Cracking the Codes: Joy DeGruy, A Trip to the Grocery Store

- My sister-in-law

who's half Black, half white,
but looks white,

blue eyes, whiter than most
white folks, very white,

she and I, you know, we
kinda grew up together.

We raised our children together,
so they're first cousins.

And it's wonderful, very,
very multi-cultural family.

So we're going into
Safeway one day,

and Kathleen, my sister-in-law,
is in front of me.

She's writing a check
for her groceries.

Now, my daughter who, at the
time, was 10 years old

was standing with me and
I was directly behind her,

getting ready to get
my groceries,

so Kathleen comes up and
the checker who was

a strawberry-blonde, freckled,

very delightful warm, you know,
the checker, this young woman

is talking to Kathleen,
"Hey, how are you doing?

"isn't it a nice day today?"
They're just chatting up

and she says, yes, so Kathy
writes her check and she steps

off to the side with her groceries
because she's waiting for me.

Of course, again, Kathleen
looks white, right?

So, I come up.

No conversation,
she looks up at me…

Absolutely no,
just little chatter.

And I write my check,
my daughter, however, is 10

notices immediately the
difference in how

she responds to me.

So I write my check and she
goes: "I'm going to need

"two pieces of ID."

At which point my daughter looks
at me and she gets very, very

embarrassed and tears are kind
of coming up in her eye like,

Mommy, you're not gonna…

You're not gonna let her do this,
why is she doing this to us, right?

So, I'm trying to figure out
what I should do because

behind me are two elderly white
women, right, and I'm thinking,

okay, so then I become
the angry Black woman.

And they're going to be,
and I just, I'm just trying to

second guess all the drama.

So then, I just give her the
two pieces of ID, I say,

you know, some things, you've
got to choose your battles.

And then, it gets worse.

She pulls out the bad check book.

So, this is the book that shows
the people who have

written bad checks.

So she starts searching for my
license in the bad checks,

at which point, it's just
of of control now.

Just as I'm standing there
trying to decide what to do,

and it's really, deeply
humiliating and now my daughter

is in full-blown emotionally
upset, who's 10.

My sister-in-law walks back over
and she steps in and she says,

"Excuse me,
why are you doing this?"

And they checker goes, "Well,
what do you--what do you mean?"

She goes, "Why are you taking
her through all of these changes?

"Why are you doing that?"

She goes,
"Well, this is our policy."

She goes, "No, it's not your
policy because you didn't

"do that with me."

"Oh well, I know you,
you've been--"

She goes, "No, no, she's been
here for years, I've only lived

"here for three months."

And so, at this point, the two
white, elderly ladies go,

"Oh, I can't believe what this
checker has done with this woman

"that is totally unacceptable!"
At which point, the manager

walks over.

So the manager walks over and
says, "Is there a problem here?"

And then, my sister-in-law,
again, responds, she goes,

"Yes, there is a problem here.
Here is what happened."

So, you see, she used her white
privilege and even though

Kathleen is half Black and
half white, she recognizes

what that means and
she made the statement,

she pointed out the injustice,
and she, as a result of that

one act, influenced everyone
in that space.

But what would've happened,
I can't know for certain,

had the Black woman said,
"This is unfair!

"Why are you doing this to me?"
Would it have had the same impact?

But Kathleen knew that she
walked through the world

differently than I did and
she used her white privilege

to educate and make right a
situation that was wrong.

That's what you can do,
every single day.