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Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU

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    So when it comes to sex,
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    our hearts and minds
    aren't always in a good place.
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    My friend Jean Marie says
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    that we Americans are sexually repressed
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    to the point of being sexually obsessed.
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    (Laughter)
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    Many of us grew up
    hearing messages about sex
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    that it was dirty or shameful,
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    that nice people didn't talk about it
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    and those same nice people
    when they did it,
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    they only did it in very serious
    and sometimes sacred ways.
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    And we may have suspected
    that that wasn't exactly true
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    and certainly not true all the time,
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    but we didn't get a lot
    of chance to talk about sex
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    or ask questions about it
    and certainly not to explore it.
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    So what happened
    to all that sexual curiosity
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    and energy and interest?
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    Sometimes it got driven
    inside and became anxiety,
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    sometimes people acted on it outwardly
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    and they got branded outcasts and rebels.
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    Advertising figured out
    that they could use that
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    to sell us everything
    from toothpaste to Tupperware.
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    Television teased us with sexual innuendo
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    or gave us shows about
    lifeguards running on the beach
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    in slow motion.
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    And then came easy-access Internet porn
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    and things really got messy.
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    So how do we deal with this?
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    How do we become a people
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    who can look at sex
    honestly and confidently,
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    and who can see sex as a way
    to make ourselves better people
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    and our world a better place?
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    That's my job.
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    I teach comprehensive
    progressive sexuality education
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    in a little high school
    just outside of Philadelphia.
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    And I wanted to share a couple
    of ideas with you today
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    that might helps us get our hearts
    and minds in a better place
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    when we think about sex and sexuality.
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    Now when I say sexuality,
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    what I mean is the way
    that our bodies, our gender,
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    our sexual and romantic orientations
    come together and make us who we are,
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    and impact how we put
    ourselves in the world,
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    and how the world reacts to us.
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    See, we're not sexually active
    people 24 hours a day,
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    seven days a week.
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    That would be exhausting.
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    But we are sexual people.
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    From the moment we're born
    to the moment we die,
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    every minute of every day.
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    Our sexuality is a fundamental
    facet of our humanity.
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    We can't separate ourselves from it.
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    And so we have to learn
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    how to deal with it
    in positive and healthy ways.
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    So the place to start
    would be to think about
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    what's our bottom-line belief
    when it comes to sex,
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    when push comes to shove
    what do you really think about it?
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    What does your gut tell you?
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    Let's do a little thought experiment.
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    So I'm going to say
    a letter of the alphabet,
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    and I want you to think
    of the very first sexually related word
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    or phrase that pops into your head, okay?
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    I'm not going to ask you
    to share these out loud.
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    (Laughter)
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    Although later they might make
    for some great conversation.
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    So just trust your gut,
    don't overthink this, okay.
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    Here we go.
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    A.
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    Okay.
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    (Laughter)
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    Okay, how about this one, how about: J.
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    Okay, okay one more.
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    W.
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    Okay, so if you're like most people,
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    you probably thought
    of a sexual body part or a sexual act.
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    And then, you probably
    had an emotional reaction
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    to that thought.
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    Some people might have felt
    kind of embarrassed or ashamed.
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    "Oh my God, how did I think of that?"
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    Other people might have felt
    kind of excited,
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    like, I'm going to think
    about that a little more.
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    (Laughter)
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    Your gut reaction
    gives you some real insight
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    into your bottom-line belief about sex.
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    And in my work what I have found
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    is that there's two
    very prevalent bottom-line beliefs
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    about sex in our society.
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    And the first one is called
    "the disaster model".
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    And the best example of this
    comes from a sex-ed video
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    that was used in the 80's and 90's
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    called "No second chance".
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    It was an abstinence only video and in it
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    a little high school kid
    asked the school nurse
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    who was teaching a sex-ed class,
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    "What if I don't want to wait
    until I'm married to have sex?"
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    And the nurse looked at the kid and said,
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    "Well, I guess you'll just
    have to be prepared to die."
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    (Laughter)
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    See, the disaster model
    sees sex exactly like that.
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    It's a disaster waiting to happen.
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    That it's about shame
    and guilt and fear and yes,
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    there is some possible way
    that sex could be nice and good,
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    but in most cases it's just
    an invitation to an STD
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    and a lifetime of misery.
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    Now the second bottom line
    that I see a lot in society,
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    I call "the porn model".
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    And people who follow the porn model
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    buy into two of the biggest myths
    that pornography offers to us.
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    The first is that everything in life
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    leads to sex.
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    So, a plumbing problem,
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    (Laughter)
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    dirty swimming pool,
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    pizza delivery,
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    even a math class is just a prelude
    to having sex with somebody.
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    Now, I don't know if you've really
    considered the implications of this,
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    but that means
    there's a lot of leaky pipes
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    and cold pizzas and unsolved
    math equations in the world.
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    But that's what you get
    if everything's about sex
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    and everything leads to sex.
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    And then the second myth
    that the porn model gives us,
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    it tells us that the sex that we have
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    isn't really connected
    to the rest of our lives.
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    And to get my students
    to think about that,
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    I ask them this question,
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    "Have you ever considered
    the full human lives
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    of the people that you might see
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    in one of those porn scenes,
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    whether it's the character they play
    or the actor him or herself --
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    what do you imagine those people are doing
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    20 minutes after the scene is over?
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    Are they grocery shopping?
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    Are they picking up
    their kid from daycare?
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    Are they going off to their other job
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    as a research assistant
    at a biomedical lab?
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    Or do you imagine
    that they just live right there
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    in that bed, or that pool deck,
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    or that warehouse?"
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    (Laughter)
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    The disaster model and the porn model
    really get in our way of creating
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    healthy and positive
    outlooks to sexuality,
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    and so we need a different model for that.
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    I want to suggest one
    and see what you think.
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    What if we actually could think
    about sex and sexuality
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    instead of the disaster model,
    instead of the porn model
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    as a form of nourishment?
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    Something that we can use
    to feed our bodies,
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    our hearts, our minds,
    our spirits in positive ways.
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    If we can connect
    sexuality and nourishment,
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    it has a few good positive results.
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    Nourishment is something natural
    and normal and necessary.
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    I'm not saying
    sexual activity is necessary,
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    but we are sexual people
    every minute of every day.
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    And that sexuality is
    an essential part of who we are
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    and it's normal and it's natural.
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    And also, if we think about nourishment
    we know that there is some nourishment
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    that's really good for us
    and some that's not as good for as.
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    We know that there's some
    that's more to our liking than others,
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    and we know that the more we know
    about nourishment
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    and the better we understand it
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    the better choices we can
    make about or for ourselves.
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    And maybe we could see
    sex in the same way,
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    something that the more we know about it
    and the more we understand it,
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    the better we can use it
    to make healthy choices for ourselves.
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    The second thing I think we can do
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    to get our hearts and minds
    in a better place about sex
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    is to change the way
    we think about our genitals.
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    So I wanna ask us to revise
    our genital expectations.
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    So when I teach about genitals
    in my class I use this story,
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    and I'm going to tell you the story --
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    see if you can put yourself
    in the place of the main character.
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    Okay?
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    So it's a beautiful day
    here at Wake Forest,
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    you have woken up on time,
    you went to your first class,
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    it was easy, you aced
    the quiz that you had.
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    It's going well.
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    Now it's lunch time
    and you're very excited
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    so you go into the dining hall,
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    you find the table
    where all your friends are
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    and as you go to sit
    down at the lunch table,
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    you realize that something is wrong.
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    And you do a quick check, keys,
    cell phone, laptop, okay.
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    And then it hits you, your
    genitals have fallen off.
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    (Laughter)
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    Somewhere between breakfast
    and lunch you just lost them.
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    And you've been all over this campus.
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    Now some people would panic
    at that moment,
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    but you don't, you are a smart
    and savvy person.
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    You know what to do.
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    You head straight
    for the Wake Forest Office
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    of Lost and Missing Genitals.
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    (Laughter)
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    And as you go in there,
    there's that kindly older woman
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    sitting behind the desk
    and she's knitting.
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    And you walk in and mumble
    something about having lost
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    your genitals and did
    anybody turn anything in?
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    And she looks up at you and she smiles
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    and she chuckles a bit, and she says,
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    "Oh my, yes dear, it's been
    a very big day for lost genitals.
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    If you can just go in the back,
    they are all there.
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    You just pick out yours
    and you can go home."
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    So you walk into the back room
    and you are greeted
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    with a room full
    of industrial steel shelving.
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    And filling those shelves are genitals.
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    (Laughter)
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    Some that have just shown up,
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    some that have been there for weeks.
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    (Laughter)
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    All you have to do is pick out
    your own and you're good to go.
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    So here's the question:
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    "Could you pick out your own genitals?"
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    Now the boys in my class very often laugh
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    when I tell this story,
    and they say something like this,
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    "Duh, I would call his name,
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    he would leap into my arms
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    and we go home."
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    (Laughter)
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    It's the rare man or boy
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    who does not have a close
    personal relationship with his penis.
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    That's actually not a bad thing,
    it's really healthy.
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    But it's the bravado and it's the swagger
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    that can sometimes come
    from owning a penis
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    that becomes a problem.
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    I call that penis arrogance.
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    And a penis arrogance tells men
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    that they are better than women
    just because they have a penis.
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    And it puts men in eternal
    competition with each other
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    to be more of a man than their friend is.
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    Penis arrogance is something
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    that contributes to sexual assault
    and sexual abuse,
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    because it teaches men
    to take rather than ask,
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    and to put their own needs
    and their own desires
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    ahead of other people.
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    Penis arrogance breeds homophobia,
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    because it tells us that masculinity
    and heterosexuality are essentially linked
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    and gay men betray that.
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    So no homo dude.
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    But we know that gay
    and bisexual and queer men
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    can also be impacted but penis arrogance.
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    Penis arrogance is so difficult
    because what it does is it boxes men
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    into a very tiny restrictive
    definition of manhood,
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    where we are willing
    to sacrifice our authenticity
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    on the "alter of the man".
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    Okay, that was heavy,
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    and I don't want you to misunderstand.
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    As a gay man and a penis
    owner for 50 years,
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    I think penises are great.
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    (Laughter)
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    But they are not lightsabers.
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    They are not weapons
    or measures of virility,
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    or power indicators,
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    they do not spew forth
    the cure for cancer.
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    They do not make one
    man better than another
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    and they certainly do not
    make men better than women.
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    They are just penises.
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    They're multi-functional organs
    that allow us to pee
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    and reproduce if we want
    to and feel pleasure.
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    So penis pride: absolutely.
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    Penis arrogance: no.
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    Okay, so what about
    the young women in my class,
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    how do they react to
    the missing genitals story?
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    Well there's a lot less laughter.
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    And it's more than
    nervous kind of laughter
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    than the fun laughter.
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    There's very little bravado,
    there's a lot of silence.
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    Many young women will tell me
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    that they would have no hope
    of picking out their genitals
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    from those shelves.
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    Many say they've never
    even seen their own vulva.
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    Some of them only
    at that moment are learning
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    that their genitals are called the vulva.
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    A vagina, just so we're
    clear is an internal organ.
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    You can't see a vagina
    when you look at a naked woman.
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    How come there's so little
    vulva awareness and vulva pride?
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    Why does our society treat vulvas
    with such discouragement
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    and I would say disrespect?
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    I mean, think about the common
    things you might hear about vulvas,
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    that they are mysterious,
    that they are complicated,
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    that they're smelly or that they're ugly.
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    I would even go so far as
    to ask why we are afraid
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    of vulvas and vaginas?
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    Why are there stories
    about vulvas that trap penises
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    or vaginas with teeth?
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    (Laughter)
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    How do we help women
    understand and feel more pride
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    about their own bodies?
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    Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues
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    was all about helping women
    feel a sense of empowerment
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    and feel permission to love,
    appreciate and look at their vulvas.
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    And that's really good work
    that we have to continue.
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    The other thing that happens
    if we revise our genital expectations
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    is we make room
    for our transgender and intersex,
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    and genderqueer brothers and sisters.
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    And we think about people
    who have spinal cord injuries
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    or other medical conditions
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    that affect genital
    function and sensation.
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    And we allow for people to live in a world
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    without defining themselves
    by what's between their legs
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    and how they use it.
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    That's the world I would like to live in.
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    And I think we need to work
    to make it happen.
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    And lastly, I think
    we need to really redefine
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    the phrase "having sex".
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    If somebody comes to you
    and says they had sex last night,
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    what do you assume they did?
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    The classic assumption
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    is that they had
    vaginal intercourse with a penis,
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    unless the person who comes
    to you is a gay man, right?
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    Because then it's a different assumption
    that maybe it was anal intercourse.
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    And when it comes to lesbians having sex,
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    a lot of people just get confused.
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    The definition of having sex
    is problematic for a couple of ways.
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    One, a definition that needs to change
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    based upon the orientation
    of the people involved is a problem.
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    The very fact that we get hung up on
    how lesbians have sex
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    shows us that our definition
    is pretty penis-centric.
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    It's a different artifact
    of penis arrogance.
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    And lastly, the definition having sex,
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    vaginal intercourse
    with the penis is entirely mechanical.
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    Stick that in there.
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    The definition says nothing about consent,
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    or pleasure, or mutuality, or connection.
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    So what if we could redefine having sex?
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    And I'd redefine it this way:
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    having sex means consensual activity
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    designed to bring sexual pleasure
    and satisfaction to the people involved.
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    I've heard a lot of people
    push back against that definition,
  • 16:32 - 16:34
    they have a lot of problems.
  • 16:34 - 16:37
    They say, "But how will
    we know what people did?"
  • 16:38 - 16:40
    Why do we need to know what people do?
  • 16:40 - 16:42
    (Laughter)
  • 16:42 - 16:45
    And if we want to know
    and they want to tell us,
  • 16:45 - 16:47
    why can't they just name
    the behaviors they engaged in
  • 16:47 - 16:49
    and whether they like them or not?
  • 16:50 - 16:53
    "Oh, but if we have that definition
    we have to talk about sex
  • 16:53 - 16:54
    and that's really awkward."
  • 16:54 - 16:56
    Well, it's awkward
  • 16:56 - 16:59
    if we don't really believe
    that sexuality is natural and normal.
  • 17:00 - 17:03
    "Oh, but what about
    the definition of virginity?"
  • 17:04 - 17:07
    Isn't it time we got rid
    of a definition of virginity
  • 17:07 - 17:09
    that divides women
    into nice girls and sluts,
  • 17:09 - 17:11
    and has very little impact on men at all?
  • 17:14 - 17:16
    The reason why I feel
    so strongly about this
  • 17:16 - 17:19
    is that I see sex
    as a social justice issue.
  • 17:20 - 17:24
    Our sexuality is a fundamental facet
    of who we are as people.
  • 17:24 - 17:27
    And we have a responsibility
    to use it to make a world
  • 17:27 - 17:30
    that is more fair,
    more equal, more connected,
  • 17:31 - 17:33
    more free and more loving.
  • 17:34 - 17:36
    We have to make a world
    where what's between our legs
  • 17:36 - 17:38
    and the way we use it
  • 17:38 - 17:42
    is not used to create
    hierarchies of power and control,
  • 17:42 - 17:45
    but is used to create
    connection, and fellowship,
  • 17:45 - 17:46
    and understanding.
  • 17:47 - 17:50
    I hope that's an enticing vision for you.
  • 17:50 - 17:53
    And I hope you'll join me
    on the journey to help make it happen.
  • 17:53 - 17:55
    Thanks very much.
  • 17:55 - 17:57
    (Applause)
Title:
Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU
Description:

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.
Al Vernacchio discusses how sometimes when it comes to our own sexuality, our hearts and our minds are not in the same place.

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDxTalks
Duration:
18:04

English subtitles

Revisions