SNL S41E07 - Close Encounter

Three people (Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong, Ryan Gosling) share very different stories about their alien abduction.

I'm agent Morris with the NSA,
and this is special agent Kirkpatrick.

Now we know you've all
been through quite an ordeal,

so we appreciate you making the trip
to Washington on such short notice.

Yes, you three experienced the first
verified case of alien abduction,

so naturally you are of great interest
to the United States government.

This is nuts man, I mean--

[laughter]

We're just small town buds who
saw a UFO in the woods, I mean,

now we are hanging
out with the government.

Okay.

Now after the blue light pulled you into
the spacecraft, what is your next memory?

I came to and saw a beautiful being,
made of like a beautiful calming light.

Yeah, same here, that being touched my
head and I felt every emotion in its purest form.

It was amazing; I cried, sir.

Okay, and you Miss Rafferty?

Wow, what floor were you guys on?

I woke up in a dirty metal dome and 40 little
grey aliens watched me pee in a steel bowl.

[audience laughing]

Then they took the bowl, walked out.

[audience laughing]

Interesting, were these
beings also bathed in light?

Uh no, nope, they were grey with
big fat eyes and little mouths.

They just stared while I peed.

[audience laughing]

I don't think I was dealing with the top brass.

[audience laughing]

And how did they instruct you to urinate?

Was that telepathically?

Uh, no, no.

I woke up, I had to pee like a
camel, so I started peeing,

and one of the grey aliens slapped
the wall and pointed at the bowl.

So I got the hint, I kind of duck-walked
over to the bowl and peed in there.

[audience laughing]

Yes, I, I see.

Now when you all awoke were you clothed?

Um, I was wrapped in like, a robe
made out of warm, glowing energy.

Yeah, like a blanket made out of pure love.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, a little different for me.

[audience laughing]

I uh, I had my shirt I came in
with, but my pants were gone.

[audience laughing]

So uh, my coot-coot was out.

[audience laughing]

I was full porky pigging it in a drafty dome.

[audience laughing]

Now did you all stay on the
same ship the entire time or--

Well, you know my body did,

but my consciousness was shown
what lies beyond time and space.

It was so beautiful, I'm sorry I'm just
crying about--just thinking about it a little bit.

Do you need a tissue?

What?

No that's alright, I'll just, I'll use my shirt.

Um, the alien showed my mind the furnace
of all creation, what we would call God.

WHAT?

[audience laughing]

These fancy cats are seeing God,
meanwhile, I'm starting phase two,

which is me sitting on a stool,

while 40 grey aliens take turns
gently batting my knockers around.

[audience laughing]

Did y'all get the knockers stuff?

Um, no, no knockers stuff.

Sorry.

And did you feel threatened Miss Raferty?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[audience laughing]

They were, uh, they were real respectful
about it, they were, they were in a line,

and then, uh, one by one they would step up,
slap a knocker, then go to the end of the line,

wait for another turn.

It didn't hurt it was like--
I'm sorry pardon me Sharon.

It was kind of like that.

[audience laughing]

No harm, no foul.

Ow, ow that hurts.

That hurts.

Um, perhaps they were
collecting biological data?

No, nope, that felt super off the books.

[audience laughing]

I swear to God there was one grey
alien by the door just kind of peeking.

[audience laughing]

I think he was the lookout.

[audience laughing]

Look, it wasn't my worst Wednesday night.

[audience laughing]

And how did the aliens return you all to Earth?

Wow, I was carried down gently.
[audience laughing in background]

He's crying.

I was carried down gently in a cradle of
light and placed into a soft bed of wildflowers.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, yep, the light laid me down like
a baby in a meadow near my house.

I was smiling and weeping tears of joy, sir.

All right well now this missed me a little bit.

[audience laughing]

Because, uh, my grand exit was out of what
was basically like a big airplane toilet, okay?

[audience laughing]

I, uh, shoot--I dropped down seven feet
on the roof of a Long John Silver's.

[audience laughing]

They threw out my pants
separately, they missed the roof.

My slacks landed in a freaking
pine tree, 30 feet away.

So I had to just chill up there with my damn
coot-coot and prune shoe hanging out

until the place opened up.

[audience laughing]

Man ...

Man, you got screwed.

Oh, you think Todd?

Well we'd like to take you guys
for physical examinations now.

Yeah, all right, is there gonna be
any knocker stuff?

[audience laughing]

Um, possibly, I'm sorry.

Ah, nah, don't be, just be gentle
because they're pretty banged up.

Tell me about God, what's God's deal?

[cheering]

Thanks for watching and
remember to subscribe.

Now it's laser time!

♪♪