Weekend Update: Stefon On Spring - Saturday Night Live

Check out Seth Meyers on Late Night: http://bit.ly/LateNightSeth

Subscribe to SaturdayNightLive: http://j.mp/1bjU39d
SEASON 37: http://j.mp/1bjU399
Popular Clips: http://j.mp/15OzPO4
Stefon: http://j.mp/138SGVD
Weekend Update: Guests: http://j.mp/14KmIRj

City correspondent Stefon takes a break from watching "Royal Pains" to fill in Seth on hot spots to visit for March Madness and St. Patrick's Day. Aired 03/10/12

Seth Meyers: After a long winter, Spring hits New York in a couple of weeks, and with it will come MILLIONS of springtime tourists. Here with some tips on what they should check out, is our City Correspondent -- Stefon!

Stefon: Hiii.

Seth Meyers: Hi, Stefon! It's been a while

Stefon: I know. This job writing for "Smash" is killing me.

Seth Meyers: Oh. That makes a lot of sense. So, Stefon -- a lot of people are anxious to enjoy the city once the weather gets warm. What are some places folks should check out if they're looking for a Spring outing?

Stefon: If it's warm and you want to be outed... I know just the place for you: New York's hottest club is [ high-pitched squeal ] Maaaaaaary! Opened in 1997 by missing Folida woman Lisa Martinez, this club is currently going 90 miles per hour down Westside Highway. This place has EVERYTHING: Charts, graphs, Powerpoint, a guy who still thinks Jamba Juice is good for you. And if you liked Russell Crowe in "Les Misérables", you might want to hear Jasper the gorilla pass a kidney stone! [ he covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: This place sounds fancy.

Stefon: It is. There's even a password -- The last words of murdered blues legend Sweet Willie Walker.

Seth Meyers: Oh? what were his last words?

Stefon: [ in loud ghetto accent ] "My wallet?! Yeahhhhhhh, right!" [ he folds his arms tightly, then covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon... maybe we should try to think a little more family-oriented, you know? A place for the holidays.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Yessssss! I know just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is [ deep-voiced ] Your Mother And I Are Separating. [ he covers his face with his hands ] Don't be fooled by the charred Red Lobster sign out front; this club IS a burned-out Red Lobster. And it has EVERYTHING: A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, a sensible dinner, those shoes that nurses wear... And you can dance the night away to the sounds of Donald Duck having a Vietnam nightmare.

Seth Meyers: What does that sound like?

[ Stefon makes wheezy sleping sounds, then jolts into loud, wheezy, hyperventilating sounds ]

Seth Meyers: You dance the night away to that?

Stefon: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: Well, Stefon -- Spring Break is coming up. Any tips for college kids coming to have a safe and fun Spring Break?

Stefon: [ smiling sadistically ] Yesss!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Stefon: Safe and fun. If you’re looking to get hurt and go completely insane, I know JUST the place for you! New York's hottest club is [ squeezing his hand into a fist and pursing his lips at it ] So-phieeee! Based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire... [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ] Club promoter Joseph Gordon-Fisherman opened a SoHo hotspot located in a haunted diaper. When it comes to Spring Break, this place has EVERYTHING: Chutes, ladders, the outdoor concert from a Zoloft commercial... [ he cracks himself up ] If that's not enouh for you, you can hit the dance floor with a human fanny pack.

Seth Meyers: Now... for those of us who don't know, what is a human fanny pack?

Stefon: It's that thing of when a midget hangs around your waist... and holds your passport in his mouth! [ he cracks up and covers his face with his hands ]

Seth Meyers: I don't know if this is what we're looking for...

Stefon: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! I have two questions: Will you spend Spring Break with me... and Why not?

Seth Meyers: I can't. I’m taking my serious girlfriend to Mexico.

Stefon: To kill her? [ he crosses his fingers ]

Seth Meyers: No!!

Stefon: [ he pouts ] Well... if you go with me, you can join my Five-Timers Club!

Seth Meyers: [ smiling; curious ] What do I have to do five times?

[ Stefon keeps his lips pursed ]

Stefon: For "Weekend Update", I’m the future Mrs. Stefon Meyers! Good night!

Seth Meyers: Good night!

[ they hug to fade ]