What the "Bears" can teach Goldilocks | Frank Strona | TEDxProvincetown

“Bear Culture,” a supportive, global community of mostly large, mostly hairy gay men, has evolved and thrived through ideas of inclusion, diversity, self-acceptance and self-expression. Health advocate, diversity specialist and “daddy bear” Frank Strona explains what Bear Culture gets right as lessons for Goldilocks and the rest of mainstream society.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

I'm fat.

I know I am.

And the reason I know I am
is because I grew up hearing it.

But it's okay.

Okay, we all have it rough in school.

Some of us are thin when we grow up
and all of a sudden hit 40...

We're like: "Where did that
extra size come from?"

Some of us were big all of our lives,

and it's okay now.

The reason is: There's a world out there
and a culture that I fit into

called "bear."

And it's way more multidimensional
than people can see.

They thrive on diversity,
diversity of color, diversity of size.

And, I have to say, they thrive on humor.

And if you laugh at yourself first,
none of you can make us feel bad.

So, I'm what's called a "bear."

(Laughter)

But, more importantly,
I'm what's called a "daddy bear."

(Laughter)

Hence, the real gray.

This is not touched up.
This is the real thing.

I earned every one of these gray stripes.

And, in this culture,
this community, this movement,

we had to create this on our own.

Society never saw us.

And, when you did see us,
you saw us as straight.

We would be the ones who would
be working on an event.

We'd be working the door.
We'd be at the concession stands.

So, we actually wanted to participate,

but we knew we weren't going
to be on the go-go stands.

We weren't going to be on the posters.

We still knew this was the only
community we had to relate to.

The merging and the development
of this community

allowed all sorts of people
to find a new place.

We're doctors, the Armed Forces.

We teach, we write, we entertain.

We are all over now.

Matter of fact, we even create
our own families,

and some of them are royal.

We're there and we're here.
We enjoy this experience.

We even have our own unofficial language:

Words like "husbear," "bearfriend"...

And you know those cat calls
that rancor so many people?

We have our own, too.

We use the "Grrr!"

Or "Woof!"

We came and we were developed in an era

that just said you were
supposed to be thin,

you were supposed
to look like Ken, of the Ken doll:

Hairless, slim and young.

When this started, it was
in the late '70s or early '80s.

We started to think about,
"What are we going to do?"

You know, a lot of the bears are geeks,

and that's a stereotype,
but it's unfortunately true.

So, there used to be something called
the IRC - Internet Relay Chat -

and we used to talk.

Because back then
when we had phone sex lines,

that's how we would meet.

But at the same time we're trying
to develop a sense of identity,

AIDS was hitting,

and it was counterproductive for us.

But then, we all became faced with people
who were wasting away because of illness.

Ah, so now we have another conundrum.

Not only are we not sexy enough,

but now a whole new group of men
became less sexy

because their body types changed.

So, we said, "Well, your body type
changed? Come visit with us.

We're much more
open around body type."

We didn't get it always right.

We offended people,
we made people uncomfortable.

First Bear Pride in Boston that
I ever danced in, I had a flight suit,

and I can remember going
through Bear Pride and -

As someone mentioned earlier,
I have the wisdom;

that just means I'm over 50 -

(Laughter)

And I can remember
sliding off the flight suit

and I had a little
jock strap on and a harness,

and I think it was the first time anybody
had ever seen a man of my size -

and I'm maybe only 25 pounds
lighter now than I was then -

dancing on a flatbed truck
down the middle of Boston.

Nowadays, you hit Pride,
you're going to see somebody.

That wasn't what it was like back then.
So we didn't always get it right.

And let me tell you, there was
a lot of drama about that afterwards.

What we did get right was:

If you want to self-define
as a "bear", do it.

Come hang out with us,
we're okay with that.

It's not my job to tell you who you are.

If you think you're a bear,
that's good enough. Come do it.

Now, there are some generalities
to what a "bear" is. Alright?

We have three little ones
you might have noticed.

We all seem to be girthy.
We take up a little bit of space.

God knows these seats are not the kind
of space we want to sit in for long.

(Laughter)

We're hairy,

and I'm talking like
Sasquatch-hairy, like big hairy.

That's a commonality that we all share.

We also shifted something else.

So this concept that you can be sexy
after 40, after 50,

was definitely a generality that we push
and we continue to push,

right up through 70 and 80.

But we made room for other people.

Not everybody likes the same type
of person they look at.

So, we have a whole language
for young people, for bears.

We have "cubs." We have "otters."

That meant anybody could participate
and still be this new family of awareness.

Now they have a language.

We recreated how we loved, who we love.

We even recreated who could
be part of those families.

We have women who identify as bear,

and we're one of the first
of the organized communities to say,

"Yeah, you're transgender male?
Come on in, hang out with us.

You're lesbian? You like the body hair?

Come on in, hang out.
We're good with that."

We recreated what our
family domesticity could look like.

It might not look like yours,
but it looked normal for us.

I would love to have said
we got this right

and it was easy to find
this "bearness" quality in ourselves.

We struggled. I struggled.

I mean, I struggled every time
I went to the store to buy clothes,

and I would look at that number
and I would try and squeeze into that XL.

And, one day, I realized,
"It's just a number."

So, I would go buy a 3X,
take it to a tailor

and have them fit it
so it didn't look like a house.

Because the American public doesn't design
for nontraditional body types.

They take a pattern and they make it
bigger or they make it smaller.

If you looked at those patterns,

you would think every big guy
has arms this long

and legs like this.

So, people don't even see us as sexual,

let alone care about our
body shapes and how we dress.

So, we had our own issues.

You know, none of us came to it easy.

But we also were really clear

that the rainbow Pride Flag, for instance,
this rainbow coalition that we exist in,

wasn't enough.

We even recreated our own flag
that made room for other colors,

including brown and white and beige
and yellow and black.

Diversity was important.

We wanted to be able to have
different people meeting each other,

having opportunities.

Because there were so few of us,
you couldn't afford to be so selective.

And, in that objectification,
what we discovered was beauty,

we discovered differences,

we discovered the textures
of different people's skin.

Now, I know that's contradictory:

"You're hairy.
How can you feel your skin?"

If you're hairy, your skin
is even more sensitive.

So, we would then discover big men
who weren't as hairy.

We made provisions
that anybody was welcome.

What's the relevance of this for you?

Well, the real relevance and the take-home
is this will work for anybody.

You could say this
about race, gender, size.

They still have the same
take-home relevances.

There are three I want
to leave you with tonight.

Self-acceptance.

We all look in the mirror
now and then and go,

"Oof, not so happy."

It's normal.

But you have to know:

You can't change it in the moment,
you have to be okay with who you are,

because when you're okay with that,

that sparkle, that sense of identity,
that sense of power,

is what other people will see,

not that your pants are too big
or your pants are too tight.

Compassion.

You have to learn to forgive yourself
first for not having some arbitrary look

and move forward
and love yourself that way.

When you do that, other people see it.

The other piece that I think
I want to leave with you

is: Make your own path.

Don't worry about somebody else
telling you how to love, how to be,

because true love blossoms on its own.

You find what makes you happy,

and if it's not available,
you create it for you.

So,

I always say

it's not how long
it took to get to the party of life

but it's how you find room to make a place
in that party that matters most.

So,

look at me now.

What do you see?

Thank you.

(Applause)