Should I give my mother love or a lot of money?

(Half bell)

(Bell)

Dear Thay, dear Sangha,

I feel guilty towards my mother

because I've done certain things
that caused her to suffer.

But if I try to do the things
that don't make us suffer

I find the seeds of suffering
being watered in me,

so I avoided doing them.

I tried to practise offering her loving
kindness presence to compensate her

in another way
so she does not blame me for it

but inside I still feel very guilty
for not doing certain things for her.

I want to know how can I transform
this feeling of guilt inside me.

You don't do certain things for her,
what do you mean by that?

I did not cause her to live
in a comfortable place,

and cause a lot of worry.

She wanted me to work very hard
and earn a lot of money

and I am not doing all that,

so it caused her a lot
of anxiety and worry

and I could not give her a lot
of comfortable material life,

which I can if I work really hard
and earn a lot of money.

But I am not doing all that.

So I use the time to practice and

offer her deep listening,
loving kindness, true presence.

It helps because she is not
very resentful towards me.

But I also feel guilty because I feel
that I should do more for her.

Can you summarize?

Our friend is asking a question
relating to her mother.

She has a feeling of guilt.

She sees that her mother suffers and
is able to do something to help her mother

such as she listens compassionately.

But there are other things
that her mother might like her to do

that she is hesitant to do
or even chooses not to do

because they would entail her to suffer

for example to work harder
and earn more money

in order to provide them more secure
material environment for her mother.

Her mother has expressed this wish

but our friend has chosen instead to work
less so she has more time to practise

and she sees that her mother does benefit
from the quality of her presence

as a result to her practise.

But she feels guilty
because she is asking herself

can I not do more,
am I doing enough to help my mum.

We have the right view,

because there is a wrong view
that leads to suffering.

And because we practise mindfulness,

that is why we have concentration
and insight,

insight is the right view.

The right view is you don't need a lot
of money in order to be happy.

You don't need a lot of fame
or power to be happy.

And if you have that insight,
the right view,

you don't run after money and
fame and power anymore,

and you have more freedom
and more time to live our life.

But our mother may not have that kind
of insight - right view,

she wants more money.

She wants you to work harder
and earn more money.

And that is because she now
doesn't have right view yet.

And your practise is to help her
to have right view

and if you are not fresh enough,
how can you help her?

I don't think that if you work harder
or if you offer her more money,

then you can remove your feeling
of guilt. No.

Even if you do what she wants you to do,
it would not remove the feeling of guilt

because she continues to suffer
even with more money

and you suffer more also
if you earn more money.

So the practise is how to help her
to get the right view that you have.

And one can be happy
without having a lot of money.

And that is why, loving speech
and deep listening,

the Fourth of Mindfulness Training
is very important.

If you have a lot of compassion
in your heart,

if you know how to speak gently,

if you have a lot freshness
and loving kindness in you,

then you should be able
to transmit your right view to her.

You will transform her.

And when her view is right view,

she will not demand that you work harder
and earn more money anymore

but your own presence, fresh and
loving is enough to make her happy.

Many of us in the world suffer very much
because we do not have the right view.

And the purpose of Buddhist practise
is to get the right view.

When you have the right view,
you have the right thinking,

right speech and right action
that lead to happiness.

So your problem is to help your mother
to give up her wrong view

and get the right view that you must be
skillful enough in order to help her.

Skillful here means to be refresh,
lovely, patient

and your presence can change her
more than your arguments.

You cannot change - help people
with our arguments, okay?

(Half bell)

(Bell)