What makes an ideal father? | Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh (EN subtitles)

[Thầy bowing in]

Dear sangha, today's July 19,

1998.

We're currently in the Lower Hamlet,

and we're going to have this Dharma talk

in Vietnamese.

Someone asks a question like this,

"What makes...

an ideal father? Could you please...

Could you please describe to me
what an ideal father is?"

Present an ideal father.

Well...

Someone else says, "An ideal father
is someone who loves (his kids') mother,

and knows how to make her happy.

How simple,

easy,

but, at the same time, very deep
the answer seems to be!

What does a child need?

What does a child need the most?

Do they need pocket money to buy goodies?

Or do they need money to buy toys?

So what do they need exactly?

What do they need more than anything

from their father?

Some children have a lot of toys.

They have a lot of pocket money.

But they're not happy at all

because their father always
makes their mother suffer.

Sometimes when they feel so sad,

they just want to hide

because the atmosphere
in the family is so heavy.

It's like...

the atmosphere

before a storm hits.

It feels hard for them. They feel
the atmosphere in the family is so heavy.

Their father creates that atmosphere,
and is making their mother suffer.

They want to hide.

But where can they hide?

In the old days, well,

a house

used to be built in a large garden.

There were lakes and ponds.

There were neighbours.

With that, the kid could run out of the house,

go in the garden, sit on the bank of the pond,
or hide in the neighbour's home,

or go see their maternal aunt, or paternal aunt,
or maternal uncle, to feel less sad.

But now, everyone lives in a building,

in an apartment.

And a little one

living in such a situation
doesn't know where to hide.

Sometimes they can only run to and hide in...

a toilet

or a bathroom.

It gives them a really hard time

because that heavy,

stifling atmosphere

— it...

it destroys...

it consumes the little one,
it sucks the life out of the little one.

That's why the little one
wants to run away and hide.

But because there's no place to hide,

they have to run to and hide in a bathroom.

They sit in there, crying alone.

However, the bathroom is not
completely safe and peaceful

because they can still hear

their father speaking or their mother crying.

And kids who are constantly exposed
to such an environment

cannot grow up

flower-fresh and well.

Just like a tree grows in a garden
without rain, without sun,

unattended to.

As they come of age,

they will

have their own family.

They'll get married to a husband,

or they'll get married to a wife.

And they will have their own children.

But they don't know...

they don't know how to
make their family happy because...

when they were young,

they didn't get to learn it from their father.

Their father didn't know how to...

love their mother.

Their father didn't know
how to take care of their mother.

For that reason,

they've never seen their father

take care of and love their mother,

or make their mother happy.

So they haven't learned the art

of loving and caring

for their loved ones.

That's why when they get married to a wife,

or a husband, they...

repeat their father's mistakes,
or their mother's mistakes.

Those mistakes in turn cause

their loved ones to suffer.

In Buddhism, it's called the circle of samsara.

Samsara means going round and round

— one can never escape it.

One just goes round and round,
never being able to break free from it.

From generation to generation,

that suffering just continues

to be handed down.

Only when we

come in touch with the Dharma

and we get to learn the way out,

can we snap this...

circle...

this circle of samsara.

So dear young ones,
when you come to Plum Village,

you get to learn the way to snap that...

circle of samsara

in order to

move into a...

a...

brand new era

— a brand new ère,

where the father

is able

to master the art

of bringing

happiness,

care, and love

to their spouse or partner

— your mother.

Some young people share

that the most...

precious gift

parents can hand down to them

is their own happiness.

The truth is, young people don't need much.

They only need their parents to stay happy
together for them to feel happy and fulfilled.

That's why when we become a father,

when we become a mother,

we should know that

what our children need most
is the happiness that we have

in our relationship with our spouse or partner.

That's

a gift that we should
offer our children every day.

And if parents want...

to make each other happy,

they should practice...

the fourth mindfulness training

— at least the fourth mindfulness training.

The fourth mindfulness training is...

deep listening

and using words that are...

kind, i.e. loving speech.

"Lắng nghe" in Vietnamese
means deep listening,

or l'écoute...

profonde.

And "ái ngữ" in Vietnamese means...

loving speech.

Daddy and Mommy only need

to learn to do these two things.

With deep listening and loving speech,
very naturally

they can establish sympathy,

stop making one another suffer,

and...

be able to offer to their children

a lot of happiness.

However, deep listening

is something...

something that we have to learn and
put into practice for it to really work.

Because

when the other person speaks,

they're working hard to

make their difficulties and pain known.

They really need to be listened to.

But if we're unable to truly listen,

all they share will come to nothing.

They don't suffer less while speaking to us.

And they'll end up

not being able to share anything at all.

For that reason, if we love someone

— that person

can be our wife / partner,

or our husband / partner,

or our son / daughter,

or our father,

we should train ourselves
to really listen to them.

It may be that

our father doesn't know how
to truly listen to our mother,

or our mother doesn't know how
to truly listen to our father.

But what about us? Do we know
how to truly listen to our father?

Do we know how to truly listen to our mother?

Sometimes we...

think, "Dad doesn't really listen to Mum.
Mum doesn't really listen to Dad."

But we ourselves don't listen to our father

and

we ourselves don't listen to our mother.

That's why the father,
the mother, and the child,

when coming to a monastery,
should learn the practice of deep listening.

Because deep listening

is

the practice of Avalokiteshvara, the Bodhisattva
of Deep Listening and Great Compassion.

This morning, our Brothers and Sisters

chanted the gatha that praises

Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara.

Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara is someone
who is extremely good at deep listening.

That's why her/his name

is "Deep Listening."

The other person has pain and suffering.

The other person has...

thoughts and feelings

deep

in their heart

that they're never been given
a chance to share about.

The other person really needs an opportunity

to make

their pain and suffering known.

But if there's no one there truly listening,

how can the other person
have this opportunity

to make their pain and suffering known

in order to suffer less?

That's why

we should train ourselves
to really listen to that person

if we

truly love them.

If we're a father,

and

we wish to listen to our daughter or son,

we can sit by their side

in...

silence.

We will say, "Sweetie,
could you please share with me

the difficulties you're having, or the things
that gnaw at you or cause you to suffer?

I want to understand you.

I want to know where you feel stuck
or what hurts you

to see if I can be of any help for you."

A father can say something like that.

We should start learning
to say something like that.

Learn to say it with all our heart.

If we're a wife or partner,

and we know that our husband or partner

is having hurts and hurdles in life

that he hasn't been able to talk about yet,

we should also go to our husband or partner,

sit quietly and still,

with a lot of flower-freshness,
we say, "Darling,

there's pain

and there are difficulties you've had inside
I've never gotten to know.

Please share more about them.
I'll do my very best to listen to you."

A wife / partner should learn
to say something like that.

If a husband / partner,

or if a father

has pain and suffering...

No one is exempted from pain and suffering.

Some have a lot.

Some have a little.

When you're the one
who hears the other person

say something like that,

know that we have the opportunity
to express ourselves.

At first, we may find it difficult
to express ourselves.

Too difficult to say anything.

Because the other person has never...

done their best to really listen to us,

when they invite us to share,

we don't really believe it yet.

But please be patient.

The other person should say,
"Please, darling, please share with me.

You have difficulties, and pain and suffering,

I don't know if by any chance
I've done anything foolish,

or said anything foolish,

that makes you suffer even more.

I don't want to continue doing that.

I don't want to continue making you suffer.

So please tell me so that I can be aware of it.

I want to listen to you

with a lot of calm.

I am learning from...

Avalokiteshvara.

I'll sit and breathe,

I'll listen deeply and wholeheartedly without...

judging or reacting

or getting angry.

I've learned it from Thầy,

from my sangha.

I've been practicing mindful walking,

I've been practicing mindful breathing,

I've been practicing eating mindfully
and in silence. Now...

I'm able to listen to you

more than I used to be, darling."

So we let...

our husband or partner know
that we’re doing our best

so he can share his pain

and his difficulties

with us.

And if we're a son or daughter,

don't think that we're the only one
who has difficulties

and pain.

Our father also has difficulties
and pain of his own.

That's why we can also practice saying,
"Daddy, I know...

you're my Dad but you also have difficulties.

Sometimes you're mad at me,
you're sad because of me,

and sometimes you don’t agree with what I do.

And... and because I never
have the chance to understand you...

better — like the kind of difficulties you've had,

things that make you sad or angry, etc.,

I want to listen to all you have to share.

Like the things I do that you don't agree with,
just let me know, Dad.

I'm listening.

I'll listen with the heart of
the Bodhisattva of Deep Listening

because I've already attended
a mindfulness retreat in a monastery,

I've already met Thầy,

I've already met the Sisters

and the Brothers there.

I've been with the sangha there, and I've had
the chance to learn how to listen truly.

So Dad, please...

please share with me,
so I can understand you better."

And we will practice

exactly like the Bodhisattva of Deep Listening.

We'll sit and listen very attentively.

We'll listen with both of our ears
— not with only half an ear,

and we'll also listen with all our heart

because the Bodhisattva of Deep Listening
listens with both ears,

and with all her/his heart.

The other person only needs an hour

of being listened to like that

to suffer less.

That's why all three parties
should practice deep listening

— the father,

the mother,

and the son or the daughter.

But in order to truly listen,

we have to get down to the practice.

You just can't wish to listen deeply and
you're able to listen deeply straight away.

Because without practice, it'll be very easy to
get worked up halfway through their sharing.

The other person can say

things that are very unfair.

The other person can say things that are...

totally wrong.

Perhaps they have many
erroneous perceptions,

wrong views,

or misunderstandings in their heart.

So as soon as they speak,
those misunderstandings,

those unfair judgments immediately show.

The other person may tend to judge.

The other person may tend to accuse.

The other person may tend to condemn.

So it's extremely, extremely difficult
to sit still and listen to them.

It feels like the more we try to listen,
the more it touches the seeds of pain in us.

So we can't take it anymore.

We immediately rebuke.

Or we storm out of the place.

With that, we fail completely

in the practice of deep listening.

Have our father and mother

succeeded yet

at listening deeply to one another?

If they haven't yet succeeded at that,

we should help them.

We should be able to listen deeply first.

Make sure that we can really listen.

Once we can really listen to Dad
and understand Dad better,

once we can really listen to Mum
and understand Mum better,

at that point, we can help Mum.
We can say, "Mum,

I've been practicing deep listening.

I've been able to listen to Dad

and he's suffered much less.

Now my relationship with Dad
is much better than it used to be.

I think you should consider giving it a go,

practicing listening to Dad deeply, Mum."

And we'll help our Mum listen to our Dad.

Although we're their son or their daughter,

although we're still very young,

although we haven't had
any breakthrough insights yet,

we're already capable
of practicing mindfulness,

because we've already had
the opportunity to be in touch with

the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha,

with the Brothers and the Sisters.

And we can also help our Dad
the same, "Daddy,

do you think you can listen to Mum deeply yet?

Mum actually has lots of pain,

bottled-up emotions,

and countless difficulties in her.

I've talked to Mum and I can tell.

So could you please

consider practicing
listening to Mum deeply, Dad?

I can really listen to her sharing these days.
And I believe you can do the same.

You have my full support.

I...

I suggest that while listening to her,
please don't say anything at all.

Please simply follow your breath.

When you hear she say something that's...

incorrect,

please don't...

get angry.

Please breathe, and remind yourself,

"The point of me listening to her

is to allow her to suffer less

— not to criticise her, blame her,

nor judge her."

If your Dad can't do it yet, you can go with him
to a retreat so he can learn the practice.

He'll get to practice mindful walking,

mindful breathing,

mindful sitting,

working

in mindfulness,

or eating in silence.

In just three days, five days, or seven days,

he'll be able to listen

truly just like we do.

Deep listening is a very wonderful
practice of Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara.

When we invoke, "Homage to the Bodhisattva
of Deep Listening Avalokiteshvara,"

it means we accept

Avalokiteshvara as our teacher.

And because Avalokiteshvara is capable
of listening deeply and compassionately,

as her/his follower,

we also need to practice
deep, compassionate listening.

And today, dear very little ones,

now you get to know about this,

please

keep in mind

what Grandpa Teacher have just said.

Every time

your

parents

are not

having joy,

every time your parents are
not happy with one another,

we should join our palms together
and say something like, "Dad, Mum,

where's my present?

My present is your happiness.

I can only have this present
when you have happiness living together.

Or else,

I really feel hurt."

Saying something like that will wake them up.

That'll be a bell of mindfulness

prompting your parents to...

to practice.

Dear little ones, on hearing
the sound of the bells, please...

stand up and bow out.

Older young people, please stay on

because Grandpa Teacher will continue
with another teaching for you shortly after this.