Own your mistakes | Cristel Carrisi | TEDxZagreb

It's about recognizing, understanding and owning your mistakes.

Cristel Carrisi came from a famous entertaining family and was almost raised on stage. After her music career, she started to design swimwear. What happened after was a great life experience.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

So, it's hard to talk
about failure, isn't it?

It's probably one of the most
uncomfortable topics

that you could bring up.

No one likes to admit to them,
and yet, it's the most relatable topic.

Everyone in this room
has failed at something at some point.

There is the little things,

like failing an exam,
or a driver's test, a diet regime,

and then there is the big things
that touch us all in life,

like the failure
to keep a family together,

getting fired,

failure to keep sober,
or to raise a child properly.

I'm half American and half Italian,

and in the United States,
failure is something that's talked about.

It's accepted;

it's woven into the fabric
of social experiences.

So it's something
that even, at times, is glorified,

yet it's still really only cool
to talk about failure

from a point of success or power.

I, however, grew up in Italy,

and Italy is a country
where failure is an absolute stigma.

It's embarrassing;
it's shameful; it's taboo.

There's also the constant threat
of the "brutta figura,"

which means, in Italian,
to lose face or to look bad,

because we think that failure
makes you look bad,

in Italy and in many other countries too.

In my particular case,
this was a little more exasperated

by the fact that I grew up
in the public eye.

My parents are known singers in Italy,
and ever since I was a little girl,

I've been subjected
to public judgment and mass media.

And so, growing up in a country

where brutta figura is supposed
to be avoided at all costs,

growing up and keeping up appearances
hasn't always been that easy of a task.

I've been in the entertainment industry
ever since I can remember,

and I've always felt within me the need
to do something though, for myself.

I still today work for Italian television,

but I wanted to do something
entrepreneurial,

but I wouldn't let the fear of failure
get in the way of doing something new.

And I shouldn't then
let the shame of failure

eventually get in the way
of learning a valuable lesson.

So when I was 24,
I founded my first company,

my fashion brand, my swimwear brand.

And I put seven years of blood,
sweat, and tears into this company.

I worked so hard, I truly gave it my all,

until one day, I found myself sitting
at the desk of my accountant

crying and whining

because he was telling me that it was time
to close down my company.

It just wasn't making financial sense
to keep it open anymore.

And I was just looking at him

like, "You're crazy, how can I close down.

This is so embarrassing,
this brutta figura, it's so shameful.

What are people going to say,
what are people going to think?"

And he looked at me exasperated
because, honestly,

this was not the first time
we were having this conversation.

It was probably our fifth.
I just couldn't admit failure.

I couldn't admit to the shame

that I thought that failure
was wrapped in.

But he finally looked at me,

and he said something to me
that really resonated with me,

and it eventually freed me.

He said to stop focusing
so much on the end result,

on the fact that I had to
close down my company,

but to give myself
the right amount of credit

for all the amazing work
that I had put in over these seven years

and all the accomplishments
that I had achieved.

And he was right; he had seen it all.

I mean, I had started this company
with nothing but my few savings.

My first fashion show was in my backyard -
well actually, was my dad's backyard -

and I had to beg him
to let me use the space for it.

Because I had to
have my first fashion show in it.

So this was me in 2011,

carrying rocks from one side
of the runway to the other,

just hours before the guests
and all the press had arrived.

And when they finally did arrive,

it had just poured down rain
over the entire catwalk

and on the bales of hay
that I had put for people to sit on,

and even, finally, on the towels
that I had put over those bales of hay,

everything was completely soaking wet,

and nobody wanted to sit down
and let the fashion show begin.

When finally I did
convince them to sit down,

the models were completely unprofessional,

because at that point, my company
couldn't afford professional models.

It was a half disaster
if not a total disaster.

Over those seven years, however,

I managed to grow my brand
into a recognizable and reputable brand.

I worked with incredible photographers,

influencers, and models
all over the world.

I shot my campaigns all over the world,
from California to Thailand,

where I ended up
shooting my last campaign.

I received thousands of emails
of happy, happy clients,

who would write to me
how happy they were with their product.

In the end, we think that failure -

Or at least, we hear so much
how failure should be inspiring.

I was so fixated on the fact
that I had to close down my company

that I had wiped away all these years
of hard work and accomplishments.

Failure can be inspiring
and can lead to bigger and better things,

but nobody really talks about
that process of how do you get there:

How do you get through a failure,
how do you own it?

So I've put together a basic guideline,
of three basic guidelines,

of how you can get through a failure
and own up to one

so that you can fail a little
more elegantly than I have.

And these, in my case,
it's in work, in my company,

but it can be applicable to anything,
whether it's a relationship,

or whatever personal issue
that you're struggling with or failing at.

Number one: be responsible.

I know how boring it sounds, but trust me,
I'm going to try to make it interesting.

When we make a mistake
or when things go awfully wrong,

our first instinct is, usually,
to blame somebody else

and not take full responsibility.

I see this happen a lot in relationships,

but not taking the blame
doesn't make us look any cooler,

it just either makes us look like cowards,

or it makes us look like
we're in total denial.

As much as I really wanted to blame
the Italian tax system

for being the reason
why I had to close my company down,

I'm not going to do that;
I'm still trying not to do that.

But if you're not going to make a mistake
and finally admit to it

and understand how and where
you made the mistake,

then what's the point in failing at all?

I am who I am and where I am today
thanks to the consequences of my choices

and my choices only, nobody else's.

And if we're going to be responsible
for our goals, our ideals, and our dreams,

we're going to have to
be responsible for our failures

so that one day we can truly
be responsible for our successes.

Number two: focus on you.

I can't tell you how much time I've wasted

worrying about what other
people thought of me,

and when I'm not thinking about
what other people are thinking about me,

I'm comparing my life to other people's.

In our generation, especially,

we're constantly bombarded and flooded

by images of completely
unrealistic lifestyles on social media.

My life looks incredible on Instagram,

and I promise you,
it's completely far from it.

I have normal ups and downs,
just like everybody else's,

I just choose not to show it
on social media.

I promise you, I didn't
take a selfie and post it

the day that I was crying
on my accountant's desk.

I did, however, take a selfie one day

when I was walking home
it started pouring down rain on me,

I was carrying these heavy
bottles of water alone

until I finally got in front of my house,
and I was locked outside.

So I'm under the pouring rain
with my bottles of water,

locked out of my house,

but you know what I posted at that moment?

I posted this picture.

Don't worry about
what other people are doing.

Focus on you, focus on the quality
of your hard work and on your journey.

Do not waste your time
looking at what other people are doing,

because it's not reality.

Number three is balance.

I had to find the balance within me

where I was judging myself so harshly
that I felt like a loser,

but I wasn't recognizing all my hard work
and accomplishments.

But I also had to take
the right amount of responsibility

and understand
how and where I went wrong.

I had to find that balance
and meet myself in the middle

because only through balance
you truly get clarity,

and only through clarity do you really
understand where the message is

and you learn something.

I was someone that was obsessed
with the idea of success.

But success is not some magical land
at the end of the rainbow,

in the same way that failure
isn't black and white.

Life is truly 10% what happens to us
and 90% how we react to it.

Yes, failure can be inspiring.

Yes, it can lead us to bigger
and better things,

but the only true way we get there
is if we learn something

and if we own up to our failures.

Thank you.

(Applause)