"Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada
-
0:11 - 0:12That's a long walk.
-
0:12 - 0:14I feel like we have to practice with that.
-
0:16 - 0:19So, first off, what an honor,
what a privilege to be on this stage, -
0:19 - 0:22getting to have
this conversation with you all. -
0:22 - 0:25The truth is that I've spent the past
three years in college locker rooms, -
0:25 - 0:30having conversations with young men
about the importance of respecting women. -
0:30 - 0:34I was recently invited
to a major university, -
0:34 - 0:36and as I was being "debriefed"
on the way in, -
0:36 - 0:39they were telling me what was going on
specific to their locker room. -
0:40 - 0:44I was informed that there was
one player who had punched his baby mama; -
0:44 - 0:46that there were four other players
-
0:46 - 0:50that were facing rape allegations
with four separate women; -
0:50 - 0:53that there were another two players
-
0:53 - 0:56who had filmed and watched
one of the rapes of an unconscious girl; -
0:56 - 0:58and knowing all of this,
-
0:58 - 1:01one of the head coaches
came in the day after the election, -
1:01 - 1:03and he started the chant,
-
1:03 - 1:06"We can grab women by the pussy
because this is America." -
1:08 - 1:10Well, that is not the America that I know,
-
1:10 - 1:14and the truth is that sexual assault
is but a symptom of the problem. -
1:15 - 1:19The problem is the mindset
of how these young men -
1:19 - 1:25are being programmed to think about,
to talk about, and to treat women. -
1:25 - 1:26Before I dive into the whole talk,
-
1:26 - 1:29I feel like I have to preface
a few disclaimers. -
1:29 - 1:30Number one: I'm going to mess up.
-
1:30 - 1:33I just accepted
that that's going to happen. -
1:33 - 1:35I'm probably going
to blank out at some point, -
1:35 - 1:36so please be gentle with me.
-
1:37 - 1:39On top of it, there are brilliant people
-
1:39 - 1:42who have dedicated their entire lives
to this conversation, -
1:42 - 1:46and institutions who have paved the way,
so I am but offering my humble two cents. -
1:47 - 1:51Number two: ProtectHer
is but a starting place for us. -
1:51 - 1:53We recognize that men
are also sexually assaulted, -
1:53 - 1:55One in 16.
-
1:55 - 1:58We know that the LGBT community
is also assaulted, -
1:58 - 2:03and while those communities
absolutely deserve our attention, -
2:03 - 2:07for the sake of this conversation,
I am going to be speaking about "her," -
2:07 - 2:10because violence against women
is a house on fire, -
2:10 - 2:13and I will be speaking
in heterosexual stereotypes. -
2:14 - 2:19Number three: ProtectHer
is not implying that women are weak -
2:19 - 2:21and that we can't protect ourselves,
-
2:21 - 2:23so we need men
to come and help protect us. -
2:23 - 2:28ProtectHer is an invitation
for all of humanity -
2:28 - 2:31to better prioritize the women and girls.
-
2:32 - 2:35Now, what's interesting
is that some schools call me -
2:35 - 2:38because, you know, at the end of the day,
-
2:38 - 2:41they care about what's going on
in their locker rooms. -
2:41 - 2:47But before I ever started in locker rooms,
I worked in girl empowerment for a decade. -
2:47 - 2:48When I was 19 years old,
-
2:48 - 2:50I founded a nonprofit called
I AM THAT GIRL. -
2:50 - 2:53We're basically a bad-ass version
of scout girls for college girls. -
2:53 - 2:55(Laughter)
-
2:55 - 2:58We have about
a million girls involved now, -
2:58 - 3:01and we just opened up
a chapter in our 20th country. -
3:02 - 3:04So the truth is - thank you, man !
-
3:04 - 3:05I dig that!
-
3:06 - 3:08(Applause)
-
3:08 - 3:12So, the truth is that I have
a name, and a face, and a story -
3:12 - 3:16for every time someone talks
about girls in statistic form. -
3:16 - 3:21And it wasn't until three years ago
that Yogi Roth and Trent Dilfer called me, -
3:21 - 3:24and they asked me to come and give a talk
to the top 18 high school quarterbacks -
3:24 - 3:27for a TV show called "Elite Eleven."
-
3:27 - 3:31What I didn't realize was that
when it aired on ESPN, a week later, -
3:31 - 3:33everything with Ray Rice would come out.
-
3:34 - 3:36And suddenly, I was that girl
in the locker room, -
3:36 - 3:38having tough love conversations
-
3:39 - 3:42with men about the importance
of respecting women. -
3:42 - 3:44It probably helped that I worked
at FOX Sports and ESPN, -
3:44 - 3:47and that I grew up in Texas
where football is a religion, -
3:47 - 3:50that I grew up with four older brothers.
-
3:50 - 3:52My father's the very best man that I know,
-
3:52 - 3:56my husband was a professional
athlete for nine years. -
3:56 - 3:59What's interesting is
all of a sudden being hired -
3:59 - 4:01by division one schools
all over the country, -
4:01 - 4:04that I was invited
behind the velvet curtain -
4:04 - 4:07to better understand
what was going on with them. -
4:07 - 4:09Like I said, some schools were hiring me
-
4:09 - 4:12because they had an incident
going on in their locker rooms, -
4:12 - 4:15and other schools
were just legitimately concerned, -
4:15 - 4:17and I had one head coach call me,
-
4:17 - 4:20and he said he was worried
because he had a daughter, -
4:20 - 4:23and the way in which these young men
were talking about women, -
4:23 - 4:25that was so disrespectful.
-
4:25 - 4:27Sure enough, I fly out
and I am sitting there, -
4:27 - 4:29and halfway through my talk -
-
4:29 - 4:32we're sitting in a circle in the locker,
you can imagine, the only girl - -
4:32 - 4:34and halfway through my talk,
-
4:34 - 4:36one of the guys
raises his hand and he says: -
4:36 - 4:40"You know, I get it,
it's important to 'respect' chicks, -
4:40 - 4:42but it's cool to fuck chicks."
-
4:43 - 4:46You can imagine, the coach is like,
"You gotta be kidding me." -
4:46 - 4:47(Laughter)
-
4:47 - 4:49He is sitting there, shaking his head,
-
4:49 - 4:51looking down at the ground.
-
4:52 - 4:55And so, I look up at this kid,
and I said, "Okay, says who?" -
4:56 - 4:57There is this long pause,
-
4:57 - 5:00and immediately he is looking
at his boys left and right -
5:00 - 5:01who are equaly mortified,
-
5:01 - 5:04staring down at the ground like,
"You gotta be kidding me. -
5:04 - 5:06We're for sure running sprints now."
-
5:06 - 5:09(Laughter)
-
5:09 - 5:12And so, after a minute
of awkard silence goes by, -
5:12 - 5:16I look up and I say, "Here is the thing,
I am not necessarily disagreeing, -
5:16 - 5:18I'm just saying you made
a really opiniated statement, -
5:18 - 5:22you said, "It's cool to fuck girls,"
I'm just saying, "Says who?" -
5:25 - 5:28And finally, he looks up at me
and he says, "I dont know." -
5:29 - 5:32And I said, "Yeah, that's the problem:
-
5:32 - 5:35you're on autopilot and you've been
programmed to think that way; -
5:35 - 5:37you were handed a script;
-
5:37 - 5:40someone gave you a definition
of cool that's not even yours, -
5:40 - 5:43and you have the audacity to pawn it off
as though you're being original." -
5:44 - 5:46Mother, father, preacher, teacher,
-
5:46 - 5:48I'm not here to tell you
how to live your life, -
5:48 - 5:51I am simply inviting you
-
5:52 - 5:55to be brave enough
to author your own life, -
5:56 - 5:59to come up with your own definitions,
-
6:00 - 6:02and to think for yourself.
-
6:03 - 6:06He came up to me after the talk,
and he gave me a really awkward hug, -
6:06 - 6:08and he said, "Thank you,"
-
6:08 - 6:10and I looked at him,
and I said, "For what?" -
6:10 - 6:16And he said, "No one has ever
asked me to think for myself. -
6:16 - 6:18I want to thank you for the invitation."
-
6:19 - 6:23Now, I have a thousand
stories of adventures, -
6:23 - 6:24being the only girl in the locker room.
-
6:24 - 6:27I have stories that would
make you laugh, and make you cry, -
6:27 - 6:31and they would make you cringe,
and they would break your heart. -
6:31 - 6:34But more than anything else,
they would leave you hopeful. -
6:36 - 6:38You see, I was put on the planet
to empower women. -
6:38 - 6:42I was made known of that
at a really young age, -
6:42 - 6:46but it wasn't until I stood in a room
full of alpha dudes that I realized -
6:46 - 6:50that I'd been missing the point,
only preaching to half the sky. -
6:51 - 6:55That violence against women
is not a women's issue, -
6:55 - 6:57although we are incredibly
capable creatures. -
6:58 - 7:04Violence against women is a human issue,
and it requires all of us participating. -
7:04 - 7:07And the truth is, the majority
of these young men -
7:07 - 7:11feel that they have never been invited
to sit at our table. -
7:12 - 7:17And because I'm not Santa,
and I can't fly to every single school - -
7:17 - 7:19although Lord knows I have tried,
-
7:19 - 7:25I have spent 220 days a year
on the road for the past three years. -
7:26 - 7:29So, we created the first ever
ProtectHer program, -
7:29 - 7:32that can be integrated
into college locker rooms, -
7:32 - 7:35to invite young men to broaden
their definition of manhood. -
7:36 - 7:40Because we believe that in order
to protect the dorm rooms, -
7:40 - 7:44that we have to activate the hearts
and the minds of the locker rooms. -
7:46 - 7:49A few things that I have learned
being in the trenches with these guys -
7:49 - 7:52is first and foremost, we have
to make them aware of their programming. -
7:52 - 7:56We have to get the most distracted
generation in history -
7:56 - 8:02to pause long enough to be introspective,
to ask the hard questions: "Says who?" -
8:03 - 8:07We know that they consume
ten hours of media a day. -
8:09 - 8:12Media that glorifies
violence against women, -
8:12 - 8:17that's inherently disrespectful,
that's hyper sexualizing and objectifying. -
8:17 - 8:22We know that they consume
3,000 brand images every day, -
8:22 - 8:25spoon-feeding them a definition of manhood
-
8:25 - 8:29that's been hijacked
by a cheap clone wearing Kendall, -
8:29 - 8:33lacking a moral constitution,
self-respect, and authentic confidence. -
8:34 - 8:36We know that the majority
of these young men -
8:36 - 8:38learn about sex through porn.
-
8:39 - 8:41So, maybe we can stop being so shocked
-
8:42 - 8:44because they're doing exactly
what we, as a society, -
8:44 - 8:48are programming them to do,
and they're doing it very well. -
8:49 - 8:52So maybe, as a society,
we can better educate them -
8:53 - 8:55on sex and healthy relationships.
-
8:55 - 8:59We need to have
a conversation about identity. -
8:59 - 9:01We have to broaden
their definition of manhood -
9:01 - 9:05because the consensus
in the locker room, right now, -
9:05 - 9:08is very easy and pretty achievable.
-
9:08 - 9:11It's be as rich as you can,
be as famous as you can, -
9:11 - 9:13and bang as many girls as you can.
-
9:15 - 9:18Now, it's interesting,
because my husband had a brilliant idea, -
9:18 - 9:21he said, "What we have to do" -
-
9:21 - 9:24and my husband is here,
he is a 6'9" poster boy of feminism - -
9:24 - 9:27(Laughter)
-
9:27 - 9:29(Applause)
-
9:32 - 9:35And his brilliant suggestion was,
"We have to get these young men -
9:35 - 9:38to stop viewing women
just as sexual objects, -
9:38 - 9:41but to remind them
that women are human beings, too." -
9:41 - 9:45He said, "So honestly, if I were you,
I would just pull pictures -
9:45 - 9:48of their girlfriends, and sisters,
and moms from social media. -
9:48 - 9:50I'd put it in your presentation."
-
9:50 - 9:52That's my husband voice, by the way.
-
9:52 - 9:54(Laughter)
-
9:54 - 9:55It was this brilliant idea.
-
9:55 - 9:58So, for the first talk
that I ever gave for Elite Eleven, -
9:58 - 10:01I pulled pictures
of all the women that they love, -
10:01 - 10:03and I put up a slide, and it says,
-
10:03 - 10:06"One in four girls will be
sexually assaulted on a college campus." -
10:06 - 10:08And of course,
their eyes glazed over, like, -
10:08 - 10:11"Here we go, we're going
to have this conversation." -
10:11 - 10:14Then I click the next slide, and I said,
"But it's different when it's her." -
10:15 - 10:17And I memorized ten to fifteen names,
-
10:17 - 10:19I said, "It's different when it's Sarah,
-
10:19 - 10:21and when it's Lauren,
and when it's Jenny." -
10:21 - 10:25And now these guys are looking
at their 16-year-old sister. -
10:27 - 10:29Half the guys in the room started crying.
-
10:30 - 10:32We have to reframe this issue
-
10:32 - 10:36to make this extremely personal to them.
-
10:36 - 10:39Number three, we have to have
a conversation about respect. -
10:39 - 10:41You can't give something
that you don't have. -
10:41 - 10:46We have to imbue these young men
with more self-respect, -
10:46 - 10:50so that they're able to treat
others with more dignity. -
10:51 - 10:53What dawned on me was
-
10:53 - 10:56that we are not teaching enough
emotional education in school right now, -
10:56 - 10:59we are certainly not teaching
these young men -
10:59 - 11:01how to create an authentic confidence,
-
11:01 - 11:04so they are sourcing it
from exactly where they know how. -
11:04 - 11:09Through performance, through popularity,
and through possessions. -
11:10 - 11:13We have to broaden
a definition of confidence -
11:13 - 11:17that is not contingent
on social media highlight reels -
11:17 - 11:18and external validation.
-
11:20 - 11:25Number four: We have to have
real talk with these guys. -
11:25 - 11:26I have yet to come into a locker room
-
11:26 - 11:29where they use words
like "consent" and "bystander." -
11:29 - 11:33Those are words that we use,
in our shiny star studded PSAs. -
11:33 - 11:37I have yet to hear of a guy come in,
and raise his hand, and be like, -
11:37 - 11:42"There's this really great opportunity
for us, bystanders, to intervene." -
11:42 - 11:43(Laughter)
-
11:43 - 11:44I have never heard of a guy be like,
-
11:44 - 11:48"We were in the middle of hooking up,
I'm not gonna lie, I paused, I was like, -
11:48 - 11:52'I just wanna make sure that I officially
have your consent moving forward.'" -
11:52 - 11:54(Laughter)
-
11:54 - 11:59That's not me poking fun
at the intention behind these words. -
11:59 - 12:03That's just we have to give them
real language and real tools -
12:03 - 12:06for the moments that we
are asking them to be brave. -
12:07 - 12:10We have to work with them,
and be in conversation with them, -
12:10 - 12:14to offer them language
when they see something sketchy, -
12:14 - 12:16being able to say, "Yo, we don't do that."
-
12:17 - 12:21That in the middle of hooking up,
to give them language like, -
12:21 - 12:24"Yo, I just wanna make sure
that you're cool with us having sex." -
12:25 - 12:28Because as long as we're talking
to them like academic robots, -
12:28 - 12:31I think we're setting them up to fail.
-
12:32 - 12:34And as far as a few calls to action,
-
12:35 - 12:37anyone in media,
-
12:37 - 12:40please stop crucifying
coaches and universities -
12:40 - 12:42when this stuff happens
in their locker room; -
12:42 - 12:45we're at pandemic levels,
this is happening everywhere. -
12:46 - 12:51Instead, just celebrate the universities
who are doing it right, -
12:51 - 12:53so that we can
inspire others to follow suit. -
12:54 - 12:56For coaches and educators,
-
12:56 - 13:00please invest in programs like these,
that are preventative medicine, -
13:00 - 13:03we cannot continue
to triage these symptoms, -
13:03 - 13:05putting band-aids on bullet wounds.
-
13:06 - 13:12For parents out there,
you hold all the power in your wallets. -
13:13 - 13:15Demand that, in order for you
to pay tuition, -
13:15 - 13:21these schools have to invest in the safety
of both your daughters and your sons. -
13:22 - 13:23For students out there,
-
13:23 - 13:27ask your administration to invest
in these kinds of programs. -
13:27 - 13:29And for student athletes out there,
-
13:29 - 13:31say that you are not going to sign
with any university -
13:31 - 13:34that isn't making prevention a priority.
-
13:35 - 13:37For policy makers out there,
-
13:37 - 13:40if you have to have
a driver's licence to drive a car, -
13:40 - 13:44why would you not have to take a mandatory
sexual assault prevention program, -
13:44 - 13:47in order to attend a college
or play sports? -
13:48 - 13:52For the National League team owners,
-
13:52 - 13:57would you be so audacious
as to sign a ProtectHer pledge -
13:57 - 14:00that says that you
won't draft any students -
14:00 - 14:03who have sexual assault convictions.
-
14:03 - 14:05To be a professional athlete
is a privilege, -
14:05 - 14:08it's a real-life superhero
in this country, -
14:10 - 14:13and you literally have the ability
to change the entire game -
14:13 - 14:15with those kinds of standards.
-
14:16 - 14:17Lastly,
-
14:18 - 14:21ProtectHer is a battle cry,
-
14:22 - 14:25it's a belief system,
-
14:25 - 14:30it is a cultural identity that is rooted
in the inherent respect for women. -
14:30 - 14:33Right now, as we sit in this auditorium,
-
14:33 - 14:37we have women and bad-ass men
all over the country, -
14:37 - 14:42marching, standing at their capital,
saying that this is the shift - -
14:42 - 14:46(Applause) (Cheers)
-
14:49 - 14:52saying that this is the shift
that our country wants to make, -
14:52 - 14:55and it's easy for us to sit
in an auditorium, -
14:55 - 14:58and it's easy for us to hear
these different talks -
14:58 - 15:00and to be inspired by them,
but the truth is, -
15:00 - 15:02this kind of audacious shift in culture
-
15:02 - 15:07is going to demand that the warrior,
that the gladiator, -
15:07 - 15:11that the protector in you and in me
rises to the occasion -
15:11 - 15:15to create a new definition of normal,
-
15:15 - 15:22where girls, and women, and all people
are treated with dignity and respect. -
15:23 - 15:25Because the truth is
-
15:26 - 15:30that men are not simply the problem
when it comes to violence against women, -
15:32 - 15:34they're also the cure,
-
15:34 - 15:37and we have never needed them so much.
-
15:37 - 15:41So, for the real men out there,
consider this your invitation. -
15:42 - 15:44Thank you so much.
-
15:44 - 15:48(Applause) (Cheers)
- Title:
- "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada
- Description:
-
Having spent the past three years working intimately with male athletes, Alexis Jones is redefining “manhood”, one locker room at a time. After growing up a Texas tomboy with four older brothers and working in “the lion’s den of dudes” at Fox Sports and ESPN, Alexis takes an inspiring, hysterical and at times inappropriate approach to empowering young men to better respect and protect the girls and women in their lives with her exclusive locker room curriculum, ProtectHer. (Viewer discretion advised.)
Alexis Jones is an author, activist, media personality and the Founder of I AM THAT GIRL and ProtectHer. Alexis has been featured on Oprah’s #SuperSoul100, MAKERS, DELL’s #Inspire100 and #CreateCultivate100. She has also spoken at The White House, The United Nations, Harvard, Stanford, NIKE, Pepsi and ESPN.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:58
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Ellen commented on English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada | |
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Ellen edited English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada | |
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Ellen edited English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada | |
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Ellen approved English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada | |
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Ellen edited English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada | |
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Ellen edited English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada | |
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Peter van de Ven commented on English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada | |
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Peter van de Ven accepted English subtitles for "Locker room talk?" Says who? | Alexis Jones | TEDxUniversityofNevada |
Peter van de Ven
Dear Approver, I've spotted a couple more typo's:
@ 05:00 equaly >> equally
@ 05:08 awkard >> awkward
@ 05:15 opiniated >> opinionated
@ 05:24 dont >> don't
@ 13:36 licence >> license
Ellen
English transcript edited 17/02/2017- typos noted below fixed