Burnistoun Series 1 Episode 1

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So what's the system here?

I dunno. I think you just go up
and get your grub.

What, you just walk up?!

I think so.

But I've nae plate.

I think there's maybe plates up there.

Tight, you go up first, then.

No, you go up first. You're the one
that wanted to come in here.

- I don't know the set-up.
- Well, neither do I.

Tight, I'll go.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
We'll go together.

Naw, we cannae go up together.

If we go up together
and there's nae plates,

then we need to come back together,
empty-handed, like clowns.

If there's nae plates,
you'll look like a clown anyway.

Naw, if I go up myself, I'll just look
like I'm checking the food oot.

And if there's plates there,
I'll gie you a wee wink.

You're no' winking at me!
We'll look like a couple of boyfriends.

Who are you shouting at?

We should have just went
to a normal place.

I'm starving. It's all you can eat.
It's a bargain.

You guys been to a buffet before?

- Do you know what yous are doin'?
- Aye, mate, aye.

Aye, nae bother, big chap.

Veterans, mate, you know, veterans.

OK. Well, enjoy your meal.

- What did you no' say to him for?
- What did you no' say to him for?

When I dae get a plate,
I'm going to put it ower your heid

for making us come in here,
you fat, greedy shite!

Just go up, help yoursel',
that's what it says.

That's what I was gonnae dae, idiot.

Here, mate, sit down.

If you're going up and I'm staying here,

you'll need to get me
a plate o' grub an' all.

Naw.

If I bring back a plate for you,
I'll look like your wife, never mind
your boyfriend.

Aye, well, as long as you're sorted.

Selfish bastard.

- What'd you call me?!
- You heard.

I'll stick that fork in your neck,
you c...

He disnae. He's too scared to go up.

Aw, there's nothing to it.

I'm no' scared.

He's scared.

Gie's yer plate.

Honestly, it's like taking my son out
or something.

Do I just take what I want?
This is a nightmare, man.

Oh, are you...?

Naw, naw, naw, on you go.
I'm just passing through.

All right?

All right, folks? Know what you're doing
at the buffet and that, aye?

Aye. Nae bother.

Good, good.

My name's James Jumpstyle
of Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs,

Burnistoun's only
Jumpstyle furniture store.

You'd better get down here
for our spring sale quickstyle...

or should that be...Jumpstyle?

My Jumpstyle staff will sort you out
with all your furniture needs...

Jumpstyle!

What kind of bedside cabinet
was it were you after, madam?

Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs!

Come on down and shop in style...

shop in Jumpstyle!

I heard old Biscuity Boyle
was down there, an' all.

Aye, aye.

He got stuck in the revolving door,
and his troosers fell doon.

Poor old bugger.

Ah, you couple of bent shots, man!

- Tadgers.
- Hey, don't dingy us,

you pair o' rent boys, man!

Keep walking, Gordo.

Yous are getting knifed, man!

Oh!

Try to imagine throwing a two-litre
bottle of ginger over 150 metres

and landing it dead centre on a target,

that target being a rocket's napper.

That's exactly what my next guest did,
Gordon Belford.

- Gordon, hello.
- Hello, Sarah.

So, what's the script
with this ginger-throwing thing, then?

Well, me and my mate, Jamie,
were just out getting some swadgers,

and on the way back, these wee guys
started giein' us a bit o' snash.

What kind of snash?

Er, just kinda calling us bent shots
and rent boys, an' that.

And then one of the wee skelpers
said that he was pulling a knife.

So, I just flung ma bottle o' ginger.

And as fortune had it,

- I doofed it right aff his dome.
- Amazing.

And is it true you're going to be
in The Guinness Book Of Records?

Well, apparently, I'd have to recreate
the throw under Guinness conditions.

Gordon, you have your two-litre
bottle of ginger?

The wee fud is in position.

Yous are all gettin' knifed, man!

Gordon, good luck.

Aaaaaah!

Yes!

Whoo! Wow!

I heard old Biscuity Boyle
was doon there an' all.

Aye, he got stuck in the revolving
doors, and his troosers fell doon.

Poor old bugger.

Hey! You couple of bent shots, man.

Wee tadgers.

Hey! Don't dingy us, you rent boys.

- Keep walking, Gordo.
- No, baby.

Us decent folk don't need to stand
for no more of this bullshit, baby.

Yous are getting knifed, man.

Waaah!

No-one can withstand
my two-litre bottle o' ginger, bitch!

You want some, baby?

You get 'em, Gordo!

Come on...!

What you daein', Gordo?
You'll never hit them from here.

Ah, you nugget! You cannae even throw
a bottle o' ginger, man!

Yaaaaaaa!

Go on.

Just through here.

That's it, son. Just you keep quiet
till you see what's what

It's a simple job.
I just want some shelves up on this wall.

Three sturdy ones.
I'll buy them, you put them up.

Right son, I want you to suck
the air in through your teeth,

as if you've just been kicked
square in the hawmaws.

What?

Now, shake your heid a wee bit,
tell her the job's no' as easy

as she might think
and call her "hen".

The job's no' as simple
as you might think...hen.

Never let them think
it's an easy job.

Act as if she's just asked you to
pull Atlantis aff the ocean flair,

wi' your bare hauns.

Now, run yer hauns
across the wall.

Look like you're being forced to
caress the world's spottiest arse.

These walls are...eh...em...

Duran Duran, son.

Notorious.

Be aw bright-eyed and enthusiastic
with this good news, son,

like you're a Jack Russell
presenting Crimewatch.

Notorious?

Hit her wi' it.

Aye, the plastering in these hooses
is notoriously bad.

Bull's-eye!

Really? Didn't know that.

Aye. The guys that done it...

Aye?

That's it, son. That's it.
Drop the C-word on her, give her the big C!

- Cowboys.
- Yes! Yes, son! World class!

Noo ask her the question.
Seal the deal.

So, any chance o' a wee cup of tea?

Yes, yes! Brilliant son!

You are officially a tradesman.

Well done, son. Well done.

All right? I think I need stitches.

What happened to you?

Fell doon the stair.

- What stair?
- The stair in ma hoose.

- Where's your hoose?
- Blackmount Street.

- How d'you fall?
- I tripped.

- How did you trip?
- Ma shoes are too big.

- How's your shoes too big?
- They're no' ma shoes.

- Whose are they?
- Ma da's.

- Why's he no' wearing them?
- He's deid.

- How'd he die?
- He fell doon the stair.

- How'd he fall?
- His shoes were too wee.

- How's his shoes too wee?
- He stole 'em.

- Who aff?
- Me.

Tight, take a seat.

Come here a minute.

- What's your name?
- What d'you need my name for?

So I can fill out this form.

- What's the form for?
- To gie to the doctor.

- What's he want it for?
- So he doesn't need to ask yer name.

- Why doesn't he want to ask me?
- Cos he cannae be bothered.

- Why can he no' be bothered?
- Cos he disnae care.

Ma name's Ronnie, Ronnie Stokes.

Tight, thanks. Sit doon.

C'mere.

- Ronnie Stokes?
- Aye, Ronnie Stokes.

Ma name's Stokes an' all, Barry Stokes.

- Mine's Ronnie Stokes.
- Barry Stokes.

Ronnie Stokes.

- D'you know Carol Stokes?
- Naw. D'you know Davie Stokes?

- Naw. D'you know Stevie Stokes?
- Naw. D'you know Barry Stokes?

- Ah'm Barry Stokes.
- No' you. Another Barry Stokes.

- Naw. D'you know Big Sarah Stokes?
- Naw. D'you know Big Sandy Stokes?

- Naw. D'you know Ronnie Stokes?
- I'm Ronnie Stokes.

No' you. Another Ronnie Stokes.

- Ma dad's name was Ronnie Stokes an' all.
- O' Bishopton?

- Aye. That was ma da.
- Aye, that's ma dad's cousin.

Aye, ma da, Ronnie Stokes.

Amazin'. How is your da?

I just told you. He's deid.

Oh, that's right. How d'you say he died?

- He fell doon the stair.
- Oh, that's right.

- How d'you say he fell again?
- His shoes were too wee.

Oh, that's right.

- How's your da?
- Aw, ma da's deid now an' all.

- How'd he die?
- Died in a car crash.

- How'd it happen?
- Lost control o' the motor.

- How'd he lose control?
- Feet slipped aff the pedals.

- How'd that happen?
- Shoes were too big.

- How come his shoes were too big?
- They werenae his shoes.

- Whose shoes were they?
- He got a len' of them aff your da.

- Where were his ain shoes?
- Somebody stole them.

- Who stole them?
- I did. Look.

Got them on the noo.

- They look awfy wee.
- Nah. They're fine.

I'll just take your form round
to the doctor. Take a seat.

And so I've set up office in here
and I'm going to run

as an independent candidate
for the Burnistoun West seat.

People say single-issue candidates
are never a good thing for politics.

Well, the needless installation
of traffic lights

at the Dekebone roundabout
is a single issue

around which this whole community
has rallied.

If our MP had dealt with this
single issue in the first place,

- there'd be no need for me to do this.
- But let's say you win.

You'll need to think about a whole
lot more than the Dekebone roundabout.

Well, I'll worry about that when I win.

I cannae believe we've won.

I was just hoping to make a point,
really, but to have actually won

just shows you the strength of feeling
people have

towards these utterly needless traffic
lights at the Dekebone roundabout,

which it is now my job to have removed.

I think the police are happy for them
to hang around on the spare ground,

but my house backs onto it,

and this gang are regularly smashing
my windows and intimidating me.

Tight. And where is your house
in relation to the Dekebone roundabout?

I'm nowhere near the Dekebone roundabout.
I just told you where I lived.

Well, is there some way you could get
these boys onto the Dekebone roundabout?

What are you talking about?

Like, put some alcopops down for them,
as bait.

Lure them onto it,
and then maybe I can help you.

Why should they need to be
on that roundabout for you to help me?

Well, I was elected
on the Dekebone roundabout issue.

That's where my focus is.

That's reality.

I mean, nobody was expecting
a hung parliament in the first place,

but for the whole thing to hinge on me
was just incredible.

What did the Prime Minister
say to you?

I did nae give him a chance
to say anything. I just said,

"Here, you, never mind saving
your ain backside,

"what about these traffic lights
at the Dekebone roundabout?"

What did he say?

He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary.

Sorry, Mr President, I'm choking
on my roll and tottie scone here.

Yes, I know the Middle East situation
is very complex,

but I feel we can solve it
by taking the same approach

as I've taken to the
Dekebone roundabout.

Are you aware of that particular chaos?

I've come unfeasibly far in British
politics and I suppose it's inevitable

that the thing that got me where I am
is the thing that finishes me off.

Is this breaking news?

On the day I finally got the traffic
lights at the Dekebone
roundabout removed,

Billy Carr's daughter was driving
round it in her brand-new Punto.

She stopped halfway round,
expecting a red light.

- Force of habit.
- Er, anyway, she took a bit of a bump,

and it caused £200 worth of damage.

So I feel I've no
option but to resign...

as the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

I cannae even fuckin' drive.

I cannae even drive.

All right, Scott, mate, come on in.

No, I've nae time, man.
Listen, remember last week,

when you could nae make it oot
for ma birthday?

Aye, aye, sorry I could
nae make it, man.

Naw, naw, it's all right.
Mind you phoned me when I was in the pub

and you said, "Happy birthday
and have a round on me"?

Er, aye, aye.

Aye, well, em, the round came to...

£23.75.

Tight. Er, you sure I did nae say,
"Have a drink on me"?

- Naw.
- "Have one on me"?

Naw. "Have a round on me," you said.

I remember, cos we werenae doing rounds,
just buying our ain,

and then you phoned, and we switched
onto rounds for that one round.

23.75.

Tight, that's 30. You got change?

Naw.

Tight. Listen, I'm not bothered about
gieing you the money, Scott.

But, erm, sometimes somebody would
say something as a figure o' speech,

and you just wouldnae call them on it.
I mean, you just wouldnae dae it.

Nae idea what you're talkin' about, Peter.
I'll catch you later, bud, all right?

Aye, later, bud.

Make yerself comfy.

Sort us a wee drink, Jade, and I'll
mebbe be on ma worst behaviour later.

Mm.

- Have you got a cat?
- Aye, I've got a cat.

You no' a cat person?

It's no' that.

Listen, I'd better go. I'm sorry.

Wait. What is it?

If you're allergic,
I'll put it in the other room.

No, it's...

Look, Jade, this might sound mental.

But when I was 14,
I choked on a bit of pakora.

Tight.

And when I woke up frae the coma...

I found I could...

read cats' memories.

So what? All they do is sleep and eat.

Naw. Look, if we're...

gettin' intae things and suddenly
I get a vision o' a wee bird

getting slaughtered or a mouse
getting tortured, it'll kill the mood.

- Believe me.
- It's a hoose cat.

It's never been oot.
Don't worry, I'll get you a drink.

God, my arse is so hairy the night!

Cheerio.

OK, with me in the studio today
is Sammy Strange.

And if I could just
pick you up on a point, Sammy,

you said to our last caller
that you had travelled through time.

Into the future.

Yeah. I mean, it's strange to believe,

but I've actually heard this interview
go out on air.

This interview?

This very interview.

OK. So, can you prove that?

Well, what do you want to know?

Well, what happens next?

I answer your question.

And there we go.

No, no, right, right, OK, OK.

What happens after I say this?

What happens is I tell you what happens.

And then it happens.

And it just did.

No, no, what you're saying
isn't happening in the future,
it's happening now.

So what happens in the future
after this?

I answer your question.

When?

Tight now.

Just then. And there we go.

OK, OK, OK, don't say another word, OK?

If you've been to the future

and you've already heard this interview,
what do I say next?

Sausage rolls.

- Sausage rolls?
- And there we go.

No, no, you led me into that.
OK, let's take a call.

You tell me the name of the next caller.

Umm...

Amanda from Burnistoun.

- Without looking at the monitor.
- I didn't look at the monitor.

Sammy, I think it's amazing that you
knew my name. That's really strange!

Thank you, Amanda.

He just looked at the monitor,
Amanda, that's all.

He's gonnae say I did
look at the monitor.

- You did look at the monitor.
- And there we go.

You're amazing.

- He's gonnae wrap it up now.
- No.

I'm not, actually. So you're wrong.

- Proved you're a fake.
- Here it comes.

No, it's gonnae happen.

Not wrapping it up, keep going.

Any minute now.

Oh, this'll be amazing
if this happens!

Yeah, well, of course
it has to happen eventually.

Of course it has to happen,
because I said it would.

Yeah, well, it hasn't yet, has it?

I'm just getting word from my producer.

We have to wrap it up.

And there we go.

Oh, my God!

Are you wan o' thae people that are
frightened of wakenin' up inside a coffin

after you've been buried?

Don't worry.

For only a hunner pound a dig,
Burnistoun Fear Services

will dig you up every single day,
until you physically start to rot.

Here, mate.

You still deid? Mate? Mate?

Here, you still deid, mate?

Burnistoun Fear Services...

Argh! Argh!

Just in case.

We're tryin' to run
an ice-cream van here, Walter.

Shut up.

I'm fillin' my paddling pool now,
anyway, cos we're at the beach
now, anyway.

- There's nae room.
- Yes, there is.

I only need enough room
for my handies and my feeties

and a wee bit of my bare bottom, anyway.

You are not swimmin'
in this ice-cream van!

I wouldnae even have to make
a rubbish paddling pool beach

if you'd let us go on holiday
to Blackpool,

like I wanted to go to Blackpool
on holiday, anyway!

There's nae time. Somebody
has got to pay the bills round here.

I don't see why I should pay any bills.

I'm only 17 years old, anyway.

You're the same age as me, Walter.

I was talking about doggy years,
you idiot!

But you are not a doggy.

I bet you wish I was a doggy,
then you could tie me up

in your bedroom and kiss me, like
you kiss all the other doggies, anyway.

You're a disgusting,
disgusting boy, Walter.

I run a groomin' service.

Yes. You're the groom
and the doggy's the bride!

- What can I get for you?
- Can I have a packet of salt and vinegar?

A packet of salty and vinegary crispies.
Certainly.

Walter!

Don't know what you're shoutin' at
me for, I never even done anythin'.

You just drenched me.

It was a wave, you stupid idiot!
It was a wave from the beach!

I'll wave at you in a minute.

Wave you away on the bus.
Back to the home we got sent
tae when Mammy died.

Oh, oh, oh, look at ma lip.

You've made ma lip sad now,
anyway, talking aboot that place.

This is your last chance.

You give that wee boy a packet of salty
and vinegary crispies, right now.

I can't see!
Ma lip's shaking too much, anyway.

I just want to go and play my accordion.

Oh, go and play it, then.

40 pence, please.

Thank you, very...

Excuse me. I'm just gonnae go
and have to have a word with my brother.

Help! Help! There's a shark!

Get me out the water, anyway!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

That's it.

Haw!

Haw! Haw!

Haw! Haw!

Haw!

Haw! Haw!

Son, what did I tell you?
Turn that shite aff!

In the name o' me.

Where's the buttons?

No, they've installed voice
recognition technology in this lift.
I heard aboot it.

Voice recognition technology?

In a lift?

In Scotland?

You ever tried
voice recognition technology?

- Naw.
- It don't do Scottish accents.

11!

Could you please repeat that?

11.

11.

- 11.
- 11.

Could you please repeat that?

El-ev-en.

Whose idea was this?

You need to try an American accent.

11 ... 11.

- That sounds Irish, no' American.
- No, it disnae!

- 11.
- Where in America is that, Dublin?

I'm sorry, could you
please repeat that?

Try an English accent.

11 ... 11.

You frae the same part of England
as Dick Van Dyke?

Let's hear yours, then, smart arse.

Please speak slowly and clearly.

Smart arse.

11.

I'm sorry, could you
please repeat that?

11 . If you don't understand the lingo,
away back hame to your ain country.

Ooh. It's that talk now, is it?
"Away back to your ain country"?

Aw, don't start, Mr Bleedin' Heart.
How can you be racist tae a lift?

Please speaks lowly and clearly

11... 11.

11.

- 11.
- You're just saying it the same way.

I'm gonnae keep saying it until it
understands Scottish, all right?

11.

11... 11... 11!

Aw, just take us anywhere, ya cow!
Just open the doors!

This is a voice-activated
elevator.

Please state which floor you would like
togo to in a clear and calm manner.

Calm? Calm?

Where's that coming frae?
Why is it telling people tae be calm?

Because they knew they'd be selling it
to Scottish people

who'd be going aff their nuts at it!

You have not selected a floor.

Aye, we have! 11!

If you would like to get out of the
elevator without selecting a floor,

simply say, "Open the doors,
please."

"Please"? Please?

Suck ma wullie.

Mebbe we should just say please.

I'm no' begging that for nothin'.

Open the doors, please.

"Please"? Pathetic.

Please remain calm.

Lift me up to that thing.
Just wait for it to speak.

- You have not selected a floor.
- Up yours, you cow!

If you don't let us oot these doors,
I'm gonnae come to America,

I'm gonnae find whatever desperate
actress gave you a voice

and I'm gonnae go to the electric chair
for you!

Scotland, you bastard!

- Scotland!
- Scotland!

Sco-o-o-otland!

- Freedom!
- Freedom!

Goin' up?

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