How to Perception Check

[jazz music in background]

This one time, me and my girlfriend
were eating lunch, when I matter-of-factly

said, 'I think pickles are gross.'
She looked at me with this intense

look of disappointment, and said,
'you have never been more wrong

about anything.' And I said, 'No, pickles
are gross. They're slimy. They're a

mixture of the two worst tastes: sourness
and vinegar. And they're basically just a

cucumber's smelly cousin.' And then my
girlfriend had this look of shock,

and said, 'I gotta go.' So she stomps out
of the room, and slams the door.

[door slams loudly]

Now, I'm sitting there thinking, oh my
gosh, did I actually just start a fight

over my opinion on pickles? Why is she
angry at me for not liking the same foods

she likes? That's so immature. I mean,
if it's really that big of an issue,

you can just tell me, you don't need to
go and abandon ship. So I sit there, and

I start to get angry. Why won't she talk
to me about this? This is insane.

Maybe she doesn't care enough about me
to argue. Maybe this is just an indication

of a way, way bigger problem. And then
I realize, this would be the perfect time

to bust out one of the most powerful
tools in the emotional intelligence

toolbox-- perception checking.

My name is Damian Barton, and
today, we're going to talk about

perception checking, so we can figure out
how to address behavior that bothered us,

without making the other person feel
attacked. Let's get into it.

We constantly tell ourselves a story about
why someone is acting the way they are.

In psychology, we call those explanations
'attributions.' We attribute behavior with

specific motivations. 'That guy cut me
off in traffic because he's a jerk.'

'My mom calls me so often because
she loves me.'

'My girlfriend sent a short text
saying goodnight, instead of a long

text, so she must be angry with me.'

When we make these attributions,
we're making assumptions about other

peoples' behavior. The problem with
making assumptions about why someone

did something, is that we're often wrong.
We aren't in their head, we don't actually

know what they're thinking. We can make
guesses, but we don't know for sure.

So problems pop up when we tell ourselves
a story about why someone just behaved

the way they did. We can get sent down
this wild goose chase, for a goose that

doesn't exist. We tell ourselves a whole
story that isn't true. We can get hung-up

on a problem that just isn't there. Making
assumptions can lead to fights that never

needed to happen. I don't know if my
girlfriend was actually angry about me

insulting pickles, or if she was just late
for something and she forgot to tell me

about it. So if she gets home and I say,
'What is your problem? Why did you just

stomp out of here and slam the door?'
She might actually become angry

or defensive just because of the
accusatory tone I'm using when I'm

asking the question. And that could lead
to a whole new fight, because she feels

like I'm being disrespectful. So when we
ask about why someone did the thing

they did, we don't want to attack them.
We want to get the actual answer of what's

going on through their head. So how do
we effectively do this? It's time for the

[ukulele strumming music]
[singing: ♪ Take-away tip ♪]

We're going to use a three-step process
called perception checking.

Now the goal of this is to understand
why someone did something, without

triggering a defensive response. So the
first thing we're going to do is describe

their behavior in neutral language.
'I noticed that you blank.'

I noticed that you ran out of here in a
hurry. You see, I'm not applying a

positive or negative spin to their
behavior. I'm just stating exactly what

they did in as neutral of a tone as
possible. Then we provide two possible

explanations, 'were you blank or blank?'
'Were you angry about what I said about

the pickles, or did you have somewhere
to be that you just forgot about?'

And then, we're going to request feedback
and clarification with the phrase,

'What's going on?' So all together, it
should sound like this:

'I noticed that you ran out of here in a
hurry. Were you angry about what I said

about the pickles, or did you have
somewhere you needed to be that

you forgot about? What's going on?'
In the pickle example, she really was

just running late, and had to race out
of here to pick up her parents from the

airport. But if I had ran with my
assumption, that she genuinely was really

offended by my opinion on pickles, then
I could have escalated it and

started a whole other fight that never
needed to happen. So remember, don't

assume why someone did something. More
often than not, you're probably wrong.

And if you want to address behavior
that bothered you, without making the

other person feel attacked, use the
three-step process of perception checking.

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I'll see you next week.

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