-
Oh my god, look what I've found!
-
Is that a book?
-
I know a thing or two about books, and that's a book!
-
It's not just any book, guys!
-
Is it a young adult vampire romance novel?
-
Anyway, i just happened to find this book in Snape's bedroom in a locked trunk under his bed. It's his diary!
-
Wow, shall we read it?
-
I've got a better idea: let's read it!
-
Oh what a fascinating character study this will be!
-
Okay this is the first entry
-
"Dear Diary..."
-
Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.
-
I'm hungry!
-
What else is new, fatty? Let's get to the good stuff.
-
Today I put on my raincoat and traveled to Nocturn Alley. I purchased a pair of fancy mice.
-
When I brought them home, one devoured the other and then died of loneliness. I felt envy.
-
This is hilarious!
-
Oh look, Harry, I see your name!
-
Oh, you're good at reading, Hermione!
-
What?!
-
Today, that Potter boy showed me his middle finger.
-
When I attempted to punish him with detention, he shoved me into a wall, screaming, "Bother, bother!" over and over.
-
Later, he and his orange friend repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness.
-
Tonight I prayed for the first time in 20 years. I prayed for the end.
-
I remember that, Ron! Give me five!
-
You already took my money, Harry.
-
Never mind.
-
I lost a button on my cloak today. Minerva pointed it out in front of the entire faculty. Oh, cruel attention.
-
Button, oh button, where hath thou fled? Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread?
-
Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist? How I wish I could follow thee into the mist.
-
What is a bosom, Harry?
-
Um...
-
Yeah, tell him, Harry!
-
Oh, look, another page...
-
Today, while in the bath tub--
-
Eewww!
-
--I fell asleep and had a nightmare.
-
I was riding a thestral through a thunderstorm, and every thunderclap resolved into their voices.
-
"Bother. Bother."
-
Suddenly, it became music. I was at the yule ball with Lily Evans.
-
I asked her to dance. She asked me to die.
-
Would that I could, Lily, would that I could...
-
My mom was awesome!
-
When I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bathwater and I was late for golf with Lucious Malfoy.
-
Mmm, I like prunes!
-
Did somebody say prunes?!
-
I said prunes! How did he know?
-
What are you monkeys up to? Studying for class?
-
No, we're invading Professor Snape's privacy by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room.
-
But you don't have any prunes, do you?
-
I'm afraid not.
-
I'm very disappointed in you, Harry.
-
Okay, back to the stinky book!
-
Today, the orange one accidentally drank one of my more expensive elixirs.
-
He promptly vomited a glittering rainbow of foul waste.
-
The classroom errupted with applause, triggering my migraine.
-
I aborted the class and was left to clean the boy's sick.
-
Halfway through, Argus Filch showed up and bragged about his many affairs with Hogsmead barmaids.
-
Then he told me I smelled of broccoli and left without wishing me a happy birthday.
-
I thought of my father. I cried.
-
This got boring. Let's write a new entry!
-
That's a really fun idea!
-
Here's one of the quills I carry with me at all times!
-
"I am Snape. I'm so sad because I poop my pants all the time."
-
"I don't have any friends because I stink like broccoli and poop."
-
"I teach potions to Harry Potter and it's really boring because he's so cool, and it makes me have depression."
-
"Okay, I think I'll go cry now but not before I poop my pants. Bye."
-
Ha ha ha! Can I try?
-
Be my guest!
-
I...am...S...
-
Okay, Ron, that was a good try.
-
Eh...eh...somebody knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room. Wait a minute--that book! What are you doing?!
-
Snape! Ron stole your diary!
-
What?! You didn't read it, did you?!
-
Oh, he read it, all right! He read it all!
-
This is unacceptable!
-
I liked the story about the button, Snape.
-
You--you did?
-
It made me sad, thinking about that little button, lost and alone. I hope you find your button, Snape.
-
So do I, orange one, so do I...
-
[Ron] I like buttons!
