Cards Against Humanity PHAN EDITION!

P: Look who's here!
D: Hello there.

P: What you doin?

Why you on my channel again?

D: Dan and Phil? In 2021?

P: What is this?

D: What the [woof] is happening?

P: What is happening?
D: Hi.

P: I don't know what's happening.

[fail sound effect]
D: This is happening.

P: Yeah, We were meant to have moved
by now, but we didn't. Yeah.

D: We still haven't moved.
P: It fell down. [laughs]

D: Living that #boxlife.

P: We're in boxlife, we are box lads.

P: So we're here, we're queer
[crickets] and the rest of it.

[record scratch] So-
[both laugh]

D: Before we do anything [P: Yeah]
or explain anything, firstly,

do you not think we look like a
couple of guys that have haircuts

that are not particularly weird?
[twinkle sound]

P: Because, I frickin did that.
[gasp sound] I- [laughs]

I cut that hair! [da-da-da sound]

D: We gave each other haircuts.

P: We did.

D: And look, we're not that bizarre. [P: No]
We still have ears.

P: We don't look like hedges.

D: This was one of the most frightening
experiences of my entire life,

just gonna put that out there.

P: If we were to compare them, I would
say that I did yours better than you did mine.

P: I'm just- I'm just saying! Like, yours
looks like a good Dan haircut.

D: Phil accidentally
[P laughs]

completely ignorantly gave me a
good haircut.

[P: Yeah] but, it wasn't smooth-sailing.
P: Oh my god, can I show the picture?

D: My hair grows very fast, my hair
was quite long. There was a point,

P: Oh it was so bad!
D: where Phil had

committed to the clippers,

where I basically looked like, um, a 15th
century monk.

[dramatic sound effect] [P: laughs]

P: You looked like a mushroom!
D: That was briefly my reality.

P: I didn't know what to do, I went into
full panic mode. How do I fix this?

D: I was like "Phil show me the photo.
show me the goddamn photo right now."

[P: Yeah] and when I looked at it,
I'm going to be real with you,

I actually- I almost cried.

P: There was no laughing Dan just got a fear
in his voice.

[D: it was- it was] it was like pure fear

P: And then I was like oh my god what do I do
D: I was already afraid because I

actually thought you were going
to cut my ears off.

P: And somehow it created this butterfly
after the horrendous [crickets] moth.

P: So we got haircuts, we didn't move,
house didn't fall down.

D: I think as a lifestyle choice we were
all just already locked down with each other,

[P: I think so]

so I feel like it's quite a commitment
for us to now go into a house purchase.

P: Yes D: Big commitment and you know
how Dan feels about commitments.

P: He doesn't [D: I'd rather ghost]
like that.

P: Why do we have Coke in wine glasses
you might ask, what are we drinking Dan?

What [laughs] why are we doing this?

D: Not that your not behooven to have
Coke out of a wine glass

[P: I will- I would behoove it]
Like some weird faux fancy bitch.

D: Um- this is pineapple liquor
[P: intrigued noise] and Coke.

P: Pineapple and coke is not a thing you
mix together [Laughs]. D: It absolutely is.

P: I love my old pineapple and coke.

D: How is that not a thing?
P: I don't know.

D: I did this for you, this is not a Dan drink.
P: It's a very Phil drink, it's very sweet.

D: I would either have just have the
hard alcohol or some red wine

or something horrible and bitter tasting
like my personality.

P: It goes better than pineapple on
a pizza I'll say that much

D: This is for you sugar freak.

P: Cheers [glass shattering noise]
Cheers [glass shattering noise]

P: Welcome to the viddy.

P: So you might have pataken-partaken in Phil
and Phriends [D: partooketh] back in December,

P: well, I did one with Dan and everyone
loved it [D: Thanks] and I thought,

while we're still [D: That was fun]
still locked down why don't we do

some more liveshows together?
D: What the hell else is there to do?

P: Yeah D: Because we don't know
what we'll be able to make or when.

P: Yeah D: And when we'll stop
living the [Box rustling noise] boxlife.

P: So on Tuesdays and Thursdays 9 pm
we are going to be hopping on Stereo

P: and doing a show.
D: Having a little chat.

P: I thought we could call it
[D: Having a bant] Lockdown Lads.

P: But we can -we can- [Laughs] we can
talk about that in the show. [D: The box-]

P: Decide if it's a good name.
[D: -the box boys] P: Box boys, box lads,

cardboard [D: The moving mates] kings,

moving mates D: Let's- cardboard that's a C.

P: Oh yeah.

P: Well whatever it's a show.
D: Let's not name it.

P: We're going to treat it like a fun little
intimate Dan and Phil podcast vibe.

[D: Hmm] we're going to play games,
going to talk about what we're up to,

we're going to talk to you guys.

P: Also to say thank you to anyone who
follows us or has followed us [D: Hmm]

we're going to do a little giveaway.
[D: Haha]

P: Because if you saw in my last video
I was keeping and yeeting

P: loads of stuff from the apartment.
D: So much crap.

P: Anyway the charity shops are closed,

and there was so many comments on
the video saying "but Phil I want that thing".

D: Excuse me, firstly,
P: She's thriving.

D: Look at her.

[singing] Everything is a mess,
but the orchid is love the orchid is life!

D: What were we talking about?
P: Charity box.

D: Here we have charity,
miscellaneous, [P: Yep] candles.

P: But there is some stuff we can't give
away or isn't actually worth that much.

D: For example P: A TATINOF cube.
D: What the [bark] is that?

P: We could sign that D: Why is that-
P: and give it away D: It's a laptop stand.

P: Ok, we'll put that in the box.

P: Like the Hulk and the Ironman
pictures on the wall.

D: I've outgrown that stylistically.
P: Yes.

D: People are saying "Dan and Phil,
what's the design of your new place?"

D: It's not 2011 geek chic.

P: Avengers, we've done the Avengers.

D: But what may just be an old picture
of the hulk to us [P: Yeah],

actually as a Dan and Phil horcrux has
this like mystical energy it's just been there

[P: It has] D: in the background
of so many videos.

P: The things it's seen.
D: That might mean something.

D: So, um, do you want it?
P: Do you want it?

D: I mean we'll just post it to you
we don't care.

P: You could win it.

P: Because hey, we need help moving out.

P: So, take our stuff.
D: Please.

P: We could do the cube [D: Please.]
Let's give them a cube.

D: Relieve us of this.

P: These failed flesh pajamas from
DanandPhilGAMES. D: Oh Yes.

D: You showed those in a video didn't you?
P: They're made of human skin.

D: That's disturbing.

P: We're going to do the vibrating sloth.

P: Do you want a little vibrate on your face?
D: I do not.

P: Oo feel it, so hard. D: That's quite
violent. P: Yeah I know.

P: You could experience that,
don't sue us if it break your neck.

D: I'm deciding how I feel about this.

P: Are you getting into it?

D: [chuckles]
P: He likes the pain.

D: I feel like I kinda like it.

D: And I also feel like this is getting weird.

P: Right, I have some of the old
Dan and Phil photo booth outtakes.

D: I'm not saying I don't want to hoard
300 photos with pictures of myself.

P: No.
D: That's pretty weird.

D: Help us [P: Help us] take them away.

P: If want to automatically be
entered into the contest

you can click the links below,
follow us both on stereo,

D: @ my actual name and
@Amazing his name

P: Make sure your bio has some of
your social media on it

so I can find you if you win.

D: And hey, anyone that just comes listen to us
hang out on a tuesday or a thursay

you could also get-

P: That.
D: A cube!

D: I think it's gonna be fun,
it'll give us something to do until we

D: have stuff.
P: Yeah, we're going crazy

P: We need someone to talk to,
and that can be you.

So while you're here,
I don't want you to talk about that

P: and then leave
D: I- I think I know what you're doing

P: We're doing
D: 'cause I watched your last video

P: Cards against humanity
Phan edition [ominous music]

Which is a relic from,
I think our first tour.

D: Yeah.
P: Where someone who, Naomi and Nia

P: made us a Cards against humanity
but they're all about Dan and Phil.

D: In case you're one of the people on earth who
doesn't know what cards against humanity is

It's a fill-in-the-blank game that's
horrendously offensive

But one of you has made
all of the cards about us.

P: Yeah.
D: Which cannot not be...

...horrifying.

D: You know, I feel like after
all of this years here we are, Dan and Phil,

on youtube together again, why not
acknowledge the creativity

D: of our audience,
P: I know.

D: and their unique way of celebrating
their enjoyment of us?

P: Yes.
D: I just [meow] flicked one and said "hentai".

D: Okay.
P: [laughs] Good start.

D: This is a surprisingly plush box.
P: I know, stick your hand in it.

P: It's nice! It's like-
D: There are about 20 things about this

D: that I'm uncomfortable with.

P: Any regrets? Any last wishes before
[D: hmm] we dive into this?

D: I don't know, the year's 2021,
we're all old as [woof].

P: What could it be?

D: Let's, we have careers on the line.
P: Yeah.

D: Phil, [P: what] I am writing a book
about mental health.

P: I know.
D: I am a serious published author [P: and]

D: It's time to destroy my career
before it started [P: Right, doing this].

P: We're given some of these white cards
to fill in the blanks of the black cards.

We're gonna get seven each
and we're gonna try and

make the other person laugh or
wanna throw themselves out a window.

D: Abs, why not both?

P: Eins, zwei, drei, fünf, vier, act
I don't know what I just said.

D: What happened to sechs and sieben, Phillip?
P: How could I forget the sechs?

P: Oomph, oomph is not a german word
D: I would like to apologize to Germany.

P: I already got five, got six now.

D: Can you count or speak german?

P: Have you got five or six buddy?
D: Six.

P: Six, right.

P: The first-
D: The coke is hitting.

P: [laughs] Don't say that.
The first card-

D: Yup

D: Sure, just going straight in there.

D: Oh!
P: Oh my g- I got the card I got last time!

[laughs out loud]

P: I can't say that on this channel.
D: I can say... [P: can you say it?]

D: Pikachu's gaping [electricity noise].

D: This is a proud moment for me.

P: I'm not mating with that,
we're getting another card.

P: Is this the content that people want for us
reuniting on youtube?

D: I think it's exactly
what people expect.

D: To sustain the existence of
the human race you mate with...

D: Phil's awkward hand.

D: You know that thing [P: No!]
You know that thing that Phil still does to this day?

P: No one wants to mate with that!
D: He doesn't know what to do

D: with his body on photos:
"oh well, I'm just gonna..."

P: I tried to stop doing it,
you put one thumb in your pocket

P: and then do some horrible claw.

D: Stick your appendage in that claw,
save the world!

P: Please don't.

P: My only other card that made sense was:
"A hamster in a hat".

P: So I was thinking if they're
wearing a fur suit,

D: I just know exactly what [woof] fanfiction
people-

P: No! I didn't even think of that!

D: Did- did you genuinely forget?

D: If you've not- if you don't know
what I'm talking about, don't know

P: Don't, no, no.

P: Okay, I think-
D: But we love that we've encouraged

D: so much creative writing and art,
P: So much creativity.

P: I think you win, you win.
D: Me, I win.

D: You don't win that round until you stop
doing the hand thing.

P: And that will be never.

P: Uuuh, okay.

P: I chose Phil, because if there was
a clone of myself in my bed...

D: If you saw yourself in your own bed

P: ...that would be scary.

D: So how's this: would you have sex
with a clone of yourself?

P: Uuh [laughs] would you?
D: That's the real question.

D: Well, here's the thing, okay.
P: Yeah.

D: Right. Firstly, yes.
But, I think [P: Butt]

D: That's where the people will be like, butt

D: Anyway,

the existential horror
of seeing myself and being afraid

that they would murder me,
I would definitely just

choke them to death
and murder them.

P: Why would you murder them?
D: Cause I just- I'd be like:

there can only be one
[choking noises]

I just know that that's what happen.

P: That makes me scared of you
D: Yes.

P: I think...

[machine noises]

D: Well, you're thinking
about this a lot

P: I'm thinking about this a lot

Okay, here's the thing:
you're both the same person

so why not use everything you've got?

It's not like your twin,
you're the same person.

D: See I just went yeah, and I felt
like I didn't need to go into it

D: You trying to justify that...
P: I don't know i feel bad now.

D: ...is the most uncomfortable thing
P: I'm trying to be honest.

D: I've experienced this year.

P: I think we'd both trip over,
fall onto the bed and die.

D: You'd smash your awkward hands
into each other, and

get pregnant. Anyway...

P: That's how I mate.
D: I said: "A llama".

P: That's very Dan 2012.
D: That- that cultural relic.

P: You'd just see it and scream
and choke it.

D: That's humour right there.
P: Yeah.

P: Llamas!

D: Oh dear.

D: I think that the hurdles of Dan vs Phil
season 2 will involve:

P: Can we put the picture on the screen?

That's your finest moment Dan.

D: So many things have just
gone deep into a mind palace vault.

P: Yeah.
D: Buried, buried so deep.

P: Do you wake in the middle of the night
and just remember that?

D: I haven't, but now I will.
I will just cringe-attack randomly

D: when I least expect it.
P: Good.

D: Aaand minion yaoi.
P: Wow.

D: Which is...
P: How are they involved in Dan vs Phil?

D: ...technically out there.
Well Phil, that's the question.

D: It will involve eating oranges behind 1D
and lewd tiny little yellow men.

P: Well you know mine
had a similar theme, somehow

D: [goat bleating] hell.

D: Okay.

P: We'd have to make some dioramas.
D: Look, artists out there,

if your hentai isn't violently crafted,
are you even passionate about it?

P: That's the thing, we're gonna go hard
on that play-doh.

P: Somehow, I don't know
D: Somehow that three seconds

was genuinely more scary than the three
DanAndPhilCRAFTS videos.

P: Oh my god.
D: Okay, I'm gonna give that to you again.

P: Yaas!
D: I don't think that's anything to be proud of.

P: Can i say hentai on AmazingPhil?

Am I allowed that YouTube?

D: [singing] It's a new dawn, It's a new day
It's a new [falsetto] community guidelines breach!

P: [falsetto] For me!

P: I've never had
a community guidelines breach, so-

Oh, I just kicked the camera, sorry!

Oh god.

P: Phil!

D: Netflix and Phil?
P: Netflix and Phil!

D: Yeah, I think it's gonna be
much worse than that.

P: Okay, I've got...
D: It ain't chillin', but it will be thrilling,

P: I've got one.

D: Grand appropriate moment:
P: Go on.

D: It's time for Netflix and
dying alone.

P: Ooh.

D: We all die alone.

P: No you don't, you die
with the thoughts-

D: The moment you die
you are alone

P: No, you're swamped with
the memories of everything you've done

and all of your loved ones holding you hand.

D: For five minutes, and then you die.
P: Stop it!

P: It's time for Netflix and

D: Who the [woof] would do that?

That'd be really weird, wouldn't it?
Imagine a time in the world

when that was considered humour

P: Yeah.
D: And cool.

D: And someone gained followers
'cause people liked it.

God that would be a really
weird world.

P: That would be crazy.

P: When I first met Dan he would
spend hours just watching youtube videos

of people doing DDR.

D: I was - oi - I was a competitive
DDR community fan,

P: Yes.
D: And I partook in the e-sports.

P: It was an interesting sport to choose.
D: You were like: look at this guy,

looking at weird 30-year-old men playing DDR
[P: yeah] he seems cool.

P: Everyone's got a hobby.

D: I just won the dance mat championship
and I'm celebrating with-

That's such a Dan one.

D: When did I stop?
P: Hey!

D: And who's to say I'm not still now?

That's why I haven't uploaded.

I would like to celebrate with:

Phil lapdancing to Toxic.

P: No, nobody wants that.
D: Purely for the spectacle.

P: That would be a spectacle,
do you know what?

I think out of a lot of dancing
I'd be good at lap dancing

'cause it involves a chair,
and you've got a sense of balance

you can- I'm not very good with my legs.

D: Of all the kinds of dancing I think
I'd be good at lap dancing

P: No, I think I could!
D: Phil Lester 2021.

P: Look,
D: Yeah, yeah

P: I could hold the chair
D: And then what?

P: I could do a hip thrust,
I could rub my butt on things.

You don't need a lot of musical coordination
with a lap dance

D: How dare you?
P: It's all I'm saying.

D: You're offeding a lot of
genuinely talented strippers out there.

P: I've never had one on me,
I don't know what they do, although

I went to a party at university
and someone did hire a gay stripper

and I was there, and

D: Was it for you?

P: It was not for me, but I did...

D: Look at it.
P: ...look.

D: That's a really cool story, friend.
P: That story didn't have a good ending.

D: Cool anecdoto.

D: [ruggedly] I don't know
he was just there stripping.

P: That sounded so pervy!

D: I mean, I really thought that story
was gonna go somewhere,

not just like, once I saw a gay stripper.

P: I was just saying, I thought
I hadn't seen a stripper

P: but then i remembered
D: [heavy breathing]

P: I remembered that I had!
D: Now, I- I'd never heard that story,

D: That's nice.
P: I was actually feeling very embarassed

so I looked away most of the time.

D: Aaaw.
P: I didn't want people to be like:

"Oh look, he's looking".

D: Well, I think I win that one.
P: You win!

D: Purely for the strip panic there.

P: Congratulation.

D: Buzzfeed [woof] copies Phil,
P: Bitch.

D: Who hasn't, right?
By making a video about blank.

I'm just thinking about
what is the most interesting concept,

P: Yes.
D: And that's making a video about

P: Hey!
D: Aaaw.

D: Still true!
P: Do you know what's funny?

D: What?
P: Mine's "a full-time internet homo".

P: Wow.
D: Wow.

D: And this was produced five years ago.

P: It was!

D: There's literally no good solution to this.
P: No.

[laughs hard]

P: I'd like to watch other people do that,
I would not do that myself.

D: I mean, I feel like you
would just cry imagining that.

P: I would explode.

D: Why do I feel like
that will be some dumb TikTok trend there?

I'm combining cheese spray [P: No!]
and a soda stream [drinking sounds].

I think It's only right that
the next internet trend

that everybody's obsessed about is:

P: Not my meaty legs again!

D: I got the "Phil's meaty legs" card.
P: Oooh.

D: You need to celebrate
the meaty legs, Phil.

You got the childbearing hips

P: I do, I got the meat.
D: The hips don't lie

You need to back it up
like a dumb truck

You need to start using it.
That's your next project.

What the [censored]
did you tweet the other day?

P: What did I tweet the other day?

P: Oh yeah.

D: That's a thing that Phil tweeted,
put that shit on the screen.

P: Oh yeah, surprise, OnlyPhans.

D: I would like you to apologise to me

for seeing that with my eyeballs.

P: It was in my head and I just had
to release it onto the internet.

Sometimes that happens.
That was a thing.

D: It is my job to be
inappropriate and chaotic, Phil.

P: I know.
D: You're gonna throw the world

D: into unbalancedness.
P: We're in the dark timeline now.

P: You think we're getting
an office in the new place, it's actually

my OnlyPhans studio. I'm ready.
I've got the pillow. What's a pillow?

I've got the pillow!

D: Oh my god. Why did I agree to this?

Why am I back here?

P: I've got the backdrops.
D: Does anybody want this?

P: I've got the santa hats.
D: Is this content that the world needs?

P: I don't know. Right.
D: Is this what I should be doing with my life?

D: Are we undermining the things that
we're working towards?

P: We're not, this is just
a fun little hangout.

D: Is this encouraging me to give people
content quicker?

P: Yes.
D: Or much much slower?

P: You wanna do something to replace this
as soon as possible?

D: What that your whole agenda
with this video?

P: Yeah that was it.
D: That might work.

P: I'll get him back on the channel.
D: We'll see about that.

P: Thanks for that that was fun.
D: I would like to not buy the house with you.

I would like to distance myself from you.

P: We got any other spoilers?

D: What? That we can give people?
An exclusive leek?

P: Yeah, throw a little leek at them.

D: There's like a gap under our stairs
and I wanted to put something cool there

like a bonsai tree, but It would die
because we're [monkey sound]

P: We can't do bonsai trees.
D: So I have made-

P: Be careful!

D: [off camera]
They won't believe me!

P: Can you believe Dan made this?

D: Sideways maple diorama [P: Oh shite]
with some rocks and some wood.

We crafted our whole goddamn place
and it's tasteful.

P: This is tasteful.
D: Thank you.

So if you enjoyed this and you wanna hear
some more of us

D: If for some goddamn reason
you want more of this

that isn't all gonna be degenerative
Phil games,

it might just be nice conversation
and answering questions from them and stuff

P: Yes, we wanna crawl inside your ears,
if you would like that too

click the links below,
download Stereo,

follow both of us and if you do,
you could win

some pajamas

D: Or a [woof] cube.

D: Help us! What is all this [meow]?
P: I don't know.

P: It's a good drink in the end.

D: Thank you.

P: You're just chewing ice
as you look at me, what's happening?

D: Leave me alone [P: Oh my god]
I'm just vibing.

P: I hope you've enjoyed this very
classique Dan and Phil video.

D: Classically haunting energy
is a Dan and Phil concept.

P: I'm sure you'll see Dan again,
at some point in the future,

somewhere else,
If not, go listen to him.

You can subscribe, ding my bell,
like the video,

do whatever you want to the video.

P: Let's say goodbye.

D: Goodbye.
P: Bye.

D: Until the next time.

P: Goodbye.