I was held hostage for 317 days. Here's what I thought about…
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0:01 - 0:04I cannot forget them.
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0:04 - 0:08Their names were Aslan, Alik, Andrei,
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0:08 - 0:13Fernanda, Fred, Galina, Gunnhild,
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0:13 - 0:18Hans, Ingeborg, Matti, Natalya,
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0:18 - 0:23Nancy, Sheryl, Usman, Zarema,
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0:23 - 0:25and the list is longer.
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0:26 - 0:30For many, their existence,
their humanity, -
0:30 - 0:33has been reduced to statistics,
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0:33 - 0:38coldly recorded as "security incidents."
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0:38 - 0:39For me, they were colleagues
-
0:39 - 0:43belonging to that community
of humanitarian aid workers -
0:43 - 0:45that tried to bring a bit of comfort
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0:45 - 0:50to the victims of the wars
in Chechnya in the '90s. -
0:50 - 0:54They were nurses, logisticians,
shelter experts, -
0:54 - 0:57paralegals, interpreters.
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0:57 - 1:01And for this service, they were murdered,
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1:01 - 1:04their families torn apart,
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1:04 - 1:06and their story largely forgotten.
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1:07 - 1:10No one was ever sentenced
for these crimes. -
1:11 - 1:13I cannot forget them.
-
1:13 - 1:15They live in me somehow,
-
1:15 - 1:18their memories giving me
meaning every day. -
1:18 - 1:23But they are also haunting
the dark street of my mind. -
1:23 - 1:25As humanitarian aid workers,
-
1:25 - 1:28they made the choice
to be at the side of the victim, -
1:28 - 1:33to provide some assistance,
some comfort, some protection, -
1:33 - 1:36but when they needed
protection themselves, -
1:36 - 1:37it wasn't there.
-
1:38 - 1:41When you see the headlines
of your newspaper these days -
1:41 - 1:44with the war in Iraq or in Syria --
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1:44 - 1:48aid worker abducted, hostage executed --
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1:48 - 1:50but who were they?
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1:50 - 1:52Why were they there?
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1:52 - 1:54What motivated them?
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1:54 - 1:58How did we become
so indifferent to these crimes? -
1:58 - 2:01This is why I am here today with you.
-
2:01 - 2:03We need to find better ways
to remember them. -
2:05 - 2:11We also need to explain the key values
to which they dedicated their lives. -
2:11 - 2:15We also need to demand justice.
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2:16 - 2:18When in '96 I was sent
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2:18 - 2:22by the United Nations High Commissioner
for Refugees to the North Caucasus, -
2:22 - 2:24I knew some of the risks.
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2:24 - 2:26Five colleagues had been killed,
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2:26 - 2:28three had been seriously injured,
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2:28 - 2:30seven had already been taken hostage.
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2:30 - 2:32So we were careful.
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2:32 - 2:36We were using armored
vehicles, decoy cars, -
2:36 - 2:39changing patterns of travel,
changing homes, -
2:39 - 2:42all sorts of security measures.
-
2:43 - 2:49Yet on a cold winter night
of January '98, it was my turn. -
2:49 - 2:53When I entered my flat
in Vladikavkaz with a guard, -
2:53 - 2:55we were surrounded by armed men.
-
2:57 - 2:59They took the guard,
they put him on the floor, -
2:59 - 3:02they beat him up in front of me,
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3:02 - 3:04tied him, dragged him away.
-
3:06 - 3:10I was handcuffed, blindfolded,
and forced to kneel, -
3:10 - 3:14as the silencer of a gun
pressed against my neck. -
3:14 - 3:16When it happens to you,
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3:16 - 3:19there is no time for thinking,
no time for praying. -
3:20 - 3:23My brain went on automatic,
-
3:23 - 3:27rewinding quickly
the life I'd just left behind. -
3:27 - 3:30It took me long minutes to figure out
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3:30 - 3:33that those masked men there
were not there to kill me, -
3:33 - 3:37but that someone, somewhere,
had ordered my kidnapping. -
3:39 - 3:43Then a process of dehumanization
started that day. -
3:43 - 3:47I was no more than just a commodity.
-
3:49 - 3:51I normally don't talk about this,
-
3:51 - 3:56but I'd like to share a bit with you
some of those 317 days of captivity. -
3:57 - 4:00I was kept in an underground cellar,
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4:00 - 4:02total darkness,
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4:02 - 4:05for 23 hours and 45 minutes every day,
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4:05 - 4:09and then the guards
would come, normally two. -
4:09 - 4:11They would bring a big piece of bread,
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4:11 - 4:14a bowl of soup, and a candle.
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4:15 - 4:19That candle would burn for 15 minutes,
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4:19 - 4:2315 minutes of precious light,
-
4:23 - 4:27and then they would take it away,
and I returned to darkness. -
4:29 - 4:33I was chained by a metal cable to my bed.
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4:33 - 4:36I could do only four small steps.
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4:37 - 4:41I always dreamt of the fifth one.
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4:41 - 4:45And no TV, no radio,
no newspaper, no one to talk to. -
4:45 - 4:49I had no towel, no soap, no toilet paper,
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4:49 - 4:55just two metal buckets open,
one for water, for one waste. -
4:58 - 5:03Can you imagine that mock execution
can be a pastime for guards -
5:03 - 5:08when they are sadistic
or when they are just bored or drunk? -
5:10 - 5:13We are breaking my nerves very slowly.
-
5:13 - 5:18Isolation and darkness
are particularly difficult to describe. -
5:18 - 5:20How do you describe nothing?
-
5:20 - 5:23There are no words for the depths
of loneliness I reached -
5:23 - 5:28in that very thin border
between sanity and madness. -
5:30 - 5:35In the darkness, sometimes
I played imaginary games of checkers. -
5:35 - 5:38I would start with the black,
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5:38 - 5:39play with the white,
-
5:39 - 5:42back to the black
trying to trick the other side. -
5:43 - 5:47I don't play checkers anymore.
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5:47 - 5:53I was tormented by the thoughts of my
family and my colleague, the guard, Edik. -
5:53 - 5:56I didn't know what had happened to him.
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5:56 - 5:58I was trying not to think,
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5:58 - 6:00I tried to fill up my time
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6:00 - 6:04by doing all sorts of physical
exercise on the spot. -
6:04 - 6:08I tried to pray, I tried all sorts
of memorization games. -
6:09 - 6:13But darkness also creates images
and thoughts that are not normal. -
6:13 - 6:20One part of your brain wants you
to resist, to shout, to cry, -
6:20 - 6:23and the other part of the brain
orders you to shut up -
6:23 - 6:26and just go through it.
-
6:26 - 6:30It's a constant internal debate;
there is no one to arbitrate. -
6:31 - 6:36Once a guard came to me,
very aggressively, and he told me, -
6:36 - 6:40"Today you're going to kneel
and beg for your food." -
6:40 - 6:44I wasn't in a good mood,
so I insulted him. -
6:44 - 6:47I insulted his mother,
I insulted his ancestors. -
6:47 - 6:51The consequence was moderate:
he threw the food into my waste. -
6:51 - 6:55The day after he came back
with the same demand. -
6:55 - 6:57He got the same answer,
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6:57 - 7:02which had the same consequence.
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7:02 - 7:05Four days later,
the body was full of pain. -
7:05 - 7:10I didn't know hunger hurt so much
when you have so little. -
7:10 - 7:13So when the guards came down,
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7:16 - 7:19I knelt.
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7:19 - 7:22I begged for my food.
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7:22 - 7:28Submission was the only way for me
to make it to another candle. -
7:29 - 7:31After my kidnapping,
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7:31 - 7:34I was transferred
from North Ossetia to Chechnya, -
7:34 - 7:39three days of slow travel
in the trunks of different cars, -
7:39 - 7:41and upon arrival, I was interrogated
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7:41 - 7:45for 11 days by a guy called Ruslan.
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7:45 - 7:46The routine was always the same:
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7:46 - 7:49a bit more light, 45 minutes.
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7:49 - 7:51He would come down to the cellar,
-
7:51 - 7:53he would ask the guards
to tie me on the chair, -
7:53 - 7:56and he would turn on the music loud.
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7:56 - 8:00And then he would yell questions.
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8:00 - 8:02He would scream. He would beat me.
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8:02 - 8:04I'll spare you the details.
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8:04 - 8:07There are many questions
I could not understand, -
8:07 - 8:11and there are some questions
I did not want to understand. -
8:12 - 8:16The length of the interrogation
was the duration of the tape: -
8:16 - 8:2015 songs, 45 minutes.
-
8:20 - 8:22I would always long for the last song.
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8:23 - 8:26On one day, one night in that cellar,
I don't know what it was, -
8:26 - 8:29I heard a child crying above my head,
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8:29 - 8:32a boy, maybe two or three years old.
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8:32 - 8:36Footsteps, confusion, people running.
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8:37 - 8:40So when Ruslan came the day after,
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8:40 - 8:42before he put the first question to me,
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8:42 - 8:46I asked him, "How is your son today?
Is he feeling better?" -
8:46 - 8:49Ruslan was taken by surprise.
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8:49 - 8:52He was furious that the guards
may have leaked some details -
8:52 - 8:54about his private life.
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8:54 - 8:59I kept talking about NGOs
supplying medicines to local clinics -
8:59 - 9:02that may help his son to get better.
-
9:02 - 9:06And we talked about education,
we talked about families. -
9:06 - 9:08He talked to me about his children.
-
9:08 - 9:10I talked to him about my daughters.
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9:10 - 9:13And then he'd talk about guns,
about cars, about women, -
9:13 - 9:18and I had to talk about guns,
about cars, about women. -
9:18 - 9:21And we talked until
the last song on the tape. -
9:21 - 9:27Ruslan was the most brutal man I ever met.
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9:27 - 9:30He did not touch me anymore.
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9:30 - 9:33He did not ask any other questions.
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9:33 - 9:37I was no longer just a commodity.
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9:37 - 9:42Two days after, I was transferred
to another place. -
9:42 - 9:47There, a guard came to me,
very close -- it was quite unusual -- -
9:47 - 9:50and he said with
a very soft voice, he said, -
9:50 - 9:53"I'd like to thank you
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9:53 - 9:57for the assistance your organization
provided my family -
9:57 - 10:01when we were displaced
in nearby Dagestan." -
10:02 - 10:06What could I possibly reply?
-
10:06 - 10:11It was so painful.
It was like a blade in the belly. -
10:11 - 10:14It took me weeks of internal thinking
to try to reconcile -
10:14 - 10:17the good reasons we had
to assist that family -
10:17 - 10:20and the soldier of fortune he became.
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10:20 - 10:22He was young, he was shy.
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10:22 - 10:25I never saw his face.
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10:25 - 10:27He probably meant well.
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10:27 - 10:30But in those 15 seconds,
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10:30 - 10:33he made me question everything we did,
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10:33 - 10:36all the sacrifices.
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10:36 - 10:39He made me think also how they see us.
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10:39 - 10:42Until then, I had assumed
that they know why we are there -
10:42 - 10:45and what we are doing.
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10:45 - 10:48One cannot assume this.
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10:48 - 10:52Well, explaining why we do this
is not that easy, -
10:52 - 10:54even to our closest relatives.
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10:55 - 10:58We are not perfect, we are not superior,
-
10:58 - 11:01we are not the world's fire brigade,
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11:01 - 11:03we are not superheroes,
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11:03 - 11:05we don't stop wars,
-
11:05 - 11:10we know that humanitarian response is not
a substitute for political solution. -
11:10 - 11:15Yet we do this because one life matters.
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11:15 - 11:17Sometimes that's the only
difference you make -- -
11:17 - 11:20one individual, one family,
a small group of individuals -- -
11:20 - 11:22and it matters.
-
11:22 - 11:25When you have a tsunami,
an earthquake or a typhoon, -
11:25 - 11:29you see teams of rescuers
coming from all over the world, -
11:29 - 11:32searching for survivors for weeks.
-
11:32 - 11:35Why? Nobody questions this.
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11:35 - 11:37Every life matters,
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11:37 - 11:41or every life should matter.
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11:41 - 11:44This is the same for us
when we help refugees, -
11:44 - 11:49people displaced within their country
by conflict, or stateless persons, -
11:50 - 11:51I know many people,
-
11:51 - 11:54when they are confronted
by overwhelming suffering, -
11:54 - 11:58they feel powerless and they stop there.
-
11:58 - 12:02It's a pity, because there are
so many ways people can help. -
12:02 - 12:04We don't stop with that feeling.
-
12:04 - 12:07We try to do whatever we can
to provide some assistance, -
12:07 - 12:09some protection, some comfort.
-
12:09 - 12:11We have to.
-
12:11 - 12:13We can't do otherwise.
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12:13 - 12:18It's what makes us feel,
I don't know, simply human. -
12:18 - 12:22That's a picture of me
the day of my release. -
12:22 - 12:27Months after my release,
I met the then-French prime minister. -
12:27 - 12:29The second thing he told me:
-
12:29 - 12:32"You were totally irresponsible
to go to the North Caucasus. -
12:32 - 12:36You don't know how many
problems you've created for us." -
12:38 - 12:40It was a short meeting.
-
12:40 - 12:42(Laughter)
-
12:43 - 12:47I think helping people
in danger is responsible. -
12:47 - 12:52In that war, that nobody
seriously wanted to stop, -
12:52 - 12:54and we have many of these today,
-
12:54 - 12:59bringing some assistance to people in need
and a bit of protection -
12:59 - 13:01was not just an act of humanity,
-
13:01 - 13:03it was making a real difference
for the people. -
13:03 - 13:07Why could he not understand this?
-
13:07 - 13:09We have a responsibility to try.
-
13:09 - 13:12You've heard about that concept:
Responsibility to Protect. -
13:12 - 13:17Outcomes may depend
on various parameters. -
13:17 - 13:20We may even fail,
but there is worse than failing -- -
13:20 - 13:23it's not even trying when we can.
-
13:24 - 13:28Well, if you are met this way,
if you sign up for this sort of job, -
13:28 - 13:33your life is going to be full
of joy and sadness, -
13:33 - 13:36because there are a lot of people
we cannot help, -
13:36 - 13:40a lot of people we cannot protect,
a lot of people we did not save. -
13:40 - 13:42I call them my ghost,
-
13:42 - 13:45and by having witnessed
their suffering from close, -
13:45 - 13:49you take a bit
of that suffering on yourself. -
13:49 - 13:52Many young humanitarian workers
-
13:52 - 13:55go through their first experience
with a lot of bitterness. -
13:55 - 13:58They are thrown into situations
where they are witness, -
13:58 - 14:01but they are powerless
to bring any change. -
14:01 - 14:04They have to learn to accept it
-
14:04 - 14:07and gradually turn this
into positive energy. -
14:07 - 14:08It's difficult.
-
14:08 - 14:11Many don't succeed,
-
14:11 - 14:15but for those who do,
there is no other job like this. -
14:15 - 14:19You can see the difference
you make every day. -
14:20 - 14:23Humanitarian aid workers
know the risk they are taking -
14:23 - 14:28in conflict areas or
in post-conflict environments, -
14:28 - 14:34yet our life, our job, is becoming
increasingly life-threatening, -
14:34 - 14:38and the sanctity of our life is fading.
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14:39 - 14:42Do you know that since the millennium,
-
14:42 - 14:46the number of attacks on humanitarian
aid workers has tripled? -
14:47 - 14:502013 broke new records:
-
14:51 - 14:54155 colleagues killed,
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14:54 - 14:58171 seriously wounded,
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14:58 - 15:01134 abducted.
-
15:01 - 15:05So many broken lives.
-
15:05 - 15:10Until the beginning of the civil war
in Somalia in the late '80s, -
15:10 - 15:14humanitarian aid workers
were sometimes victims -
15:14 - 15:16of what we call collateral damages,
-
15:16 - 15:20but by and large we were not
the target of these attacks. -
15:20 - 15:22This has changed.
-
15:22 - 15:23Look at this picture.
-
15:23 - 15:26Baghdad, August 2003:
-
15:26 - 15:2924 colleagues were killed.
-
15:29 - 15:32Gone are the days when
a U.N. blue flag or a Red Cross -
15:32 - 15:36would automatically protect us.
-
15:36 - 15:39Criminal groups and some political groups
-
15:39 - 15:42have cross-fertilized
over the last 20 years, -
15:42 - 15:45and they've created these sort of hybrids
-
15:45 - 15:48with whom we have no way of communicating.
-
15:48 - 15:53Humanitarian principles are tested,
questioned, and often ignored, -
15:53 - 15:58but perhaps more importantly,
we have abandoned the search for justice. -
15:58 - 16:02There seems to be
no consequence whatsoever -
16:02 - 16:05for attacks against
humanitarian aid workers. -
16:05 - 16:09After my release, I was told
not to seek any form of justice. -
16:09 - 16:13It won't do you any good,
that's what I was told. -
16:13 - 16:17Plus, you're going to put in danger
the life of other colleagues. -
16:18 - 16:21It took me years to see the sentencing
-
16:21 - 16:25of three people associated
with my kidnapping, -
16:25 - 16:28but this was the exception.
-
16:28 - 16:32There was no justice for any
of the humanitarian aid workers -
16:32 - 16:37killed or abducted in Chechnya
between '95 and '99, -
16:37 - 16:39and it's the same all over the world.
-
16:40 - 16:43This is unacceptable.
-
16:43 - 16:44This is inexcusable.
-
16:44 - 16:49Attacks on humanitarian aid workers
are war crimes in international law. -
16:49 - 16:52Those crimes should not go unpunished.
-
16:52 - 16:55We must end this cycle of impunity.
-
16:55 - 16:59We must consider that those attacks
against humanitarian aid workers -
16:59 - 17:02are attacks against humanity itself.
-
17:02 - 17:06That makes me furious.
-
17:06 - 17:11I know I'm very lucky
compared to the refugees I work for. -
17:12 - 17:16I don't know what it is to have seen
my whole town destroyed. -
17:16 - 17:20I don't know what it is to have seen
my relatives shot in front of me. -
17:20 - 17:24I don't know what it is to lose
the protection of my country. -
17:24 - 17:29I also know that I'm very lucky
compared to other hostages. -
17:29 - 17:34Four days before my eventful release,
four hostages were beheaded -
17:34 - 17:39a few miles away from where
I was kept in captivity. -
17:39 - 17:41Why them?
-
17:41 - 17:44Why am I here today?
-
17:45 - 17:48No easy answer.
-
17:48 - 17:52I was received with a lot of support
that I got from my relatives, -
17:52 - 17:56from colleagues, from friends,
from people I didn't know. -
17:56 - 17:59They have helped me over the years
to come out of the darkness. -
18:00 - 18:04Not everyone was treated
with the same attention. -
18:04 - 18:08How many of my colleagues,
after a traumatic incident, -
18:08 - 18:11took their own life?
-
18:11 - 18:15I can count nine that I knew personally.
-
18:15 - 18:19How many of my colleagues
went through a difficult divorce -
18:19 - 18:21after a traumatic experience
-
18:21 - 18:26because they could not explain
anything anymore to their spouse? -
18:26 - 18:29I've lost that count.
-
18:29 - 18:32There is a price for this type of life.
-
18:32 - 18:37In Russia, all war monuments have
this beautiful inscription at the top. -
18:37 - 18:41It says, (In Russian)
-
18:41 - 18:44"No one is forgotten,
nothing is forgotten." -
18:45 - 18:49I do not forget my lost colleagues.
-
18:49 - 18:51I cannot forget anything.
-
18:51 - 18:54I call on you to remember their dedication
-
18:54 - 18:58and demand that humanitarian
aid workers around the world -
18:58 - 19:00be better protected.
-
19:00 - 19:06We should not let that light of hope
they have brought to be switched off. -
19:06 - 19:10After my ordeal, a lot of colleagues
asked me, "But why do you continue? -
19:10 - 19:13Why do you do this sort of job?
-
19:13 - 19:15Why do you have to go back to it?"
-
19:15 - 19:18My answer was very simple:
-
19:18 - 19:21If I had quit,
-
19:21 - 19:25that would have meant
my kidnapper had won. -
19:25 - 19:27They would have taken my soul
-
19:27 - 19:29and my humanity.
-
19:29 - 19:32Thank you.
-
19:32 - 19:34(Applause)
- Title:
- I was held hostage for 317 days. Here's what I thought about…
- Speaker:
- Vincent Cochetel
- Description:
-
Vincent Cochetel was held hostage for 317 days in 1998, while working for the UN High Commissioner on Refugees in Chechnya. For the first time, he recounts the experience — from what it was like to live in a dark, underground chamber, chained to his bed, to the unexpected conversations he had with his captors. With lyricism and power, he explains why he continues his work today. Since 2000, attacks on humanitarian aid workers have tripled — and he wonders what that rise may signal to the world.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 19:47
Krystian Aparta commented on English subtitles for I was held hostage for 317 days. Here's what I thought about… | ||
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Morton Bast edited English subtitles for I was held hostage for 317 days. Here's what I thought about… | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for I was held hostage for 317 days. Here's what I thought about… | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for I was held hostage for 317 days. Here's what I thought about… | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for I was held hostage for 317 days. Here's what I thought about… |
Krystian Aparta
At 05:10, "We are breaking my nails very slowly" was changed to "We are breaking my nerves very slowly."