Quiet Borderline! What is it? Mental Health Help with Kati Morton

Hey, everyone!

Today I'm gonna talk with you

about Quiet Borderline.

What is it? Does it even really exist?

^(quirky instrumental music)

So like I said,

today we're gonna talk about

Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.

Now, I have other videos

on Borderline Personality Disorder

as a whole, the diagnostic criteria,

DBT techniques, all sorts of great stuff.

So you can click over here

and the cards will come down

and you can kind of pick videos.

And I would encourage you,

if you have not watched

my Borderline Personality Disorder video,

please watch it first. Please!

'Cause it will explain what

Borderline Personality Disorder is

criteria-wise because now I'm gonna build

on that video and talk about

how some of us

may experience this differently.

Okay? So a regular Borderline person,

and I'm saying "regular"

because a majority of people

experience Borderline and the way

that we diagnose it in a very

outward-expressing way.

They can be really volatile

in relationships.

They can be really aggressive

and get really angry.

They can attempt suicide multiple times.

They are constantly fighting

with this worry and stress about potential

or any perceived abandonment.

It can be a really scary place to live.

Struggling with Borderline

can be really hard and people really worry

that people are gonna leave them,

and they feel really alone,

and they feel empty,

and many of them lash out, like I said.

However, many of us don't.

And some people wonder

do those people really have

Borderline Personality Disorder

or a "Quiet" Borderline?

And the answer is that, of course!

Everyone experiences things differently

and when you read through the DSM,

when you're talking about

different criteria

within any diagnosis

they always say some people

may present differently.

However, this is, you know,

the majority of people with this

express it this way.

So like I said, many people

will express it differently.

And a Quiet Borderline, I want to read you

from obviously my handy-dandy DSM

a little bit about how it can be

felt differently.

And this passage says,

it's talking about how people can change

from being, like in the needy

kind of clingy role in a relationship

to the avenger, like they're angry

that that person, you know, has hurt them

or hasn't been there for them.

And it says: "Although they usually have

"a self-image that is based on being bad

"or evil, individuals with this disorder

"may at times have feelings

"that they do not exist at all.

"Such experiences usually occur

"in situations in which the individual

"feels a lack of meaningful relationship,

"nurturing and support".

Now, I want to bring out that passage

because to me that screams

that Quiet Borderline feeling,

like they don't really exist,

that people aren't nurturing them

the way that they need.

They need more support.

None of those things

are an outward-expressing thing.

These are things that we feel internally.

They can be really uncomfortable

and really hurtful.

And there's another thing

that they talk about how

you can have impulsivity

in at least two areas of your life,

many of which aren't necessarily things

people would know.

This could be binge eating.

This could be abusing substances.

These aren't always things

that people are gonna know we're doing.

These are things we can do on our own

and have our own

kind of self-deprecating situation,

things that we're doing to potentially

sabotage our life,

and these are all internal.

That's why I keep making this gesture

'cause these are things

that we do on our own

and not necessarily things that we express

to other people or lash out.

Am I right? Following?

And a lot of this involves self-harm.

They talk about people who self-mutilate.

That's how they describe it in the DSM

and that's something we all know

that we do in secret.

So there again, we're not lashing out.

Nobody knows it's happening.

This is like our internal kind of hatred,

and sadness and loneliness

that we're feeling.

And they also say

that we may have intense dysphoria

and a lot of us can feel really down a lot

and really depressed

and we can be isolatory.

We can stay at home.

I have many clients in my practice

off and on who I feel fit a

"Quiet Borderline" criteria.

Now, there is no different diagnosis.

I would still have to diagnose them

as Borderline Personality Disorder,

but everyone experiences it differently.

Another thing is that we-

oftentimes they say

that people with Borderline

when they express a lot of anger,

they get really aggressive.

And for Quiet Borderlines

this could not even be perceived

by the other person as that aggressive,

but to us it feels aggressive.

And immediately following that

we have a lot of shame,

and guilt and anger-in.

Now, we've talked about,

I think in the past

about how anxiety and depression

can be kind of anger-in things

and other things

are like the anger-out.

So Quiet Borderline can be more anger-in

whereas maybe

the more traditional Borderline

would be anger-out.

Does that make sense?

I think the most important thing

to remember of all of this,

as I talk about how this can be

expressed differently person to person,

is that no matter what diagnosis

I'm talking about

you may experience it differently

than the DSM says you're supposed to.

Because as we know,

diagnostic criteria

has to be black and white

and we know life is very gray.

We all live in the gray,

but I think the best thing

that we can do for ourselves

to be an advocate for ourselves

is that when we talk to our therapist,

our psychologist, our psychiatrist,

whoever we're seeing to get support,

that we ask them questions

about our diagnosis.

You can even say:

"I don't feel like I lash out

"like you're talking about

"or what I've read about this diagnosis"

or "I feel like I experience that

"a little differently".

It's important to have those conversations

because this is your life.

It's your diagnosis and the more-

not the more, the sooner

we can take control of it

and the sooner we can understand it

and feel like

we're getting the support we need

and we know what we need to do

to improve ourselves,

the better!

So feel free to ask questions

of your clinicians.

It's important that we're all

on the same page

and that you understand

what you're going through

and feel that they understand it as well.

Now, the thing that I wanted

to leave you with

because I know Borderline people

in general

and a lot of you have spoken up to me

and said like: "It gets a bad rep

"and people tell me I'll never get better

"and they don't know how to treat me

"and I'm passed around

"from different therapist to therapist.

"They say it's just a life-long thing".

I want to read you this

and I want you to listen.

It says: "Follow-up studies of individuals

"identified through out-patient

"mental health clinics",

which would just be like you seeing me

or anything else,

"indicate that after about 10 years

"as many as half of the individuals

"no longer have a pattern of behavior

"that meets full criteria

"for Borderline Personality Disorder".

So if anybody tells you

you can't get better,

Borderline is forever and it's shitty

and it's bad and you can feel like

no one's taking you seriously

and you cannot recover,

you can!

It's a bunch of bullshit!

People don't fully understand

Borderline Personality Disorder.

And I think they often fear it.

They don't seek to understand,

but we know statistically speaking,

the DSM states that it can get better,

that half of the people

that they just followed

who were getting some kind of treatment,

didn't have it anymore!

So no!

If you're feeling stressed,

you're feeling maxed out

and you feel like

you've been working at it forever,

there is hope!

If you keep working on it,

if you're doing your DBT skills,

you're working with your therapist,

it will get better!

You can overcome it.

This is not a life-long struggle.

Trust me!

And we will keep working together

taking one step at a time

towards a Healthy Mind and a Healthy Body.

[BPD Video preview] That's me. Ugh!

But remember

we have to have 5 of these.

And you may feel like

a lot of these pertain to you.

"Oh, I can really connect with that".

That's why you may have heard

you have Borderline tendencies

or Borderline-like symptoms. Right?