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If you look at a carpenter,
they have a toolbox,
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a dentist, they have their drills.
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In our era and the type of work
most of us are doing,
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the tool we most need is actually centered
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around being able to give
and receive feedback well.
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[The Way We Work]
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Humans have been talking
about feedback for centuries.
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In fact, Confucius, way back in 500 BC,
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talked about how important it is
to be able to say difficult messages well.
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But to be honest,
we're still pretty bad at it.
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In fact, a recent Gallup survey found
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that only 26% of employees strongly agree
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that the feedback they get
actually improves their work.
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Those numbers are pretty dismal.
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So what's going on?
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The way that most people
give their feedback
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actually isn't brain-friendly.
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People fall into one of two camps.
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Either they're of the camp
that is very indirect and soft
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and the brain doesn't even recognize
that feedback is being given
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or it's just simply confused,
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or they fall into the other
camp of being too direct,
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and with that, it tips the other person
into the land of being defensive.
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There's this part of the brain
called the amygdala,
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and it's scanning
at all times to figure out
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whether the message
has a social threat attached to it.
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With that, we'll move forward
to defensiveness,
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we'll move backwards in retreat,
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and what happens is the feedback giver
then starts to disregulate as well.
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They add more ums and uhs
and justifications,
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and the whole thing
gets wonky really fast.
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It doesn't have to be this way.
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I and my team have spent many years
going into different companies
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and asking who here
is a great feedback giver.
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Anybody who's named again and again,
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we actually bring into our labs
to see what they're doing differently.
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And what we find
is that there's a four-part formula
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that you can use to say
any difficult message well.
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OK, are you ready for it? Here we go.
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The first part of the formula
is what we call the micro yes.
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Great feedback givers begin their feedback
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by asking a question
that is short, but important.
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It lets the brain know
that feedback is actually coming.
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It would be something, for example, like,
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"Do you have five minutes to talk
about how that last conversation went,
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or "I have some ideas
for how we can improve things.
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Can I share them with you?
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This micro yes question
does two things for you.
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First of all, it's going to be
a pacing tool.
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It lets the other person know
that feedback is about to be given.
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And the second thing it does
is it creates a moment of buy-in.
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I can say yes or no
to that yes or no question.
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And with that,
I get a feeling of autonomy.
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The second part of the feedback formula
is going to be giving your data point.
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Here, you should name specifically
what you saw or heard,
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and cut out any words
that aren't objective.
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There's a concept we call blur words.
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A blur word is something that can mean
different things to different people.
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Blur words are not specific.
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So for example, if I say
"You shouldn't be so defensive,"
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or "You could be more proactive."
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What we see great feedback
givers doing differently
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is they'll convert their blur words
into actual data points.
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So for example, instead of saying,
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"You aren't reliable,"
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we would say, "You said you'd get
that email to me by 11,
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and I still don't have it yet."
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Specificity is also important
when it comes to positive feedback
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and the reason for that is that we want
to be able to specify exactly
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what we want the other person
to increase or diminish.
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And if we stick with blur words,
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they actually won't have
any clue particularly
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what to do going forward
to keep repeating that behavior.
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The third part of the feedback
formula is the impact statement.
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Here, you name exactly
how that data point impacted you.
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So, for example, I might say,
"Because I didn't get the message,
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I was blocked on my work
and couldn't move forward,"
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or "I really liked
how you added those stories,
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because it helped me
grasp the concepts faster."
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It gives you a sense of purpose
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and meaning and logic between the points,
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which is something
the brain really craves.
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The fourth part of the feedback
formula is a question.
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Great feedback givers wrap
their feedback message with a question.
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They'll ask something like,
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"Well, how do you see it?"
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Or "This is what I'm thinking
we should do,
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but what are your thoughts on it?"
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What it does is it creates commitment
rather than just compliance.
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It makes the conversation
no longer be a monologue,
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but rather becomes a joint
problem-solving situation.
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But there's one last thing.
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Great feedback givers
not only can say messages well,
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but also, they ask for feedback regularly.
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In fact, our research
on perceived leadership
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shows that you shouldn't
wait for feedback to be given to you --
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what we call push feedback --
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but rather, you should
actively ask for feedback,
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what we call pulling feedback.
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Pulling feedback establishes you
as a continual learner
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and puts the power in your hands.
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The most challenging situations
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are actually the ones
that call for the most skillful feedback.
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But it doesn't have to be hard.
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Now that you know this four-part formula,
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you can mix and match it to make it work
for any difficult conversation.