The Son of a difficult father: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton
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0:05 - 0:07This is a photograph
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0:07 - 0:09of a man whom for many years
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0:09 - 0:13I plotted to kill.
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0:13 - 0:16This is my father,
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0:16 - 0:20Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.
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0:20 - 0:22He's called Bageye because he has
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0:22 - 0:26permanent bags under his eyes.
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0:26 - 0:29As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,
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0:29 - 0:33I dreamt of scraping off the poison
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0:33 - 0:37from fly-killer paper into his coffee,
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0:37 - 0:39grounded down glass and sprinkling it
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0:39 - 0:42over his breakfast,
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0:42 - 0:44loosening the carpet on the stairs
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0:44 - 0:47so he would trip and break his neck.
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0:47 - 0:49But come the day, he would always
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0:49 - 0:51skip that loose step,
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0:51 - 0:53he would always bow out of the house
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0:53 - 0:55without so much as a swig of coffee
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0:55 - 0:58or a bite to eat.
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0:58 - 0:59And so for many years,
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0:59 - 1:01I feared that my father would die
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1:01 - 1:03before I had a chance to kill him.
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1:03 - 1:08(Laughter)
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1:08 - 1:11Up until our mother asked him to leave
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1:11 - 1:12and not come back,
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1:12 - 1:17Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.
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1:17 - 1:20He teetered permanently
on the verge of rage, -
1:20 - 1:24rather like me, as you see.
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1:24 - 1:27He worked nights
at Vauxhall Motors in Luton -
1:27 - 1:30and demanded total silence
throughout the house, -
1:30 - 1:33so that when we came home from school
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1:33 - 1:35at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle
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1:35 - 1:38beside the TV,
and rather like safe-crackers, -
1:38 - 1:41we would twiddle
with the volume control knob -
1:41 - 1:43on the TV so it was almost inaudible.
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1:43 - 1:46And at times, when we were like this,
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1:46 - 1:48so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"
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1:48 - 1:50going on in the house
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1:50 - 1:52that I imagined us to be like
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1:52 - 1:56the German crew of a U-boat
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1:56 - 1:58creeping along the edge of the ocean
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1:58 - 2:00whilst up above, on the surface,
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2:00 - 2:04HMS Bageye patrolled
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2:04 - 2:06ready to drop death charges
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2:06 - 2:10at the first sound of any disturbance.
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2:10 - 2:13So that lesson was the lesson that
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2:13 - 2:14"Do not draw attention to yourself
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2:14 - 2:16either in the home
or outside of the home." -
2:16 - 2:19Maybe it's a migrant lesson.
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2:19 - 2:22We were to be below the radar,
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2:22 - 2:24so there was no communication, really,
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2:24 - 2:27between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,
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2:27 - 2:29and the sound
that we most looked forward to, -
2:29 - 2:31you know when you're a child and you want
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2:31 - 2:35your father to come home
and it's all going to be happy -
2:35 - 2:36and you're waiting for that sound
of the door opening. -
2:36 - 2:38Well the sound that we looked forward to
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2:38 - 2:40was the click of the door closing,
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2:40 - 2:44which meant he'd gone
and would not come back. -
2:44 - 2:48So for three decades,
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2:48 - 2:51I never laid eyes on my father,
nor he on me. -
2:51 - 2:53We never spoke to each other
for three decades, -
2:53 - 2:54and then a couple of years ago, I decided
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2:54 - 2:59to turn the spotlight on him.
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2:59 - 3:00"You are being watched.
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3:00 - 3:02Actually, you are.
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3:02 - 3:04You are being watched."
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3:04 - 3:07That was his mantra to us, his children.
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3:07 - 3:09Time and time again
he would say this to us. -
3:09 - 3:12And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,
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3:12 - 3:13where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,
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3:13 - 3:15and he was a Jamaican.
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3:15 - 3:16And what he meant was,
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3:16 - 3:18you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant
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3:18 - 3:20are being watched
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3:20 - 3:22to see which way you turn, to see whether
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3:22 - 3:26you conform to the host nation's
stereotype of you, -
3:26 - 3:29of being feckless, work-shy,
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3:29 - 3:31destined for a life of crime.
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3:31 - 3:33You are being watched,
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3:33 - 3:37so confound their expectations of you.
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3:37 - 3:42To that end, Bageye and his friends,
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3:42 - 3:43mostly Jamaican,
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3:43 - 3:47exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:
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3:47 - 3:50Turn your best side to the world,
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3:50 - 3:52show your best face to the world.
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3:52 - 3:54If you have seen some of the images
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3:54 - 3:56of the Caribbean people arriving
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3:56 - 3:58in the '40s and '50s,
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3:58 - 3:59you might have noticed
that a lot of the men -
3:59 - 4:01wear trilbies.
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4:01 - 4:04Now, there was no tradition
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica. -
4:04 - 4:07They invented that tradition
for their arrival here. -
4:07 - 4:09They wanted to project themselves in a way
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4:09 - 4:12that they wanted to be perceived,
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4:12 - 4:13so that the way they looked
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4:13 - 4:16and the names that they gave themselves
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4:16 - 4:18defined them.
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4:18 - 4:23So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.
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4:23 - 4:27Tidy Boots is very fussy
about his footwear. -
4:27 - 4:30Anxious is always anxious.
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4:30 - 4:32Clock has one arm longer than the other.
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4:32 - 4:36(Laughter)
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4:36 - 4:40And my all-time favorite was
the guy they called Summerwear. -
4:40 - 4:41When Summerwear came to this country
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4:41 - 4:43from Jamaica
in the early '60s, he insisted -
4:43 - 4:46on wearing light summer suits,
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4:46 - 4:47no matter the weather,
-
4:47 - 4:49and in the course
of researching their lives, -
4:49 - 4:52I asked my mom,
"Whatever became of Summerwear?" -
4:52 - 4:57And she said, "He caught a cold and died."
(Laughter) -
4:57 - 4:58But men like Summerwear
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4:58 - 5:00taught us the importance of style.
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5:00 - 5:02Maybe they exaggerated their style
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5:02 - 5:05because they thought
that they were not considered -
5:05 - 5:07to be quite civilized,
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5:07 - 5:10and they transferred
that generational attitude -
5:10 - 5:13or anxiety onto us, the next generation,
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5:13 - 5:15so much so that when I was growing up,
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5:15 - 5:17if ever on the television news or radio
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5:17 - 5:19a report came up about a black person
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5:19 - 5:21committing some crime —
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5:21 - 5:24a mugging, a murder, a burglary —
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5:24 - 5:28we winced along with our parents,
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5:28 - 5:30because they were letting the side down.
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5:30 - 5:32You did not just represent yourself.
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5:32 - 5:34You represented the group,
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5:34 - 5:38and it was a terrifying thing
to come to terms with, -
5:38 - 5:40in a way, that maybe you were going
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5:40 - 5:45to be perceived in the same light.
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5:45 - 5:48So that was what needed to be challenged.
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5:48 - 5:53Our father and many of his colleagues
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5:53 - 5:56exhibited a kind of transmission
but not receiving. -
5:56 - 5:58They were built to transmit
but not receive. -
5:58 - 6:01We were to keep quiet.
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6:01 - 6:02When our father did speak to us,
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6:02 - 6:05it was from the pulpit of his mind.
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6:05 - 6:07They clung to certainty in the belief
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6:07 - 6:11that doubt would undermine them.
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6:11 - 6:15But when I am working in my house
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6:15 - 6:19and writing, after a day's writing,
I rush downstairs -
6:19 - 6:22and I'm very excited to talk
about Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley -
6:22 - 6:25and words are tripping out
of my mouth like butterflies -
6:25 - 6:27and I'm so excited
that my children stop me, -
6:27 - 6:31and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."
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6:31 - 6:35(Laughter)
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6:35 - 6:37But they do care, actually.
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6:37 - 6:38They cross over.
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6:38 - 6:41Somehow they find their way to you.
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6:41 - 6:44They shape their lives
according to the narrative of your life, -
6:44 - 6:48as I did with my father
and my mother, perhaps, -
6:48 - 6:51and maybe Bageye did with his father.
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6:51 - 6:53And that was clearer to me
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6:53 - 6:56in the course of looking at his life
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6:56 - 6:59and understanding, as they say,
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6:59 - 7:00the Native Americans say,
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7:00 - 7:02"Do not criticize the man
until you can walk -
7:02 - 7:04in his moccasins."
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7:04 - 7:07But in conjuring his life, it was okay
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7:07 - 7:10and very straightforward to portray
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7:10 - 7:13a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s
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7:13 - 7:18with bowls of plastic fruit,
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7:18 - 7:21polystyrene ceiling tiles,
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7:21 - 7:23settees permanently sheathed
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7:23 - 7:27in their transparent covers
that they were delivered in. -
7:27 - 7:29But what's more difficult to navigate
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7:29 - 7:30is the emotional landscape
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7:30 - 7:32between the generations,
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7:32 - 7:37and the old adage
that with age comes wisdom -
7:37 - 7:39is not true.
-
7:39 - 7:42With age comes
the veneer of respectability -
7:42 - 7:46and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.
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7:46 - 7:49But what was true was that my parents,
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7:49 - 7:51my mother, and my father
went along with it, -
7:51 - 7:54did not trust the state to educate me.
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7:54 - 7:56So listen to how I sound.
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7:56 - 8:01They determined that they would
send me to a private school, -
8:01 - 8:02but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.
-
8:02 - 8:06It's quite difficult to fund
a private school education -
8:06 - 8:09and feed his army of children.
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8:09 - 8:11I remember going on to the school
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8:11 - 8:13for the entrance exam, and my father said
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8:13 - 8:16to the priest — it was a Catholic school —
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8:16 - 8:21he wanted a better
"heducation" for the boy, -
8:21 - 8:24but also, he, my father,
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8:24 - 8:26never even managed to pass worms,
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8:26 - 8:29never mind entrance exams.
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8:29 - 8:31But in order to fund my education,
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8:31 - 8:34he was going to have to do
some dodgy stuff, -
8:34 - 8:37so my father would fund my education
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8:37 - 8:40by trading in illicit goods
from the back of his car, -
8:40 - 8:42and that was made even more tricky because
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8:42 - 8:44my father, that's not his car by the way.
-
8:44 - 8:46My father aspired to have a car like that,
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8:46 - 8:48but my father had a beaten-up Mini,
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8:48 - 8:52and he never, being a Jamaican
coming to this country, -
8:52 - 8:55he never had a driving license,
-
8:55 - 8:58he never had any insurance
or road tax or MOT. -
8:58 - 9:00He thought, "I know how to drive;
-
9:00 - 9:03why do I need the state's validation?"
-
9:03 - 9:05But it became a little tricky
when we were stopped by the police, -
9:05 - 9:08and we were stopped a lot by the police,
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9:08 - 9:09and I was impressed by the way
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9:09 - 9:11that my father dealt with the police.
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9:11 - 9:14He would promote
the policeman immediately, -
9:14 - 9:18so that P.C. Bloggs became
Detective Inspector Bloggs -
9:18 - 9:19in the course of the conversation
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9:19 - 9:21and wave us on merrily.
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9:21 - 9:23So my father was exhibiting
what we in Jamaica -
9:23 - 9:27called "playing fool to catch wise."
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9:27 - 9:30But it lent also an idea
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9:30 - 9:32that actually he was being diminished
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9:32 - 9:34or belittled by the policeman —
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9:34 - 9:36as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —
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9:36 - 9:39but also there was an ambivalence
towards authority. -
9:39 - 9:40So on the one hand, there was
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9:40 - 9:42a mocking of authority,
-
9:42 - 9:44but on the other hand,
there was a deference -
9:44 - 9:46towards authority,
-
9:46 - 9:48and these Caribbean people
-
9:48 - 9:52had an overbearing obedience
towards authority, -
9:52 - 9:54which is very striking,
very strange in a way, -
9:54 - 9:58because migrants
are very courageous people. -
9:58 - 10:00They leave their homes.
My father and my mother -
10:00 - 10:04left Jamaica and they traveled
4,000 miles, -
10:04 - 10:08and yet they were infantilized by travel.
-
10:08 - 10:10They were timid,
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10:10 - 10:11and somewhere along the line,
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10:11 - 10:13the natural order was reversed.
-
10:13 - 10:17The children became
the parents to the parent. -
10:19 - 10:21The Caribbean people came
to this country with a five-year plan: -
10:21 - 10:23they would work, some money,
and then go back, -
10:23 - 10:26but the five years became 10,
the 10 became 15, -
10:26 - 10:28and before you know it,
you're changing the wallpaper, -
10:28 - 10:32and at that point,
you know you're here to stay. -
10:32 - 10:34Although there's still
the kind of temporariness -
10:34 - 10:37that our parents felt about being here,
-
10:37 - 10:41but we children knew that the game was up.
-
10:41 - 10:44I think there was a feeling that
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10:44 - 10:49they would not be able
to continue with the ideals -
10:49 - 10:51of the life that they expected.
-
10:51 - 10:53The reality was very much different.
-
10:53 - 10:55And also, that was true of the reality
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10:55 - 10:57of trying to educate me.
-
10:57 - 11:01Having started the process,
my father did not continue. -
11:01 - 11:03It was left to my mother to educate me,
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11:03 - 11:06and as George Lamming would say,
-
11:06 - 11:10it was my mother who fathered me.
-
11:10 - 11:12Even in his absence,
that old mantra remained: -
11:12 - 11:14You are being watched.
-
11:14 - 11:17But such ardent watchfulness
can lead to anxiety, -
11:17 - 11:19so much so that years later,
when I was investigating -
11:19 - 11:21why so many young black men
-
11:21 - 11:23were diagnosed with schizophrenia,
-
11:23 - 11:25six times more than they ought to be,
-
11:25 - 11:29I was not surprised
to hear the psychiatrist say, -
11:29 - 11:33"Black people are schooled in paranoia."
-
11:33 - 11:37And I wonder
what Bageye would make of that. -
11:37 - 11:39Now I also had a 10-year-old son,
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11:39 - 11:42and turned my attention to Bageye
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11:42 - 11:44and I went in search of him.
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11:44 - 11:47He was back in Luton, he was now 82,
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11:47 - 11:51and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,
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11:51 - 11:52and when he opened the door,
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11:52 - 11:56I saw this tiny little man with lambent,
smiling eyes, -
11:56 - 11:59and he was smiling,
and I'd never seen him smile. -
11:59 - 12:02I was very disconcerted by that.
-
12:02 - 12:05But we sat down,
and he had a Caribbean friend with him, -
12:05 - 12:07talking some old time talk,
-
12:07 - 12:10and my father would look at me,
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12:10 - 12:11and he looked at me as if I would
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12:11 - 12:15miraculously disappear as I had arisen.
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12:15 - 12:17And he turned to his friend, and he said,
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12:17 - 12:20"This boy and me have a deep,
deep connection, -
12:20 - 12:23deep, deep connection."
-
12:23 - 12:25But I never felt that connection.
-
12:25 - 12:27If there was a pulse, it was very weak
-
12:27 - 12:30or hardly at all.
-
12:30 - 12:32And I almost felt
in the course of that reunion -
12:32 - 12:37that I was auditioning
to be my father's son. -
12:37 - 12:39When the book came out,
-
12:39 - 12:40it had fair reviews
in the national papers, -
12:40 - 12:44but the paper of choice
in Luton is not The Guardian, -
12:44 - 12:46it's the Luton News,
-
12:46 - 12:50and the Luton News
ran the headline about the book, -
12:50 - 12:55"The Book That May Heal
a 32-Year-Old Rift." -
12:55 - 12:58And I understood that could also represent
-
12:58 - 13:00the rift between
one generation and the next, -
13:00 - 13:04between people like me
and my father's generation, -
13:04 - 13:06but there's no tradition in Caribbean life
-
13:06 - 13:09of memoirs or biographies.
-
13:09 - 13:13It was a tradition that you didn't chat
about your business in public. -
13:13 - 13:17But I welcomed that title,
and I thought actually, yes, -
13:17 - 13:19there is a possibility that this
-
13:19 - 13:23will open up conversations
that we'd never had before. -
13:23 - 13:28This will close the generation gap,
perhaps. -
13:28 - 13:30This could be an instrument of repair.
-
13:30 - 13:33And I even began to feel that this book
-
13:33 - 13:35may be perceived by my father
-
13:35 - 13:40as an act of filial devotion.
-
13:40 - 13:43Poor, deluded fool.
-
13:43 - 13:47Bageye was stung
by what he perceived to be -
13:47 - 13:50the public airing of his shortcomings.
-
13:50 - 13:53He was stung by my betrayal,
-
13:53 - 13:55and he went to the newspapers the next day
-
13:55 - 13:56and demanded a right of reply,
-
13:56 - 13:59and he got it with the headline
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13:59 - 14:02"Bageye Bites Back."
-
14:02 - 14:05And it was a coruscating account
of my betrayal. -
14:05 - 14:08I was no son of his.
-
14:08 - 14:10He recognized in his mind that his colors
-
14:10 - 14:12had been dragged through the mud,
and he couldn't allow that. -
14:12 - 14:15He had to restore his dignity,
and he did so, -
14:15 - 14:17and initially,
although I was disappointed, -
14:17 - 14:19I grew to admire that stance.
-
14:19 - 14:22There was still fire
bubbling through his veins, -
14:22 - 14:26even though he was 82 years old.
-
14:26 - 14:28And if it meant that we would now return
-
14:28 - 14:32to 30 years of silence,
-
14:32 - 14:38my father would say,
"If it's so, then it's so." -
14:38 - 14:41Jamaicans will tell you
that there's no such thing as facts, -
14:41 - 14:43there are only versions.
-
14:43 - 14:45We all tell ourselves
the versions of the story -
14:45 - 14:48that we can best live with.
-
14:48 - 14:51Each generation builds up an edifice
-
14:51 - 14:53which they are reluctant
or sometimes unable -
14:53 - 14:55to disassemble,
-
14:55 - 14:59but in the writing,
my version of the story -
14:59 - 15:01began to change,
-
15:01 - 15:05and it was detached from me.
-
15:05 - 15:08I lost my hatred of my father.
-
15:08 - 15:12I did no longer want him to die
or to murder him, -
15:12 - 15:16and I felt free,
-
15:16 - 15:21much freer than I'd ever felt before.
-
15:21 - 15:23And I wonder whether that freedness
-
15:23 - 15:26could be transferred to him.
-
15:28 - 15:32In that initial reunion,
-
15:32 - 15:35I was struck by an idea that I had
-
15:35 - 15:38very few photographs of myself
-
15:38 - 15:41as a young child.
-
15:41 - 15:43This is a photograph of me,
-
15:43 - 15:45nine months old.
-
15:45 - 15:47In the original photograph,
-
15:47 - 15:50I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,
-
15:50 - 15:52but when my parents separated, my mother
-
15:52 - 15:55excised him from all aspects of our lives.
-
15:55 - 15:59She took a pair of scissors
and cut him out of every photograph, -
15:59 - 16:03and for years, I told myself
the truth of this photograph -
16:03 - 16:06was that you are alone,
-
16:06 - 16:08you are unsupported.
-
16:08 - 16:11But there's another way
of looking at this photograph. -
16:11 - 16:13This is a photograph
that has the potential -
16:13 - 16:16for a reunion,
-
16:16 - 16:19a potential to be reunited with my father,
-
16:19 - 16:23and in my yearning
to be held up by my father, -
16:23 - 16:25I held him up to the light.
-
16:25 - 16:28In that first reunion,
-
16:28 - 16:30it was very awkward and tense moments,
-
16:30 - 16:32and to lessen the tension,
-
16:32 - 16:35we decided to go for a walk.
-
16:35 - 16:37And as we walked, I was struck
-
16:37 - 16:39that I had reverted to being the child
-
16:39 - 16:43even though I was now
towering above my father. -
16:43 - 16:45I was almost a foot taller than my father.
-
16:45 - 16:48He was still the big man,
-
16:48 - 16:52and I tried to match his step.
-
16:52 - 16:54And I realized that he was walking
-
16:54 - 16:57as if he was still under observation,
-
16:57 - 17:00but I admired his walk.
-
17:00 - 17:02He walked like a man
-
17:02 - 17:05on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final
-
17:05 - 17:09mounting the steps
to collect his condolence medal. -
17:09 - 17:12There was dignity in defeat.
-
17:12 - 17:15Thank you.
-
17:15 - 17:16(Applause)
- Title:
- The Son of a difficult father: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton
- Description:
-
Colin Grant is an author, historian and BBC radio producer; he has also worked as a script editor and produced several radio drama-documentaries. His talk discusses how he attempted to bridge the void between him and his father, through writing a memoir, failed; but taught him more about the vast experiential and cultural gaps between immigrants and their native children.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 17:45
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton | ||
Erica Junghans edited English subtitles for Under Bageye's Watchful Eye: Colin Grant at TEDxBrighton |