Who has more POWER in a RELATIONSHIP: three easy ways to make the determination

I'm Dr Orion Taraban,
and this is PsycHacks,

better living through psychology. And the

topic of today's short talk is who has

more power in a relationship

power can be a touchy subject for folks

many people would prefer it didn't exist

at all which is just another way of

wishing that power imbalances didn't

exist in relationships however power is

a fact of life and that's not

necessarily a bad thing as without power

nothing would ever get done

now it would be far too simplistic to

argue that men have more power in

relationships or that women have more

power in relationships because the fact

of the matter is that it can go either

way and that's because it really depends

on the specific individuals involved

however I have three easy rules of thumb

that you can use to determine who has

more power in any given relationship

let's get right to it

first a working definition of power very

simply power is the ability to get other

people to act in the service of your

goals

think about it the most powerful people

in the world do nothing for themselves

they have Cooks to cook for them

bodyguards to protect them agents to

represent them employees to work for

them they have the ability to make other

people move

that's power

so here's my first rule of thumb if you

want to know who has the most power in a

relationship or family system all you

have to do is observe who moves the

least

for instance in many families the infant

is the most powerful person in the

system you can't reason with it you

can't argue with it you can barely even

communicate with it it just lies there

and cries so everyone else has to move

to accommodate it it is pure emotion and

emotion is a form of power

in fact being so emotional that you can

neither be consoled or reasoned with is

a strategy that many adults today have

failed to outgrow but we shouldn't

necessarily be surprised by that since

no one surrenders power unless they

absolutely have to in any case the

person who does less is usually more

powerful than the person who does more

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now here's another way to consider the

question

just like two people cannot like each

other exactly the same amount

which asymmetry gives rise to the

balance of Attraction two people cannot

be committed to a relationship exactly

the same amount this is a hard fact of

life and a bitter pill to swallow we see

this everywhere but we would prefer not

to see it for instance you may not be

your best friends best friend

and your employer may not need you as

much as you need your employer

if you want to know who has more power

in a relationship you simply need to

consider who is less committed

than the other

I wish this weren't the case but it's

true

an easy way to tell who is less

committed than the other in any

relationship is to observe who issues

ultimatums to whom

a few weeks ago I met up with Logan Yuri

author of how not to die alone she's a

lovely person and I had a fantastic

conversation with her at one point in

the discussion we were talking about

marriage and she said to me behind every

proposal is an ultimatum

and we both laughed because I think we

could both acknowledge the truth in that

statement

now the point of an ultimatum is to

apply emotional pressure on the other

person to motivate behavior in

compliance with your agenda

so it's powerful in the sense of my

working definition of power getting

other people to act in the service of

your goals and it does this by forcing

the other person to move rule of thumb

one while simultaneously expressing low

commitment for the relationship rule of

thumb two

ultimatums require favorable power

imbalances this is why you never see

ultimatums among equals like could you

imagine if your buddy gave you an

ultimatum like hey man either we're

gonna hang out three nights a week and

drink beers or we are done because you

are wasting my time like a real friend

would step up and know how to treat a

friend like how well would that go over

you'd probably think who the hell does

this person think he is

and you would never see ultimatums from

the less powerful party like imagine an

unarmed man demanding a group of

soldiers lay down their weapons or else

the soldiers would just laugh at him

ultimatums only work from the top down

and this leads me to my third rule of

thumb

in any given relationship if you want to

know who has more power just consider

who has more options than the other

if your employer has 10 other people

lined up for your job who might be

easier to work with then he's probably

not going to be very responsive to your

concerns or demands by the same token if

you are being actively recruited by a

dozen different companies you're

probably not going to do anything you

don't want at your current employment

optionality is power now the way

optionality is cultivated in the game of

romantic relationships differs between

men and women due to the fact that men

and women are selecting for different

things however in both cases the key

component is visibility

the way that women typically maintain

optionality is by being visibly

attractive no matter what she says the

real reason she's not giving up her

Instagram account with a hundred

thousand followers

is this it's a daily and visible

reminder to all involved that thousands

of men find her attractive

she may never step out of the

relationship but surrendering that

account would significantly diminish

your optionality which is a form of

power and power as previously noted is

never surrendered unless absolutely

necessary

on the other hand the way men typically

maintain optionality is by being visibly

competent

this is part of the reason why women

find men in uniforms of all kind to be

so attractive the uniforms signify their

owner's particular skill and competence

to the world it's also why performing

artists like actors and musicians

generally have no trouble finding

willing Partners the cheering and

Applause they receive while they are up

on stage is more than enough social

proof of their competence and

desirability

so if a man is neither a performer nor a

uniformed professional it behooves him

to find some other stage whereupon he

can be visibly competent to improve his

optionality

so there you have it who has more power

in a relationship the answer is it

depends however you can potentially

answer that question in your own case by

observing who moves the least

who is less committed and who has more

options

on the balance of things these will

indicate who is more powerful in any

given relationship

what do you think let me know in the

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