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- Hey, everybody.
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Today, we're gonna talk
about shame and trauma
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and why they are so deeply connected.
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Before we jump into this
very important topic,
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are you new to my channel?
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Welcome.
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I release videos on
Mondays and on Thursdays
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so make sure you're subscribed
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and have your notifications turned on
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so you don't miss out.
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As always, let's first begin
by defining the two terms.
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Now, shame is defined as a
painful feeling of humiliation
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or distress caused by the
consciousness of wrong
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or foolish behavior
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but I find that many people
confuse shame with guilt.
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Maybe it's because they both cause us
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to feel bad about ourselves
but they are very different
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and I think it's important
to highlight that
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before we really get
into this any further.
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Now, guilt is when we judge our behavior
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as being negative or wrong,
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our behavior, remember that,
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meaning that if I told someone
that I would pay them back
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but I didn't, I could feel guilty about it
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because I feel that what I did
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or more importantly didn't do
was wrong or inconsiderate.
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Now, shame on the other hand
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is when we view ourselves
as being bad or wrong.
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It's much deeper than guilt
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and it can't be fixed
by simply making amends
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or following through with
what you said you would do.
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As you can see, guilt can in some ways
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motivate us to be better
and to make amends.
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Shame isn't motivating and in most cases,
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it can actually be debilitating.
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It can cause us to believe terrible things
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about ourselves and our situation
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and in turn make our mental
health issues even worse.
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Many of my patients
and viewers have shared
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how shame has made them act
in more self-destructive ways
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whether it be sabotaging relationships
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or engaging in self-injurious behavior.
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Guilt is about our actions
and shame is about ourselves.
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Therefore, shame is something
that we need to understand
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so that we can process it
and remove it from our lives.
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Also, as I was doing research,
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I've heard shame described
as a developmental trauma
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meaning that it doesn't occur
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immediately following the traumatic event
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but it grows over time,
it develops over time
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especially if the traumas repeat
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or if our PTSD symptoms go untreated.
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Now, moving on to trauma.
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It is defined as a deeply distressing
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or disturbing experience.
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In order for someone to be traumatized,
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they have to fear for their life
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or the life of someone else.
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These can be big events,
big traumas or big Ts
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or a bunch of smaller events or little ts
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but they can all lead us to struggling
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with the symptoms of PTSD
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and if you want more information
on PTSD or what it is,
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you can click the link in the description
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for my video all about it.
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Now that we know the definitions
of both shame and trauma,
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let's get into why they are
so connected to one another.
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I personally believe that shame
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is only linked to certain
trauma experiences.
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Now, I could be wrong and
you're more than welcome
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to share your thoughts in
those comments down below
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but just hear me out for a minute
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because I believe that
shame is only associated
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with traumas that we
feel we are responsible
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or could have stopped.
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This is obviously dependent
on our own personal experience
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during or after that traumatic event
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but if we feel that we could have
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or should have done something to stop it,
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we can feel full of shame as a result
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'cause think back to
the definition of shame
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and how it can cause us to feel
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that we are just wrong or bad
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and if we felt that we
could have done something
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to stop the trauma from occurring
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or did something to cause it,
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of course we would struggle
with feelings of shame.
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Does that make sense?
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Now, research has shown that
when we experience shame
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as a result of trauma,
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it can lead us into having
more unhealthy coping skills
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such as excessive alcohol
use, complete avoidance
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or self-injurious behaviors
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which can interfere with our
ability to process the emotions
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that we associate with
the traumatic event.
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Think about it.
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Drinking a lot is gonna numb us out.
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If we're using self-injurious behaviors,
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we've talked about this being
an unhealthy coping skill
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and a way to kinda express
how we're feeling differently
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or numb out from all that
we may be experiencing
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so we just focus on that
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and this inability to process emotions
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may then contribute to the development
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or intensification of our PTSD symptoms.
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Also, since shame can be so
debilitating and stigmatizing,
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we're less likely to even
reach out for professional help
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and support when we need it most
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and additionally, they
believe that shame is born out
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of the free state that
trauma can put us in
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because when we're so
overwhelmed and traumatized
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that we feel frozen and unable
to move or help ourselves,
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we can slowly begin to believe
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that what happened was all our fault
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because we didn't do anything to stop it
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and that's how shame becomes toxic
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and impedes our ability
to process through things
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and move forward.
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It doesn't help us see how our
actions are affecting others
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or motivate us to change
which guilt can actually do.
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Instead, it causes us to isolate,
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believe that it's all our fault
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and something is completely
inherently wrong with us.
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Now, there is so much I could talk about
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when it comes to trauma and shame
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but I wanna make sure I leave some time
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to talk about how we can heal from it
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and move past the shame that
we may feel because we can
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and number one, because
we're dealing with trauma
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and possibly some unhealthy coping skills,
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we'll need to gather our healthy
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and helpful resources first.
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Research shows us that
the free state happens
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because we don't really know
what else to do in that moment
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and it pushes us out
of our resilient zone.
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You remember I did that
video with Alexa a while ago?
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And so when we do that,
when it pushes us out,
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it's because we don't have
any resources to help us out.
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So in order to even
consider talking through
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all we may have been through
and the traumatizing situation,
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we're gonna need to
have internal resources
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available to us at all times.
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These aren't distraction techniques
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or healthy coping skills.
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These are resources within ourselves
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and in other people in our lives.
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For example, a resource could
be your amazing sense of humor
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or your compassion for others
or your closest friend or pet
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or a safe space that you
have where you can go
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and you can relax and feel
okay, anything like that.
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So any resource that you could use
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to help you better manage any
of the hard and icky stuff
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we know can come up
when we're going through
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and talking through the trauma,
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you need to be able to
go to that happy place
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or to use that sense of
humor to keep you present
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and help you continue to push through
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and your therapist
should also be a resource
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but it can take a while
for us to feel safe enough
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to call them that
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and know that we feel
safe in their office.
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It takes us a while to feel okay
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but coming up with resources
can take many sessions
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so be patient as you put together
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the ones that work for you.
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Next or number two is
mindfulness and grounding.
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When we've been traumatized
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and are struggling with
intense feelings of shame,
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it can be hard to stay present.
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This could mean that we're
unable to stay in our body
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and so we'll dissociate
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or that we struggle to
stay in the present time
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and have a hard time
discerning past from present
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and I put these two tools together
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because they work really in tandem.
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Now, first, think about it.
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With mindfulness, we have to begin feeling
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all that comes up for us in our body
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as well as what emotions we feel.
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This can start by simply
tracking your feelings
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with feelings charts.
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I've talked about that a lot.
So you can print those off.
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You can Google them online
and print off a feelings chart
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but it helps to track that first
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and then progress to how an
emotion feels in your body.
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Where is it, what sensation
do you feel, et cetera
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and it can take some time
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but the better able we are
to recognize the feeling
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and actually allow ourselves to feel it
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and move through it and stay present,
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the better able we'll be
to talk through our trauma
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and start to heal and also
because we have to be present
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in order for our brain to have the chance
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to reprocess at all.
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Talked about that when it comes to EMDR
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that we have to be present
in order for it to work
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and that's why figuring out
what grounding techniques,
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remember these work in tandem, right,
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mindfulness and grounding,
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it's important to figure out
what grounding techniques
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work for you and that will help
you so much in this process
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and remember, grounding techniques
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could be snapping rubber
bands on your wrist,
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stomping your feet, clapping your hands,
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counting the colors in a room.
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Connecting to what we feel in our body
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and connecting that with
the grounding technique
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can help us focus on that area
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and can be so life changing
during our trauma reprocessing.
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Next or number three, explore the trauma
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and situations that created shame for you.
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Because shame is often attached
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to a lot of other uncomfortable emotions
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and could be what's keeping
us held in our PTSD response,
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we have to figure out what situations
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caused us to feel shameful.
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Now, obviously, this needs to
be done slowly and carefully
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but your therapist should walk you through
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and help you see the other
side of the encounter.
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Perhaps we aren't taking
into consideration
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why someone would do
that to another person.
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Is that person an egomaniac?
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Maybe they're acting out
of their own pain or shame.
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Would they have done this to us
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or someone else no matter we did?
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Essentially taking the
responsibility off ourselves,
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it can lead to shame.
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Taking the time to reframe what happened
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can help us acknowledge how we felt
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instead of what we usually try to do
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is try to just brush it off,
push it down and ignore it
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and I know talking through each encounter
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that may have caused us to feel shame
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can seem really, really tedious
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but it's important that we do it
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so that we can see the other side of it
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and then be able to let it go.
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It can also help to talk out
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what other emotions come up
for you when you do this.
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So maybe you feel anger and shame?
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Adding in an emotion word to the shame
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can help us better connect
with what we're feeling
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again going back to the tip
before this about mindfulness.
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Acknowledging that we felt other emotions
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can be clues to our healing as well.
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Now, next or number four,
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developing new and healthier relationships
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and ways to protect ourselves.
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Shame often gets passed around
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from hurt person to hurt person
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because it's often too
difficult to deal with.
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So instead of dealing with
it, we inflict it upon others.
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One article I read
called shame a hot potato
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and I kinda like that analogy
'cause it gets passed around.
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We're like, ugh, I hate
this, it feels terrible,
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you take it and so we
push it onto other people
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but once we figured it
where the shame came from,
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the situations, the people,
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the traumas we may have experienced
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and we're able to safely
reframe these situations
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to see it wasn't in fact our fault
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and there isn't anything
inherently wrong with us
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then we can develop
healthier coping skills
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and relationships starting with
our therapeutic relationship
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and you can do roleplay within sessions
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to practice communication skills,
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come up with self-care
tools and techniques
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and work together to
recognize any of the clues
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that we may be slipping into old habits.
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Now, I know all of that
may seem like a lot of work
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and in truth it is but I
always think it's important
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that we know it can and will get better.
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Finding the right therapist,
possibly a trauma specialist,
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is imperative as well as being
patient with your process.
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Trauma work takes time
and what's most important
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is that you feel supported
as you were challenged
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but not pushed to move too fast
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and that's why resourcing was
the first step I mentioned.
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We need to feel supported and safe
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while we do all of the
work we're gonna need to do
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in order to heal.
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This video has been brought to you
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by the Kinions on Patreon.
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If you would like to support the creation
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of these mental health videos,
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click the link in the
description and check it out.
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But as always, I wanna hear from you.
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Did I leave out an important step?
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Was there something else that helped you?
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Do you think shame and trauma
aren't really linked at all?
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Let me know in those comments down below
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and I will see you next time.
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Bye.