How can I stop arguing with my brother?

Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh,Thay, answers questions. Plum Village Monastery, France, 2014.

(Half bell)

(Bell)

(Foreign language)

(Translator) Dear Thay,
what can I do

so that my brother and me don't argue
that much anymore?

What can do...

(Sister)...so that
he does not hurt me anymore?

No, we fight, we argue.

(Sister) Dear Thay,
our friend wants to know

what can I do

so that my brother and I
don't hurt each other anymore

with fighting and arguing.

We know that when we fight,

both of us suffer.

That's very clear.

Not only the big brother suffers,

but also the young brother suffers.

We know that.

So, I suggest

that when you have a good time together...

Suppose you have a time to sit together,

and each one is holding an ice cream
and eating happily,

you should make good use
of that good moment to discuss.

"Hey, brother!
Should we discuss a little bit

about our fighting with each other?

Because you know that, when we fight,
we suffer both.

So, what do you think we can do,

in order to avoid these moments?

Because that moment will happen soon,
maybe in a few hours!"

(Laughter)

And then he, your brother, will agree,

because he knows
that when he fights you,

not only you suffer,
but he suffers.

So, when we have a good time together,

we invite each other
to discuss, a little bit,

how to avoid that kind of fighting.

That is called a Dharma discussion,
Dharma sharing,

between you and your brother.

Your mother or your father
can be there in order to help.

They may have ideas.

So, after ten minutes of discussion,

you may sign a peace treaty!

A peace treaty between big brother
and young brother.

We sign a peace treaty.

In the peace treaty
there are a few sentences,

a few rules that you and your brother
have to observe, to respect.

And then, solemnly,

you and your brother
will sign the peace treaty

in the presence of your father
and your mother,

maybe the Buddha and other friends.

Maybe you can invite some of your friends

and you organize a sitting

where you can sign the peace treaty
between you and your brother.

You invite them over for tea,

or for cookies,

and you tell them
that you and your brother

are going to sign a peace treaty,

so that you and your brother
don't fight any more!

They will be very interested,

because they may have the same problem.

(Laughter)

And then, you read aloud the peace treaty.

Number 1,
number 2, number 3,

the kind of practices that help you
to refrain from starting a fight.

This is meditation.

You can do it with your brother,

and with the help
of your mother and father,

if you want.

Here, in Plum Village,
we do that all the time.

The monks, the nuns,
the lay people,

they meet every week.

They discuss how to maintain
peace and harmony and brotherhood,

so that our life will be pleasant, happy,

so that we can help many people.

So, if you and your brother are happy,

you will be able to help
other boys in the neighborhood.

After having read aloud
this peace treaty,

you explain to them

that you have discussed among yourselves,

and with the help of your parents,

and you have arrived
at this kind of conclusion,

that these are practices
that will help you

not to start a fight again.

Then, you ask everyone to be silent,
to be breathing in and out

while you and your brother
sign the peace treaty.

So, please,
go home and try.

Good luck!

We support you.

Okay! That's a good question!

(Half bell)

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