Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU
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0:06 - 0:07So when it comes to sex,
-
0:07 - 0:12our hearts and minds
aren't always in a good place. -
0:12 - 0:13My friend Jean Marie says
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0:13 - 0:17that we Americans are sexually repressed
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0:17 - 0:19to the point of being sexually obsessed.
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0:19 - 0:21(Laughter)
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0:21 - 0:25Many of us grew up
hearing messages about sex -
0:25 - 0:27that it was dirty or shameful,
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0:27 - 0:30that nice people didn't talk about it
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0:30 - 0:32and those same nice people
when they did it, -
0:32 - 0:37they only did it in very serious
and sometimes sacred ways. -
0:37 - 0:41And we may have suspected
that that wasn't exactly true -
0:41 - 0:44and certainly not true all the time,
-
0:44 - 0:48but we didn't get a lot
of chance to talk about sex -
0:48 - 0:52or ask questions about it
and certainly not to explore it. -
0:52 - 0:55So what happened
to all that sexual curiosity -
0:55 - 0:57and energy and interest?
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0:57 - 1:01Sometimes it got driven
inside and became anxiety, -
1:01 - 1:04sometimes people acted on it outwardly
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1:04 - 1:08and they got branded outcasts and rebels.
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1:08 - 1:11Advertising figured out
that they could use that -
1:11 - 1:15to sell us everything
from toothpaste to Tupperware. -
1:15 - 1:18Television teased us with sexual innuendo
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1:18 - 1:23or gave us shows about
lifeguards running on the beach -
1:23 - 1:25in slow motion.
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1:26 - 1:29And then came easy-access Internet porn
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1:29 - 1:31and things really got messy.
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1:32 - 1:34So how do we deal with this?
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1:34 - 1:37How do we become a people
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1:37 - 1:41who can look at sex
honestly and confidently, -
1:41 - 1:45and who can see sex as a way
to make ourselves better people -
1:45 - 1:47and our world a better place?
-
1:48 - 1:49That's my job.
-
1:50 - 1:54I teach comprehensive
progressive sexuality education -
1:54 - 1:57in a little high school
just outside of Philadelphia. -
1:57 - 1:59And I wanted to share a couple
of ideas with you today -
1:59 - 2:03that might helps us get our hearts
and minds in a better place -
2:03 - 2:06when we think about sex and sexuality.
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2:06 - 2:08Now when I say sexuality,
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2:08 - 2:12what I mean is the way
that our bodies, our gender, -
2:12 - 2:18our sexual and romantic orientations
come together and make us who we are, -
2:19 - 2:22and impact how we put
ourselves in the world, -
2:22 - 2:24and how the world reacts to us.
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2:24 - 2:28See, we're not sexually active
people 24 hours a day, -
2:28 - 2:29seven days a week.
-
2:29 - 2:31That would be exhausting.
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2:31 - 2:34But we are sexual people.
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2:34 - 2:37From the moment we're born
to the moment we die, -
2:37 - 2:39every minute of every day.
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2:39 - 2:43Our sexuality is a fundamental
facet of our humanity. -
2:43 - 2:46We can't separate ourselves from it.
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2:46 - 2:47And so we have to learn
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2:47 - 2:50how to deal with it
in positive and healthy ways. -
2:52 - 2:54So the place to start
would be to think about -
2:55 - 2:58what's our bottom-line belief
when it comes to sex, -
2:58 - 3:02when push comes to shove
what do you really think about it? -
3:02 - 3:04What does your gut tell you?
-
3:04 - 3:07Let's do a little thought experiment.
-
3:07 - 3:09So I'm going to say
a letter of the alphabet, -
3:09 - 3:14and I want you to think
of the very first sexually related word -
3:14 - 3:17or phrase that pops into your head, okay?
-
3:17 - 3:19I'm not going to ask you
to share these out loud. -
3:20 - 3:21(Laughter)
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3:21 - 3:24Although later they might make
for some great conversation. -
3:25 - 3:28So just trust your gut,
don't overthink this, okay. -
3:28 - 3:29Here we go.
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3:30 - 3:31A.
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3:32 - 3:34Okay.
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3:34 - 3:35(Laughter)
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3:35 - 3:38Okay, how about this one, how about: J.
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3:39 - 3:41Okay, okay one more.
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3:42 - 3:44W.
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3:46 - 3:48Okay, so if you're like most people,
-
3:48 - 3:53you probably thought
of a sexual body part or a sexual act. -
3:53 - 3:56And then, you probably
had an emotional reaction -
3:56 - 3:58to that thought.
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3:58 - 4:01Some people might have felt
kind of embarrassed or ashamed. -
4:01 - 4:03"Oh my God, how did I think of that?"
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4:05 - 4:07Other people might have felt
kind of excited, -
4:07 - 4:09like, I'm going to think
about that a little more. -
4:09 - 4:11(Laughter)
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4:12 - 4:15Your gut reaction
gives you some real insight -
4:15 - 4:17into your bottom-line belief about sex.
-
4:17 - 4:19And in my work what I have found
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4:19 - 4:22is that there's two
very prevalent bottom-line beliefs -
4:22 - 4:24about sex in our society.
-
4:24 - 4:28And the first one is called
"the disaster model". -
4:28 - 4:31And the best example of this
comes from a sex-ed video -
4:31 - 4:33that was used in the 80's and 90's
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4:33 - 4:36called "No second chance".
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4:36 - 4:39It was an abstinence only video and in it
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4:39 - 4:42a little high school kid
asked the school nurse -
4:42 - 4:44who was teaching a sex-ed class,
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4:44 - 4:48"What if I don't want to wait
until I'm married to have sex?" -
4:48 - 4:52And the nurse looked at the kid and said,
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4:52 - 4:56"Well, I guess you'll just
have to be prepared to die." -
4:56 - 4:59(Laughter)
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5:00 - 5:05See, the disaster model
sees sex exactly like that. -
5:05 - 5:08It's a disaster waiting to happen.
-
5:08 - 5:11That it's about shame
and guilt and fear and yes, -
5:11 - 5:14there is some possible way
that sex could be nice and good, -
5:14 - 5:18but in most cases it's just
an invitation to an STD -
5:18 - 5:20and a lifetime of misery.
-
5:22 - 5:25Now the second bottom line
that I see a lot in society, -
5:25 - 5:27I call "the porn model".
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5:27 - 5:29And people who follow the porn model
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5:29 - 5:34buy into two of the biggest myths
that pornography offers to us. -
5:34 - 5:38The first is that everything in life
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5:38 - 5:40leads to sex.
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5:41 - 5:44So, a plumbing problem,
-
5:44 - 5:46(Laughter)
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5:46 - 5:48dirty swimming pool,
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5:48 - 5:50pizza delivery,
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5:50 - 5:55even a math class is just a prelude
to having sex with somebody. -
5:55 - 5:59Now, I don't know if you've really
considered the implications of this, -
5:59 - 6:03but that means
there's a lot of leaky pipes -
6:03 - 6:07and cold pizzas and unsolved
math equations in the world. -
6:07 - 6:10But that's what you get
if everything's about sex -
6:10 - 6:11and everything leads to sex.
-
6:11 - 6:15And then the second myth
that the porn model gives us, -
6:15 - 6:17it tells us that the sex that we have
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6:17 - 6:20isn't really connected
to the rest of our lives. -
6:21 - 6:23And to get my students
to think about that, -
6:23 - 6:25I ask them this question,
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6:25 - 6:29"Have you ever considered
the full human lives -
6:29 - 6:32of the people that you might see
-
6:32 - 6:34in one of those porn scenes,
-
6:34 - 6:37whether it's the character they play
or the actor him or herself -- -
6:37 - 6:41what do you imagine those people are doing
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6:41 - 6:4320 minutes after the scene is over?
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6:45 - 6:47Are they grocery shopping?
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6:47 - 6:50Are they picking up
their kid from daycare? -
6:50 - 6:52Are they going off to their other job
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6:52 - 6:54as a research assistant
at a biomedical lab? -
6:54 - 6:57Or do you imagine
that they just live right there -
6:58 - 7:01in that bed, or that pool deck,
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7:01 - 7:03or that warehouse?"
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7:03 - 7:05(Laughter)
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7:05 - 7:11The disaster model and the porn model
really get in our way of creating -
7:11 - 7:13healthy and positive
outlooks to sexuality, -
7:13 - 7:16and so we need a different model for that.
-
7:16 - 7:18I want to suggest one
and see what you think. -
7:18 - 7:21What if we actually could think
about sex and sexuality -
7:21 - 7:25instead of the disaster model,
instead of the porn model -
7:25 - 7:27as a form of nourishment?
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7:27 - 7:30Something that we can use
to feed our bodies, -
7:30 - 7:34our hearts, our minds,
our spirits in positive ways. -
7:35 - 7:37If we can connect
sexuality and nourishment, -
7:37 - 7:40it has a few good positive results.
-
7:40 - 7:45Nourishment is something natural
and normal and necessary. -
7:45 - 7:48I'm not saying
sexual activity is necessary, -
7:48 - 7:52but we are sexual people
every minute of every day. -
7:52 - 7:55And that sexuality is
an essential part of who we are -
7:55 - 7:58and it's normal and it's natural.
-
7:59 - 8:02And also, if we think about nourishment
we know that there is some nourishment -
8:02 - 8:05that's really good for us
and some that's not as good for as. -
8:05 - 8:08We know that there's some
that's more to our liking than others, -
8:08 - 8:11and we know that the more we know
about nourishment -
8:11 - 8:13and the better we understand it
-
8:13 - 8:17the better choices we can
make about or for ourselves. -
8:17 - 8:19And maybe we could see
sex in the same way, -
8:19 - 8:23something that the more we know about it
and the more we understand it, -
8:23 - 8:26the better we can use it
to make healthy choices for ourselves. -
8:27 - 8:29The second thing I think we can do
-
8:29 - 8:31to get our hearts and minds
in a better place about sex -
8:31 - 8:35is to change the way
we think about our genitals. -
8:35 - 8:39So I wanna ask us to revise
our genital expectations. -
8:40 - 8:43So when I teach about genitals
in my class I use this story, -
8:43 - 8:45and I'm going to tell you the story --
-
8:45 - 8:48see if you can put yourself
in the place of the main character. -
8:48 - 8:49Okay?
-
8:49 - 8:51So it's a beautiful day
here at Wake Forest, -
8:51 - 8:54you have woken up on time,
you went to your first class, -
8:54 - 8:57it was easy, you aced
the quiz that you had. -
8:57 - 8:59It's going well.
-
8:59 - 9:01Now it's lunch time
and you're very excited -
9:01 - 9:03so you go into the dining hall,
-
9:03 - 9:06you find the table
where all your friends are -
9:06 - 9:08and as you go to sit
down at the lunch table, -
9:09 - 9:12you realize that something is wrong.
-
9:14 - 9:18And you do a quick check, keys,
cell phone, laptop, okay. -
9:19 - 9:24And then it hits you, your
genitals have fallen off. -
9:24 - 9:25(Laughter)
-
9:25 - 9:30Somewhere between breakfast
and lunch you just lost them. -
9:30 - 9:33And you've been all over this campus.
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9:33 - 9:35Now some people would panic
at that moment, -
9:35 - 9:38but you don't, you are a smart
and savvy person. -
9:38 - 9:40You know what to do.
-
9:40 - 9:42You head straight
for the Wake Forest Office -
9:42 - 9:44of Lost and Missing Genitals.
-
9:44 - 9:46(Laughter)
-
9:46 - 9:49And as you go in there,
there's that kindly older woman -
9:49 - 9:51sitting behind the desk
and she's knitting. -
9:51 - 9:54And you walk in and mumble
something about having lost -
9:54 - 9:58your genitals and did
anybody turn anything in? -
9:58 - 10:00And she looks up at you and she smiles
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10:00 - 10:02and she chuckles a bit, and she says,
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10:02 - 10:07"Oh my, yes dear, it's been
a very big day for lost genitals. -
10:07 - 10:09If you can just go in the back,
they are all there. -
10:09 - 10:12You just pick out yours
and you can go home." -
10:12 - 10:14So you walk into the back room
and you are greeted -
10:14 - 10:19with a room full
of industrial steel shelving. -
10:19 - 10:22And filling those shelves are genitals.
-
10:22 - 10:23(Laughter)
-
10:23 - 10:25Some that have just shown up,
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10:25 - 10:27some that have been there for weeks.
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10:27 - 10:29(Laughter)
-
10:29 - 10:33All you have to do is pick out
your own and you're good to go. -
10:33 - 10:35So here's the question:
-
10:35 - 10:37"Could you pick out your own genitals?"
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10:38 - 10:40Now the boys in my class very often laugh
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10:41 - 10:44when I tell this story,
and they say something like this, -
10:44 - 10:48"Duh, I would call his name,
-
10:48 - 10:50he would leap into my arms
-
10:50 - 10:52and we go home."
-
10:52 - 10:54(Laughter)
-
10:54 - 10:56It's the rare man or boy
-
10:56 - 11:00who does not have a close
personal relationship with his penis. -
11:00 - 11:03That's actually not a bad thing,
it's really healthy. -
11:03 - 11:07But it's the bravado and it's the swagger
-
11:07 - 11:10that can sometimes come
from owning a penis -
11:10 - 11:11that becomes a problem.
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11:11 - 11:13I call that penis arrogance.
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11:14 - 11:16And a penis arrogance tells men
-
11:16 - 11:20that they are better than women
just because they have a penis. -
11:20 - 11:22And it puts men in eternal
competition with each other -
11:22 - 11:25to be more of a man than their friend is.
-
11:26 - 11:28Penis arrogance is something
-
11:28 - 11:31that contributes to sexual assault
and sexual abuse, -
11:32 - 11:35because it teaches men
to take rather than ask, -
11:35 - 11:38and to put their own needs
and their own desires -
11:38 - 11:40ahead of other people.
-
11:41 - 11:44Penis arrogance breeds homophobia,
-
11:44 - 11:49because it tells us that masculinity
and heterosexuality are essentially linked -
11:49 - 11:51and gay men betray that.
-
11:51 - 11:53So no homo dude.
-
11:53 - 11:55But we know that gay
and bisexual and queer men -
11:55 - 11:59can also be impacted but penis arrogance.
-
12:00 - 12:05Penis arrogance is so difficult
because what it does is it boxes men -
12:05 - 12:09into a very tiny restrictive
definition of manhood, -
12:09 - 12:12where we are willing
to sacrifice our authenticity -
12:12 - 12:14on the "alter of the man".
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12:16 - 12:18Okay, that was heavy,
-
12:18 - 12:20and I don't want you to misunderstand.
-
12:20 - 12:23As a gay man and a penis
owner for 50 years, -
12:23 - 12:25I think penises are great.
-
12:25 - 12:27(Laughter)
-
12:27 - 12:30But they are not lightsabers.
-
12:32 - 12:35They are not weapons
or measures of virility, -
12:35 - 12:37or power indicators,
-
12:37 - 12:39they do not spew forth
the cure for cancer. -
12:41 - 12:43They do not make one
man better than another -
12:43 - 12:45and they certainly do not
make men better than women. -
12:45 - 12:48They are just penises.
-
12:48 - 12:51They're multi-functional organs
that allow us to pee -
12:51 - 12:54and reproduce if we want
to and feel pleasure. -
12:54 - 12:57So penis pride: absolutely.
-
12:57 - 13:00Penis arrogance: no.
-
13:00 - 13:03Okay, so what about
the young women in my class, -
13:03 - 13:05how do they react to
the missing genitals story? -
13:05 - 13:07Well there's a lot less laughter.
-
13:07 - 13:09And it's more than
nervous kind of laughter -
13:09 - 13:11than the fun laughter.
-
13:11 - 13:14There's very little bravado,
there's a lot of silence. -
13:14 - 13:16Many young women will tell me
-
13:16 - 13:20that they would have no hope
of picking out their genitals -
13:20 - 13:21from those shelves.
-
13:21 - 13:24Many say they've never
even seen their own vulva. -
13:24 - 13:27Some of them only
at that moment are learning -
13:27 - 13:30that their genitals are called the vulva.
-
13:30 - 13:33A vagina, just so we're
clear is an internal organ. -
13:33 - 13:36You can't see a vagina
when you look at a naked woman. -
13:38 - 13:42How come there's so little
vulva awareness and vulva pride? -
13:43 - 13:47Why does our society treat vulvas
with such discouragement -
13:47 - 13:49and I would say disrespect?
-
13:49 - 13:53I mean, think about the common
things you might hear about vulvas, -
13:53 - 13:56that they are mysterious,
that they are complicated, -
13:56 - 13:59that they're smelly or that they're ugly.
-
13:59 - 14:02I would even go so far as
to ask why we are afraid -
14:02 - 14:04of vulvas and vaginas?
-
14:04 - 14:07Why are there stories
about vulvas that trap penises -
14:07 - 14:10or vaginas with teeth?
-
14:10 - 14:12(Laughter)
-
14:14 - 14:18How do we help women
understand and feel more pride -
14:18 - 14:20about their own bodies?
-
14:20 - 14:22Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues
-
14:22 - 14:26was all about helping women
feel a sense of empowerment -
14:26 - 14:32and feel permission to love,
appreciate and look at their vulvas. -
14:32 - 14:35And that's really good work
that we have to continue. -
14:36 - 14:40The other thing that happens
if we revise our genital expectations -
14:40 - 14:45is we make room
for our transgender and intersex, -
14:45 - 14:48and genderqueer brothers and sisters.
-
14:48 - 14:51And we think about people
who have spinal cord injuries -
14:51 - 14:53or other medical conditions
-
14:53 - 14:56that affect genital
function and sensation. -
14:56 - 15:00And we allow for people to live in a world
-
15:00 - 15:03without defining themselves
by what's between their legs -
15:03 - 15:05and how they use it.
-
15:05 - 15:08That's the world I would like to live in.
-
15:08 - 15:10And I think we need to work
to make it happen. -
15:10 - 15:13And lastly, I think
we need to really redefine -
15:13 - 15:15the phrase "having sex".
-
15:15 - 15:18If somebody comes to you
and says they had sex last night, -
15:18 - 15:20what do you assume they did?
-
15:20 - 15:22The classic assumption
-
15:22 - 15:25is that they had
vaginal intercourse with a penis, -
15:26 - 15:29unless the person who comes
to you is a gay man, right? -
15:29 - 15:33Because then it's a different assumption
that maybe it was anal intercourse. -
15:33 - 15:36And when it comes to lesbians having sex,
-
15:36 - 15:38a lot of people just get confused.
-
15:41 - 15:44The definition of having sex
is problematic for a couple of ways. -
15:44 - 15:46One, a definition that needs to change
-
15:46 - 15:49based upon the orientation
of the people involved is a problem. -
15:50 - 15:53The very fact that we get hung up on
how lesbians have sex -
15:53 - 15:56shows us that our definition
is pretty penis-centric. -
15:56 - 15:59It's a different artifact
of penis arrogance. -
15:59 - 16:02And lastly, the definition having sex,
-
16:02 - 16:06vaginal intercourse
with the penis is entirely mechanical. -
16:06 - 16:08Stick that in there.
-
16:08 - 16:11The definition says nothing about consent,
-
16:11 - 16:15or pleasure, or mutuality, or connection.
-
16:16 - 16:19So what if we could redefine having sex?
-
16:19 - 16:21And I'd redefine it this way:
-
16:21 - 16:24having sex means consensual activity
-
16:24 - 16:28designed to bring sexual pleasure
and satisfaction to the people involved. -
16:29 - 16:32I've heard a lot of people
push back against that definition, -
16:32 - 16:34they have a lot of problems.
-
16:34 - 16:37They say, "But how will
we know what people did?" -
16:38 - 16:40Why do we need to know what people do?
-
16:40 - 16:42(Laughter)
-
16:42 - 16:45And if we want to know
and they want to tell us, -
16:45 - 16:47why can't they just name
the behaviors they engaged in -
16:47 - 16:49and whether they like them or not?
-
16:50 - 16:53"Oh, but if we have that definition
we have to talk about sex -
16:53 - 16:54and that's really awkward."
-
16:54 - 16:56Well, it's awkward
-
16:56 - 16:59if we don't really believe
that sexuality is natural and normal. -
17:00 - 17:03"Oh, but what about
the definition of virginity?" -
17:04 - 17:07Isn't it time we got rid
of a definition of virginity -
17:07 - 17:09that divides women
into nice girls and sluts, -
17:09 - 17:11and has very little impact on men at all?
-
17:14 - 17:16The reason why I feel
so strongly about this -
17:16 - 17:19is that I see sex
as a social justice issue. -
17:20 - 17:24Our sexuality is a fundamental facet
of who we are as people. -
17:24 - 17:27And we have a responsibility
to use it to make a world -
17:27 - 17:30that is more fair,
more equal, more connected, -
17:31 - 17:33more free and more loving.
-
17:34 - 17:36We have to make a world
where what's between our legs -
17:36 - 17:38and the way we use it
-
17:38 - 17:42is not used to create
hierarchies of power and control, -
17:42 - 17:45but is used to create
connection, and fellowship, -
17:45 - 17:46and understanding.
-
17:47 - 17:50I hope that's an enticing vision for you.
-
17:50 - 17:53And I hope you'll join me
on the journey to help make it happen. -
17:53 - 17:55Thanks very much.
-
17:55 - 17:57(Applause)
- Title:
- Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.
Al Vernacchio discusses how sometimes when it comes to our own sexuality, our hearts and our minds are not in the same place. - Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 18:04
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Helene Batt approved English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU | |
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Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU | |
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Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU | |
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Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU | |
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Helene Batt accepted English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU | |
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Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU | |
![]() |
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU | |
![]() |
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU |