Frasier-(Season 1 Episode 16) Lilith Comes Back Part 1

[ music ]

>> Hank: So, Dr. Crane,
I just don't know what

to do about my weight.

I've tried diet after diet, from
the milkshakes three times a day

to that scary bald-headed
lady on TV.

Nothing seems to work.

>> Frasier: Hank, listen to me.

You've got to look
inside yourself.

There is a part of you
that isn't being fed.

>> Hank: Well, it
certainly isn't my butt.

[laughter]

>> Frasier: Yes, well, I'm
talking about your inner self.

What isn't being fed there?

Love, career, simple
self-esteem?

There are deeper
issues at work here.

>> Hank: So, so what do I do?

>> Frasier: Well, I'd
suggest extended therapy.

Please stay on the line,

and my producer Roz will refer
you to the help you need.

Roz, who's our next call?

>> Roz: We have someone
on line one who disagrees

with your advice to Hank.

>> Frasier: Ah, really?

Hello, you're on the line.

>> Lilith: Congratulations,
Frasier, you've done it again.

[laughter] You've led another
unsuspecting innocent down one

of your dark, dead-end
Freudian hallways.

[laughter]

>> Frasier: Lilith?

>> Lilith: Overeating is very
simply a behavioral problem

caused by negative
reinforcement.

It can be cured quite readily
by behavior modification.

>> Frasier: I see.

Well, Seattle, we have a
celebrity of sorts on the line.

This is my ex-wife, Lilith.

>> Lilith: What do
you mean by celebrity?

>> Frasier: Oh, they know you.

[laughter] Roz, what exactly
does call screening mean?

>> Roz: It means I get to put

on the air the calls
I want to hear.

[laughter]

>> Frasier: Well,
Lilith, what brings you

to Seattle the constant rain?

>> Lilith: I'm here for a
convention, and I happened

to hear your voice on the radio.

I kept hoping you'd introduce
Pearl Jam's latest hit,

but much to my chagrin,
you were doling

out worthless little
advice pellets

from your psychiatric
Pez dispenser.

[laughter]

>> Frasier: Well, I guess
you'll be rushing off

to your little convention now,
and I suppose we'll just have

to catch up on your next trip.

>> Lilith: Actually,
I'm not doing anything

for dinner tonight.

>> Frasier: Really?

Well, then you'll want to
keep your dial tuned to 780

for Gil Chesterton's
"Restaurant Beat."

>> Roz: Why don't you ask
her out to dinner, Dr. Crane?

[laughter]

>> Frasier: What
a wonderful idea!

And let me tell you
why, Seattle.

You see, even though our
marriage was unsuccessful,

Lilith and I are quite
capable of conducting ourselves

as adults, and even enjoying
spending some time together,

from time to time.

So, Lilith, seven at my place?

>>Lilith: Sounds great.

[laughter]

>> Martin: In my day, when two
people broke up you were mad,

you were angry, you
hated each other!

Whatever happened to
the sanctity of divorce?

>> Frasier: Dad, you
never liked Lilith.

>> Martin: She's weird.

>> Frasier: She is not weird.

>> Martin: Oh, she's weird.

>> Frasier: Well, maybe
she's a little strange.

>> Martin: No, Maris
is a little strange.

Lilith is weird.

>> Niles: Gee whiz, Dad,

I had no idea you preferred
my wife to Frasier's.

>> Daphne: Oh, my head!

>> Frasier: Can I get
you an aspirin, Daphne?

>> Daphne: Oh, no, no, I'm
afraid those are useless.

This is one of my
psychic headaches.

There's some kind of
negative force out there.

I only get these when there's a
clawing at the cosmic continuum.

>> Niles: Perhaps if
someone rubbed your temples

>>Frasier: Niles!

I'm sure she wants privacy while
she contacts the mother ship.

[laughter]

>>Niles: Frasier, I must tell
you, I'm here for support,

but I will not speak to Lilith.

>>Frasier: Oh, Niles, this
ongoing feud between you

and Lilith is ridiculous!

Let it go, it was years ago.

>> Martin: I can't even
remember what the fight was

about in the first place.

>> Niles: Well, let
me refresh you!

[laughter] At our wedding, while
Maris was reciting her vows,

which she wrote herself,
vows of love from the heart,

I distinctly heard snickering.

[laughter] I glanced behind
me and there was Lilith,

her fingers pressed
hard against her lips,

her body shaking
like a paint mixer.

[laughter and doorbell]

>> Frasier: All right,
now, now, there she is.

All right, now,now listen,

it's just one evening
out of your life.

Will you at least
try to be civil?

>> Niles: All right,
but I refuse to be warm.

[ laughter and pause
in speaking ]

>> Frasier: Hello, Lilith.

>> Lilith: Frasier.

>> Frasier: Please come in.

>> Frasier: Here, let me
take these things for you.

There we are.

Oh, look who's here.

>> Lilith: Hello, Martin.

Hello, Niles.

Niles & Martin: Hello.

[laughter]

>> Lilith: Where's Maris?

>> Miles: She's visiting
her sister in Chicago.

>> Lilith: Oh.

I thought perhaps
she was sailing

up the transplendent
river of your love.

[laughter]Frasier, I like what
you've done with your apartment.

>> Frasier: Thank you.

>> Lilith: You have
beautiful things.

>> Frasier: The settlement
is final, Lilith.

[laughter]

>> Lilith: Go away.

[laughter]

>> Frasier: Why does he
listen to you, and not to me?

>> Lilith: By the
tone of my voice,

he senses I mean business.

>> Frasier: Oh, I see.

You're saying your voice is
more commanding than mine is?

>> Martin: Hell, I took a half
a step before I realized she was

talking to the dog.

[laughter and applause]

>> Daphne: Oh, oh my lord I've
never had a throbbing like this!

>> Frasier: Daphne, um, this is
my ex-wife, Dr. Lilith Sternin.

Lilith, this is Daphne Moon,
my dad's physical therapist.

>> Lilith: It's nice
to meet you.

>> Daphne: An equal pleasure.

When I shook hands
with that woman,

I lost all feeling
in my arm![laugher]

>> Niles: Frasier,
I'm going to pop

into your bedroom
and use the phone.

Maris was developing
some sniffles,

I just want to make sure she's
taking in enough liquids.

>> Lilith: Isn't it enough
that she's eternally sipping

from the font of your perpetual
adoration?[laughter] Martin,

I'm especially delighted
to see you here tonight.

>> Martin: Oh yeah?

>> Lilith: Oh yes.

Knowing as I do the history of
your relationship with Frasier,

when I heard that he'd taken
you in, I immediately flipped

to the weather channel to see
if hell had indeed frozen over.

>> Martin: Frasier, how'd you
let ever this little peach

get away?[laughter]

>> Frasier: Well, I think
dinner's just about ready.

Why don't we move to the table.

>> Frasier: So, Lilith,
how is Frederick?

Lilith: Well, as you
know, I've enrolled him

in that chess camp
in the Berkshires.

It's really quite stimulating.

For eight hours a day, he
sits in a large auditorium,

with 300 other children,

mastering the Alhausen-Grauve
Opening.

>> Martin: Well, he's
in the mountains.

Shouldn't he be out
there in the fresh air?

>> Lilith: Every day after
lunch they go for a nature walk.

Unfortunately, Frederick
is allergic

to seven different
varieties of ivy,

so he has to wear long
sleeves, and long pants...

a bonnet with a net on it.

[laughter] Frasier: Boy,

I sure hope the other
campers don't make fun of him.

Martin: Oh, I'm sure they don't.

You know how kind kids can be.

[laughter] Hell, all he needs
is a birthmark on his forehead,

and they'd beat him to
death with a shovel!

So, I chased this guy down a
dark alley, and when he got

to the end he turned and
pulled a knife on me.

So I gave him a couple of
good shots with my nightstick.

>> Lilith: Fascinating.

I have to ask, were
you at all aware

of any repressed sexual urges
while you were pummeling him

so mercilessly?

>> Martin: Yeah, but I
didn't put 'em in the report.

>> Lilith: You're having some
fun at my expense, aren't you?

>> Martin: Not much.

[laughter] In fact,
I'm going to bed.

Goodnight.

>> Frasier: Goodnight, Dad.

>> Daphne: Oh, well, if you
don't need me any longer,

I think I'll be shuffling
off as well.

>> Frasier: Well, goodnight.

Daphne: It was a
pleasure meeting you.

By the way, how many days will
you be staying in Seattle?

>> Lilith: Just through
the weekend.

>> Daphne: Well,
enjoy your stay.

I'll be dead by Saturday
night, I know it!

>> Niles: Well, I guess I'll
say my goodbyes as well.

Goodnight, Frasier.

>> Frasier: Oh, this
is ridiculous!

Lilith, listen, Niles is
upset because you snickered

at Maris's wedding vows.

>> Lilith: I simply responded

with the genuine spontaneous
emotion I was feeling

at the moment.

But, if Niles is not mature
enough to accept that,

if he is so pitifully
insecure, if he is in such need

of validation, then I
guess for some sense

of familial harmony,
I do apologize.

>> Niles: Oh, Lilith, thank you!

[laughter] Oh, this bad blood

between us has gone
on far too long!

Next time you're in town,
we'll have dinner, just you

and me![door slams and applause]

>> Frasier: He doesn't
get that kind

of validation at home, you see.

>> Lilith: Well, it's
just the two of us.

>> Frasier: Yes.

It's the first time
we've been alone together

since the lawyers put us
in that room and said,

"Don't come out until
there's some resolution."