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The true cost of financial dependence

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    I grew up in a family where
    my father managed all of the money.
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    But for some reason,
    when I was eight or nine years old,
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    he started showing me things about money.
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    We would sit at the kitchen table,
    and he'd show me all the bank books.
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    Now, that was back in the day
    before the internet,
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    when we used to have little books
    that we used to keep our information in.
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    And he would show me
    how he saved in these accounts,
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    and he'd pay bills out of these.
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    And every time he would show me
    something about money,
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    he would end by saying,
    "And don't you tell your mother."
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    (Laughter)
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    Now, to this day, I really
    don't know why he said that,
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    but what I do know is,
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    to that eight-year-old girl
    sitting at the kitchen table,
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    it meant, "Don't say a word."
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    Years later, when I got
    my first job, my father said,
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    "You'll bring me your check,
    and I'll put it in the bank for you."
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    But because of what he taught me
    years before, I said,
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    "I'd like my bank book."
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    And to my surprise, he gave it to me.
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    Right then, at 16 years old,
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    I began managing my own money.
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    I went on to college and then
    to start my new career as a CPA,
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    but now, with students loans,
    getting an apartment and a new job,
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    I began the roller-coaster ride
    of accumulating debt, paying it off
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    and accumulating more.
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    Many years later, after getting married,
    I went through an unexpected divorce,
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    and I was left with a house
    I couldn't afford
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    and bills I couldn't pay.
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    You might be wondering,
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    "How does that happen to someone
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    that's educated and skilled
    at managing people's money?"
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    I had reverted back
    to what I learned growing up:
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    that one person managed all the money.
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    I had handed over my financial power,
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    and I had become financially dependent.
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    Financial dependency is when someone
    is dependent on a person,
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    a job or a situation for money,
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    and they feel trapped.
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    People fall into two categories:
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    dependent with choice
    and dependent without a choice.
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    Someone is dependent with choice
    when they hand over their financial power
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    and their participation.
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    It can happen in personal
    or business relationships
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    when one person doesn't want
    to be involved with the money,
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    so they hand over the responsibility
    to a spouse, a partner or a professional,
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    like an accountant or a manager.
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    This was my situation.
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    I spent all day long
    managing other people's money,
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    so I was relieved
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    that my husband was interested
    and good at managing ours.
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    I was free!
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    For the first time since
    that first job at 16 years old,
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    I didn't have to be responsible
    for managing my money.
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    But what I failed to realize was
    what felt like freedom
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    was really dependency.
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    My mistake is that I didn't stay involved
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    or understand what was going on
    with our money.
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    You may have experienced this yourself,
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    or you may have heard stories
    of celebrities or professional athletes
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    that have relied on family, friends
    and others to manage their money,
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    and they are left broke,
    bankrupt and betrayed
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    because they made the choice
    to hand over their financial power.
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    Someone that's dependent
    without a choice feels trapped
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    because of their financial situation.
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    They can be in a job or career
    where they're unhappy or being harassed
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    but they can't afford to leave.
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    Or, someone that's had to move in
    with family and friends
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    because they've had an illness
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    or gone through a divorce
    or experienced a tragedy,
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    and now they're financially
    dependent on others.
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    And how many of us know someone
    that has an elderly parent or a relative
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    that can no longer
    take care of themselves,
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    and they're left to rely on others,
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    sometimes handing over their homes,
    their money and other assets.
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    Another type of dependency
    without a choice is financial abuse.
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    Financial abuse is a pattern
    of abusive behavior
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    used to control and intimidate a partner.
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    Victims are in a relationship,
    and the other person has power over them,
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    because they don't have access
    to money, information
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    or the resources and support
    they need to leave.
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    The Allstate Foundation has a program
    called the Purple Purse
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    that helps victims of domestic violence
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    through financial empowerment.
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    They report that 99 percent --
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    in 99 out of one hundred
    domestic violence cases --
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    financial abuse helps keep victims
    trapped in their relationship.
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    The Purple Purse has coined
    financial abuse "the invisible weapon,"
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    because visible abuse
    leaves bruises and scars
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    but financial abuse doesn't.
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    Financial abuse and financial dependency
    leave emotional scars that you can't see.
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    They include hopelessness,
    guilt, shame, depression,
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    lack of confidence and self-esteem.
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    Financial dependency is also invisible,
    because no one's talking about it.
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    Why?
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    Because no one wants to show
    their emotional scars,
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    and because we're taught in our homes,
    on our jobs and in our community
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    not to talk about money.
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    So many people that I talk to
    about this issue,
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    they can relate and they have a story,
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    but they're not telling
    anyone their story.
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    When I was told at the kitchen
    table, "Don't you tell,"
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    I never told anyone.
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    It's even hard for me right now to break
    that rule that I learned so long ago.
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    So, what can I do? What can you do?
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    What can we all do to disarm
    this invisible weapon?
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    We can solve three problems.
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    The first problem is lack of awareness,
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    because knowing about money
    and having money
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    aren't always the solution.
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    In my situation, I was educated
    and experienced in managing money,
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    but that didn't stop me
    from becoming financially dependent.
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    Why?
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    Because of the beliefs
    and experiences I had growing up:
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    one person manages all the money.
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    After my divorce, I had to rebuild
    my life financially and emotionally.
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    So I took every self-development course
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    and I read every
    self-help book I could find.
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    And that's when I began to understand
    the dynamics of the family I grew up in
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    and how they played a role in me
    handing over my financial power.
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    When you become aware
    of your inner bruises and scars,
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    you can begin to break free
    from financial dependency.
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    The next problem is lack
    of information about financial literacy.
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    Financial literacy is having
    the skills and the knowledge
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    to make informed decisions
    about your money.
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    It includes topics
    like savings and investing,
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    budgeting and debt.
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    In 2018, only 17 states
    required financial literacy
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    in high school curriculums.
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    This corresponds with recent studies
    that show that 66 percent of Americans
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    are financially illiterate.
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    If you are in a financial
    dependency situation,
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    start by looking
    and going through your finances,
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    making decisions, participate in
    making decisions about your money.
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    If you are in a financial abuse situation,
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    get access to your information.
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    Look for financial documents
    like bank credit card statements,
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    social security information
    and account pass codes.
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    The last problem is lack of giving
    and getting support.
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    Many people don't know
    that there are free resources
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    online and in your local community
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    to help you learn and establish
    healthy money habits.
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    There are also free resources
    if you are a victim of financial abuse,
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    like the Purple Purse.
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    Giving support includes listening
    to others that are financially dependent
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    without judgment or criticism.
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    It also involves sharing your story,
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    because when you share your story,
    you empower others,
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    and you give them the permission
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    to rewrite their own.
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    It's my hope that by sharing my story,
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    more people will learn
    about financial dependency,
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    will share their own stories
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    and will connect with others
    to shed a light on this hidden issue
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    so that we can all have financial freedom.
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    (Applause)
Title:
The true cost of financial dependence
Speaker:
Estelle Gibson
Description:

Giving up control of your finances -- voluntarily or otherwise -- can leave you powerless and, in some cases, confined to a cycle of abuse. In this deeply personal talk, accountant Gibson shares her own story of recovering from financial dependence, providing helpful, actionable advice to empower others who desire the freedom that comes with being responsible for your own money.

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDTalks
Duration:
08:36

English subtitles

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