Colin Quinn: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States

(upbeat music)

- Hello and welcome

to the Chicago Humanities Festival.

My name is Nathalie Kohen and
I'm the senior programmer.

It's my pleasure to welcome
you to today's program

with Colin Quinn and David Spade.

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Thanks to our captioner
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Be sure to check out
Colin Quinn's latest book

which is the topic of
today's conversation,

"Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast
Roast of the 50 States."

And now, please welcome
David Spade with Colin Quinn.

- Colin Quinn,

an old buddy of mine.

This is David Spade and I'll
be running the show today.

Obviously one of us has a ring light.

Colin.

(laughing)

- I have one too.

- Oh you do? Turn it on.

(laughing)

It's time.

(laughing)

Colin
- Woo!

- Hey, look at this guy!

Colin was always known as the cute comic.

All the girls I know like
him and have a crush on him

which drives me crazy.

I know we're here to talk about the book

and we're gonna get to that in a second.

I mean, I don't really want to
but it's probably inevitable.

So what I'm gonna ask you
a few questions first.

First of all, look.

Heather wrote that.
- Nice.

Isn't that great?

I'll block it-
- Hey you can almost,

you can almost see what the word means.

(laughing)

I know, that's her fault
she wrote so horrible.

"Overstated," that is the book.

And I have the book right here.

This is it Colin.

You sent it to me and it feels
like this was Photoshopped.

When did you shoot this?

- No, we shot that in the Potomac itself.

(laughing)

- Potomac.

And the funniest part is you asked me,

literally the dumbest one you know,

to look at a book and
talk to you about a book.

I'm not like super dumb,

but I don't read a lot.

- But this is the kind of-
- No, I know.

- This is the kind of
book where I open it,

because I'm such a fan of yours.

And I open it and then
in the first second I go,

"Oh, it's funny."

Then I get jealous and I slam it shut.

But I did go through
it and a lot of things.

First I wanted to tell
everyone we worked together

on "Saturday Night Live."

This is true, right?

- Right.

- And the funny thing
about Collin on SNL is,

he would,

I would ask your opinion after
read-through about sketches

'cause everyone sort of looked
up to you as in comedically

and some people would pull you aside

and say "what do you think of this?"

And you were always nice about my bits.

And then, one time...

So I thought you were
just kind of saying that,

like that's what you
would say to everyone.

And then one time I go, "Hey,
what'd you think of this one?"

You go, "You can't do it."

(laughing)

And I go, "What do you mean?"

You go, "It's hacky,

it's, you can't.

It's so bad.

It's not up to your level."

And I was like...

But it made me realize
that you were listening,

your compliments were genuine.

And when you needed to put the
brakes on me you were honest.

And so I liked that.

And I didn't like it at the time,

but I liked it later because-

(laughing)

that's the kind of harsh
criticism I needed.

You were always nice about it.

And, do you remember when
Farley wrestled Jay Mohr?

(giggling)

- No, I wasn't there.

- Oh, you weren't there for that?

That was ridiculous.

How many years were you on total?

We're gonna keep moving,

but I just wanna-
- No I was there writing

when you were there.

Those guys had left.

- Oh, okay, okay.
- When I came on,

so it was a different group, you know?

- Oh, is that when I was just
stayed by myself for a year?

- Yes.

- Yeah, okay, that's right.

Because that bit was one of
my weekly bits I was doing

that I asked you about.

It was about-
- Right, right.

The uh, yeah.

- You remember that.

So,

you wrote-
- First of all,

before you ask any questions,

I'm gonna guess you read out
of the whole book "50 States,"

I'll say your read "Arizona,"

and half of "California."

- I wanted to get to California,

but with my schedule you don't
know with this pandemic...

people are coming at me
from a million sides.

So I...

- Oh you're the worst!

- I had to alphabetize my colognes,

there was so much going on yesterday.

But no, I went through 'em

and half the funniness is
the names of the chapters.

And then,

the amount of work you put in

which might not be work to you,

because sometimes when
people are really good...

Like I saw Sean Penn
shoot a movie one day,

and he was talking at lunch and smoking.

And then he went into this heavy scene.

He goes, "Hang on a second."

Heavy scene.

And I think it's the kind of thing

where he's just smooth at it and good,

and so it doesn't seem like that hard,

but it's harder for other people.

So, I'm looking at the
density of jokes on each page

and I'm like, "Goddamn."

You've already talked about
all of our favorite subjects.

The constitution I used to joke to you

I'd say,

"How do you find the most
boring thing you can find?"

And then go, "There's funny there."

And that's a hard worker,

because you're not taking
the easy jokes that are like,

let's say Trump jokes or something

that people are doing a lot of.

You're going past that
and going deeper, deeper.

Something that wasn't made
fun of and you find something.

I'm gonna let you talk
in the last 10 seconds.

Also,

we can talk about it.

So,

first of all,

you've done books,

you've done plays.

And why the states this time?

- Well, because obviously with this thing,

you know, this thing called America

is probably on its last legs.

And, so I figured I would
just try to do a review.

'Cause I can't believe that
this country is in this shape.

And yet nobody wants to
have like a meditation,

there's no conclave,

like, an emergency conference

like the constitutional convention was,

with people discussing what to do.

So I said, "Well at least
I'll review it anyway."

You know?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think it must be
more frustrating for you.

Because I'm an average guy
that sort of skims along

along politics and it frustrates me.

But with you,

where you have so much
more knowledge about it,

it must drive you (laughing)
even extra bananas.

- It's more like,

I feel like it's a problem
of human nature and all,

you know what I mean?

It's not just our system,

It's everybody.

It's not just the politicians
or the corporations.

It's the average person too.

We're all in this,

you know what I mean?

Everybody's guilty in some way.

- It has split people where,

even eight years ago,

12 years ago,

I would be like,

"Oh wait, is that a Presidential
election this week?"

And everyone's like, "Oh right,

yeah, get out and vote.

You gotta pick the guy."

And it wasn't so rough.

And even when Dana Carvey
was doing Bush on SNL,

he was goofy about it and
it was just sort of funny.

- Right.

- And it got meaner and rougher

along the way

until this election is just so...

it's actually scary because I don't know

which side wins and the other
side is not gonna like it,

I know that.

- Yeah, yeah

- What's gonna happen is terrifying.

I have no idea really and I'm sure you do.

You probably have some secrets.

- No, I don't know.

- You don't know for sure?
- Nobody knows.

But all I do know is
that here we are talking

about this crazy thing.

And yet there's no place for people to go

where there's like,

a group of thinkers

that you go to and they go,
"Here's what we need to do."

That doesn't exist.

Which is strange-
- Right.

It feels like just people like us.

You're like, the higher
ups get together and say,

"Obviously every single
person in the country

is talking about this.

There's some huge problem."

- Right.

- "How can we calm it, fix it, anything?"

And they're so far apart that you go,

"Wait, if this is like,

such a weird battle
where no one's winning."

- And part of the problem
is obviously the leaders

and the other part of the
problem is the people.

Because people would not
allow leaders right now

to have an honest,

brutally honest conversation.

You can only speak in platitudes.

And so the people are used to that,

the media is used to that,

and the pol-

we're all used to only
speak in these vague terms.

So you can't even get to
the bottom of anything.

- Yeah.

Heather, Google "platitudes."

(Heather giggling)

- Mm.
- Also,

(laughing)

Also,
- Well,

let's call 'em "bromides."

(laughing)

- So the um...

It is crazy that each
person is so involved now

of what's going on I don't...

And the fear of coming up to an election

and our state's on fire
along with everything else.

It's hard for-
- Not your state,

you're from Arizona.

- Well, if you wanna get tricky,

I'm from Michigan.

- Ooh!
- But I don't remember much

from Michigan 'cause I
was only four when I said,

(air blowing)

"Let's beat it.

I've heard Arizona's got some uh,

I've (laughing) heard good things."

So, when I was four we moved.

But speaking of Michigan,

what is Michigan's hook?

What's their name in the title?

- I don't remember.

Hold on.

- I got it too.

- Good.

- I'm not up to Michigan,

how about Ohio (laughing)?

(laughing)

- "Will you take Ohio?"

Well, I'm on Ohio right now.

(pages rustling)

Okay, what do you think on Michigan?

You remember what it is?

Do you have any thoughts?

'cause I'm from there.

- Jesus you're not from there.

I was all prepared for it, you know.

You-
- Let's skip to Arizona.

You know I'm from Arizona, right?

- I know.

I was just trying to
save you from Arizona.

But I mean, yeah I can't remember.

I mean, I probably should've
prepared a little more.

- Don't worry about it.

We'll go to Arizona,

because it's the IG model state.

♪ Arizona. ♪

♪ Take off your rainbow shades ♪

- You can't say "Indian braids" anymore.

- No, "Take over your
rainbow shades," they said.

- And then the next line it says

"Take off your Indian braids."
- Oh.

Who wrote that song?

- Mark somebody?

- Okay.

(laughing)

I think,

it's on my iPod.

- But they say Arizona, yeah.

I call it the Instagram model
because beautiful but empty.

You know.

(laughing)

(paper rustling)

I have to say when I was in Arizona,

the few times I've been out there.

- Yeah?
- Jesus.

The people are beautiful.

Not just the girls,

the guys are beautiful too.

- Yes.

- Everyone just looks nice out there.

You know what I mean?

But it's got a dirty bloody
history as you might know.

- I don't know.

I know that there's a copper
mine I used to live next to.

- Really?

- Yeah, pennies are big there.

- I guarantee there was a lot of bloodshed

in that copper mine, you know?

Because anytime you had something,

even copper,

most people would go for gold or silver.

So I'm sure Arizona,

the people are like, "All right.

Let's settle for copper."

- "Why is no one focusing on copper?"

Yeah.

We went for copper.

My stepdad was a doctor,

we moved outside of Phoenix
to a town called Casa Grande,

and it was copper mining town.

So everyone made 10 grand
to work at the copper mine.

And that was fine.

And my dad made 36 grand 'cause
he worked at the hospital

and everyone hated me.

Because I was the rich kid.

So, I was beaten up all the time.

Arizona is the 48th state.

I don't know if you knew this.

(laughing)

It's beautiful (chuckling) but empty.

You say this,

(laughing)

"It's got the Billy the Kid
Tombstone gunfighter personality

that Arizona has in their genes."

That's right.

- I believe there's also a
shout out to you in that state.

- There is, Heather saw it.

I wasn't to that part yet,

but I,

I like that you mentioned copper mines

when I thought that I
lived next to a copper mine

and then you mentioned it,

and I go, "Oh, my story checks out."

- Yes.

- Pennies for me.

(laughing)

You said, "When I was a kid,

pennies still meant everything.

Even if and adult dropped
a penny they'd pick it up.

Now a five-year-old drops a quarter

and he goes, "fuck it."

(both laughing)

See? You pepper 'em in there.

"David Spade has the Arizona personality.

Kind of laid back, sun drenched,

and can't really tell if
you're being sarcastic or not."

(chuckling)

- Yeah.

You have that personality.
- That is true.

If I give anyone a compliment,

they don't believe it.

They go, "Okay."

(laughing)

So horrible.

It's a curse.
- I know

- But watch this:

I know so many Indian tribes
because I'm from Arizona.

- Right.

Who?

The Apaches?

- Apache, Cherokee,

Blackfoot,

Yavapai,

Sioux Pai,

Hopi,

Mojave,

Kiva,

Pueblo.

That's fucking good.

- There's another big one though.

What's the other big one beside
Apache that's down there?

- Crowfoot?

- Ooh.

- No, Cherokee, Sioux Pai,

I don't know.

That's pretty good though.

- You said Navajo though.

- Navajo's a big one.

Navajo's a little hacky,

because all the jewelry's Navajo jewelry.

- Oh yeah.

- But I'm getting into
the second deep layers.

- But it is funny because
I would never think,

I would never understand
if I didn't know you,

what that Southwest humor is.

You know what I mean?

"yoomuh," ha ha!

(laughing)

- But it's like a certain style that you,

you're like such to me such
a Southwest personality,

but so funny.

But it's interesting how different,

like, different personalities
have different like,

to be from there and
speak at that laconic,

look it up,

laconic way and still be funny

would seem (laughing) impossible to me.

But you know what I mean?

But it just goes to-
- Well,

it's true because I am,

I never think of that,

but I know even when I
came to New York to do SNL,

I'd only been there once.

So I didn't know anything East coast.

I didn't know when Sandler was doing bits

about New Hampshire accent.

I heard that the East coast had an accent.

like, you know, like a fucking
"Goodfella" or something.

But I didn't know there
were specific ones.

I didn't know the whole East coast

had more population than the West.

I just, it's so dense out there.

And more people are from
there I meet my life

than anywhere.

Philadelphia, New York and all that.

Boston.

So, that accent Stern has
and some of my friends have

that's just East coast and
you can pick up a few words.

I didn't know that and it
was sort of a disadvantage

to come up there.

It was an advantage in a way,

because when I did my first HBO special,

I didn't know

who to copy from.

I was sort of mostly
just doing my own thing.

And then you see like, New York comics

that are somewhat similar,

and you go, "Oh, because
that's all they see.

That's all they see every night

at the clubs and everything."

And I luckily wasn't spoiled by that.

There wasn't much of it.

I told you once I go,
"When I grew up in Arizona,

there wasn't much of a comedy scene."

And you go, "There still isn't any."

(laughing)

So true, so true.

There is no comedy scene

out there.
- Booming Arizona scene.

He goes, "There wasn't much
of a comedy scene back then."

(laughing)

And I was like, "Oh really?"
- "There's one now?"

Okay, wait a second.

Here's a question.

"The United States

in a 50-States-wide couples
counseling session thinking

about filing for divorce.

Is that what we want?"

Do you think after the election,

if Trump wins that some
states will say they want

to break away from the Union?

- Oh, absolutely.

Even if Trump doesn't.

If Biden wins,

some States are gonna say that too.

- Oh wow.
- I feel like

this is really that time,
you know what I mean?

Like sadly, but this is that time where,

you know, unless,

unless somebody who's beyond all our ideas

of brilliance has ideas,

it's not gonna keep working.

Nobody's coming up with any ideas.

People are just saying what we're saying.

- And it's more angry than
anything that's getting fixed.

It's more like,

"I'm lighting fires in my own yard.

I don't even know why.

I just think that's
what I'm supposed to do.

(laughing)

I'm ripping up my own house."

Which is stupid.

It's my riot mentality.

Let's go through a few
of the states if you can,

and just give me off the top of your head.

You wanna do that? That's kinda fun.

- Sure.

Even though I obviously didn't know

what the hell I was saying.

- Because I fucking crack up,

and I know you don't remember anything.

I've done two books.

Oh my God, a couple people read 'em?

Thank you.

One was actually a book,

and then one I did the straight to audio

because I didn't wanna
write the whole book,

which is the opposite of you.

- Straight to audio?
- Mm hmm

- I never even heard such a thing.

- I called Audible and said,

"Can I just do one straight to audio?"

And I thought I could
cheat it by just going

and then be like...

And then they go, "Okay, well just come in

and you'll read it off."

So what happens is,

I had to write the whole thing anyway.

- Ugh.

- Tried to beat this.

Tried to beat this.
- A brilliant idea, though.

- It's a good idea, right?

It actually did better, 'cause...

my jokes

weren't as

stale

because a book takes like a
year and a half to come out.

This came out like eight
months or something.

So it was a good experience-
- And you get in the process.

So, you're saying it audio,

but you had to write it
down to do the audio?

- Yeah, and that's the problem.

But at least when you do an audio,

it just comes right out.

They don't have to wait
and make a big press plan

for the book and say, "It'll
come out nine months from now."

- Oh, you're tryin' to tell
us this is a pain in the ass?

(laughing)

- No, books are great.

You're the one, your
professional book tour.

You don't get to do a book tour.

Don't you hate that?

You have to just sit in
your house and do it?

- As opposed to what?

Sitting in the bookstore like, "Bluh."

(laughing)

- "Next."

"Next."

I like the people that brag.

"I did 3000 in a day."

I go,

"Did you make any eye
contact with your friends?"

No.

- And now you gotta take a
picture with everybody, you know?

- I know, I still get pictures
with people even during this.

They immediately forget everything.

- You gotta COVID test 'em.

- They go, "Is there any way?"

And then I go, "All right."

And then they just come
up, and one guy goes,

"Really a mask?"

I go, "Well."

I feel guilt.

I feel guilty like, "All
right, I'll get it for you."

So horrible.

They hate me.

- You're the guy he met four seconds ago.

- Yeah.

"Hey, we've had four seconds.

You seem pretty cool."

I always can tell when I look at people

if they got it or not.

So I've got like a...

Pretty girls I don't think have it.

- No, you should bring your Q-tip

and just shove it up their nose.

(laughing)

"Just real quick."

(whistling)

Mm.

Okay.

"Illinois is New York
for extra large people."

"XL people," even funnier.

- Yeah.

- Well, let's give us some Chicago stuff.

Anything about-
- No.

'Cause I have to do the
Chicago stuff after this.

The one state out of the 50

that I can't be blowing my load on.

- Mkay.

Let's talk about Florida.

What do we call that?

- I liked that he goes, "Okay."

(both laughing)

- Hey, I can play by the rules.

- But that's the Southwest
where you're like, "Okay."

(laughing)

- I don't wanna fight you on it.

I gotta go by the rules, guy.

I don't wanna mess up

the whole thing.
- Just, "Hey, whatever man."

Florida.

Yeah, the hot mess.

You know? A hot mess.

- Florida has so much going for it.

They could probably want
to be their own state

I mean, their own country.

- Yeah, they could be their own country

because it's such a, you know,

it's such a vast...

I mean, for the East coast,

that's like our Arizona
retirement community.

You know what I mean?

I mean that's where everybody goes.

Even though it's humid.

But for some reason Florida started,

it was like this great idea.

And now it's insane.

Everybody down there is crazy.

- It's funny cause a lot of people here

have moved to Florida,

and a lot of people in LA go,

"Are you moving, are
you getting outta there?

I'm moving."

And I think people just say they're moving

and they don't know why they're moving.

They just go, "I gotta get out."

And then they go somewhere,

and they go, "Guess what?

The corona's in your state too."

And they're like, "Oh."

- Yeah.

Florida's the only place

that I hear New York accents anymore.

Like New York City,
- Oh that's true.

- no one speaks like this.

Everybody in South Florida
is from Brooklyn or Queens.

And the Bronx.

And they all speak like New York.

- Oh, South Florida?

- Yeah.

- Where is Florida? What is
it included in, the South?

Yeah.
- Well,

they're not really the South,

they're not really...

they're their own like you said,

they're their own country.

- They wanna saw it off.

Do they ever talk about
being upper and lower Florida

like North and South Florida?

There's, you know,

like, California says
they wanna break in two.

- Right, but every state's like that.

- I think (indistinct) about that.

- Look at Flagstaff and Tombstone, ha ha.

(laughing)

- But New York State and New York City

is totally different personalities.

- Oh wait.

"New York State is the quiet..."

What is that one?

- Yeah, "the quiet upstairs neighbor"

or whatever it is, yeah.

- And oh yeah, New York
city is the loud mouth.

Yeah, that's true.

- Yeah.

- You know, I'm looking at Florida.

Florida is so funny.

Is Florida where the Tiger King's from?

- "Carol fuckin' Baskins!"

- Yes.

- That's our new hero.

- The Tiger King, I know.

He is a good compilation of Florida, yeah.

(laughing)

- He's a good like, just
sum it all up in one show.

- Yeah, but I think he's
from Texas originally.

- Oh, he is?

- I think so.

- Oklahoma that's right,

they mentioned that.

I really got into Tiger King,

'cause everyone said I look like him.

Which was,

I guess good news.

Really wasn't great news.

I go, "Somebody famous?"

and then I saw him and I go.

(laughing)

I go like Norm.

Huh?

- Eh.

- Norm called me the other day.

"David,

I'm lonely."

(laughing)

I go, "Yeah? You wanna hang out?"

He doesn't answer and then two days later:

"Hello?"

(laughing)

And then I text back, "Hey, Norm.

You wanna go to dinner sometime?"

"Do you know places where
there's no coronavirus?"

I go, "I mean,

I don't know if it's for sure, but..."

"Well why would we go out and eat?"

I go, "I'm just trying to get you

out of your Goddamn fuckin' house."

"Hello?"

(groaning)

He goes, did I tell you when he goes,

"David, do you like money?"

(laughing)

Did I tell you you that?

And then I go, "Yes, Norm."

And then about two hours later,

"Would you like more money

than you've ever had in your life?"

And I go, "Of course I would."

And then he doesn't answer.

Then three days later,

"David, would you like

what would equal a treasure
chest full of money?

All these riches that just
delivered to your doorstep?"

And would you like to know how?"

And I go, "Of course, please tell me."

And he goes.

Then like three days later, he says,

"In the Penguin's game bet
the over on the first quarter

(laughing)

on the first period."

And I go, "Is that it?"

And he goes, "Yeah, that's a no miss."

And he goes, "Bet everything."

(both laughing)

But he kept me going for
so long and I was like,

"I do like-"
- But I mean...

And how much could you bet?

If you bet like, $100,000
dollars on the over

in the first quarter at the Penguins game,

first it's not a quarter, it's a period.

- Yeah.

- But the first period,

I mean, wouldn't every bookie go,

"What?"

(laughing)

Nobody ever bet the first
period of a Penguins game.

- I know, that's why he's psycho,

because who's getting that deep?

I go, "Norm, you're not
gambling again, are you?"

And he's like, "No."

- I didn't even think you
could bet the over on a period

of a hockey game,

because it's such a low scoring thing.

- So stupid I don't know.

I dunno.

"David!"

- "Would you like money?"

That's Norm.

I told you when I
- "You're confirming

you like money?"

- When I was with Norm in Vegas,

I told you he was on a rampage.

And then just so funny the whole weekend.

And then in the elevator,

Norm in the elevator is the
most dangerous place to be

if you're not Norm.

(laughing)

Right?

Crowded elevator.

He goes,

(giggling)

something along the lines of like,

"That girl was a hooker."

(laughing)

Then he points at me and
goes, "Ask this guy."

(laughing)

- I love it.

Yeah he-
- The whole elevator turns

around and looks at you
and you go like this,

"No."

(laughing)

- That's Norm don't listen to him.

He's funny as shit.

Yeah, I don't think he's left his house.

- I told you I was watching ...

No, I think he never left it.

He didn't leave his house
before the coronavirus.

- Yeah, I know. I go, "How
do you know there's a corona?

Are you just reading about
this or are you sure?"

"You think it's a trick?"

(laughing)

- How about this, Colin?

I go to do a gig with my buddy, Bobby.

My only gig this whole time.

So we go to Utah,

they're making it all safe.

Heather tells me,

"You know when you pick 'em up,

can you just,

the drivers are all safe?"

They go, "Oh, yeah,

the masks, you know, they want business,

of course they're doing everything right."

And Bobby,

my buddy had a stroke.

So he's a little shaky.

So he tells his doctor,

"Do you think is a stroke considered

one of the things that you've already had?

Preexisting condition?"

And his doctor goes,

"Why do you think genius?"

(laughing)

And he goes, "It is?"

He goes, "Yes, it is.

Your body's weak."

And he goes, "Okay."

So Bobby has his mask on,

and the driver is standing outside in Utah

with his mask on his ear like this.

(lips smacking)

And I go, "Hey man."

And we get close and he goes,

"Oh, we doin' masks?"

(laughing)

And my buddy goes, "Yeah."

And he goes, "Alright."

Then he puts it on, he
gets in and it says,

"I'm not a sheep," on his mask.

And I go,

(hand slapping)

So then, I'm in the back,

and just to prod him I go,

"Hey, I'm not a sheep either."

Right? Just anything to get him going.

And he goes,

"Oh, you're into this scamdemic?"

And I'm like, "I'm a customer.

We told you to wear a mask,

and you don't know how I
think and you're already like,

making me feel like an asshole?"

And I go (groans).

It's just so funny.
- First of all,

Why would you have, "I'm not a sheep?"

It should be at the other side of the mask

So when you have it down people like,

"I don't wear my mask, I'm not a sheep."

Having it and wearing it, you know.

- Yeah, He didn't get that far.

He just wanted to...

And then between shows,

I ran back hotel and Bobby didn't.

So I was of course had a few knocks,

I'm in the backseat,

and then I go,

"Scamdemic".

And then he goes, "Oh yeah, dude."

And then he just went and on.

I just wanted to just
prod him a little bit.

And then he went off.

It's funny.

- Yes.

- Oh, and also at SNL Franken hated me.

Did you know that part?

- What?.

- Franken didn't like me.

That's why I didn't vote for him.

(laughing)

In case he was running for something.

Okay, so,

Michigan we covered.

(wheezing)

Arizona we did.

(giggling)

You say you've covered 47 states,

but not the Dakotas or Wyoming, right?

- That I've lived in, yeah.

I mean that I've visited, right.

- Yeah.

I've been to South Dakota
so I'll take this one.

- Oh, okay. Yeah.

- Yeah.

My stepdad married my mom

and he was from Pierre South Dakota.

- You really are Joe Dirt.

- So yeah, so we drove.

Drove.

And I'm sure he didn't like,

she had three kids.

He was like (mumbling).

So we drove to South Dakota.

And then Rapid City, South Dakota

had the hugest flood they've
had in their history.

This was in the seventies.

And so it was totally trashed.

Cars are in trees.

I'm like, "This place kinda sucks."

(laughing)

I kept it down in the back.

I was playing Stratego,

Which I was very good at.

And then we get there and
they put us in a Motel 6

and they were in the other motel.

By the way, we're like
literally 8, 10, and 12

and we're in our own motel.

And my brother was
playing "Night Gallery,"

and it scared me so much
I ran to the other hotel

and told my mom she's like, "Beat it."

'Cause they were like...

- Yeah.

- Anyway, that's the South Dakota story.

But we did see,

isn't a Mount Rushmore there?

- Mount Rushmore? Yeah, sure.

- Thank God I got that one right.

Okay, So that's my chapter for that.

- I have a whole business
plan for South Dakota

where they should make a Mount Rushmore

of all the presidents,

and then each new one,

and people come and visit.

Why stop at four?

Just keep goin'.
- Keep 'em coming back.

Yeah, because that way,

A, it puts a lotta of people to work.

- Yes, and it's a good tourist attraction.

- And then every year you go,

"I've been there, but
they got in the new guy."

- That's right.

- "So let's go back.

To see what they did with him."

They wouldn't...

Okay. I'm not gonna ask you that question.

I've got my whole list of
things that are off-limits,

don't worry.
- Fine.

- It's like (purring).

What else?

This is fun.

Oh yeah, what is the funny thing you say

about Alaska and Hawaii,

"the two adopted children?"

- Yeah.

- Is that what it is?

(laughing)

Hawaii's so fuckin' funny.

Lemme see.

Oh, "Hawaii's the jinx."

- Yeah.

- Why is Hawaii the jinx?

- 'Cause of Pearl Harbor,

but also because once we let those two in,

that's when our country
started to fall in 1959.

Before that everyone loved America.

And then it just started...

but we had to get greedy.

That was our fault.

Hawaii and Alaska

have no business being
part of our country,

they're not even close to us.

But we reached off the
bag and took these two

and that led to our downfall.

- 'Cause Arizona squeaked in at 48.

- Arizona should be the last state.

- Yeah.

I wonder if Lego Joe dirt agrees with you.

- Ooh.

- What's crappenin'?

Full mullet.

So,

Hawaii has a lot of pot as we know,

but you know if they make it legal,

that's gonna be the best pot state.

- Oh yeah.

It's only meant to be a resort,

it's not meant to be a state.

You have to go with what you are.

You know what I mean?

They're meant to be a resort,

and that's it.

- Hawaii should just be a huge hotel.

- What's that?

- It should just be a huge hotel, Hawaii.

- Yes.

- Because we did "The Wrong Missy" there.

I'm glad you brought that up.

"The Wrong Missy" was,

mm,

it was the best of times and it was...

(laughing)

We did it in Hawaii and it was great.

I still complained of course,

but-
- How long were you there?

- Seven weeks?
- Wow.

- You know, it was actually,

this is a boring story.

It was actually cold at night.

And I didn't bring anything but shorts

'cause I thought, "it's Hawaii."

And it got kinda cold at night.

And then it rained,

and then it was,

I was laying in a puddle.

I don't wanna give the whole movie away,

but I was laying in a puddle
and with a broken leg,

A fake broken leg on.

And it was raining on my face

on the first night of
shooting and it was midnight.

I'm like, "Well, this fuckin' sucks."

I thought it was gonna be like,

drinking and being...

- Well, you know what you shoulda done.

Too bad they don't have any stores there

where you can buy pants.

(laughing)

- Colin, when you're doing a movie,

I was locked in character.

I don't come out of
character the whole time.

I'm like Spicoli.

- Well, your character
wasn't just wearing shorts.

- Did you even see the movie?
- Your character

was just the opposite
of a wearing shorts guy.

It was an uptight outta sight guy,

if I remember correctly.

- I can't believe you saw it.

Did you see it or not?

- Of course, it was very funny.

- Thank you, buddy.

That's what I was getting at, thank you.

Alright.

I just tried to extract that
from you like a rotting...

- It was funny.

I dunno if you are hilarious,

or hilarious playing
catch up with that girl

who was rocking the whole movie.

You're like...

(laughing)

- She was crushing.

And I was fucking-
- She'd be like,

Boom, boom.

You're like, (grunts) get back.

- By the way about halfway
through the movie I'm like,

"Do I have any jokes?"

(laughing)

- No, but I knew it.

I go, "If this girl,

if we get the right girl
reading the script,"

I go,

"I do wanna play that straight
man like Jason Bateman.

It's funny."

And I don't mind that.

And she was,

we got the right girl.

She fuckin' was funny.
- Oh my God,

she was hilarious, yeah.

- So funny.

- "Alaska's the bad kids."

- You think people are gonna
judge us for calling somebody

"the right girl?"

(laughing)

- I thought we took that part out already.

(laughing)

She was great.

She's a good actress.

- You mean actor.

- I know, I'm trying to
get myself in trouble now.

Arkansas, is that a state?

I think I should know more.

- Arkansas is.

- North Carolina?

"North Carolina is America's ashtray."

I'm just reading jokes now.

I was tryin' to put
that Hawaii joke on pot.

I'd read your own joke and do
it back to you like I thought

of it and I watch you
quietly stew but go...

(heavy sigh)

- It's true, I can't remember it.

- You put these jokes and then
I just say 'em back to you

like I thought of them.

I go...
- That's fine with me.

- "Louisiana is the Brazil of America."

Those are so funny.

I hate to say my mom's
gonna love this and read it.

She'll read it in two
seconds she loves you.

Anyone that's kinda smart loves you.

- Yeah.

- Leave the dumb ones for me.

(laughing)

And so you wrote it
because you just thought,

you're always searching,

which is nice that you don't just quit.

I've been doing the same act for 15 years,

but you go out and you want new material

and you wanna impress Seinfeld.

(laughing)

- I just like to, yeah.

I do feel like comedy as you know,

jokingly,

'cause you always have new material.

It is a search.

Let's face it.

- It's one of the few
things that keeps you going.

For me, the few things that
keep me excited in life

after all these years,

the list is definitely smaller,

but one of them is coming up with an idea

or something you think is
funny or an angle on something,

and you go, "Oh that's pretty good."

And I write it down and I go, "Okay."

So that kinda keeps me going,

which is part of the
not fun of the pandemic

is not going out and trying stuff.

- Right.

- Gets smashed down.

And then I see these drive-in
shows and people doing it

in their living room
with no crowd on Zoom.

And I'm like, "It's like a
doctor operating on a pillow."

You know what I mean? On his couch.

It's like, he wants to do it,

but it's not the same.

You know what I mean?

- No, it's not because it's such a weird,

comedy is such an audience like,

they're so collaborative with us,

that wether we like it or not,

they're such a part of your process

that there's no way to do it without 'em.

- I know, believe me.

I wish I could do without a crowd now.

I'm kidding.

I love the crowd, that's the fun.

It is hard to go out there and do standup

and travel and all that stuff.

But it is fun when you're in
the zone and you're doing stuff

that's working and that's
keeps everybody going.

- Now we're gonna be in the zone,

"the hot zone,"

when we're doing comedy.

- Oh yeah, I know.

All the corona bugs and
bubbles floating around.

(teeth clacking)

I try to bite 'em like a dog.

(laughing)

They're like, "No, those are bad for you."

But I'm like a dog,

I'm like, "I dunno, they look fun."

(teeth clacking)

(laughing)

Oh wait. Okay.

So I think we're supposed to wrap up,

but I wanna say,

you're always hilarious,

you write the funniest stuff.

I never want to read it,

but then when I do,

I like it.

'Cause I don't read.

Someone goes, "What are some
of your favorite books?"

I go, "Some?

You mean, can I remember
one book I've ever read

in my life, is that the question?

Because if that's the question
the answer is I cannot."

So this will be now the one I say,

because I gave it a good skim job,

and then I went in deep on a few.

Just to get to the jealous point of,

I'm mad that you're still really funny,

and then I just throw it away.

Here's how I'm wrapping this up, ready?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna say like they do in Hawaii.

Aloha.

You think it means hello,

but it also means goodbye.

(groaning)

Isn't that good?

Anyway, love you Colin.

- Love you, David

- Great book.

I don't know if it's airing on Twitter

or where this is airing,

but I'm very excited
and I will see you soon

once this is all over.

- Yes thanks.

- Alright buddy, miss you.

You're gonna take some questions.

- Yes I am.

- Okay, I'm jumping off.

- Bye, buddy.

- [David] All right Heather,

pull the car around-
- [Colin] Bye, Heather.