The profound power of an authentic apology
-
0:02 - 0:06For the past few years,
we've been calling men out. -
0:07 - 0:08It had to be done.
-
0:08 - 0:10(Applause)
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0:10 - 0:16But lately, I've been thinking
we need to do something even harder. -
0:17 - 0:20We need, as my good friend
Tony Porter says, -
0:20 - 0:24to find a way to call men in.
-
0:25 - 0:29My father began to sexually abuse me
when I was five years old. -
0:31 - 0:34He would come into my room
in the middle of the night. -
0:34 - 0:36He appeared to be in a trance.
-
0:36 - 0:39The abuse continued until I was 10.
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0:40 - 0:42When I tried to resist him,
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0:42 - 0:45when I was finally able to say no,
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0:45 - 0:47he began to beat me.
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0:47 - 0:49He called me stupid.
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0:49 - 0:50He said I was a liar.
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0:51 - 0:54The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,
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0:54 - 0:57but actually, it never ended.
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0:58 - 0:59It changed who I was.
-
1:00 - 1:04I was filled with anxiety and guilt
and shame all the time, -
1:04 - 1:06and I didn't know why.
-
1:06 - 1:09I hated my body, I hated myself,
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1:09 - 1:11I got sick a lot,
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1:11 - 1:12I couldn't think,
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1:12 - 1:14I couldn't remember things.
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1:14 - 1:18I was drawn to dangerous men and women
-
1:18 - 1:22who I allowed -- actually, I invited --
to treat me badly, -
1:22 - 1:25because that is what my father
taught me love was. -
1:27 - 1:31I waited my whole life
for my father to apologize to me. -
1:32 - 1:33He didn't.
-
1:33 - 1:35He wouldn't.
-
1:35 - 1:38And then, with the recent
scandals of famous men, -
1:38 - 1:41as one after another was exposed,
-
1:41 - 1:42I realized something:
-
1:43 - 1:47I have never heard a man
-
1:47 - 1:51who has committed rape
or physical violence -
1:51 - 1:55ever publicly apologize to his victim.
-
1:56 - 1:58I began to wonder,
-
1:58 - 2:03what would an authentic,
deep apology be like? -
2:08 - 2:12So, something strange began to happen.
-
2:12 - 2:14I began to write,
-
2:14 - 2:17and my father's voice
began to come through me. -
2:18 - 2:21He began to tell me what he had done
-
2:21 - 2:22and why.
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2:22 - 2:25He began to apologize.
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2:25 - 2:28My father is dead almost 31 years,
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2:28 - 2:29and yet, in this apology,
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2:29 - 2:32the one I had to write for him,
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2:32 - 2:36I discovered the power of an apology
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2:37 - 2:39and how it actually might be
the way to move forward -
2:39 - 2:41in the crisis we now face
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2:41 - 2:44with men and all the women they abuse.
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2:45 - 2:49Apology is a sacred commitment.
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2:50 - 2:52It requires complete honesty.
-
2:53 - 2:56It demands deep
self-interrogation and time. -
2:56 - 2:58It cannot be rushed.
-
2:58 - 3:01I discovered an apology has four steps,
-
3:01 - 3:04and, if you would,
I'd like to take you through them. -
3:04 - 3:08The first is you have to say
what, in detail, you did. -
3:09 - 3:11Your accounting cannot be vague.
-
3:11 - 3:13"I'm sorry if I hurt you"
-
3:13 - 3:15or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"
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3:15 - 3:16doesn't cut it.
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3:16 - 3:19You have to say what actually happened.
-
3:20 - 3:23"I came into the room
in the middle of the night, -
3:23 - 3:25and I pulled your underpants down."
-
3:26 - 3:28"I belittled you because
I was jealous of you -
3:28 - 3:30and I wanted you to feel less."
-
3:30 - 3:33The liberation is in the details.
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3:34 - 3:37An apology is a remembering.
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3:37 - 3:39It connects the past with the present.
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3:39 - 3:43It says that what occurred
actually did occur. -
3:44 - 3:48The second step
is you have to ask yourself why. -
3:49 - 3:52Survivors are haunted by the why.
-
3:52 - 3:57Why? Why would my father want
to sexually abuse his eldest daughter? -
3:57 - 4:01Why would he take my head
and smash it against a wall? -
4:04 - 4:06In my father's case,
-
4:06 - 4:10he was a child born long after
the other children. -
4:11 - 4:14He was an accident
that became "the miracle." -
4:14 - 4:18He was adored and treated
as the golden boy. -
4:19 - 4:22But adoration, it turns out, is not love.
-
4:22 - 4:24Adoration is a projection
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4:24 - 4:26of someone's need for you to be perfect
-
4:26 - 4:27onto you.
-
4:28 - 4:31My father had to live up
to this impossible ideal, -
4:31 - 4:33and so he was never allowed to be himself.
-
4:33 - 4:36He was never allowed to express tenderness
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4:36 - 4:39or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.
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4:39 - 4:41He was never allowed to cry.
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4:41 - 4:44And so he was forced to push
all those feelings underground, -
4:44 - 4:47and they eventually metastasized.
-
4:47 - 4:51Those suppressed feelings
later became Shadowman, -
4:51 - 4:53and he was out of control,
-
4:53 - 4:57and he eventually unleashed
his torrent on me. -
4:58 - 5:02The third step is you have
to open your heart -
5:02 - 5:06and feel what your victim felt
as you were abusing her. -
5:07 - 5:09You have to let your heart break.
-
5:09 - 5:11You have to feel the horror and betrayal
-
5:11 - 5:15and the long-term impacts
of your abuse on your victim. -
5:16 - 5:19You have to sit with the suffering
you have caused. -
5:20 - 5:21And, of course, the fourth step
-
5:21 - 5:25is taking responsibility
for what you have done -
5:25 - 5:27and making amends.
-
5:27 - 5:32So, why would anyone want to go through
such a grueling and humbling process? -
5:33 - 5:36Why would you want to rip yourself open?
-
5:37 - 5:41Because it is the only thing
that will set yourself free. -
5:41 - 5:45It is the only thing
that will set your victim free. -
5:45 - 5:47You didn't just destroy your victim.
-
5:47 - 5:49You destroyed yourself.
-
5:49 - 5:54There is no one who enacts
violence on another person -
5:54 - 5:56who doesn't suffer
from the effects themselves. -
5:57 - 6:04It creates an incredibly dark
and contaminating spirit, -
6:04 - 6:06and it spreads
throughout your entire life. -
6:08 - 6:11The apology I wrote -- I learned something
-
6:11 - 6:13about a different lens
we have to look through -
6:13 - 6:16to understand the problem
of men's violence -
6:16 - 6:20that I and one billion
other women have survived. -
6:20 - 6:23We often turn to punishment first.
-
6:24 - 6:26It's our first instinct, but actually,
-
6:26 - 6:30although punishment
sometimes is effective, -
6:30 - 6:33on its own, it is not enough.
-
6:33 - 6:34My father punished me.
-
6:35 - 6:36I was shut down,
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6:36 - 6:38and I was broken.
-
6:39 - 6:42I think punishment hardens us,
but it doesn't teach us. -
6:42 - 6:45Humiliation is not revelation.
-
6:45 - 6:50We actually need to create a process
that may involve punishment, -
6:50 - 6:53whereby we open a doorway
-
6:53 - 6:57where men can actually become
something and someone else. -
6:58 - 7:00For so many years, I hated my father.
-
7:00 - 7:03I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.
-
7:03 - 7:07But actually, that rage kept me
connected to my father's story. -
7:08 - 7:13What I really wanted
wasn't just for my father to be stopped. -
7:13 - 7:14I wanted him to change.
-
7:14 - 7:16I wanted him to apologize.
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7:16 - 7:18That's what we want.
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7:18 - 7:20We don't want men to be destroyed,
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7:20 - 7:23we don't want them to only be punished.
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7:23 - 7:28We want them to see us,
the victims that they have harmed, -
7:28 - 7:30and we want them to repent
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7:30 - 7:31and change.
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7:31 - 7:33And I actually believe this is possible.
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7:34 - 7:37And I really believe it's our way forward.
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7:38 - 7:41But we need men to join us.
-
7:41 - 7:47We need men now to be brave
and be part of this transformation. -
7:48 - 7:51I have spent most of my life
calling men out, -
7:52 - 7:54and I am here now,
-
7:55 - 7:57right now,
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7:57 - 8:00to call you in.
-
8:01 - 8:02Thank you.
-
8:02 - 8:05(Applause)
-
8:05 - 8:06Thank you.
-
8:06 - 8:07(Applause)
-
8:07 - 8:08Thank you, thank you.
-
8:08 - 8:10(Applause)
- Title:
- The profound power of an authentic apology
- Speaker:
- Eve Ensler
- Description:
-
Genuine apology goes beyond remorse, says legendary playwright Eve Ensler. In this frank, wrenching talk, she shares how she transformed her own experience of abuse into wisdom on what wrongdoers can do and say to truly repent -- and offers a four-step roadmap to help begin the process. (This talk contains mature content.)
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 08:23
marialadias edited English subtitles for The profound power of an authentic apology | ||
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Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for The profound power of an authentic apology | ||
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Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The profound power of an authentic apology | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The profound power of an authentic apology | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The profound power of an authentic apology | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for The profound power of an authentic apology |