-
[Penny] Ok, so Kim the night manager
went on maternity leave,
-
and her husband's name is Sandy, right?
-
So, get this: Her replacement is
a woman named Sandy
-
whose husband's name is Kim.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Leonard] Wow!
[Penny] I know! What are the odds?
-
[Sheldon] Easily calculable.
-
We begin by identifying a set
of married couples with unisex names.
-
We then eliminate those unqualified
for restaurant work:
-
the aged, the imprisoned, and the limbless,
for example. Next we'd look at—
-
[Leonard] Sheldon!
It's an amazing coincidence.
-
Can we leave it at that?
-
[Sheldon] I'm sorry.
[sarcastically] Ooh, Penny.
-
It's as if The Cheesecake Factory
is run by witches.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Penny, flatly] Ooh, Sheldon.
It's as if you don't think I'll punch you.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Leonard] Come on, you guys. Let it go.
-
[Penny] Fine, whatever. Are you finished?
-
[Sheldon] Well, thank you. How thoughtful.
-
Would you like a chocolate?
-
[Penny] Um, yeah, sure.
-
[audience laughing]
-
Thanks.
-
[Leonard] What was that?
-
[Sheldon] You said be nice to Penny.
-
I believe offering chocolate to someone
falls within the definition of nice.
-
[Leonard] It does;
but in my experience, you don't.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Sheldon] There are more things
in heaven and earth, Horatio,
-
than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-
[Leonard] Yeah, yeah, now that's you:
obnoxious and insufferable.
-
[Penny] Oh, sorry, Sheldon.
I almost sat in your spot.
-
[Sheldon] Did you? I didn't notice.
Have a chocolate.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Penny] Thank you.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Sheldon] You're here a lot now.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Penny] Oh, am I talking too much?
I'm sorry. Zip.
-
[Sheldon] Thank you.
-
Chocolate?
[Penny] Yes, please.
-
[cell phone rings]
Oh, hey, Kim.
-
[Sheldon sighs]
[Penny] Yeah, I —
-
You know what, hold on.
Let me take this in the hall.
-
[Sheldon mouthing word]: Chocolate?
-
[Penny mouthing words]:
Thank you
-
You'll never guess who they got
to replace you at work...
-
[door squeaks open, then clicks shut]
-
[Leonard] Okay,
I know what you're doing.
-
[Sheldon] Really?
[Leonard] Yes!
-
You're using chocolates
as positive reinforcement
-
for what you consider correct behavior!
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Sheldon] Very good!
-
Chocolate?
[Leonard] No, I don't want any chocolate!
-
[audience laughing/applauding]
-
Sheldon, you can't train
my girlfriend like a lab rat.
-
[Sheldon] Actually, it turns out I can.
-
[Leonard] Well, you shouldn't.
-
[Sheldon] There's just no pleasing
you, is there, Leonard?
-
You weren't happy with
my previous approach to dealing with her,
-
so I decided to employ
operant conditioning techniques,
-
building on the works of
Thorndike and B.F. Skinner.
-
By this time next week, I believe I can
have her jumping out of a pool,
-
balancing a beach ball on her nose.
-
[Leonard] No, this has to stop now!
-
[Sheldon] I'm not suggesting we really
make her jump out of a pool.
-
I thought the "bazinga" was implied.
-
I'm just tweaking her personality,
sanding off the rough edges, if you will.
-
[Leonard] No, you're not sanding Penny!
-
[Sheldon] Are you saying
that I am forbidden
-
from applying a harmless,
scientifically valid protocol
-
that will make our lives better?
-
[Leonard] Yes. You're forbidden.
-
[Sheldon] Bad Leonard.
-
[audience laughing]
-
[Penny in hallway, laughing]
Oh, my God, she didn't!
-
[Leonard] What could she possibly
be talking about for so long?
-
[Sheldon] Obviously, waitressing
at The Cheesecake Factory
-
Is a complex socioeconomic activity
-
that requires a great deal
of analysis and planning.
-
Bazinga!
-
You know, using
positive reinforcement techniques,
-
I could train that behavior
out of her in a week.
-
[Leonard] No.
-
[Sheldon] If you let me use
negative reinforcement,
-
I can get it done before we go to bed.
-
[Leonard] You're not squirting her
in the face with water.
-
[Sheldon] No, of course not.
We're talking very mild electric shocks.
-
No tissue damage whatsoever.
-
[Leonard] Forget it!
-
[Sheldon] Oh, come on. You can't tell me
-
that you're not intrigued about
the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
-
[Leonard] I'm not!
-
And Penny's qualities, both good
and bad, are what make her who she is.
-
[Penny, laughing in the hallway]
-
[Sheldon] You mean like that
high-pitched, irritating laugh?
-
[Leonard hesitates] Yes.
-
[Sheldon] You wouldn't prefer
a throaty chuckle?
-
[Leonard] You're not changing
how Penny laughs.
-
[Sheldon] No, that would be incongruous.
-
I was going to lower the whole voice
to a more pleasing register.
-
[Penny] Oh, sorry guys.
-
That girl is [at high pitch] freaky!
-
[Sheldon] Come again?
[Penny, at a lower pitch] Freaky.
-
[Sheldon] Freaky?
[Penny, even lower] Yeah, freaky.
-
[Sheldon, at a low pitch]
Have a chocolate.
-
[Penny, at a low pitch] Thank you.
-
[Sheldon] Well, I'm going to make
some warm milk and then turn in.
-
I trust that if you two are planning
on engaging in amorous activities,
-
you'll keep the decibel level
to a minimum?
-
[Penny] Of course.
-
[Sheldon] Thank you.
-
[Penny] Mmm, these are so good!
-
[Leonard] Unbelievable.
-
[Penny] What?
-
[Leonard] I was just thinking,
we should probably turn in, too.
-
[Penny] Well, my new bed got delivered.
-
If you come over and put it together,
you can stay at my place.
-
[Leonard] Really? That's a lot of work,
and it's kind of late.
-
[Penny] Yeah, but if we stay there,
we won't have to be quiet.
-
[Leonard] Let's go!
-
[door clicks shut]
[Sheldon] Interesting...
-
Sex works even better than chocolate
to modify behavior.
-
I wonder if anyone else
has stumbled on to that.