Hot Dogs vs. Hamburgers: Debate-o-Rama

- Today we debate.
- Hot dogs.

- Versus hamburgers.
- Let's talk about that.

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Make sure you check that out.
But today

is all about the debate.

Now we've debated
a few things on this show

during the Debate-O-Rama's
that we do.

Last time we debated
(both) Cake versus pie.

And you know what,
we looked at your comments

and it's just too close to call.
You guys are very split

Very polarizing subject,
cake versus pie.

But today we're going to find out about

hot dogs versus hamburgers!

Let's get right to it.
Time for a Debate-O-Rama

Good to see ya.
How's Brenda's gout?

Oh, thanks, it's good.
It's on its out way.

- Oh, the gout's on it's way out.
- Yes.

(Eddie) Alright, good morning
Mr. Rhett and Mr. Link

Oh, yes, of course, good morning.
- Good morning.

(Eddie) I hope you guys are ready to debate,
- We are ready.

(Eddie) 'cause that's what
we're here for, debating.

- (Eddie) Mr. Rhett, hamburgers and hot dogs.
- Hamburgers, I hope I got the memo correct.

I'm taking hot dogs-- I would prefer.

(Eddie) Mr. Rhett, you're going
to start with your introduction.

(Eddie) You have 90 seconds.

Okay, thank you to Mr. Neal, the moderator,
- You're welcome.

and the mythical beast.
There's a reason that people say, "Hot dog."

or the more expressive, "Hot diggity dog!"
whenever they experience joy

because the hot dog is the
pure embodiment of joy.

Take a look at this.

It's as if the hot dog was
created for the human mouth.

The hamburger on the other hand,

was created for some
sort of large cartoon character

with a big circular mouth,
which I am not.

I'm a human and therefore
I prefer hot dogs.

The hot dog is also perfectly suited
for one hand handling.

You have a free hand.
You know what you could do with that free hand?

You can have another hot dog.

You could even have a hamburger
if you're sacrilegious.

You can play a sport like tennis.

You can say hi, you can say bye.
You can conduct a business transaction.

One hand handling.

Now also, this is lead to a love affair

with the hot dog that has lead
to regional favorites including,

The Chicago Dog, The Dodger Dog,
The Fenway Frank, The Koni Dog

The Carolina Style Dog, The Texas Weiner

Yes, I said The Texas Weiner.

Have these places coined burger names?
No, they have not!

What does the guy at the baseball game say?
Does he say,

"Hamburgers! Get your hamburgers!"

He says, "Step right up! Hot dogs.
Get your hot dogs."

And that's because America,
and the world! Loves hot dogs.

And I would like to take the remaining
seconds of my 90 second opening adress

to let you consider the greatest
thing man kind has ever invented.

The corn dog.

Just consider it.

It speaks for itself.

(Eddie) Alright, thank you Mr. Rhett.
Mr. Link, it's time for your cross examination.

You have 30 seconds.

Okay, Rhett, first question.

Do you know how to eat a hamburger?

- 'Cause that's not--
- I'm not a cartoon character, I have no idea.

- That's not how you do it.
- Everytime I pick it up I'm like, "What do I do?"

Are you suggesting that people
of all ages, including children

of a young age should eat a
hot dog while trying to play tennis?

- That doesn't sound dangerous at all.
- I said that you could

not that you should.

And a corn dog--

You could bowl too. You could bowl.
I could bowl with a hot dog.

A corn dog, I did consider it and
what I concluded was that

- they had to come up with some way to hide the dog
- (Eddie) Alright, Mr. Link.

- (Eddie) Mr. Link!
- and they covered it in corn!

Yeah it's right in there
and it's delightful!

- Thank you humans.
- (Eddie) Thank you.

- Thank you humanity.
- (Eddie) Thank you Mr. Link.

(Eddie) Mr. Link, it's time
for your introduction for--

Yes, of course.

I'd like to thank you moderator
for giving me this oppurtunity

as well as you audience for being amazing.

I'd like to thank you, Rhett,
for arguing for hot dog,

not an easy thing to do.

- Yeah, you're going up the creek big time.
- They're awesome!

Hamburgers.

There's a reason why fine
establishments everywhere

serve them. Because they are
classic and they are tasy.

Stacked layers of savory flavors deliver
the entire food pyramid to your palette.

in every bite. And yes,
this is how you bite it.

- They're easy to eat all the--
- You didn't bite it.

all the toppings are protected right in there.

A hot dog-- If you don't open
your mouth big enough

All you're gonna do is rake a
bunch of toppings up your nose.

It's happened to you, I know.

You can eat a hamburger
upside down or right side up.

I have never seen an astronaut eat a hot dog.

They're stackable. You can stack
the burgers all over the place.

Millions high. The only thing you can
do to make a hot dog bigger

is to make it longer
until it gets offensive.

They're flippable.

It willingly submits to being
evenly cooked on both sides.

Evenly grilling a hot dog requires
Circus du Soleil level coordination

Finally, they're adaptable.

You can dress 'em up
or dress 'em down.

You can make 'em gourmet.

Hot dogs on a menu is like putting a
scratch-n-sniff sticker on a Mona Lisa.

I would like to take the rest of
my time to present exhibit A

A gif of actual hot dog manufacturing.

(Link) Take a look at this. Ponder it.

(Link) That gelatinous goo is
the meat that makes hot dogs.

(Eddie) Alright, thank you Mr. Link

Ponder it.

- (Eddie) Mr. Link.
- Don't look away.

- Oh, you wanna look away?
- No, I could look at that all day.

It's just hot dog meat.

(Eddie) Mr. Rhett, it's time
for your cross examination

(Eddie) You have 30 seconds.

I can't help but notice, Mr. Neal
that when you said,

"This is how you bite it."
that you did not bite it.

You didn't bite the hot dog either!

Well, I didn't say, "This is
how you bite it."

I just said that said that it was
made for the human mouth (Link laughs)

The second thing I
wanna point out is, yes,

maybe that footage is
unpleasant to look at

- Maybe.
- But you gotta think,

Hot dogs should give everyone hope.

because hot dogs are proof that you
can make something amazing

out of what is left over and rejected.

And that should give up to the world!

We could take something
that's not so awesome

and make something that's life changing--
Totally awesome!

The hot dog!

(Eddie) Okay, Mr. Rhett.

(Eddie) Thank you for
your cross examination

(Eddie) Mr. Link, it's time for
your rebuttal to Rhett

Sure.
Um, question.

What part of amazing is what the U.S.
government allows in hot dogs

like, pig snouts, stomachs,
cow lips and livers,

goat gullets, and lamb spleens?

Plus, additives and preservatives.

Hot dogs are gross.
A hodgepodge of grodyness

Even the name is gross.

Who wants to eat a dog?
No matter how hot it is.

- What about a wiener?
- It's not an actual dog

come on, hey, that's, that's a low blow.

It's not an actual dog.

Here's my question for you, buddy.

- Where's the ham?
- (Eddie) Mr. Rhett it's time for--

- Where's the ham?
- Mechanically--

- Where is the ham?!
- Mechanically seper--

(Eddie) Please, we need order!

- Mechanically separated
- (Eddie) We need order please!

turkey and chicken.

- (Eddie) Mr. Rhett, it's time for your
- Goo.

(Eddie) first rebuttal.

Wiener.

(Link snorts) Yeah?

I mean, how often do
you get to say that?

You know?
How often do you get to say that?

- I, I'd like a--
-If you wanna get a laugh in kindergarten

- or on this show often.
- I mean, you can't

say the word, "wiener" without
making somebody smile.

Look at everybody smiling around here.

And that's what you get to
say every time you order a hot dog

If you want to.
You go down in Texas,

you get the Texas Wiener.
Did I mention that?

- Yes.
- And nothing like a little bit of humor

to go a long way to make you
smile and enjoy your meal.

Who cares what's inside?
It makes you smile.

(Eddie) Alright, thank you.
- That's right, you need comic relief

if you're gonna try to get
a whole hot dog choked down.

Hot dogs are hazardous.

Point one, we all agree
they're not a health food.

Carcinogenic preservatives, much?

- Point--
- That's only some dogs!

- Point two, they are a--
- Only some dogs.

They are a proven choking
hazard for young children.

- It even says so on the packaging!
- You slice 'em in half like my mama did.

Point three, I'm adding
carpal tunnel syndrome

to get one of these things in the right--
See uh-- it's like--

my wrist, it's oh-- pain!

- Oh it's-- I don't know how
- Oh come on! It's not hard to

- eat a hot dog!
- You can't-- Yes.

- Look at this one, it's on a stick.
- Oh, my wrist!

(Eddie) Alright, thank you Mr. Link.

(Eddie) Rhett, it's time for your final rebuttal

- First of all, low blow.
- His time has started.

You're talking about health.
Your little burger over there

is full of red meat, which causes
colon cancer, heart attacks--

it's like the number one cause
of all the crap that happens to people.

Sends people to the grave.
Every. Single. Day.

- And listen,
- What about, what about this thing here?

- the world's best
- What about this?

competitive eater Joey "Jaws" Chestnut

ate hot dogs; not hamburgers!

To overthrow the previous
world's best competitive eater

Takeru Tsunami Kobayashi.

He didn't eat hamburgers,
he ate hot dogs--

The world's best eaters choose hot dogs!

- You gonna argue with the world's best eaters?
- (Eddie) Mr. Rhett.

- Huh?!
- (Eddie) Please.

(Eddie) Mr. Link, it's time for
your closing statements.

Have you ever tried to watch
a hot dog eating competition?

It's almost as bad as
trying to eat a hot dog.

In summary, wieners can
not be the winners.

Hamburgers are securable, stackable,
flippable, and adaptable and edible.

And according to my research here,
hot dogs, the mystery meat,

are not edible.