The true cost of financial dependence

I grew up in a family where
my father managed all of the money.

But for some reason,
when I was eight or nine years old,

he started showing me things about money.

We would sit at the kitchen table,
and he'd show me all the bank books.

Now, that was back in the day
before the internet,

when we used to have little books
that we used to keep our information in.

And he would show me
how he saved in these accounts,

and he'd pay bills out of these.

And every time he would show me
something about money,

he would end by saying,
"And don't you tell your mother."

(Laughter)

Now, to this day, I really
don't know why he said that,

but what I do know is,

to that eight-year-old girl
sitting at the kitchen table,

it meant, "Don't say a word."

Years later, when I got
my first job, my father said,

"You'll bring me your check,
and I'll put it in the bank for you."

But because of what he taught me
years before, I said,

"I'd like my bank book."

And to my surprise, he gave it to me.

Right then, at 16 years old,

I began managing my own money.

I went on to college and then
to start my new career as a CPA,

but now, with students loans,
getting an apartment and a new job,

I began the roller-coaster ride
of accumulating debt, paying it off

and accumulating more.

Many years later, after getting married,
I went through an unexpected divorce,

and I was left with a house
I couldn't afford

and bills I couldn't pay.

You might be wondering,

"How does that happen to someone

that's educated and skilled
at managing people's money?"

I had reverted back
to what I learned growing up:

that one person managed all the money.

I had handed over my financial power,

and I had become financially dependent.

Financial dependency is when someone
is dependent on a person,

a job or a situation for money,

and they feel trapped.

People fall into two categories:

dependent with choice
and dependent without a choice.

Someone is dependent with choice
when they hand over their financial power

and their participation.

It can happen in personal
or business relationships

when one person doesn't want
to be involved with the money,

so they hand over the responsibility
to a spouse, a partner or a professional,

like an accountant or a manager.

This was my situation.

I spent all day long
managing other people's money,

so I was relieved

that my husband was interested in
and good at managing ours.

I was free!

For the first time since
that first job at 16 years old,

I didn't have to be responsible
for managing my money.

But what I failed to realize was
what felt like freedom

was really dependency.

My mistake is that I didn't stay involved

or understand what was going on
with our money.

You may have experienced this yourself,

or you may have heard stories
of celebrities or professional athletes

that have relied on family, friends
and others to manage their money,

and they are left broke,
bankrupt and betrayed

because they made the choice
to hand over their financial power.

Someone that's dependent
without a choice feels trapped

because of their financial situation.

They can be in a job or career
where they're unhappy or being harassed

but they can't afford to leave.

Or, someone that's had to move in
with family and friends

because they've had an illness

or gone through a divorce
or experienced a tragedy,

and now they're financially
dependent on others.

And how many of us know someone
that has an elderly parent or a relative

that can no longer
take care of themselves,

and they're left to rely on others,

sometimes handing over their homes,
their money and other assets.

Another type of dependency
without a choice is financial abuse.

Financial abuse is a pattern
of abusive behavior

used to control and intimidate a partner.

Victims are in a relationship,
and the other person has power over them,

because they don't have access
to money, information

or the resources and support
they need to leave.

The Allstate Foundation has a program
called the Purple Purse,

that helps victims of domestic violence

through financial empowerment.

They report that 99 percent --

in 99 out of one hundred
domestic violence cases --

financial abuse helps keep victims
trapped in their relationship.

The Purple Purse has coined
financial abuse "the invisible weapon,"

because visible abuse
leaves bruises and scars,

but financial abuse doesn't.

Financial abuse and financial dependency
leave emotional scars that you can't see.

They include hopelessness,
guilt, shame, depression,

lack of confidence and of self-esteem.

Financial dependency is also invisible
because no one's talking about it.

Why?

Because no one wants to show
their emotional scars,

and because we're taught in our homes,
on our jobs and in our community

not to talk about money.

So many people that I talk to
about this issue,

they can relate and they have a story,

but they're not telling
anyone their story.

When I was told at the kitchen
table, "Don't you tell,"

I never told anyone.

It's even hard for me right now to break
that rule that I learned so long ago.

So, what can I do? What can you do?

What can we all do to disarm
this invisible weapon?

We can solve three problems.

The first problem is lack of awareness,

because knowing about money
and having money

aren't always the solution.

In my situation, I was educated
and experienced in managing money,

but that didn't stop me
from becoming financially dependent.

Why?

Because of the beliefs
and experiences I had growing up.

One person manages all the money.

After my divorce, I had to rebuild
my life financially and emotionally.

So I took every self-development course

and I read every
self-help book I could find.

And that's when I began to understand
the dynamics of the family I grew up in

and how they played a role in me
handing over my financial power.

When you become aware
of your inner bruises and scars,

you can begin to break free
from financial dependency.

The next problem is lack
of information about financial literacy.

Financial literacy is having
the skills and the knowledge

to make informed decisions
about your money.

It includes topics
like savings and investing,

budgeting and debt.

In 2018, only 17 states
required financial literacy

in high school curriculums.

This corresponds with recent studies
that show that 66 percent of Americans

are financially illiterate.

If you are in a financial
dependency situation,

start by looking
and going through your finances,

making decisions, participate in
making decisions about your money.

If you are in a financial abuse situation,

get access to your information.

Look for financial documents
like bank credit card statements,

social security information
and account pass codes.

The last problem is lack of giving
and getting support.

Many people don't know
that there are free resources

online and in your local community

to help you learn and establish
healthy money habits.

There are also free resources
if you are a victim of financial abuse,

like the Purple Purse.

Giving support includes listening
to others that are financially dependent

without judgment or criticism.

It also involves sharing your story,

because when you share your story,
you empower others,

and you give them the permission

to rewrite their own.

It's my hope that by sharing my story,

more people will learn
about financial dependency,

will share their own stories

and will connect with others
to shed a light on this hidden issue

so that we can all have financial freedom.

(Applause)