When to take a stand — and when to let it go

So this summer,

I was back in Ohio for a family wedding.

And when I was there,

there was a meet and greet

with Anna and Elsa from Frozen.

Not the Anna and Elsa from Frozen,

as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.

These two entrepreneurs had a business
of running princess parties.

If a kid's turning five,

they'll come sing some songs,

sprinkle some fairy dust.

It's great.

And they were not about to miss out
on the opportunity

on the phenomenon that was Frozen.

So they get hired by the local toy store,

kids come in on a Saturday morning,

buy some Disney swag,

get their picture taken with the princesses,

call it a day.

It's like Santa Claus without
the seasonal restrictions.

And my three and a half old niece, Samantha,

was in the thick of it.

She could care less that these two women

were signing posters and coloring books

as "Snow Queen" and "Princess Ana"
with one N

to avoid copyright lawsuits.

According to my niece and the 200 plus
kids in the parking lot that day,

this was the Anna and Elsa from Frozen.

It is a a blazing hot Saturday morning
in August in Ohio.

We get there at 10 o'clock,

the scheduled start time,

and we are handed number 59.

By 11 o'clock, they had called
numbers 21 through 25.

This was going to be a while.

And there is no amount
of free face painting

or temporary tattoos that could prevent
the meltdowns

that were occurring outside of this store.

So, by 12:30, we get called,

"56 to 63, please."

And as we walk in,

it is a scene I can only describe to you

as saying it looked like Norway threw up.

(Laughter)

There were cardboard cut-out snowflakes
covering the floor,

glitter on every flat surface

and icicles all over the walls.

And as we stood in line in an attempt

to give my niece a better vantage point

than the backside of the mother
of number 58,

I put her up on my shoulders

and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses.

And as we moved forward,

her excitement only grew.

And as we finally got to the front of the line

and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses,

I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body.

Let's be honest,

at that point, I was pretty excited too.

(Laughter)

I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing.

So we get to the front of the line,

and the haggard clerk turns to my niece
and says,

"Hi, Honey. You're next.
Wanna get down

or do you want to stay
on your dad's shoulders

for the picture?"

And I was, for lack of a better word,

frozen.

It's amazing that in an unexpected instant

we're faced with the question,

Who am I?

Am I an aunt or am I an advocate?

Millions of people have seen my
video about

how to have a hard conversation

and there one was, right in front of me.

At the same time, there's nothing
more important to me

than the kids in my life.

So I found myself in a situation

that we so often find ourselves in.

We are torn between two things,

two impossible choices.

Would I be an advocate?

Would I take my niece off my shoulders

and turn to the clerk and explain to her

that I was in fact her aunt,
not her father,

and that she should be more careful

and not jump to gender conclusions

based on haircuts and shoulder-rides.

And while doing that,

miss out on what was, to this point,

the greatest moment of my niece's life.

Or would I be an aunt?

Would I brush off that comment,

take a million pictures and not
be distracted for an instant

from the pure joy of that moment,

and by doing that, walk out with the shame

that comes from not standing up for myself,

especially in front of my niece.

Who was I?

Which one was more important?

Which role was more worth it?

Was I an aunt, or was I an advocate?

And I had a split second to decide.

We are taught right now

that we are living in a world

of constant and increasing polarity.

It's so black and white,

so us and them,

so right and wrong.

There is no middle, there is no grey.

Just polarity.

Polarity is a state in which two ideas
or opinions

are completely opposite from each other.

Diametrial opposition.

Which side are you on?

Are you unequivoably and without question

anti-war, pro choice, anti death penalty
pro gun regulation,

proponent of open borders
and pro union.

Or are you absolutely
and uncompromisingly

pro wat, pro life, pro death penalty

believe the 2nd amendment is absolute,

anti immigrant and pro business.

It's all or none,

you're with us or against us.

That is polarity.

Now the problem with polarity
and aboslutes

is that it eliminates the individuality

of our human experience

and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature.

But if we're pulled in these two directions

but it's not really where we exist,

polarity is not really our actually reality,

where do we go from there,

what's at the other end of that spectrum?

And I don't think that it's unattainable,
harmonious utopia,

I think the opposite of polarity is duality.

Now duality is the state of having two parts

but not in diametrical opposition,

in simultaneous existence.

Don't think it's possible?

Here are the people I know.

I knew catholics who were pro choice