Michelle Wolf's Thoughts On Men | Night Of Too Many Stars | HBO

Performing stand-up for Night Of Too Many Stars, Michelle Wolf says too many men are in charge. Stream Night of Too Many Stars now on HBO.

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Jon Stewart returns to television for Night of Too Many Stars, a live show presented from The Theater at Madison Square Garden in New York. Benefiting NEXT for AUTISM, the special will feature stand-up performances, sketches and short films.

NEXT for AUTISM is a non-profit organization that strategically designs, launches and supports innovative programs to improve the lives of people living with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Night of Too Many Stars was created by comedy writer and performer Robert Smigel to support autism schools, programs and services.

Oh, guys!

What a time to be alive, huh?

Aren't we having fun...

I think no matter whether
you're a Republican

or a Democrat,

we gotta give Trump credit
when he deserves it.

Like, he pulled out
of the Paris Agreement

and I think he should get
credit for that,

'cause he said
he was gonna pull out

and then he did,

and that's a refreshing quality
in a man.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Most men are like,
"I forgot!

I'll get you next time."

Oh, my God, there's gonna be
a next time?

And people say romance is dead.

We do have
too many men in charge.

Too many men.

They don't get us.
They don't know.

-(WOMEN WHOOPING)
-Like, it's...

Yeah, seven of you. Great.

Like I, uh... We, uh...

You could see it with the trans
bathroom thing, you know,

like, most politicians are men,
so men are making the laws,

and they thought
that if transwomen

use women's bathrooms
that women would feel unsafe,

and I think that comes from
a fundamental misunderstanding

about what happens
in a woman's bathroom.

And to be fair,
we have made it very mysterious.

We always go in groups,

there's a huge line outside,

people go in,
but they never come out...

it's a whole
Willy Wonka situation.

When we do finally
get back from the bathroom,

we're all giggly
and you're like,

"What happened?"

And we're like, "We can't say...

but I have new hair now."

So we have, we've made bathrooms
very mysterious.

But in reality,
in a woman's bathroom,

at any point
if you see genitals,

something has gone
terribly wrong.

We are very private people.

No one's walking in the bathroom
being like,

"Labias out, ladies!

Let's get to comparing."

No, we go in the bathroom,
we go in the stall,

we lock the door,
we pee, poop, or cry,

and then we leave.

The only thing we're ever
really worried about is,

"Do they know
I'm the one that pooped?

I tried to cough a lot,

and only go when
the hand dryer was on."

Which is a crazy thing
for women to worry about

in a woman's bathroom.

Who are you
trying to impress in there?

If anything,
you should poop very loudly.

'Cause then if there's
an attacker in there,

he'll be like,
"Well not that one!

I'm evil, not crazy!"

That's good
self-defense in general.

You have to walk home
late at night,

fart the whole way.

Be your own rape whistle.

Like, "Not... (IMITATES FART)
to... (IMITATES FART) ...day."

That's a great strategy

if you just accidentally
fart in public.

Like, you thought
it was gonna be silent

and then your body betrayed you,

then next time just be like,
"Yeah! That was just a warning!

I'm a very dangerous person!

Now if you turn your attention
back to this PowerPoint..."

And I don't know why men
are so concerned

about our bathrooms.

I worry about your bathrooms.

You don't lock yourselves
in a stall,

you just stand up against a wall
and watch each other pee.

You have your pants undone
while you're looking at a wall.

You're just ripe for the raping.

And you designed both bathrooms!

You gave yourselves
the shittier bathroom.

Give yourselves enough stalls!
Sit while you pee!

Rest those legs!

You gotta be tired
from stomping on us all day.

(CROWD APPLUADS)

Seriously, I feel bad

that men don't get to sit
while they pee.

You have to walk in the bathroom
knowing what your intention is.

You have to walk in the bathroom
being like,

"I'm going to poop now."

Women, we get to be like,
"Hey, I'm pooping now!

This is a fun,
surprise afternoon poop!"

This has really
turned my day around."

Stop it. Stop using
"we're protecting women"

as your excuse
for getting stuff done,

it's bullshit
and it's insulting.

Like I was on a date,

a guy offered
to walk me to my door,

he's like, "I just wanna make
sure you get home safe."

No! That's not
why you're doing it,

that's your last-ditch effort
to touch a boob.

At that point of the night

the most dangerous thing
at my door is you.

And if a robber came by,

I don't think you're
gonna do anything about it,

'cause earlier that night
at dinner

I learned you have
a gluten allergy.

You can't protect me
from a biscuit!

Also, that's why you're
not comin' up!

There's nothing less sexy
than hearing a guy be like,

"Well, I can't eat bread."

'Cause I'm gonna need you
to be okay with yeast.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Thanks a lot, guys.
I'm Michelle Wolf.