Yes Minister The Whisky Priests

YES MINISTER: THE WHISKY PRIEST (extract)

with respect minister, we have to do nothing /
what
do you mean? /
the sale of arms abroad

is one of those areas of government that we do not examine too closely

well I have to now that I know about it /
you could
say that you don't know /
are you suggesting I should lie?

oh not you, minister, no. /
well who should
lie? /
sleeping dogs, minister

I'm going to raise this /
no, minister, I beg you, a basic
rule of government is never look into anything you don't have to

never set up an enquiry unless you know
in advance what it's findings will be

I can't believe this we're talking about good and evil

Church of England problem! / No Humphrey! Our
problem. We are discussing right and wrong.

You may be, minister but I'm not. It would
be a serious mis-use of government time.

Selling arms to terrorists is wrong, can't you
see that Humphrey? / No, minister.

Either you sell arms or you don't. If you sell them, they will
inevitably end up with people who have the cash to buy them.

But not terrorists! / Well, I suppose we could put some
sort of government health warning on the rifle butts

"This gun can seriously damage your health."

It's all very well to take this lightly, Humphrey. But we cannot close
our eyes to something that is as morally wrong as this!

Very well, minister, if you insist on making me discuss moral issues. May I point out to
you that something is either morally wrong or it isn't, it can't be slightly morally wrong.

No, don't quibble with me. / Government isn't about morality.

Really? What is it about? / Stability! Keeping things going. Preventing anarchy.
Stopping society from falling to bits. Still being here tomorrow!

What for? / I beg your pardon? / What is the
ultimate purpose of government, if it isn't for doing good?

Minister government isn't about good and evil it's only about order, or chaos.

And it's in order for Italian terrorists to get British bombs....and
you don't care! / It's not my job to care.

That's what politicians are for. It's my job to carry out government policy.

Even if you think it's wrong? / Well, almost
all government policy is wrong...frightfully well carried out!

Humphrey, have you ever known a civil servant to resign on a matter
of principle? / I should think not, what an appalling suggestion!

For the first time I fully understand that you
are committed to means, not to ends.

Well as far as I'm concerned, minister, and all of my
colleagues, there is no difference between means and ends.

If you believe that, you will go to hell!

Minister, I had no idea you had a theological bent!

You are a moral vacuum, Humphrey!

If you say so, minister. / It's time for your lunch appointment, minister

You're keeping very quiet, Bernard. What would you do about
all this? / I would keep very quiet, minister!

So minister, may we drop this matter of the arms sales? / No, we may not. I'm
going to tell the Prime Minister. Personally. Make an appointment for me would you Bernard?

It's just the sort of thing that the Prime Minister wants to know. / I assure you, minister, this is just the
sort of thing that the Prime Minister desperately wants not to know about. / We shall see about that.

Indeed we will...what's the matter, Bernard?

Oh, nothing really Sir Humphrey. / You look unhappy!

Well I was just wondering if the minister was
right, actually. / Very unlikely, what about?

About ends and means. I mean, will I end
up as a moral vacuum too?

Oh I hope so, Bernard. If you work hard enough.

Makes me feel rather downcast. If it's our job to
carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them?

What an extraordinary idea!

Why? / Bernard, I have served 11 governments in the past
30 years. If I'd believed in all their policies

I'd have been passionately committed to keeping out of the
common market, and passionately committed to going into it.

I would have been utterly convinced of the rightness of
nationalizing steel..and of de-nationalizing it, and re-nationalizing it

on capital punishment I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an
ardent abolitionist, I'd have been a Keynesian and a Friedmannite

a grammar school preserver and destroyer, a nationalization freak and a privatization maniac
but above all I would have been a stark staring raving schizophrenic!

So what do we believe in? / at this moment,
Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister informing the Prime Minister

But why? / Because once the Prime Minister knows, there'll
have to be an enquiry. Like Watergate.

The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation
after another and finally the downfall of a president.

The golden rule is: don't lift lids off cans
of worms! / No, Sir Humphrey.

Everything is connected to everything else. Who said that? / The cabinet secretary?

Nearly right. Actually, it was Lenin.

So how do you stop a cabinet minister talking to a Prime Minister?
/ Well now, this is a very interesting question. You tell me.

I don't know. / Well work it out, Bernard, you're supposed to be a high
flyer! Or are you merely a low flyer supported by occasional gusts of wind?

Well, er..you can't stop the minster seeing the PM,
can you? / I can't, no.

Nor can the private office at number 10 / correct / so
it has to be someone pretty high up in government

getting warmer / someone close to the PM, someone who can frighten the minister...the
Chief Whip? / Oh, excellent Bernard, you've learnt a lot!

So, how do you crack the whip? / I'm sorry?
/ How do you mobilize the Chief Whip?

Well, the minister's asked me to phone the PM's private office for an appointment, so if you
had a word with the cabinet secretary and he had a word with the diary secretary

..and they all had a word with the whip's office...then when the minister arrived, the Chief Whip could meet him
and say the PM's rather busy and had asked him to have a word with the minister instead

Excellent, Bernard. You should have taken a degree in engineering! What are you doing?
/ I thought you wanted a word with the cabinet secretary, Sir Humphrey.

I do, indeed, now do you, Bernard, as the minister's private
secretary, feel obliged to tell the minister of this conversation?

What conversation?

Well done, Bernard, you'll be a moral vacuum yet.