese Minister

for example, I was working with a group of

green organization and

They were in a negotiation with the
Chinese Minister to stop fishing tuna fish

Because in two years there will be
no more tuna fish in the ocean

So they made research during one year,
they spend a lot of money

to collect all the information of
how to convince the Chinese minister

to stop fishing tuna fish

and they came to the Chinese minister and
during two hours they gave him a lecture

about how wrong it is to continue fishing tuna fish and

At the end they told him:

so dear Chinese Minister,
you should stop fishing tuna fish.

And guess what the Chinese Minister say

No, I don't want, no way!

My guess also he was not even listening to them

During two hours... It's more than what a minister likes to listen

So I told them, okay, can I try to do this
negotiation in Nonviolent Communication?

So I asked one of them to play the Chinese Minister.

Then I told this Chinese Minister:
"Dear Chinese Minister,

I have this research that is saying that in two years there will be no more tuna fish,

So I'm really concerned for the ecological system

Can you please, tell me your reasons, behind
continue fishing tuna fish?"

And then the Chinese minister said:

"Yes I have 15 million people working in
this industry"

Then I said: "Thank you very much for giving me this information."

I said: "well, so dear Chinese Minister,

I hear that there are 15 million people
working in this industry.

I really care for them

And I'm really worried that in two years.
They will have no more jobs.

So are you open to negotiate with me to see
how we can care for these 15 million people?

And all the five greenpeacers they were oh my god...!

So every judgment is a tragic
expression of a beautiful need.

So let's do an exercise together to
experience it a little bit

So Oriane will show a demonstration

And I will invite you to press:
Pause

Between each step in order to use
your own example from your own life

So step one

Think of a situation from your life

when somebody did or said
something that you didn't like

Well when Yoram said you are selfish

[Pause to think of such a situation in your life]

Step two

Right all your judgmental thoughts about this
person and allow yourself to be uncensored

My judgments uncensored...

He's always judging me

He's putting his frustration on me all the time.
Like I'm his garbage. Yeah

[Pause to write down all your judgemental
thoughts about the person in your situation]

Step 3

Connect with the need behind each
judgment

and use the need list that appears
at the end of Oriane's demonstration

Yeah, he's always judging me. That's my judgment and

Yeah, first of all, it's very painful

Yeah, and also I realize I'm scared,

I'm scared that we will get more and more
distance

And I so want to be seen, you know, that
I very much care about our relationship

And you know, I have, I have other needs,

and I even need support, to take care of

of this balance between all those needs

[Pause to look at the words on the following list and get a feeling of / connect to the NEEDS that are behind YOUR judgements]

[One more thing ...]

Judgments are all over the place

I judge you and I judge myself all day long.
If you want to see where is the most violent

War zone, is in people's head
how they speak with themselves all day long.

For example, now, I'm making this video

But all the time I'm thinking: "I'm such a bad
actor, it's such a crap what I'm doing

I'm really a failure. It's worth nothing

And behind this judgment, every judgment
is a tragic expression of a beautiful need,

the need is that I so care...

I so want to create something that is
meaningful to you to watch,

something that you can learn from

It's like I'm obsessed with my connection with you.

I don't even know you and I'm
obsessed with you already!

So this was a very short introduction to 'Nonviolent Communication'.

if you want to learn more have a look at my website

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