The true cost of financial dependence
-
0:01 - 0:04I grew up in a family where
my father managed all of the money. -
0:04 - 0:07But for some reason,
when I was eight or nine years old, -
0:07 - 0:09he started showing me things about money.
-
0:09 - 0:13We would sit at the kitchen table,
and he'd show me all the bank books. -
0:13 - 0:16Now, that was back in the day
before the internet, -
0:16 - 0:19when we used to have little books
that we used to keep our information in. -
0:20 - 0:22And he would show me
how he saved in these accounts, -
0:22 - 0:24and he'd pay bills out of these.
-
0:24 - 0:27And every time he would show me
something about money, -
0:27 - 0:30he would end by saying,
"And don't you tell your mother." -
0:30 - 0:32(Laughter)
-
0:32 - 0:36Now, to this day, I really
don't know why he said that, -
0:36 - 0:37but what I do know is,
-
0:37 - 0:40to that eight-year-old girl
sitting at the kitchen table, -
0:40 - 0:44it meant, "Don't say a word."
-
0:45 - 0:47Years later, when I got
my first job, my father said, -
0:47 - 0:50"You'll bring me your check,
and I'll put it in the bank for you." -
0:51 - 0:55But because of what he taught me
years before, I said, -
0:55 - 0:56"I'd like my bank book."
-
0:56 - 0:59And to my surprise, he gave it to me.
-
0:59 - 1:01Right then, at 16 years old,
-
1:01 - 1:03I began managing my own money.
-
1:03 - 1:08I went on to college and then
to start my new career as a CPA, -
1:08 - 1:13but now, with students loans,
getting an apartment and a new job, -
1:13 - 1:17I began the roller-coaster ride
of accumulating debt, paying it off -
1:17 - 1:18and accumulating more.
-
1:19 - 1:22Many years later, after getting married,
I went through an unexpected divorce, -
1:23 - 1:25and I was left with a house
I couldn't afford -
1:25 - 1:27and bills I couldn't pay.
-
1:27 - 1:28You might be wondering,
-
1:29 - 1:30"How does that happen to someone
-
1:30 - 1:33that's educated and skilled
at managing people's money?" -
1:34 - 1:37I had reverted back
to what I learned growing up: -
1:37 - 1:40that one person managed all the money.
-
1:40 - 1:42I had handed over my financial power,
-
1:42 - 1:45and I had become financially dependent.
-
1:46 - 1:49Financial dependency is when someone
is dependent on a person, -
1:49 - 1:52a job or a situation for money,
-
1:52 - 1:54and they feel trapped.
-
1:54 - 1:55People fall into two categories:
-
1:55 - 1:58dependent with choice
and dependent without a choice. -
1:59 - 2:03Someone is dependent with choice
when they hand over their financial power -
2:03 - 2:05and their participation.
-
2:06 - 2:09It can happen in personal
or business relationships -
2:09 - 2:11when one person doesn't want
to be involved with the money, -
2:11 - 2:17so they hand over the responsibility
to a spouse, a partner or a professional, -
2:17 - 2:19like an accountant or a manager.
-
2:19 - 2:20This was my situation.
-
2:20 - 2:22I spent all day long
managing other people's money, -
2:22 - 2:24so I was relieved
-
2:24 - 2:28that my husband was interested
and good at managing ours. -
2:28 - 2:29I was free!
-
2:29 - 2:32For the first time since
that first job at 16 years old, -
2:32 - 2:35I didn't have to be responsible
for managing my money. -
2:35 - 2:39But what I failed to realize was
what felt like freedom -
2:39 - 2:41was really dependency.
-
2:41 - 2:44My mistake is that I didn't stay involved
-
2:44 - 2:47or understand what was going on
with our money. -
2:48 - 2:49You may have experienced this yourself,
-
2:49 - 2:53or you may have heard stories
of celebrities or professional athletes -
2:53 - 2:57that have relied on family, friends
and others to manage their money, -
2:57 - 3:00and they are left broke,
bankrupt and betrayed -
3:00 - 3:04because they made the choice
to hand over their financial power. -
3:05 - 3:09Someone that's dependent
without a choice feels trapped -
3:09 - 3:11because of their financial situation.
-
3:11 - 3:16They can be in a job or career
where they're unhappy or being harassed -
3:16 - 3:18but they can't afford to leave.
-
3:19 - 3:22Or, someone that's had to move in
with family and friends -
3:22 - 3:23because they've had an illness
-
3:23 - 3:26or gone through a divorce
or experienced a tragedy, -
3:26 - 3:29and now they're financially
dependent on others. -
3:29 - 3:33And how many of us know someone
that has an elderly parent or a relative -
3:33 - 3:36that can no longer
take care of themselves, -
3:36 - 3:38and they're left to rely on others,
-
3:38 - 3:43sometimes handing over their homes,
their money and other assets. -
3:44 - 3:48Another type of dependency
without a choice is financial abuse. -
3:48 - 3:51Financial abuse is a pattern
of abusive behavior -
3:51 - 3:55used to control and intimidate a partner.
-
3:56 - 4:01Victims are in a relationship,
and the other person has power over them, -
4:01 - 4:04because they don't have access
to money, information -
4:04 - 4:09or the resources and support
they need to leave. -
4:10 - 4:13The Allstate Foundation has a program
called the Purple Purse -
4:13 - 4:16that helps victims of domestic violence
-
4:16 - 4:19through financial empowerment.
-
4:20 - 4:22They report that 99 percent --
-
4:22 - 4:26in 99 out of one hundred
domestic violence cases -- -
4:26 - 4:31financial abuse helps keep victims
trapped in their relationship. -
4:32 - 4:36The Purple Purse has coined
financial abuse "the invisible weapon," -
4:36 - 4:39because visible abuse
leaves bruises and scars -
4:39 - 4:42but financial abuse doesn't.
-
4:42 - 4:47Financial abuse and financial dependency
leave emotional scars that you can't see. -
4:47 - 4:52They include hopelessness,
guilt, shame, depression, -
4:52 - 4:54lack of confidence and self-esteem.
-
4:55 - 4:59Financial dependency is also invisible,
because no one's talking about it. -
4:59 - 5:00Why?
-
5:00 - 5:03Because no one wants to show
their emotional scars, -
5:04 - 5:08and because we're taught in our homes,
on our jobs and in our community -
5:08 - 5:10not to talk about money.
-
5:11 - 5:14So many people that I talk to
about this issue, -
5:14 - 5:16they can relate and they have a story,
-
5:16 - 5:18but they're not telling
anyone their story. -
5:19 - 5:22When I was told at the kitchen
table, "Don't you tell," -
5:22 - 5:25I never told anyone.
-
5:26 - 5:31It's even hard for me right now to break
that rule that I learned so long ago. -
5:31 - 5:33So, what can I do? What can you do?
-
5:33 - 5:37What can we all do to disarm
this invisible weapon? -
5:37 - 5:39We can solve three problems.
-
5:39 - 5:41The first problem is lack of awareness,
-
5:41 - 5:44because knowing about money
and having money -
5:44 - 5:46aren't always the solution.
-
5:46 - 5:50In my situation, I was educated
and experienced in managing money, -
5:50 - 5:53but that didn't stop me
from becoming financially dependent. -
5:53 - 5:55Why?
-
5:55 - 5:58Because of the beliefs
and experiences I had growing up: -
5:58 - 6:00one person manages all the money.
-
6:01 - 6:06After my divorce, I had to rebuild
my life financially and emotionally. -
6:06 - 6:09So I took every self-development course
-
6:09 - 6:11and I read every
self-help book I could find. -
6:12 - 6:17And that's when I began to understand
the dynamics of the family I grew up in -
6:17 - 6:21and how they played a role in me
handing over my financial power. -
6:22 - 6:25When you become aware
of your inner bruises and scars, -
6:25 - 6:29you can begin to break free
from financial dependency. -
6:29 - 6:34The next problem is lack
of information about financial literacy. -
6:35 - 6:37Financial literacy is having
the skills and the knowledge -
6:37 - 6:40to make informed decisions
about your money. -
6:40 - 6:43It includes topics
like savings and investing, -
6:43 - 6:45budgeting and debt.
-
6:46 - 6:50In 2018, only 17 states
required financial literacy -
6:50 - 6:52in high school curriculums.
-
6:52 - 6:58This corresponds with recent studies
that show that 66 percent of Americans -
6:58 - 7:00are financially illiterate.
-
7:01 - 7:04If you are in a financial
dependency situation, -
7:04 - 7:10start by looking
and going through your finances, -
7:10 - 7:14making decisions, participate in
making decisions about your money. -
7:14 - 7:17If you are in a financial abuse situation,
-
7:17 - 7:20get access to your information.
-
7:20 - 7:24Look for financial documents
like bank credit card statements, -
7:24 - 7:27social security information
and account pass codes. -
7:27 - 7:32The last problem is lack of giving
and getting support. -
7:32 - 7:35Many people don't know
that there are free resources -
7:35 - 7:37online and in your local community
-
7:37 - 7:41to help you learn and establish
healthy money habits. -
7:41 - 7:46There are also free resources
if you are a victim of financial abuse, -
7:46 - 7:47like the Purple Purse.
-
7:48 - 7:52Giving support includes listening
to others that are financially dependent -
7:52 - 7:55without judgment or criticism.
-
7:55 - 7:58It also involves sharing your story,
-
7:58 - 8:01because when you share your story,
you empower others, -
8:01 - 8:03and you give them the permission
-
8:03 - 8:05to rewrite their own.
-
8:06 - 8:08It's my hope that by sharing my story,
-
8:08 - 8:10more people will learn
about financial dependency, -
8:10 - 8:12will share their own stories
-
8:12 - 8:16and will connect with others
to shed a light on this hidden issue -
8:16 - 8:19so that we can all have financial freedom.
-
8:20 - 8:23(Applause)
- Title:
- The true cost of financial dependence
- Speaker:
- Estelle Gibson
- Description:
-
Giving up control of your finances -- voluntarily or otherwise -- can leave you powerless and, in some cases, confined to a cycle of abuse. In this deeply personal talk, accountant Gibson shares her own story of recovering from financial dependence, providing helpful, actionable advice to empower others who desire the freedom that comes with being responsible for your own money.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 08:36
![]() |
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence | |
![]() |
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence | |
![]() |
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence | |
![]() |
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence | |
![]() |
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence | |
![]() |
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence | |
![]() |
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence | |
![]() |
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for The true cost of financial dependence |