Shameless Season 4 Premiere Full Episode

- MY PROGENY HAS JOINED
THE RANKS OF THE GRADUATED.

- YOU APPLIED TO
ALL THOSE SCHOOLS FOR ME?

- A FEW FALLBACKS, TOO,
JUST IN CASE.

- YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER, YOU'RE
NOT IN CHARGE OF WHO I TALK TO,

AND YOU'RE SURE AS ---- NOT
IN CHARGE OF IF I GO TO COLLEGE!

- WE'VE BEEN -------
LIKE BUNNIES,

AND I CAN'T GET PREGNANT.

- WHAT'LL YOU DO?

both: ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR ------- MIND?

- KEV IS JUST GONNA LIE DOWN

WITH YOU FOR PROCREATION,
NOT SEX.

WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU, MOM.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING WEARING
MY TOP?

- PHEROMONES,
I'M BORROWING THEM.

IT'S THE THING BOYS LIKE
ABOUT YOU.

- YOU MEAN TITS?

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE
A YEAR OR TWO OFF.

- ARE YOU GONNA MARRY SOMEONE
WHO ------ GUYS FOR A LIVING?

- WHO GIVES A ----?
IT'S A ------- PIECE OF PAPER.

- YOU LOVE ME.

JUST THIS ONCE,
------- ADMIT IT.

- I WANT TO ENLIST.

WHEN'S THE NEXT BUS
TO BASIC COMBAT TRAINING?

- TOMORROW MORNING.
- PHILIP.

- IT'S LIP.

- IT'S JUST GALLAGHER NOW.
GET ON.

- I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU'D SEEN JIMMY LATELY.

- ANY SIGN OF CONFLICT,
THINGS NOT GOING HIS WAY,

AND HE JUST DISAPPEARS.
- OW!

- IT'S WHAT HE DOES.
- BE A MAN.

- GET ONTO THE BOAT.

- CAN I JUST MAKE ONE PHONE CALL
TO FIONA, PLEASE?

- LAST MESSAGE, I PROMISE.

WHEREVER YOU ARE, BYE.

[gunshot]
- YOU THE TEMP?

- YES.
FIONA GALLAGHER.

- MR. PRATT IS ASKING FOR
A WORD WITH YOU.

- LET ME GUESS, HE'S THE BOSS.
- NOT THE BIG BOSS,

BUT HE IS A SUPERVISOR, YES.
- WE SORT OF DITCHED THE PARTY.

- WELL, THEN YOU BETTER
BEHAVE YOURSELF, BECAUSE I AM

WAY TOO DRUNK NOT TO INVITE
YOU BACK TO MY TENT RIGHT NOW.

- THEY SAID IF YOU DON'T
STOP DRINKING, YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

- SO I'M JUST SUPPOSED
TO STOP DRINKING SO THAT

YOU DON'T FEEL GUILTY?

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO STOP DRINKING

BECAUSE YOU HAVE CHILDREN
AT HOME WHO LOVE YOU.

- WHAT IF I DON'T WANT
TO CHANGE?

- THEN I WOULD KNOW WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS FEARED IS TRUE,

THAT YOU DON'T GIVE A ----
ABOUT ANY OF US.

[High Strung's
The Luck You Got]

♪ ♪

- ♪ THINK OF ALL THE LUCK
YOU GOT ♪

♪ KNOW THAT
IT'S NOT FOR NAUGHT ♪

♪ YOU WERE BEAMING
ONCE BEFORE ♪

♪ BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT
ANYMORE ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS DOWNSIDE ♪

♪ THAT YOU SPEAK OF? ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS FEELING ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO SURE OF? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ROUND UP THE FRIENDS
YOU GOT ♪

♪ KNOW THAT
THEY'RE NOT FOR NAUGHT ♪

♪ YOU WERE WILLING
ONCE BEFORE ♪

♪ BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT
ANYMORE ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS DOWNSIDE ♪

♪ THAT YOU SPEAK OF? ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS FEELING ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO SURE OF? ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ OH, YOU ASSUME AGAIN ♪

♪ BUT YOU NEVER LEFT
YOUR HOMETOWN ♪

♪ WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE ♪

♪ AND I DON'T, I DON'T HAVE
YOUR BRAIN MUSCLE ♪

♪ SO I WROTE IT OUT IN PENCIL ♪

♪ THE MARKS CAN BE ERASED ♪

♪ ERASED ♪

♪ ERASED ♪

♪ SO WHEN YOU MOVE INTO
THE CITY ♪

♪ I'LL SEND YOU OPEN LETTERS ♪

♪ FOR YOU TO OPEN, NOT TO READ ♪

♪ ♪

- HEY, CARL.

CARL, HEY.

YOU GOT ANY BEARS STUFF
I CAN WEAR TO THE GAME TODAY,

LIKE A HAT OR A JERSEY
OR SOMETHING?

- I GOT A "---- JAY CUTLER"
T-SHIRT.

IT MIGHT HAVE BLOOD ON IT,
THOUGH.

- THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.

[gasps]
MORNING, SUNSHINE.

- GOOD MORNING.

- GOOD MORNING.

DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE
UP THERE.

IAN'S GONNA WANT HIS OLD BED
BACK WHEN HE COMES HOME.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- OUT.
- ON A SUNDAY MORNING?

ARE THOSE MY BOOTS?

- OCCUPIED!
- I GOT TO TAKE A PISS!

- GO AWAY!
- USE THE DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM.

- IT'S DOWNSTAIRS.

- YOU'RE YOUNG.
YOU'LL LIVE.

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
NO MORE PEEING OFF THE BALCONY.

WHAT THE ----?

CARL!

MORNING, MRS. BABIAK.

THERE'S A TOILET RIGHT THERE.

MRS. BABIAK DOESN'T NEED
AN ANATOMY LESSON.

- PLEASE, MRS. BABIAK'S GOT
MY 18TH BIRTHDAY

CIRCLED ON HER CALENDAR.

- USE THE TOILET LIKE A HUMAN.
- CAN I HAVE LIP'S OLD ROOM?

- NO.
- HE'S AT COLLEGE.

- SERIOUSLY, CUT THE ---- WITH
THE NATURE WHIZZING,

OR YOU WON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

THAT PIEROGI-EATING PRUNE
WILL CALL THE COPS.

AND NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE LIP'S
OLD ROOM.

HE'S GONNA BE HOME IN THE SUMMER
AND FOR HOLIDAYS.

OH, YOU GOING CLUBBING?

- HANGING OUT WITH HOLLY.

- ARE YOU TWO GONNA WORK
THE CORNER?

- SHUT UP, ZIT HEAD.

- AT LEAST I GOT ZITS,
NO-PUBES GIRL.

- OKAY, ENOUGH, BOTH OF YOU.

CEREAL, BROTHER.

YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE
A LITTLE OVERDRESSED

FOR SUNDAY MORNING AT HOLLY'S?

- IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING
TO CHURCH.

- YOU'RE WATCHING LIAM TODAY,
REMEMBER?

- I HAVEN'T ABUSED MARIJUANA
LIKE THE REST OF YOU,

SO YES, I REMEMBER.
- I HAVE THE MIKE THING.

- I SAID MY MEMORY'S INTACT.

- WHOA.

BIG, YELLOW ICY SPOT ON
THE SIDEWALK.

I ALMOST DROPPED THE DIP.

SPIKE MUST'VE CHEWED THROUGH
HIS FENCE AGAIN.

MY WORLD FAMOUS
ARTICHOKE-JALAPENO DIP.

EDDIE LOVED IT.

HE USED TO SPREAD IT ON
HIS WAFFLES.

- THANKS, SHEILA.
IT SMELLS GREAT.

- [sighs]
- WHY IS SHE HERE AGAIN?

- I DON'T CARE.
OUR LAUNDRY'S CLEAN.

- ANY NEW TEXTS FROM IAN?
- UH, NO.

- YOU CHECK YOUR PHONE
THIS MORNING?

- YES.
- IT'S BEEN ALMOST A WEEK.

- HE'LL BE BACK WHEN HE'S BACK.

- WE SHOULD FILE
A MISSING PERSONS REPORT.

- WE ARE NOT GOING TO
THE POLICE, OKAY?

HE'S 17.

WE DON'T HAVE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT
IT, BUT I TRUST HIM.

- NO SURPRISE HE RAN AWAY
FROM THIS GULAG.

IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE GIVES
A DAMN IF ANY OF US LIVE OR DIE!

- [sighs]
LIAM?

- I HEARD YOU THE FIRST
300 BILLION TIMES.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- $270?
- PRENATAL VISITS AREN'T CHEAP,

AND DR. SUSIE IS CASH UP FRONT.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THE FREE CLINIC?

- YOU WANT YOUR BABY MAMA
WAITING HOURS

NEXT TO CRAB-INFESTED HOOKERS
AND TOOTHLESS CRACKHEADS?

- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE 200 THAT
I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK?

- UH, ULTRASOUNDS,
PRENATAL VITAMINS,

AND THEN I FOUND
THIS CUTE, LITTLE, BLACK

MATERNITY NUMBER
AT NORDSTROMS, TOO.

- SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

- HEY, KEV, YOU GOT
A BEARS JERSEY I CAN BORROW?

MIKE'S TAKING ME TO
THE GAME TODAY.

- BORROW AS IN
I GET IT RIGHT BACK,

OR BORROW AS IN YOU PLAN
TO KEEP IT FOREVER

AND FORGET IT ISN'T YOURS?

- GET IT RIGHT BACK, PROMISE.

- YOU STILL STAYING AWAY
FROM HOT DOGS

AND UNPASTEURIZED CHEESE?

AND NO SPROUTS.

I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE TO SHOVEL IT
IN AT THE SIZZLER SALAD BAR.

- HONEY, I WAS STILL DOING COKE
WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOU,

AND NOW YOU WORRIED
ABOUT ME EATING CHEESE?

- ALL RIGHT, CAROL,

NO NORDSTROMS, OKAY?
DO YOU HEAR ME?

NO NORDSTROMS.

SWEATPANTS AND ADELE'S
OLD MUUMUUS FROM GOODWILL.

- I'LL STOP BY AFTER CHURCH.

WE CAN GO SHOPPING
FOR SOME SENSIBLE SHOES.

MY FEET ARE STARTING TO SPREAD.

IN A MONTH, I'M GONNA BE ABLE
TO WATER-SKI WITHOUT THE SKIS.

ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
BYE.

- BYE, MAMA.

- THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN AFFORD
THE MATERNITY WARD.

SHE'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO HAVE
THE BABY UPSTAIRS IN THE TUB.

WE CAN GET TINISHA FROM DOWN
THE BLOCK TO HELP OUT.

- TINISHA'S NOT A MIDWIFE.

- NO, BUT SHE'S HAD
A ----LOAD OF BABIES.

WILLIAM "THE REFRIGERATOR"
PERRY.

- THERE'S A PLAYER NAMED AFTER
A KITCHEN APPLIANCE?

- WAS.

- YOUR MOM DOESN'T HAVE
HEALTH INSURANCE AT WORK?

- NO.
AND I WOULD'VE NEVER AGREED

TO ---- MY OWN MOM-IN-LAW IF
I HAD KNOWN SHE WASN'T COVERED.

- YOU AND MIKE GETTING SERIOUS?

- I MEAN, I'M NOT, LIKE,
FALLING IN LOVE OR ANYTHING,

BUT I LIKE HIM.

- THE SEX GOOD?

- I DON'T KNOW YET.

- FIRST-DATE FIONA?

THE GIRL WHO PUTS OUT WAITING
IN LINE

AT THE WENDY'S DRIVE-THROUGH?

- WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
RONNY FINNEGAN?

- BEN TROUTMAN.

JESUS CHRIST, YOU'VE DONE THAT
MORE THAN ONCE?

- SO NOTHING AT ALL WITH YOU
AND MIKE?

- A LITTLE DRY HUMPING,
A COUPLE OF ---- ----.

BUT NO, HE'S MY BOSS,
SO WE'RE GOING SLOW.

- MAYBE THEY DON'T ----
RIGHT AWAY IN THE MIDDLE CLASS.

- IT'S DEFINITELY WEIRD.

HE DOESN'T, LIKE, FORCE HIMSELF
ONTO ME WHERE I'VE GOT TO DECIDE

IF I'M GONNA TASER HIM
OR GO ALONG,

LIKE I DO WITH THE GUYS
FROM AROUND HERE.

- HMM.
- STILL NOTHING FROM JIMMY?

- IN THE WIND.
NOT A WORD.

- WELL, ---- HIM.
HE WAS A PUSSY ANYWAY.

- AND NO FRANK?
- [scoffs] NOPE.

- OH, THANK JESUS
FOR SMALL BLESSINGS.

YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

- NO, HE'LL BE BACK.
FRANK'S A COCKROACH.

YOU CAN STOMP ON HIM, SPRAY HIM,
TRY AND DROWN HIM,

BUT HE ALWAYS COMES CRAWLING
BACK UP OUT OF THE TOILET BOWL.

- POLICE DEPARTMENT.
- POLICE!

- POLICE!
- HANDS. COME ON, HANDS!

- HANDS UP!

- CHECK OVER THERE.

- POLICE DEPARTMENT!
- BACK ROOM CLEAR.

- POLICE.

WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK
I SAW YOU STASH THAT?

COME ON, HANDS.

[radio chatter]

- POLICE.
SHOW US YOUR HANDS.

- DOWN ON THE GROUND.

- LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS,
COME ON.

- GET 'EM UP.

- COME ON, PAL, HANDS.
LET'S GO.

YO, HANDS OUT, NOW.

FRANK?

[door unlocks]

- HI, MANDY.
NICE TAM.

- THANKS.
HOW YOU BEEN?

- GOOD.

IAN'S STILL MISSING.
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HIM?

NOTHING?

NOT EVEN A CALL OR A TEXT?

- SORRY.

- SO YOU WANT TO KNOW
HOW LIP'S DOING?

- NOT REALLY.

- HE'S IN COLLEGE.
- GOOD FOR HIM.

- THIS IS A BUNCH OF BILLS,
CHINK DELIVERY MENUS,

AND PRESS-ON NAIL COUPONS.

WHAT MAILBOXES YOU ROB,
THE DEARBORN PROJECTS?

- APARTMENT COMPLEX OVER
BY RUSH.

THERE'S AN ATM CARD.

- CONGRATULATIONS.
IT HAS NO ------- PIN NUMBER.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
ROB THE SAME MAILBOXES EVERY DAY

UNTIL THEY SEND THE PIN?

HEY, YOU...

THIS IS ALL YOU MADE YESTERDAY?

- I GIVE YOU EVERYTHING.

- 220 BUCKS?

HOW MANY JOHNSONS
DID YOU SQUASH?

- 17.

- THAT'S, LIKE, 12 BUCKS A ----.

WHO WAS AT THE DOOR?
- DEBBIE GALLAGHER.

- WHAT DID SHE WANT?
- SHE WAS LOOKING FOR IAN.

- YOU SEEN HIM?

- WHY DO YOU CARE?
- DON'T.

- SHE SAID LIP WAS DOING GOOD
IN COLLEGE.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- YO.

- HEY.
- HI.

IT'S TIME TO GO, RON.

BYRONIC HEROES STUDY GROUP.

I HAVE TO STOP BY THE LAB FIRST.

- I'M BUILDING A NEW DOCKING
STATION FOR MY CLOUD CITY.

- NOW, RON.

- [sighs]

HEY, SO DID YOU GET THE TEXT
ABOUT TOMORROW'S FLASH MOB?

- THE WHAT?

- 5:00, MAN.

EVERYONE'S GONNA FREEZE
FOR EXACTLY 60 SECONDS.

- OKAY.

- WE'LL BE ON THE SECOND FLOOR
OF THE LIBRARY IN THE BACK

AT 3:00 IF YOU WANT TO JOIN US
FOR OUR STUDY GROUP.

- UM, WE AGREED TO KEEP
THE GROUP SMALL.

WE ALREADY HAVE SIX PEOPLE, SO--
- LIP CAN COME, HE'S COOL.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE LATER,
YOU KNOW, AFTER WORK-STUDY.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ WELL, I WAKE UP EARLY,
SLEEPWALKING TO THE TRAIN ♪

♪ HEADACHE FROM LAST NIGHT ♪

♪ 40-OUNCE FOR THE PAIN ♪

♪ I'M A ------ IN PAIN ♪

♪ ♪

♪ WHO AM I? ♪

♪ SAY I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ THE CRIME, WELL, SURE,
I TRIED TO FIND ♪

[knock at door]

- HI.

- FIONA!

- WHAT?
- MIKE.

- [sighs]

[exhales sharply]

UGH.
WHAT IS THIS, SAW?

ON A SUNDAY MORNING?
[chuckles]

- MIKE YOUR REAL NAME?

- YEAH.

I MEAN, MICHAEL,
BUT YEAH, I'M MIKE.

- EVER STEAL A CAR?
- WHAT?

- EVER BURN YOUR BLOOD-SOAKED
CLOTHES IN THE YARD?

- HI.
- YEAH, HI. [chuckles]

YOU READY TO GO?
- UH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

[kissing]
UH, OKAY.

I'LL BE BACK AROUND 6:00.

DON'T SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE.

- [laughs]
- JUST KIDDING.

[mouths words]

REALLY?
- OH, YEAH.

JUST WAIT TILL
MY MOM PAINTS YOUR FACE.

- NOT MUCH VIRGINITY-BIDDING
ACTION ON SUNDAY MORNING.

- WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW?

- 725.
- WOW.

- "JUMBOJOHNSON"?

GUY SOUNDS LIKE HE COULD
BE KIND OF SCARY.

- [laughs]
OR JUST REALLY FAT.

- CAN'T BE SCARIER THAN
MY MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND, GARY.

AT LEAST THIS GUY'S PREPARED
TO PAY FOR IT.

- ANYBODY BID ON ME YET?

- UH, NO.

BUT NOT SURPRISING WITH
THE MINIMUM BID YOU SET.

- $1 MILLION?

- YOU CAN ONLY SELL IT ONCE.

MAKES IT AN EXTREMELY
RARE COMMODITY.

SCARCITY EQUALS VALUE.
BASIC ECONOMICS.

- YOU THINK I'M SELLING
MYSELF SHORT?

- WELL, IN YOUR CASE, IT'S KIND
OF FALSE ADVERTISING.

- BY, LIKE,
A COUPLE DOZEN DUDES.

- YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING
TO CALL

THAT JUMBOJOHNSON, ARE YOU?

- PROBABLY NOT.

- [sighs] IT'S NOT FAIR.

MY RETARDED BROTHER IS
A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME,

AND HE'S ALREADY SPROUTING
PIT HAIR.

- HEY, YOU'RE LUCKY.

AT LEAST YOU CAN FOOL AROUND AND
NOT WORRY ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL.

- [scoffs]
WHEN DID YOU EVER WORRY

ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL, ELLIE?

-IT'S EMBARRASSING.
I'M 13.

- COME ON, LET'S GET SLUTTY
AND HEAD OVER TO THE ARCADE,

TROLL FOR HIGH SCHOOL BOYS.
THAT'LL CHEER YOU UP.

[TV in background]

[knock at door]

- DOOR!

[knock at door]

DOOR!

[knock at door]

FRANK?

- WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

- IAN RAN AWAY,
LIP'S AT COLLEGE,

DEBBIE TOOK LIAM SOMEWHERE WITH
HER SKANKY GIRLFRIEND, HOLLY.

- [grunts]

[sighs]

FIONA?
- BEARS GAME.

SHE'S ------- SOME DUDE
FROM WORK.

WE GET FREE CUPS.

- [sighs]

WELL, UH, OKAY.

GOOD LUCK.

[crowd chattering]

- MM.
GREAT DIP, FIONA.

- THANKS.
- OH, IT LOOKS YUMMY.

ARTICHOKE?

- YEAH, AND JALAPENO.
- FAMILY RECIPE?

- YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

- YO, STICK!

CATCH!
- STICK?

- OH, WELL, MIKE WAS
A BIT OVERWEIGHT AS A KID.

- A BIT?

IF YOU PUSHED HIM OVER,
HE'D ROLL.

- SO WHEN HE STARTED LOSING
THE WEIGHT,

WE STARTED CALLING HIM STICK.
- THAT--THAT IS NOT WHY.

AND IT'S NOT "STICK."
IT'S "THE STICK."

- NO, NO.
NO.

- OKAY.
- DON'T TELL THAT STORY, JANE.

- SO HERE'S THE DEAL.

MIKEY'S FIRST GIRLFRIEND, EMILY,
FROM DOWN THE BLOCK...

- LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE.

- SHE WAS THIS, LIKE,
SCRAWNY, LITTLE GIRL

UNTIL ONE SUMMER, BOOM!

ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE'S GOT, LIKE,
THIS SMOKING LITTLE BOD.

- JANE, STOP IT.
- REMEMBER? [laughs]

- STOP WHAT?

- I'M JUST TELLING FIONA
ABOUT EMILY AND THE STICK.

- NO!
- SO ANYWAY...

- NO, COME ON.
- EMILY'S THIS GIRL.

SHE'S GOT LEGS, LIKE UP TO HERE,
AND MIKEY IS THIS, LIKE FAT...

- DON'T LISTEN TO
A WORD SHE SAYS.

SHE'S STILL JUST TRYING
TO GET EVEN WITH ME

FOR SENDING THAT CLIP IN TO
AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

- WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE THAT WAS
NOT FUNNY, MIKEY, SO...

- A COUPLE MILLION PEOPLE
THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, JANE.

- YOU WERE ON
FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS?

- YEAH, SHE USED TO, WHEN SHE
WAS A BABY, IMITATE OUR DOG.

- MIKE, WE HAVE A GUEST.

- ANYWAY--SO ANYWAY,
HERE'S THE DEAL.

SO EMILY COMES OVER
TO USE OUR POOL, RIGHT?

AND SHE'S GOT THIS, LIKE,
ITTY-BITTY, LITTLE BIKINI ON.

- ALL RIGHT.
- I BET YOU REMEMBER, DON'T YOU?

- ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
CHICKEN WAR!

COME ON. COME ON.
PIGGYBACK, COME ON.

- I WANT TO HEAR THE THING ABOUT
THE STICK!

- NO, YOU DON'T.
IT'S ALL LIES.

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON. READY?
- YEAH.

[hip hop music]
[screams]

- WHOA! HERE COMES MARSHALL,
STREAKING DOWN THE SIDELINE.

HOLY--THE SAFETY'S OUT
OF POSITION!

- [cheers]
[all cheering]

YES!
[all cheering]

[overlapping shouting]

♪ ♪

- [singing softly]

- HEY.

- HAY IS FOR HORSES.
- HUH?

- CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

OH, MY.

- YEAH.

- WELL, YOU GRAB HIS FEET,

AND I'LL GRAB THE TOP END.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

GENTLE, GENTLE.

[thud]
OOH, GOD!

OH, MY GOD, DOES HE SMELL.

HEADFIRST, HEADFIRST.

WHAT ABOUT THIS
AS AN UNDER--SCOOP UNDER?

OH!

OH. [sighs]

FRANK, YOU'RE FILTHY!
YOU'RE FILTHY!

♪ ♪

JESUS.

[grunts]

[grunting]

WOW.

[gasps]
DID SOMETHING JUST JUMP OFF HIM?

- BUGS, I THINK.

[arcade game noises]

- 3:00, PLAYING "THE SWARM."

- THERE ARE ONLY TWO.

- WE'RE NOT TROLLING FOR YOU AND
THE BABY BISCUIT, ELLIE.

ONLY PERVS ARE GONNA WANT
ANY PART OF THAT.

- WHICH ONE SHOULD I LIKE?

- YOU LIKE THE ONE IN
THE AUTOPSY HOODIE,

AND I'LL LIKE THE ONE WITH
THE WALLET CHAIN.

- SO WHAT DO WE DO, JUST WALK
OVER AND TALK TO THEM?

- [chuckles]
NO, HONEY.

WE CHUM THE WATERS,
WAIT FOR THE FISH TO BITE.

[laughs]
[game beeping]

- FIRST STAGE. HERE WE GO!
TEAR IT UP, Y'ALL.

READY, SET, STEP!
- [laughs]

- ♪ OH, WHEN THEY MET UNDER THE
SUMMER SKIES, THE SUMMER SKIES ♪

♪ THE SEASONS CHANGED ♪

♪ OUR HEARTS WILL STAY THE SAME,
YEAH, STAY THE SAME ♪

♪ WE GOT THAT BURNING FEELING ♪

♪ START A FIRE
YEAH, START A FIRE ♪

♪ GIVING A SHOUT, LET'S MAKE
IT HOT, COME ON, BABY ♪

♪ WE CAN HIT THE LIGHTS,
MAKE THE WRONGS TURN RIGHT ♪

♪ WE CAN SMASH THE CLUB,
MAKE THE POP GO RAW ♪

♪ WE'RE THE LOVE MYSTIQUE
WE DON'T NEED NO SLEEP ♪

♪ AND IT FEELS LIKE ♪

♪ WE COULD DO THIS ALL NIGHT ♪

♪ WE COULD DO THIS ALL NIGHT ♪

- HI.

- HI.
DEBBIE.

- MATTY. MATTY.

- ♪ WE GOT THE KEYS TO OPEN
PARADISE, YEAH, PARADISE ♪

♪ IT FEELS LIKE ♪

♪ WE COULD DO THIS ALL NIGHT ♪

- COME ON.

- OH, NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO--

[chuckles]
- ♪ IT FEELS LIKE ♪

♪ WE COULD DO THIS ALL NIGHT ♪

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
- UP, DOWN.

NO, YOU'RE DOING REALLY GOOD.

- YEAH? [laughs]
- BETTER THAN ME.

- ♪ COME ON BABY WE CAN ♪
- THAT'S IT.

YOU GOT IT.
- UP, DOWN.

- ♪ WE CAN DO THIS
ALL NIGHT ♪

- SHOULD WE GIVE HIM
ANOTHER BATH?

- WELL, THAT'S THREE ALREADY,

AND WE'RE KIND OF RUNNING OUT
OF SOAP.

- THESE ARE GLUTEN-FREE?

- THAT'S WHAT THE SIGN SAYS.

- AND VEGAN?
- SOY CHEESE, YEAH.

- WHAT ABOUT PEANUTS?

- UH, NO NUTS IN
THE SOY CHEESE PIZZA,

BUT I CAN'T PROMISE
THE COOK DIDN'T PUT

HIS ---- ON THE CHEESE PIZZA.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

YOU GUYS DONE WITH THESE?

YO, YOU DONE WITH THESE PLATES?

♪ ♪

- [speaking Spanish]
[Spanish playing on radio]

- [sighs]
AMEN, AMIGO.

JUST A BUNCH OF SPOILED
[speaking Spanish]

HEY, YOU BETTER NOT LET MANNY
SEE YOU DOING THAT.

- OH, WHAT'S HE GONNA DO,
FIRE ME?

IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY'RE ACTUALLY PAYING ME.

HERE.
♪ ♪

HEY, YOU WANT TO GET TOGETHER
SOMETIME, HANG OUT?

YOU KNOW,
I GOT SOME DECENT WEED.

- MM-MM.
SORRY, BUT I CAN'T, MAN.

I GOT TO GET HOME
TO THE ESPOSA AND NINOS.

- RIGHT.
- ANDREW, UH...[speaks Spanish]

- ----.

[speaks Spanish]
- [speaks Spanish]

- YOU GET SOMETHING TO EAT?

WHAT?

NO.
----, NO.

- TONY BROUGHT HIM BACK.

HE'S BEEN ASLEEP THE WHOLE TIME.

I TRIED TO WAKE HIM,
BUT HE'S OUT COLD.

- BELIEVE ME, HE'S NOT SLEEPING.

GREAT.

NOW THIS?
NEEDLES?

- HE'S REALLY SICK.
- OH, HE'S SICK, ALL RIGHT.

- I DON'T THINK
HE CAN MAKE IT DOWNSTAIRS.

HE WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE.
- NO.

- I DON'T GET A VOTE?
- NOT REALLY, NO.

I'M GONNA CALL KEV,
AND HE'S GONNA HELP ME FIND

A PARK BENCH SOMEWHERE FAR,
FAR AWAY TO DUMP HIM.

- HE'S DYING!
- NO, HE'S KILLING HIMSELF.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
- I CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM.

- NO.
- YES!

- NO!
- YES!

- FINE.

BUT YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME.
HE'S YOUR PUPPY.

HE MAKES A MESS ON THE RUG,
YOU'RE CLEANING IT UP.

- THANK YOU, SON.

[pins crash]
[people cheering, laughing]

[both laughing]
- YEAH, WHOO!

- IS HE YOURS?

- WHO?
- THE LITTLE KID.

- OH, NO.

BROTHER.
- OH, OKAY.

OKAY, I THOUGHT MAYBE
HE WAS, LIKE, YOURS.

[both chuckle]
- NO.

- DO YOU--DO YOU WANT A--
DO YOU WANT A RIDE HOME?

- [chuckles]
YOU HAVE A CAR?

- YEAH, YEAH.

NOT LIKE A--
IT'S NOT A VERY NICE ONE,

BUT YEAH--YEAH, I HAVE--
I HAVE A CAR.

- SURE.
- COOL.

- I'M JUST GONNA LET YOU,
LIKE, FINISH.

- ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY, JUST SHUT UP.

[laughter]

- WAIT, AM I FINISHING
MYSELF HERE?

- [laughs]
NO, I'LL--I'LL HELP YOU.

- OKAY, GOOD.

[laughter]
THAT'S GROSS.

- FOR CHRIST'S SAKE,
JUST ---- HER!

[laughter]

----.

[phone chirps]

- NIGHT, DEBBIE.

[Lettuce's Do It Like You Do]

♪ ♪

[phone chirps]
- ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

- ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

- ♪ AND NOBODY ELSE ♪

- [giggles]
- ♪ CAN DO IT LIKE YOU DO ♪

- ♪ [laughs] ♪
- ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

- ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

- ♪ AND NOBODY ELSE CAN
DO IT LIKE YOU DO ♪

- ♪ NOBODY CAN MAKE ME SMILE
LIKE YOU DO ♪

- OH.

YOU DIRTY, LITTLE CUP BOY.

- ♪ I NEED YOU ♪

- HEY, UP.

HEY, SCHOOL.

[sighs]

- WET DREAM?
- WHAT?

- I HEARD YOU MOANING
IN YOUR SLEEP.

YOU'RE A GALLAGHER.

IT GOES WITH THE OVER-SEXED
GLANDULAR GALLAGHER EQUIPMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU NOW, 10?
- 12.

- LATE BLOOMER.

IT'S NATURAL.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

[coughs]

THE BEST WAY
TO STAY AHEAD OF IT...

IS TO MASTURBATE
A FEW TIMES A DAY.

- MASTURBATE?

- UH, ENJOYING YOURSELF WHILE
YOU'RE AWAKE.

- OH, ------- ---.

- SIMPLE PLEASURES.

BUT NEVER IN THE SHOWER.

IT CAN GET ON A WASHCLOTH
AND INTO YOUR SISTERS.

THAT'S HOW INCEST BABIES
ARE BORN.

YOU KNOW, SON, I'M--I'M SICK.

I CAN'T DRINK ANYMORE,

BUT MY BODY STILL NEEDS ALCOHOL
TO FUNCTION PROPERLY.

IT'S LIKE OIL IN AN ENGINE.

THE PISTONS JUST WON'T FIRE
RIGHT WITHOUT IT.

MAYBE YOU COULD HUNT UP
SOME SUPPLIES FOR ME?

WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME, SON?

HELP THE OLD MAN OUT?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- [groans]
- MM.

- MM.
- MM-MM.

I'M SORRY, BABY.
I'M NOT FEELING SO GOOD.

- OH.

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
YOUR TEMPERATURE

WITH MY BIG, RED THERMOMETER?
- MM-MM, MY STOMACH.

BAD NIGHT.
- OH YEAH?

REALLY?

YOU SURE?

- I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

[door closes]
[retching]

- YOU KNOW, I TOLD YOU TO THROW
OUT THAT LEFTOVER VINDALOO.

- [retching]

HEY, "V"?
[knocks at door]

YOU OKAY?

YOU WANT ME
TO GET YOU SOMETHING?

A 7-UP OR A SHOT OF TEQUILA
OR SOMETHING?

- [groans]
- "V"?

- I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE,
HONEY.

CAN YOU--CAN YOU START SOME TEA
FOR ME, PLEASE?

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

YOU GOT TO BE -------- ME.

- THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY JUICE.
- IT'S PULP.

- WE CAN AFFORD PULP?

- YEAH.

GETTING A STEADY PAYCHECK,
COURTESY OF WORLDWIDE CUP.

- WHAT?

- DAD'S UPSTAIRS.
- SO?

- ARE YOU GONNA SAY HI?
- NO.

WHERE'S MY LUNCH?

- YOU'RE EACH GETTING $3 TO BUY
YOUR VERY OWN SCHOOL LUNCH.

- [sighs]
- FOUR?

- FIVE.

- FINE, NO PROBLEM.
FIVE IT IS.

THE GALLAGHER CLAN IS FLUSH.

WE'RE CREEPING UP ON
THE POVERTY LINE.

HAVEN'T QUITE DRAGGED OURSELVES
OVER IT YET,

BUT AT LEAST WE CAN SEE IT
FROM HERE.

HEY, DISHES TO THE SINK.

- IT'S MORE LIKE SIX
IF YOU WANT CHIPS.

- HOW ABOUT WE SKIP THE CHIPS?

- [gasps]
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.

- MORNING.

- GOT A BUSY DAY TODAY.

GONNA TACKLE
THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.

THAT'LL BE A CHALLENGE.
[laughs]

GOOD THING I ATE MY WHEATIES.

- WHAT'S UP WITH FRANK
THIS MORNING?

- STILL LOOKS BAD.
- YEAH?

DO I HAVE TO PADLOCK HIM IN
THE ROOM FOR THE DAY?

- I DON'T THINK HE CAN GET UP.

- I DON'T WANT HIM
WANDERING AROUND,

GOING THROUGH MY STUFF, PAWNING
THE MICROWAVE AND THE TV.

- WHAT IF HE HAS TO USE
THE BATHROOM?

- DON'T FORGET TO EMPTY IT WHEN
YOU GET BACK FROM SCHOOL.

- I DON'T EVEN THINK
THAT'S MINIMUM WAGE, MAN.

THERE'S GOT TO BE, LIKE,
A LAW OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

- YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE
THERE IS,

BUT I DON'T THINK
IT COVERS ---- ----.

- 12 BUCKS A ----, THAT'S WHAT
SHE MAKES ON A ------- GOOD DAY.

- JESUS, REALLY?

I'VE BEEN PAYING 30 AT
THAT THAI PLACE.

- YEAH, BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE
SASHA CHARGES THE CUSTOMERS

A ---- TON MORE AND THEN

DEDUCTS ALL THIS STUFF FROM
THE GIRLS' PAY.

LAUNDRY, RENT, JANITORIAL,
UTILITIES.

SHE CHARGES THEM FOR THE PURELL
AND MOUTHWASH.

- THEY NEED A UNION
TO PROTECT THEIR RIGHTS.

- YEAH, THE INTERNATIONAL
BROTHERHOOD

OF ---- -------
AND ---- -------.

I'D LOVE TO SEE THAT SIGN ON
THE SIDE OF A BUILDING DOWNTOWN.

- WHY NOT?

- HEY, IT'D MAKE ONE HELL OF
A PICKET SIGN, THOUGH, HUH?

"WHORES UNITED FOR
HANDY JAY JUSTICE."

- ------- OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
[laughter]

- YOU HEARD FROM GALLAGHER?
- FRANK? NO.

- I THOUGHT FRANK WAS DEAD.

- NOT ------- FRANK.
THE OTHER ONE, THE REDHEAD.

- IAN?
NO, HE TOOK OFF.

WHAT, DID HE OWE YOU MONEY
OR SOMETHING?

HELLO.
WHO?

ANYBODY KNOW A MR. PHILLIPS?

NO, SORRY, PAL.

OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
HOLD ON, YEAH.

UM, HOLD ON.

[changes voice]
UH, YEAH, THIS IS MR. PHILLIPS.

[chuckles]

THANKS.

YEAH, I'LL BE OVER LATER.

- WHAT?

- STAN.
HE'S SICK.

I GOT TO GO TO THE HOME
AFTER WORK.

- WHO THE ---- IS STAN?

- THE GUY WHO OWNS THE BAR.

- A LEGEND AMONG LOAN SHARKS.

BROKE MORE KNEECAPS IN HIS DAY

THAN ANY OTHER SHYLOCK ON
THE SOUTH SIDE.

- HELL OF A GUY.

- TO STAN.
- YEAH, STAN.

- TO STAN.
- TO STAN.

- HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

- WELL, WHEN A MAN'S PENIS GOES
INTO A WOMAN'S--

- YEAH, I GOT THAT PART.
I MEAN, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE NOW,

AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE TRIED FOR
THE LAST TWO YEARS?

- MOTHER NATURE CAN BE
A TRICKY BITCH SOMETIMES.

WHAT, DID YOU THINK
YOU WERE JUST GAINING WEIGHT

IN YOUR BREASTS WHILE
YOU MISSED YOUR PERIOD?

- I EAT A LOT WHEN
I'M UNDER STRESS.

- YOU'VE BEEN UNDER STRESS?

- WATCHING MY HUSBAND ----
MY MOTHER?

YEAH, THAT'S BEEN
A BIT STRESSFUL.

- WELL, ALL OF THAT'S
BEHIND YOU NOW.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY PREGNANT.

THIS IS GOOD NEWS, VERONICA.

[rock music]

[children chattering]

♪ ♪

- GOOD MORNING.

- SECRET ADMIRER?
- I GUESS SO.

- MAYBE NOT THAT SECRET ANYMORE.

- REALLY?

- DAVE IN SHIPPING SAW YOU TWO
AT THE BEARS GAME YESTERDAY,

INSTAGRAMED A PHOTO.

EVERYBODY IN THE COMPANY
FOLLOWS HIM.

- WERE WE DOING SOMETHING
EMBARRASSING?

- THE KISS CAM, I THINK.

- MORNING.

GO BEARS, HUH?

- UH, I AM ALMOST DONE WITH

THE QUARTERLY MIDWEST
REGIONAL REPORTS.

CAN I GET THEM
TO YOU AFTER LUNCH?

- NO SWEAT.
- GREAT. [sighs]

WHAT?

- YOU'VE BEEN WORKING HERE
THREE MONTHS AS OF TODAY.

- WOW, THREE MONTHS?
REALLY?

THAT'S GREAT.
- AFTER 90 DAYS,

YOUR FULL BENEFITS KICK IN,
MEDICAL, DENTAL, PENSION.

- REALLY?
THAT'S FANTASTIC.

- SO NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE TALK.

- THE TALK?
- THE 401K TALK.

HAVE YOU DECIDED WHICH PLAN
YOU'D LIKE TO ADOPT?

- WHAT'S A 401K?

- YOUR RETIREMENT SAVINGS PLAN.

YOU'RE ELIGIBLE TO PARTICIPATE.

EVERY MONTH, YOU DEPOSIT PART OF
YOUR SALARY INTO YOUR 401K,

AND THE COMPANY MATCHES IT,
TAX-FREE.

- DEPOSIT PART OF MY SALARY?

- BUT THE BIG DECISION IS
THE ASSET ALLOCATION MIX

YOU DECIDE TO ELECT.

MONEY MARKET FUNDS,
BONDS, STOCKS,

LARGE CAP, SMALL CAP,
TREASURIES.

YOU DECIDE THE RISK PROFILE
YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE,

GET YOUR ELECTIVE DEFERRAL
DOCUMENTS NOTARIZED,

AND YOU'LL BE ALL SET.

EASY PEASY.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- [clears throat]

HEY, YOU'RE THE HELPER GUY,
RIGHT?

- THE T.A., YEAH.

- YEAH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
MY GRADE ON THIS PAPER.

- THAT WOULD BE A "D."

- YEAH, NO, THANKS, I GET THAT.
UM, BUT WHY?

I MEAN, I MISSPELLED TENNYSON
OR SOMETHING?

- [sighs]
UH, YEAH, I REMEMBER THIS ONE.

I GRADED IT.

- OH, YOU--YOU GRADED IT,
NOT THE PROFESSOR?

- TENURED PROFESSORS DON'T GRADE
FRESHMAN CLASS SURVEY PAPERS.

- OKAY, SO IF YOU GRADED IT,
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH IT?

- UH, IT SUCKED.

- IT--IT SUCKED?

UM, LOOK, I-I COVERED EVERYTHING
THE ASSIGNMENT ASKED FOR.

- IT WAS FACILE AND GLIB.

YOU DANCED AROUND
AND YOU TRIED TO BE CLEVER,

BUT THERE WERE
NO COMPELLING INSIGHTS

OR ANY ATTEMPT
AT ORIGINAL THOUGHT.

- OH, ORIGINAL THOUGHT
ON BYRON'S

CHILDE HAROLD'S PILGRIMAGE?
- [sighs]

- LOOK, NOBODY'S HAD AN ORIGINAL
THOUGHT ON CHILDE HAROLD

SINCE QUEEN VICTORIA
WAS STILL GETTING LAID.

- LOOK, THIS WAS CRAP, OKAY?
YOU THREW IT TOGETHER.

YOU THOUGHT NOBODY WOULD NOTICE,
BUT I NOTICED.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING
THIS CLASS ANYWAY?

- BECAUSE IT WAS
THE ONLY FRESHMAN ENGLISH CLASS

AVAILABLE AFTER NOON.
- [scoffs]

WELL, LOOK, YOU GOT ANOTHER WEEK
TO ADD/DROP

BEFORE YOU'RE STUCK IN HERE,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK ANY
HARDER THAN THIS PIECE OF ----,

I SUGGEST YOU FIND YOURSELF
ANOTHER COURSE.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[knocks at door]

- YO, STAN.

I HEAR YOU'RE NOT FEELING
SO GOOD.

STAN.

STAN.

HEY, WHAT THE ----, MAN?
HE'S DEAD!

- WHICH ONE?
- STAN! STAN KOPCHEK!

- YEAH.
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

YOU FAMILY?
- NO--YEAH--SORT OF.

- YEAH, WELL, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO TELL PEOPLE OVER THE PHONE

WHEN A PATIENT DIES,
SO WE USUALLY JUST SAY

THEY AIN'T FEELING GOOD.
[video game beeps]

- HE'S ------- COLD!

- JOAQUIN, HE AIN'T NEVER SHOW
UP FOR HIS OVERNIGHT SHIFT,

SO WE DON'T KNOW HOW LONG HE'S
BEEN LAYING UP IN THERE, DEAD.

YOU GOT A MORTUARY YOU NEED ME
TO CALL FOR YOU?

PICK UP THE BODY?
[video game beeps]

- HI.

- HOW'S FRANK?
YOU HEAR ANYTHING OUT OF HIM?

- NO, NO.
NO, NOT A PEEP.

- I GOT THE STUFF YOU WANTED,
COOKING SPRAY, FUNNEL.

- I HAVE THESE THINGS IN
MY THROAT THAT BLEED

IF I TRY TO SWALLOW ALCOHOL,

SO I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT OTHER
WAYS TO GET IT INTO MY SYSTEM.

- YOU CAN'T JUST STOP?
- NO.

I GET THE SHAKES, VERY BAD.
I COULD DIE.

I HAVE TO STOP DRINKING SLOWLY,
OVER TIME.

SO WE JUST HOOK UP
THIS HANDY-DANDY CONTRAPTION.

ALCOHOL GOES IN THIS BAG,

THIS GOES UP THE POOP CHUTE,
AND VOILA.

MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GET BOOZE
INTO A GALLAGHER.

DO--DO ME A FAVOR,
WILL YOU, SON?

GO DOWN TO THE KITCHEN AND SEE
WHAT FIONA'S GOT DOWN THERE.

BEER, WINE.
THE HARD STUFF WORKS BEST,

BUT ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY
FLAMMABLE WILL WORK.

- HELLO.

HO--HOW YOU DOING?

- GOOD.
YOU?

- GOOD.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- YOU'RE PREGNANT?
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

WE CAN'T AFFORD
TO HAVE TWO BABIES.

WE'RE BARELY GONNA BE ABLE
TO AFFORD TO HAVE ONE.

- HAVE YOU TOLD KEV YET?
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM?

- OH, SHE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE
AN ABORTION.

I CAN'T HAVE HER NASTY,
KEV-MAMA BABY STARING UP AT ME,

NOT WITH MY OWN KEV BABY
ON MY HIP.

I'LL JUST END UP HATING
THE MAMA BABY

AND ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE
RUN OVER IT IN THE DRIVEWAY.

- [laughs]
[phone chirps]

IT'S MIKE.
- OOH.

- HE WANTS ME TO COME OVER
TO HIS PLACE TONIGHT,

CELEBRATE MY THREE MONTHS
AT THE COMPANY.

- OH, CELEBRATE HOW,
BY HAVING YOU SIT ON HIS ----?

- YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

- YOU REALLY HAVEN'T SLEPT
WITH HIM?

- NO, BUT I PROBABLY
SHOULD SOON.

HE'S ALREADY WELL PAST
THE WHOLE 2 GRAND IN MEALS THING

FOR ME HAVING TO PUT OUT.

- YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE
A CHORE.

- I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY,

BUT HE'S MY BOSS, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENS IF
WE BREAK UP?

- YOU ALREADY GAVE HIM
A ---- ---.

I THINK YOU LONG PAST
THE "WHAT IF WE BREAK UP" POINT.

- YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

- YOU SHOULD GO.
I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON THE KIDS.

I NEED THE KID PRACTICE NOW.
- YEAH, TIMES TWO.

- UGH.
- [panting]

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL BE--
I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW.

I CAN TACKLE
THIS WHOLE KITCHEN AREA.

IT MAY TAKE A FEW DAYS, BUT I
WILL MAKE THIS KITCHEN MY BITCH.

NOW, GOOD NIGHT.

[door closes]

- YOU HIRED SHEILA
TO BE YOUR MAID?

- NO, SHE'S JUST BEEN
HANGING AROUND.

I THINK SHE'S LONELY.
- HMM.

- SO WHEN ARE
YOU GONNA TELL KEV?

- MM, I FIGURED
I'D GIVE IT A BIT,

SEE IF THIS THING'S
STILL HANGING AROUND

AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

I HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN
FERTILE GROUND

FOR PLANTING LITTLE,
BABY KEV SEEDLINGS.

- YOU GOT TO TELL HIM, "V."

IT'S NOT FAIR TO KEEP IT
A SECRET.

----.
- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

- I THOUGHT
WE HAD SOME WINE LEFT.

DID THE TWO OF US FINISH OFF

AN ENTIRE GALLON OF BOX WINE
THE OTHER NIGHT?

- HOLD IT UP NICE AND HIGH.

OKAY, OPEN THE VALVE.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[people chattering]
♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[alarms beep]

♪ ♪

[alarms beep]
[people chattering]

[Paw City's Canyons]

♪ ♪

- HEY, BABE, ARE YOU STRAIGHT?

- YEAH, I'M GOOD.

- COME HERE.
- [laughs]

- [sighs]
[laughter]

- OH, CHRIST.

CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR!

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE
THAT -------- ----.

----!
♪ ♪

- ♪ I'M SWINGING UP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE THE CANYONS ♪

♪ I'M SWINGING UP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE THE CANYONS ♪

♪ I'M SWINGING UP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE THE CANYONS ♪

♪ I'M SWINGING UP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE THE CANYONS ♪

♪ I'M SWINGING UP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE THE CANYONS ♪

♪ I'M SWINGING UP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE THE CANYONS ♪

♪ I'M SWINGING UP ♪

♪ I WANT TO SEE THE CANYONS ♪

♪ I'M ♪

- [grunts]

- OH, ----!

AH, ----!

[grunts]
----.

[knock at door]

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEAH.

I SLIPPED.

- HURRY UP.
I NEED TO USE THE TOILET.

[maudlin music]

♪ ♪

- BLESS US, O LORD, AND THESE
THY GIFTS, WHICH WE ARE ABOUT

TO RECEIVE THROUGH THE BOUNTY
OF CHRIST, OUR LORD, AMEN.

MAY THE LORD PROVIDE FOR
THE WANTS OF OTHERS.

♪ ♪

- [moaning]

OH.
OH, GOD.

OH.
- [sighs]

- OH, GOD.
[sighs]

THAT WAS GREAT.
THANK YOU.

- [laughs]
- YOU WERE GREAT.

YOU ARE GREAT.
[chuckles]

[sighs]

OH.

HEY, DO YOU, UH--

DO YOU NEED ME TO DO ANYTHING--
SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOU?

- WHAT?

- WELL, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
TOUCH YOU OR WHATEVER.

- [laughs]

NO.
NO, I'M--I'M GOOD.

- THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
- [chuckles]

- [sighs]

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I'M GONNA GO GET THAT

BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE THAT
I PROMISED YOU.

- I'VE GOT TO GO HOME.
- NO.

- IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

- NO, NO, NO.
COME ON, ONE GLASS.

THAT'S NOT GONNA KILL YOU.

PLUS, YOU KNOW, THE GUY AT THE
STORE SAID IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

- [chuckles]
JUST PRETTY GOOD?

- YEAH, WELL,
REALLY GOOD IS, LIKE,

A MONTH OF MY CAR LEASE
OR SOMETHING.

- [clicks tongue]
- ONE GLASS. ONE GLASS.

- ONE GLASS.
- YES.

- [sighs]

- [laughs]

[car approaches]

[both laugh nervously]

- WELL, THANKS FOR DINNER.
I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I LOVE PANDA EXPRESS.

- YEAH, ME, TOO.
I DO, TOO.

- I LIKE YOU.
- [laughs]

I-I LIKE YOU, TOO.

[both laugh]

- [sighs]
[sirens pass]

- UM...

OH, IS--IS THAT YOUR DAD?

- UH, NO, A FRIEND OF
MY SISTER'S.

HE'S NICE.

- YEAH, HE--HE LOOKS NICE.

[TV in background]

- I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK
DEBBIE'S SITTING OUT FRONT

IN A CAR WITH SOME DUDE.

- THIS DUDE LOST, LIKE,
200 POUNDS,

AND HE STILL LOOKS LIKE
A BEACHED WHALE.

OH, JEEZ.
LOOK AT ALL THAT EXTRA SKIN.

YOU COULD CUT IT OFF
AND MAKE A SUITCASE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER HERE?

- WATCHING THE KIDS WHILE
FIONA'S OUT WITH MIKE.

- [sighs]

- STAN DIED.

- WHAT?

- [sighs] THEY CALLED ME FROM
THE NURSING HOME.

I GOT TO GO TO THE MORTUARY
TOMORROW MORNING

AND PICK OUT A CASKET
AND ALL THAT STUFF.

- OH, BABY, I'M SO SORRY.

- SO, GOOD NIGHT.

- YEAH.
YEAH, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

- HEY, DEBS.

[sighs]

I'M PREGNANT.

- WHAT?

I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID
YOU'RE PREGNANT.

- I DID.

- HOLY ----, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YES, BUT WE SHOULDN'T GET
OUR HOPES UP.

- HOLY ----!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TWO?

ARE YOU ------- WITH ME?
- NO.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

BABY!
- I KNO--

[both laughing]
BABY!

- OH.
- [laughs]

[bed rocking]

[thud]

- CARL.
[bed rocking]

SON.

PROBABLY WANT TO GO
A LITTLE EASIER.

HOLD IT LIKE AN EGG.

- IT'S NOT WORKING.

- MAYBE YOU NEED
TO GIVE IT A REST.

HOW MANY TIMES IS THAT TODAY?

- NINE.
- NINE.

YOU'RE GONNA WEAR
THE POOR THING OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU USING
FOR LUBRICATION?

- LUBRICATION?

- YOU DON'T USE LUBRICANT,
YOU GET BLISTERS.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

[bed starts rocking]

CARL, HOW ABOUT WHEN
I'M NOT IN THE ROOM?

- YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE ROOM.

- BATHROOM THEN.

[door opens, closes]

- [sighs]

COME ON, BABY, JUST A TASTE.

I JUST WANT A LITTLE TASTE.

L'CHAIM.

[coughing]

[coughing]

[sighs]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- HEY, WHERE YOU BEEN?
DINNER'S ALMOST READY.

- COSTCO.

- COSTCO?
WHY?

- I NEEDED SOMETHING.

♪ ♪