Blackadder - Back and Forth

"Well, isn't this splendid and absolutely tufty?

New Years' Eve 1999, a new century and a new milenium,

Let's drink a big slurpy toast to peace and understanding around the globe!"

"Bravo! After all, if history teaches us anything, it is, in the words of Saint Burt,

What the world needs now, is Love, sweet love "

Hear, hear!

Total codswallop! If history has taught us anything,

it is that the story of man is one long round of death and torture,

and burning people as witches just because they've got a wart.

I'm sorry about the food, by the way. Unfortunately my cook got invited to an orgy

at Delia Smiths' house, and so our chef for the evening

is the man who cleans out the sceptic tank. Baldrick!

"My Lord"

"God save us!"

"I trust you're all enjoying your food?"

"No we're not, actually Baldrick. What is this we're eating?

"It tastes as if someone with a bad chest cold has taken

two spoonfuls of benylin to loosen the phlegm

and then coughed all over an avocado!"

"Well (coughs) funny you should say that sir, because..."

"Alright Baldrick, thank you, yes, you may go now.

I believe you've got some other duties to attend to..."

"Oh yes, excuse me please everybody"

"Now, where were we?"

"We were bally well toasting the future!"

"Yes, and I suppose it would be a perfect time to look to the past"

"How on earth should we look to the past?

You can't see something that has already happened...

"Unless you're on the lavatory!"

"Good point Bish!"

"Well unless one has got a time machine"

"How likely is that?"

"Well very likely actually, Darling, because I have just built one"

"Stuff and nonsense! I've heard some rubbish in my time,

everytime I open my mouth as a matter of fact,

but a time machine? It's just cobblers!"

"I can assure you it is not. this is an original sketch book by Leonardo da Vinci,

and in the last year, I myself have built a time machine to his exact specifications.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel

since Mr Rodney Tricycle thought to himself I'm bored with walking,

I think I'll invent a machine with three wheels and a bell

and name it after myself....

Behold, the Time Machine!"

Well glaze my nipples and call me Rita!"

"It can't be real, Blackadder, it's a practical joke, surely"

"Certainly not, when was the last time I played a practical joke?"

"Well there was the time you said you were dying of kidney failure,

and I donated one of my kidneys to save your life

and then you said it was an April fool

and we had to throw my kidney away"

Well yes, there has been the odd hilarious practical joke, but not this time.

This is a working Time Machine and to prove it, I suggest a wager.

I will bet you each ten thousand pounds that I can travel through time

and bring back any items of historical interest which you choose to nominate. Darling?

"Well yes, alright, if you can travel through time

I'll pay up, so long as you bring back a genuine Roman centurians' helmet"

"Well, a Roman centurians' helmet

"Well that's too easy,

What about the actual wellingtons actually worn

by Wellington on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo?

"Lady Elizabeth would like the actual wellingtons worn

by the Duke of Wellington on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo.

Anyone else?"

"Oh yes, I've got one, I want you to get,

I'd like to see you get your hands on these, an ancient reeking,

stinking pair of 200 year old underpants.

18th century botty huggers, that's the ticket!"

"Very well, I shall be on my way. This will of course take no time in your time,

I shall merely step in, there shall be a momentary shuddering,

and I will emerge triumphant. Farewell, dear friends!

"Well done Balders, this is very impressive,

I'm sorry I didn't have enough time to build it myself"

"Don't worry my Lord, I followed Mr da Vincis' instructions to the letter!"

Even though you can't actually read"

"That's right my Lord, but I have done a lot of Airfix models in my time"

"Right, that's a Roman Centurians' helmet, good,

now the boots, the underpants, where are the underpants?"

"Oh, here you are my Lord, they're my very best pair,

and coincidentally, my very worse"

"So they are in fact your only pair of underpants"

That's right my Lord"

"OH! Put them in the bag! God! phew oh strewth! Right, let's get all this stuff going"

"Right my Lord"

"Right, shake it about a bit, and it'll be the best New Years' Eve prank ever"

"Here we go, you hide there, thirty thousand pounds here I come!

....Right...interesting"

"What's happening my Lord? "

""Well...for Gods' sake do something Baldrick!"

"Aaaaaargh!"

"Something useful! Come on throw something, shoo, go away....sod off!

"Aaaargh!Arrrrrgh!"

"The underpants, try the underpants...

Bloody brontosaurus...him, not me!"

"Sniff my skids!

"Fascinating...one of the mysteries solved...

The dinosaurs were actually wiped out by your pants....

Well Balders, this is a turn up for the books!

You have built a working time machine.

You are , therefore , the greatest genius that has ever lived"

"Thank you very much my Lord!"

"Right, let's get out of here!"

"No problem my Lord"

"Did you set the date, so we can get home?"

"Yes turn that there, that there, reset that,

pull this lever like that and the date should come up,

but unfortunately it doesn't because I was going to write the numbers on

in felt tip pen but I never got round to it"

Right, so the date we're heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries"

"That's right my Lord"

"In other words, we can't get home"

"Not as such"

Excellent. Rather a spectacular return to form

after the genius moment, Baldrick.

Still, I think someone with common sense

should be able to resolve this. All we've got to do is put these controls back

to exactly where they were when we first set off...

I think that was about there, these were here and here and there...

that should get us home. Excellent, you threw away our winning items,

but at least we're home.

Typical, they must have got bored and gone back for pudding

...right, now you're not going to believe this, but......."

Ah, Lord Blackadder!"

"Elizabeth the first?"

"You're wearing very weird clothes, and you're looking rather old and ugly, actually"

"Is that right?

"Of course it's right, I'm always right!"

"Of course she's right"

"Melchie"

"Ma'm"

Edmund is being very cheeky, shall I laugh at him, or chop his ugly head off?"

"Well one hates to be harsh ma'm

but I do think a bit of choppy choppy is the only apt action"

"Very well, Kill him! Unless of course Eddy, you've got a present for me"

"A present? Yes a present, certainly your majesty. A present, um..."

"Quickly! I'm getting bored now"

"Ah yes, now these may not look much, but..."

"They don't"

No, but um, well let's say that there was a place

where you could buy absolutely everything"

"They already have those, Blackadder, they're called markets"

"Right, well imagine that, but times ten, as it were a 'super'market.

Now if you gave someone at one of these supermarkets this, he would give you some bonus points, which would mean that once a month, you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price"

he would give you some bonus points, which would mean that once a month, you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price"

you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price"

Kill him!"

"Oh, what are they?"

"Oh, they're just sort of sweets, minty things"

"I want one!

"Yes, your Majesty"

"Oh, it's got a hole in it"

"Yes, they're meant to be like that, that's how they are made"

"You are so naughty... it's the tastiest thing in the history of the world!

Try one Melchie, what do you think?"

"Yes indeed Ma'am, they are most pleasant! Ha ha"

"This is incredible because you know Smelchie,

the way you smell so bad usually like you've eaten a whole stoat for breakfast"

"Well I am aware that I do have an unorthodox mouthful odour, yes ma'am"

"You don't smell like that any more, you smell absolutely yummy now and not at all like a turd"

"Oh what a pity"

Well done, Blackie! Here, take this, you sexy flirt!"

"Thank you ma'am"

"Now go forth, and bring back much more minty things

in the next 5 minutes or I'll come after you

and I'll crush your skull like an egg !"

Certainly, your Majesty, I'll be right back, thank you very much"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I am sorry... wait a minute, you're not.."

"Will Shakespeare, yes...don't say it, I know,

you hated 'Two Gentlemen of Verona",

but this one's much better"

"Well bugger my giddy aunt, you couldn't just sign something for me could you?

Well certainly,

Sorry, it's just a biro...thank you, and just one more thing...

that is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years.

Have you any idea how much suffering you're going to cause?

Hours spent at school desks trying to find one joke in 'A Midsummers' Night Dream'...

years wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like

"what ho my Lord " and " here comes Othello talking total crap as usual...

oh and that is for Ken Brannaghs' endless uncut 4 hour version of Hamlet."

"Who's Ken Brannagh?"

"I'll tell him you said that, and I think he'll be very hurt"

Right let's get out of here Balders"

"Certainly my Lord"

"By the way, if we're lucky enough ever to get out of this alive.."

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Remind me to kill you"

"Oh alright my Lord"

"Now it was down here when we were at the dinosaurs

it's in the middle now so why don't we try it here...

that should do the trick...

um yes, I suspect that's a little too far forward....

back, back, back!

Oh God, where are we now?"

"Oh dear, do you think it's safe?"

"I don't know, does this look like a dangerous place to you, Baldrick? This empty wood?"

"Well, well what have we here, my tough band of freedom fighters,

who have good muscle tone and aren't gay"

"Oh God!"

Good Lord, we've captured Lord Blackadder"

"Wait a minute, are you Robin Hood?"

"Am I Robin Hood?

Is Will Scarlett a poof in tights?

Is Friar Tuck a fat tub of lard with a ridiculous haircut?

Is Maid Marion a hot little honey with thighs

like two halves of a nutcracker?"

Yes I am"

"WOOF!"

"Well yes, it's nice to meet you at last,

because there's one question I've always wanted to ask you"

"Fire away, one final question before I impale you with my magnificent weapon,

and I'm not talking about my enormous..."

"Yes, I know you're not...

What puzzles me is this...you rob from the rich?

"YES!"

That's right, yeah"

"And then, when you've robbed the rich you give it all to the poor"

"YES!

"I love giving it to the poor, yes!"

"Now that's the bit I don't understand, you men risk your lives in combat..."

"Yes!"

"You risk certain death if you're caught'

"You live here in this forest in total squalor,

I mean I hate to think what the toilet facilities are like round here"

"...not very nice actually.."

And yet you give every single penny to these so-called poor

who just sit on their backsides all day, laughing at you

saying oh no need to go to work today, Robin Hood and his merry men

will be along in a minute with a big pile of cash"

"I said shut up!"

"I'm surprised they don't call you Robin Hood and his bunch of complete lunatics"

"Right, that is it, shoot him boys, I'm great and he's not"

"Robin Hood and his band of merry morons"

"Ready, aim, fire!"

...No!"

"Can I say that I think you made the right decision?"

"So do I , gorgeous"

"Ding dong!"

"Well, Maid Marion was pretty friendly"

"So was Will Scarlett, really nice guy"

Still, the sooner we get home, the better.

We've started to affect History and that's dangerous.

We've already wiped out the dinosaurs and killed Robin Hood,

God only knows what's going to happen next time..."

"My Lord Emperor, I, the Duc de Darling bring news.

The English have reached Waterloo!"

"Good, prepare to attack!"

"Very good! But first, I would like to ask,

why do we want to invade Britain in the first place?

I mean their wine is made from the pee pee of cows

and their women all have big beards"

We invade Darling, because the British think they are so tough.

They think we French are cissies,

they call us weeds and whoopsies and big girls blouses"

"With respect, my Emperor, we are whoopsies,

and we invented the tapestry, the souffle and the sweet liqueur.

We will be slaughtered the minute we mince up the hill"

Do not despair. It is my firm belief that God hates the British,

he will intervene miraculously and send us a glorious victory on this field of Waterloo"

"Oh Bravo! That's a lovely uniform today, by the way"

"Oh thank you, I think it works"

Your Grace, the French are approaching"

"Oh good! Excellent, I have a superb plan which cannot fail

but result in the complete destruction of the French army"

"Oh splendid! Well tell me once Your Grace

and I'll spread the word to the troops"

"Very well, the plan is, God I'm brilliant, you know I surprise myself sometimes,

I really do. The plan is to allow the French to come

within a hundred yards of us and then, and this is the completely original and brilliant part, then..."

Your Grace! The Duke of Wellington is dead!"

"Whoops!"

"Alas, alas, without the plan the day is lost!

"Pardon me, thanks very much.... May as well try and win that cash anyway"

Why don't we try pressing this button? Well, fingers crossed"

"What can you see, Balders?"

"People in very short skirts, my Lord"

"Ah, excellent, the 1960s, at last we're getting close.

I might stay for a while for a bit of hippy free love.

Not that free love would make a lot of difference to you , Balders.

I mean, what would a sheep do with money?"

"Not girls in skirts, my Lord, men!"

"Oh Spandau Ballet 1983?"

I think not my Lord"

"Oh, Romans! We're still centuries out, come on let's go.

Although I might just steal myself a Roman helmet while we're here"

"That's strange, the machine seems to be sending out our DNA across time"

What, oh Centurian?"

"We're facing a horde of ginger maniacs with wild goats

nesting in their huge orange beards, or to put it another way, the Scots.

And how does our inspired leader Hadrian

intend to keep out this vast army of lunatics?

By building a 3 foot high wall. A terrifying obstacle,

about as frightening as a little rabbit with the word Boo!

painted on its nose"

Oh come now, Centurian, I won't have that.

This wall is a terrific defense mechanism.

You're surely not suggesting that a rabble of Scots

could get the better of Roman soldiers?"

"Welcome General! Good to see you practising your English.

Did you hear that Balders?

"I did Centurian, back to Rome at last"

"This is interesting, there appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us"

"That's not a hedge, Consul, that's the Scots"

"Shall we run my Lord?"

"Yes"

Perhaps we could negotiate"

"Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Rod Stewarts' great great great grandfather"

"Let's get home, Baldrick"

"But we don't know where home is,

we're doomed to float through Time for all time. Oh, woe is me!"

"Shut up Baldrick! There is one final thing to push which may be our final salvation...

or not, because this is in fact a lollipop"

Raspberry flavoured my Lord"

"God, I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a small wooden room

with two toilets and the stupidest man in the world."

"Wait, my Lord, do not despair, for I have a cunning plan"

Can I say I'm not optimistic, Baldrick?"

"to be quite frank my Lord, neither am I, my family have never been any good at plans."

"So, with suitably low expectations, what is your cunning plan to get us home?"

"Well my Lord, you know how when people drown their whole life flashes in front of them?"

"Yes"

"Well, if you stuck your head in a bucket of water and didn't bring it out again then your whole life would flash in front of you and you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we first set off, and then, if you pulled your head out again, just before you died, you could guide us home"

"Well my Lord, you know how when people drown their whole life flashes in front of them?"

"Yes"

"Well, if you stuck your head in a bucket of water

and didn't bring it out again then your whole life would flash in front of you

and you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we first set off,

and then, if you pulled your head out again, just before you died, you could guide us home"

Baldrick"

"My Lord?"

"Good plan with perhaps just one tiny modification...."

How's it going?"

"I'm 18 years old, I've just left nursery school"

"I'm 18 years old, I've just left nursery school"

"I'm 25, I'm back at nursery school!"

"Got it!"

"

Very good"

"I wish I'd flushed the loo first!"

"Oh yes"

"As we approach the end my Lord, what do you think we've learned on our great journey?"

"Good question Baldrick, I suppose I've learned that I must buy you

a much stronger mouthwash for Christmas this year. How about you?"

Oh, I don't know, I suppose I've learned that human beings have always been the same,

some nice, some nasty, some clever, some stupid,

there's always a Blackadder and there's always a Baldrick"

Yes, very profound, Baldrick"

"Also, it occurs to me..."

"Oh my God, there's not more is there?"

"... if you're in the right place at the right time,

then every person has the power to go out and change the world for the better"

God, you really are as thick as clotted cream,

that's been left out by some clot until the clots are so clotted up

you couldn't unclot them with an electric declotter.

Aren't you, Baldrick? Real change comes from huge socio-economic things

that individuals have no effect on"

Unless you're King or Prime Minister or something"

"Oh yes, I suppose they can make a difference, but for the rest of us,

all we can do in life is to try to make a bit of cash,

which is what I intend to do right now.

Hang on,

"Good Lord, Blackadder, what went on there?"

"Yes, for a moment everything went a bit squiggly"

"I have in fact returned from the past"

You surely don't expect us to believe that, Blackadder.

Clearly that was all some kind of cheap conjuring trick"

"On the contrary , Darling"

"Well Bravo, with big bells on.."

"And as a little bonus, the crown of Queen Elizabeth the First of England"

"Oh wow, it fits"

"Well done Blackadder! But tell me, all this stuff about changing history

with time travel, you must have been damn careful."

I was, very careful"

"So, Blackadder, tell us, did you hang out with any big time celebs?"

"Well yes actually, for example this belonged to none other than Robin Hood"

"Who?"

"Robin Hood"

Never heard of him, you'll have to do better than that Blackadder"

"Right, so you've never heard of Robin Hood?"
"No"

"Well this is the title page from Macbeth, signed by Shakespeare himself"

Oh come on, you've heard of Shakespeare,

he's the fellow who invented the ball-point pen"

"Well I might have had an effect on one or two things, but nothing important"

"Well never mind Blackadder, you've certainly won your bet"

So here's your 10,000 francs and jolly well deserved too"

"What do you mean, francs?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean francs?"

"Surely you mean £10,000?"

Pounds, we haven't used those for 200 years!

not since the Emperor Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo.

Which reminds me, it's time to get to the television,

Monsieur le President will be broadcasting from Versailles any minute.

Are you coming?"

No, I might just go on one final little trip"

"Oh no don't go, you haven't had a bite of the delicious garlic pudding.

After which, I'm going to do a petit peu de ballet.

Allons enfants de la patrie..."

Right, that's it! come on Balders, we've got to save Britain!"

"I thought I'd just drop in to wish you good luck with the battle."

"We can't lose!"

"Hello Darling"

"There's one question I've always wanted to ask you"

"Yes?"

"How come you're so great?"

"Because I'm me"

I'm a very big fan Bill, keep up the good work. King Lear, very funny"

"Good Lord, Blackadder, what happened there?"

"And here, a front page of Macbeth, signed by Shakespeare himself"

Oh my God!"

"That's better!"

"Well done Blackadder, but what about all this stuff about changing history

with time travel, you must have been damned careful!"

"Oh I was, very, very careful"

"Intriguing thought actually, isn't it?

The smallest thing can change history, imagine if Wellington had died

before the Battle of Waterloo we'd all be French!"

"Or if someone hadn't invented deodorant we could be smelly"

"The tiniest thing can effect the course of human history.

Think what turmoil an unscrupulous person could wreak"

Yes, could you excuse me just 5 seconds?"

"Absolutely!"

"Why don't you just go upstairs and watch television? I'll be back very, very soon"

"Splendid, but do hurry, you don't want to miss the big shindig at midnight"

"Don't worry, I'll be back!...Baldrick, I have a very, very cunning plan"

Is it as cunning as a fox that used to be Professor of Cunning

at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the UN

at the High Commission for Cunning Planning?"

Yes, it is"

"oooh, that's cunning"

"Right, here goes"

TV:" ... and now excitement is reaching fever pitch

as the final guest of honour arrives at the Dome...

Many of the crowd have been here for up to 36 hours

waiting for this moment but I'm sure they won't be disappointed.

As the great car sweeps into view, because here at last is the King himself,

King Edmund the third, universally loved.

98% approval rating across the country, and with him his gorgeous new bride,

Queen Marion of Sherwood, the nations' most famous beauty, loved by all.

And here to greet them is the Prime Minister,

unmarried of course but entering his fifth term of office.

The relationship between the King and his First Minister particularly close nowadays,

since the dissolution of Parliament 2 years ago.

And what a great partnership these two have become,

leading Britain magnificently into a prosperous and triumphant new millenium.......