'Knowing when the time is right': coming out, not holding back | Maria Esposito | TEDxWhitehallWomen
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0:16 - 0:18Hello, TEDx and [unintelligible].
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0:19 - 0:21We were at college together.
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0:21 - 0:22(Laughter)
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0:22 - 0:25Off-camera voice:
That was a couple of years ago. -
0:25 - 0:25(Laughter)
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0:25 - 0:28Maria Esposito: Thirty-three years ago ...
Off-camera Voice: No! -
0:29 - 0:29(Laughter)
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0:29 - 0:33Off-camera voice: [unintelligible].
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0:35 - 0:38It's wonderful to be sharing
a stage with her again, -
0:38 - 0:41from our old performing art days.
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0:42 - 0:44But I'm here to talk about time.
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0:45 - 0:48How many times have you said
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0:48 - 0:52that you would do something
when the time is right? -
0:53 - 0:56Well, the truth of the matter is
the time is always right. -
0:56 - 1:00And right now, in our world,
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1:00 - 1:04there has never been
a better time to be out. -
1:05 - 1:07And I'm not talking about Brexit.
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1:07 - 1:09(Laughter)
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1:12 - 1:15I've been with my partner for 19 years.
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1:16 - 1:19For 10 of those years,
we've been civil partners. -
1:19 - 1:22And just recently, I'm now happy to say
that I can call her my wife. -
1:22 - 1:24(Cheers)
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1:24 - 1:25Thank you.
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1:25 - 1:28(Applause)
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1:31 - 1:33And the reason we've achieved that
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1:33 - 1:40is because we're of the generation
of people who never stopped coming out. -
1:41 - 1:44Sometimes, I have to come out
on a daily basis. -
1:44 - 1:46Sometimes, a couple of times a day.
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1:47 - 1:50And that's not just because
I like declaring my sexuality -
1:50 - 1:51at every opportune moment.
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1:51 - 1:54No, it's just everyday life.
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1:54 - 1:56You know, I might set up
a new bank account, -
1:56 - 1:59I might register with a new dentist,
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1:59 - 2:00anything.
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2:00 - 2:01My favourite:
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2:01 - 2:03checking in at a hotel.
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2:03 - 2:04(Chuckling)
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2:04 - 2:07I've booked a lovely double room
with a double bed, -
2:07 - 2:08for me and the wife,
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2:09 - 2:10and we arrive,
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2:10 - 2:13only to find that the hotel
has taken it upon themselves -
2:13 - 2:16to change our booking
to a twin-bedded room, -
2:16 - 2:17(Laughter)
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2:17 - 2:21on the assumption that
same-sex names means 'friends' -
2:21 - 2:24and we have clearly made a mistake
with our booking. -
2:24 - 2:26(Laughter)
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2:28 - 2:29Recently,
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2:29 - 2:32I had to go through a spate
of medical treatment, -
2:32 - 2:34which resulted in a few
stays in hospitals. -
2:34 - 2:36And let me tell you,
it was all gynaecological stuff, -
2:36 - 2:40so I cannot begin to tell you
how many times I had to come out. -
2:40 - 2:43(Laughter)
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2:46 - 2:49And on one of these days, I was there,
lying in my hospital bed, -
2:49 - 2:52and my partner was with me -
when we were still civil partners; -
2:52 - 2:55this was just before
we upgraded to marriage - -
2:55 - 2:58and the nurse came along and she's
filling out one of the many forms. -
2:58 - 3:01And then, all of a sudden,
she looks up and she said, -
3:01 - 3:03'And who's this? Is this your friend?'
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3:03 - 3:05And I said, 'No, this is my partner'.
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3:05 - 3:08And with that, she stumbled
and stuttered and went, -
3:08 - 3:11'Oh - Oh - Oh - Well -
'friend,' 'partner,' same thing', -
3:11 - 3:12and scurried off.
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3:12 - 3:14(Laughter)
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3:16 - 3:18Now, I don't know about you,
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3:19 - 3:21but I don't tend to have sex
with my friends. -
3:21 - 3:23(Laughter)
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3:28 - 3:31There's something in the
heterosexual world I may have missed. -
3:31 - 3:32(Laughter)
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3:33 - 3:38But then I read a survey from Stonewall,
that came out in 2015, -
3:38 - 3:43that said over half of health
and social care practitioners -
3:43 - 3:47did not think that sexual
orientation played any part -
3:47 - 3:50in someone's healthcare needs.
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3:51 - 3:53The survey also disclosed
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3:53 - 3:59that 1 in 10 of these practitioners
had overheard colleagues -
3:59 - 4:02saying that being gay can be 'cured'.
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4:04 - 4:08I was interested in that bit, because
I'm 57 and I haven't been cured yet. -
4:08 - 4:09(Laughter)
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4:09 - 4:13I was wondering whether I could qualify
for signing on long-term sick. -
4:13 - 4:15(Laughter)
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4:17 - 4:21I think this is going to hang around
quite a few years, don't you? -
4:23 - 4:25These statistics -
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4:25 - 4:28It's not surprising that now, in 2016,
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4:29 - 4:33nearly half of all lesbians
are not out to their GPs. -
4:36 - 4:38It's astonishing.
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4:39 - 4:41Coming out takes courage,
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4:42 - 4:44and each day I have to find that courage
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4:44 - 4:48if I want to continue
to truly be who I am. -
4:54 - 4:59These ordinary, innocuous situations
for heterosexual people -
5:00 - 5:04can, for gay people,
be fraught with anxiety. -
5:05 - 5:08That split-second moment -
think about it - -
5:08 - 5:12that split-second moment before
you give an answer that will out you -
5:13 - 5:16is filled with the fear
of a thousand judgements -
5:17 - 5:21that can flood their way into your head,
creating a potential tsunami of shame. -
5:23 - 5:29Part of my shame manifested itself
in managing the reactions of others, -
5:29 - 5:31making it okay for them.
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5:32 - 5:35I felt apologetic that I had
made them feel awkward, -
5:35 - 5:39and that somehow it was
my responsibility to alleviate that. -
5:55 - 5:57I'm feeling very emotional about this.
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5:57 - 6:03So, you'll have to forgive my hesitation.
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6:06 - 6:08But through all of this,
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6:09 - 6:13I still chose, and I still
choose, to come out. -
6:17 - 6:19I have a wonderful gay cousin,
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6:20 - 6:23and just recently,
we were celebrating his marriage. -
6:24 - 6:29And at his party, we were sharing stories,
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6:30 - 6:36and he said to me
that at the age of 13, in 1963, -
6:36 - 6:38he had come to the conclusion
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6:39 - 6:40that, for him,
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6:40 - 6:44being gay meant
that he must be a criminal. -
6:46 - 6:50And then I shared with him,
for the first time - -
6:51 - 6:53I'd never told him this -
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6:54 - 6:56that for me, in 1972,
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6:56 - 6:58when I was 13,
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6:59 - 7:02what I was thinking and feeling
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7:03 - 7:05must have meant that I was mentally ill.
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7:09 - 7:12Now, you have to remember we lived
in a time that was pre gay soap stars. -
7:12 - 7:14It was pre gay pop stars.
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7:14 - 7:16We didn't have any coming out on YouTube.
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7:16 - 7:17We had nothing of that.
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7:17 - 7:22We could see nothing in the world
that reflected our lives back at us. -
7:24 - 7:26We lived a life of secrets,
and that became our norm. -
7:26 - 7:30And you know, in fact, if any town or city
did have a gay club back then, -
7:30 - 7:33it usually was called 'Secrets'.
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7:33 - 7:35(Laughter)
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7:35 - 7:40And it was downstairs, in a bar,
or in the back room of a pub, tucked away. -
7:41 - 7:42Even today,
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7:42 - 7:48you do know that the only sex shop
for lesbians in London is called 'Sh!'. -
7:48 - 7:49(Laughter)
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7:49 - 7:51It's true, it's an old street.
You can go and find it. -
7:51 - 7:52(Laughter)
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7:52 - 7:55You can take men by invitation.
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7:56 - 7:59So there we were,
at his party, celebrating, -
8:01 - 8:03but sharing our battle scars.
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8:05 - 8:09We were sharing our battle scars of living
through the comments, the stares, -
8:10 - 8:12the disgust, the hatred -
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8:15 - 8:19It was a constant drip feed
of microaggressions -
8:19 - 8:23that are seeped into our bodies
over the years. -
8:24 - 8:27But, you know, throughout all of this,
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8:27 - 8:32we both said that out of all
of the achievements in our lives - -
8:32 - 8:38and I'm really proud to say that my cousin
is a world-renowned harpsichordist - -
8:40 - 8:43out of all of the
achievements in our lives, -
8:43 - 8:46coming out is still the biggest.
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8:48 - 8:50I was recently really impacted
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8:50 - 8:54by a documentary I watched
on Martina Navrátilová, -
8:54 - 8:56called 'Just Call Me Martina'.
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8:56 - 8:57Anybody else see that?
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8:58 - 8:59Fantastic documentary.
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8:59 - 9:01But I was sitting there watching it,
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9:02 - 9:05and she was talking about
how, until recently, -
9:06 - 9:08she felt less than everybody else
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9:09 - 9:12because wasn't allowed
to marry the person she loved. -
9:13 - 9:17I'm watching this documentary, thinking,
'Oh, my God! This is Martina!' -
9:17 - 9:20She's won 59 Grand Slam titles!
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9:20 - 9:22You know?
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9:22 - 9:23This woman's amazing!
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9:23 - 9:28And yet, even she felt less
than everyone else -
9:28 - 9:32because she couldn't marry
the person she loved. -
9:34 - 9:36But now, she can,
-
9:36 - 9:41and it's because of the persistence
of our generation of coming out -
9:42 - 9:46that we were able to change the laws
and get that equality. -
9:48 - 9:51But let's not confuse
equality with equity, -
9:51 - 9:58because while we have now gained
legal representation and legal equality -
9:58 - 10:00in many, many areas,
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10:00 - 10:04can we really say that we live in a world
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10:04 - 10:09where we are allowed to fully participate
regardless of our sexuality? -
10:11 - 10:13I'm not quite so sure yet.
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10:14 - 10:18Because even with these small steps,
really, for heterosexuals, -
10:18 - 10:23but huge, giant leaps for queer kind,
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10:26 - 10:28we still have some ways to go.
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10:31 - 10:34Coming out is not a one-time deal.
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10:35 - 10:38It's a lifetime commitment of courage.
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10:41 - 10:44You see, our sexuality
is not just about sex. -
10:44 - 10:49It's about how I see, meet,
feel and touch the world. -
10:50 - 10:52And more importantly, for me,
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10:52 - 10:57it's about how the world meets, sees,
feels and touches me back. -
11:03 - 11:05So until the time -
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11:05 - 11:08And you know that thing you said
you were going to do in your head -
11:08 - 11:10when the time is right?
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11:12 - 11:13Just do it.
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11:14 - 11:16Because for me,
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11:16 - 11:18until the time comes
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11:19 - 11:25when the 26% of our lesbian and gay
and bisexual and transexual workers -
11:25 - 11:30who don't feel safe coming out
at work can come out - -
11:30 - 11:32Until the time comes
-
11:33 - 11:37when the 72 countries
that still punish homosexuality -
11:38 - 11:41and where it's still illegal
change their laws, -
11:42 - 11:43and the 10 countries
-
11:43 - 11:48that punish homosexuality
with death the death penalty stop - -
11:49 - 11:51Until the time comes
-
11:52 - 11:57when the 34% of young LGBT people
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11:58 - 12:00are not attempting suicide
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12:01 - 12:05and 51% of them not self-harming
in the UK today - -
12:07 - 12:08Until the time comes
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12:08 - 12:15when all LGBT people do not have to endure
the use of the word 'gay' pejoratively - -
12:18 - 12:20Until this time -
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12:20 - 12:21And more:
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12:22 - 12:24and maybe into a world
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12:24 - 12:27where we don't even have
to bother coming out, -
12:28 - 12:30it is just accepted -
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12:31 - 12:33Until this time,
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12:33 - 12:34I,
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12:35 - 12:37and my beautiful wife,
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12:40 - 12:42will keep coming out.
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12:42 - 12:43Thank you.
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12:43 - 12:44(Applause)
- Title:
- 'Knowing when the time is right': coming out, not holding back | Maria Esposito | TEDxWhitehallWomen
- Description:
-
'Knowing when the time is right': coming out, not holding back.
Maria Esposito is a media professional.
Originating from Leicester, Maria is the daughter of an Italian ice cream maker and has the unique experience of growing up in an ice cream factory! She went on to study Performing Arts at DeMontfort University and immediately after graduating worked as a professional actress for 12 years before joining the BBC as a comedy script editor and producer.In 1986, she stepped on to the stage as an out gay stand up comedienne, performing across the UK and in the USA. Maria was one of the first gay presenters on TV and Radio hosting the BBC Radio 4 special 'A Sunday Outing' (a five-hour gay extravanganza of live and pre-recorded shows) and Channel 4's groundbreaking gay news and features series 'Out'.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 12:56