Sheldon Shaping Penny in Big Bang Theory

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[Penny] Ok, so Kim the night manager
went on maternity leave,

and her husband's name is Sandy, right?

So, get this: Her replacement is
a woman named Sandy

whose husband's name is Kim.

[audience laughing]

[Leonard] Wow!
[Penny] I know! What are the odds?

[Sheldon] Easily calculable.

We begin by identifying a set
of married couples with unisex names.

We then eliminate those unqualified
for restaurant work:

the aged, the imprisoned, and the limbless,
for example. Next we'd look at—

[Leonard] Sheldon!
It's an amazing coincidence.

Can we leave it at that?

[Sheldon] I'm sorry.
[sarcastically] Ooh, Penny.

It's as if The Cheesecake Factory
is run by witches.

[audience laughing]

[Penny, flatly] Ooh, Sheldon.
It's as if you don't think I'll punch you.

[audience laughing]

[Leonard] Come on, you guys. Let it go.

[Penny] Fine, whatever. Are you finished?

[Sheldon] Well, thank you. How thoughtful.

Would you like a chocolate?

[Penny] Um, yeah, sure.

[audience laughing]

Thanks.

[Leonard] What was that?

[Sheldon] You said be nice to Penny.

I believe offering chocolate to someone
falls within the definition of nice.

[Leonard] It does;
but in my experience, you don't.

[audience laughing]

[Sheldon] There are more things
in heaven and earth, Horatio,

than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

[Leonard] Yeah, yeah, now that's you:
obnoxious and insufferable.

[Penny] Oh, sorry, Sheldon.
I almost sat in your spot.

[Sheldon] Did you? I didn't notice.
Have a chocolate.

[audience laughing]

[Penny] Thank you.

[audience laughing]

[Sheldon] You're here a lot now.

[audience laughing]

[Penny] Oh, am I talking too much?
I'm sorry. Zip.

[Sheldon] Thank you.

Chocolate?
[Penny] Yes, please.

[cell phone rings]
Oh, hey, Kim.

[Sheldon sighs]
[Penny] Yeah, I —

You know what, hold on.
Let me take this in the hall.

[Sheldon mouthing word]: Chocolate?

[Penny mouthing words]:
Thank you

You'll never guess who they got
to replace you at work...

[door squeaks open, then clicks shut]

[Leonard] Okay,
I know what you're doing.

[Sheldon] Really?
[Leonard] Yes!

You're using chocolates
as positive reinforcement

for what you consider correct behavior!

[audience laughing]

[Sheldon] Very good!

Chocolate?
[Leonard] No, I don't want any chocolate!

[audience laughing/applauding]

Sheldon, you can't train
my girlfriend like a lab rat.

[Sheldon] Actually, it turns out I can.

[Leonard] Well, you shouldn't.

[Sheldon] There's just no pleasing
you, is there, Leonard?

You weren't happy with
my previous approach to dealing with her,

so I decided to employ
operant conditioning techniques,

building on the works of
Thorndike and B.F. Skinner.

By this time next week, I believe I can
have her jumping out of a pool,

balancing a beach ball on her nose.

[Leonard] No, this has to stop now!

[Sheldon] I'm not suggesting we really
make her jump out of a pool.

I thought the "bazinga" was implied.

I'm just tweaking her personality,
sanding off the rough edges, if you will.

[Leonard] No, you're not sanding Penny!

[Sheldon] Are you saying
that I am forbidden

from applying a harmless,
scientifically valid protocol

that will make our lives better?

[Leonard] Yes. You're forbidden.

[Sheldon] Bad Leonard.

[audience laughing]

[Penny in hallway, laughing]
Oh, my God, she didn't!

[Leonard] What could she possibly
be talking about for so long?

[Sheldon] Obviously, waitressing
at The Cheesecake Factory

Is a complex socioeconomic activity

that requires a great deal
of analysis and planning.

Bazinga!

You know, using
positive reinforcement techniques,

I could train that behavior
out of her in a week.

[Leonard] No.

[Sheldon] If you let me use
negative reinforcement,

I can get it done before we go to bed.

[Leonard] You're not squirting her
in the face with water.

[Sheldon] No, of course not.
We're talking very mild electric shocks.

No tissue damage whatsoever.

[Leonard] Forget it!

[Sheldon] Oh, come on. You can't tell me

that you're not intrigued about
the possibility of building a better girlfriend.

[Leonard] I'm not!

And Penny's qualities, both good
and bad, are what make her who she is.

[Penny, laughing in the hallway]

[Sheldon] You mean like that
high-pitched, irritating laugh?

[Leonard hesitates] Yes.

[Sheldon] You wouldn't prefer
a throaty chuckle?

[Leonard] You're not changing
how Penny laughs.

[Sheldon] No, that would be incongruous.

I was going to lower the whole voice
to a more pleasing register.

[Penny] Oh, sorry guys.

That girl is [at high pitch] freaky!

[Sheldon] Come again?
[Penny, at a lower pitch] Freaky.

[Sheldon] Freaky?
[Penny, even lower] Yeah, freaky.

[Sheldon, at a low pitch]
Have a chocolate.

[Penny, at a low pitch] Thank you.

[Sheldon] Well, I'm going to make
some warm milk and then turn in.

I trust that if you two are planning
on engaging in amorous activities,

you'll keep the decibel level
to a minimum?

[Penny] Of course.

[Sheldon] Thank you.

[Penny] Mmm, these are so good!

[Leonard] Unbelievable.

[Penny] What?

[Leonard] I was just thinking,
we should probably turn in, too.

[Penny] Well, my new bed got delivered.

If you come over and put it together,
you can stay at my place.

[Leonard] Really? That's a lot of work,
and it's kind of late.

[Penny] Yeah, but if we stay there,
we won't have to be quiet.

[Leonard] Let's go!

[door clicks shut]
[Sheldon] Interesting...

Sex works even better than chocolate
to modify behavior.

I wonder if anyone else
has stumbled on to that.