7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them
-
0:01 - 0:04Shah Rukh Khan: "A girl
should be seen, not heard." -
0:04 - 0:06"Be quiet," or, "chup."
-
0:06 - 0:09These words are often used
to silence girls right from childhood, -
0:09 - 0:11well into adulthood
-
0:11 - 0:12and deep into old age.
-
0:12 - 0:16I'm proud to introduce our next speaker,
a true champion of the female voice, -
0:16 - 0:18an advisor on poverty,
-
0:18 - 0:20gender and development for the World Bank,
-
0:20 - 0:24United Nations and several NGOs
in India and the world over. -
0:24 - 0:28She calls herself a cultural detective.
-
0:28 - 0:32Let's raise our voices to welcome
renowned social scientist and author -
0:32 - 0:34Deepa Narayan.
-
0:34 - 0:36(Music)
-
0:36 - 0:40(Applause)
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0:45 - 0:47Deepa Narayan: The goal
of every loving parent -
0:47 - 0:49is to raise good girls,
-
0:49 - 0:51but what parents actually do
-
0:51 - 0:55is to constrain, confine
and crush their girls. -
0:55 - 0:57So as they crush their girls,
-
0:57 - 0:59they prepare them for abuse.
-
1:00 - 1:02This would be so devastating
-
1:02 - 1:05that no parent would be able to bear it,
-
1:05 - 1:06so it's disguised.
-
1:06 - 1:09In India, we call this "adjusting."
-
1:09 - 1:11I'm sure you've heard the word.
-
1:12 - 1:14"Darling, just adjust a bit.
-
1:14 - 1:15Just adjust.
-
1:15 - 1:18No matter what happens, just adjust."
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1:18 - 1:22"Adjust" trains girls to be powerless,
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1:22 - 1:24not to exist, not to be seen,
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1:24 - 1:26not to have a self,
-
1:26 - 1:33and it trains boys to claim power
and authority over the world. -
1:33 - 1:38And in the meantime we keep talking about
gender equality and women's empowerment. -
1:38 - 1:44After 2012, after the gang rape
in a moving bus in Delhi, -
1:44 - 1:49I really wanted to understand
the roots of abuse. -
1:49 - 1:52So I started asking
a very simple question: -
1:52 - 1:57what does it mean to you
to be a good woman or a good man today? -
1:58 - 2:01And I was so surprised by what I heard,
-
2:01 - 2:05the answers particularly
that young people gave, -
2:05 - 2:10that the project became a research project
and it took over my life. -
2:10 - 2:16For three years, I listened
to over 600 women, men and children, -
2:16 - 2:17educated, middle class,
-
2:18 - 2:22and it led to 1,800 hours of listening
-
2:22 - 2:24and 8,000 pages of notes,
-
2:24 - 2:26and it took another year
to make sense of it. -
2:26 - 2:32Nowadays, we see well-dressed, educated
women like many of you in this room, -
2:32 - 2:35all of you in this room, and myself,
-
2:35 - 2:38and we think the world has changed,
-
2:38 - 2:42but these external changes
are extremely misleading, -
2:42 - 2:45because on the inside,
we have not changed. -
2:46 - 2:49So today, I'm not going
to talk about poor people. -
2:49 - 2:52I'm going to talk only about
the middle and upper classes, -
2:52 - 2:55because we are the ones most in denial.
-
2:55 - 2:59We are the ones who have said
over and over again -
2:59 - 3:01that when women are educated,
-
3:01 - 3:03when they're employed
-
3:03 - 3:05and they earn incomes,
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3:05 - 3:08they will be equal, empowered and free.
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3:09 - 3:10They're not.
-
3:10 - 3:11Why?
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3:11 - 3:15From my research, I identify seven habits
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3:15 - 3:17that delete women,
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3:17 - 3:19that make women disappear,
-
3:19 - 3:21but these habits persist
-
3:21 - 3:24because they're so familiar to us
-
3:24 - 3:26and we've made them good and moral.
-
3:27 - 3:30Why would you change or drop
anything that's good and moral? -
3:32 - 3:34So, on the one hand, we love our children,
-
3:34 - 3:35we love our daughters,
-
3:35 - 3:37and on the other hand, we crush them.
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3:39 - 3:42Habit one: You don't have a body.
-
3:43 - 3:49The first step to make a girl a ghost
is to make her body disappear, -
3:49 - 3:51to pretend that she doesn't have a body.
-
3:51 - 3:54Akangsha, who is 23, said,
-
3:54 - 3:58"In my family, we never
spoke about the body, never." -
3:58 - 4:00And it is in this silence
-
4:00 - 4:04that millions and millions of girls
get sexually molested, -
4:04 - 4:07and they don't even tell their mothers.
-
4:08 - 4:10And it's the negative comments from others
-
4:10 - 4:15that leads to 90 percent of women
saying that they dislike their bodies. -
4:15 - 4:18When a girl rejects her body,
-
4:18 - 4:20she rejects her only house
-
4:20 - 4:23and invisibility and insecurity
-
4:23 - 4:25become her very shaky foundation.
-
4:25 - 4:29Habit two: Be quiet. Chup.
-
4:30 - 4:32If you're not supposed to exist
-
4:32 - 4:33and you don't have a body,
-
4:33 - 4:35how can you have a voice?
-
4:35 - 4:37So just about every woman said,
-
4:37 - 4:41"When I was little,
my mother used to scold me and say, -
4:41 - 4:44'Don't speak, be quiet, be chup,
-
4:44 - 4:48speak softly, don't argue
and never answer back. -
4:48 - 4:49Jawab nahi Dena.'"
-
4:49 - 4:51I'm sure you've all heard that.
-
4:52 - 4:54And so girls become afraid,
and they withdraw. -
4:54 - 4:58And they become quiet and they say,
-
4:58 - 4:59"Let it go. Jaane do.
-
5:00 - 5:01What's the point? Nobody listens."
-
5:02 - 5:04Educated women said
-
5:04 - 5:06that their number one problem
-
5:06 - 5:09was their inability to speak up,
-
5:09 - 5:12as if there was a foot on their throat
-
5:12 - 5:13ready to choke them.
-
5:14 - 5:17Silence slices off women.
-
5:19 - 5:22Habit three: Be a people pleaser.
-
5:22 - 5:24Please others.
-
5:24 - 5:27Everyone likes a nice woman
who always smiles, -
5:27 - 5:29who never says no, who is never angry,
-
5:29 - 5:31even when she's being exploited.
-
5:31 - 5:34Amisha, who is 18, said,
-
5:34 - 5:36"My father said,
-
5:36 - 5:39'If I don't see you smiling,
I don't feel good.'" -
5:40 - 5:41So she smiles.
-
5:42 - 5:44So her father is teaching her,
-
5:44 - 5:48my happiness is more important
than your happiness. -
5:48 - 5:52And in this business of trying
to make everyone happy all the time, -
5:52 - 5:55girls become afraid to make decisions.
-
5:56 - 5:59And when you ask them, they say,
-
5:59 - 6:01"Anything, whatever! Kuch bhi!
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6:02 - 6:04Everything goes. Chalta hai."
-
6:05 - 6:07Darsha, who is 25,
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6:07 - 6:09said with great pride,
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6:09 - 6:12"I'm highly elastic.
-
6:12 - 6:15I become whatever others want me to be."
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6:16 - 6:18Such girls give up their dreams,
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6:18 - 6:20their desires,
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6:20 - 6:22and nobody even notices,
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6:22 - 6:23except for depression.
-
6:24 - 6:25It moves in.
-
6:26 - 6:29Another slice of a girl is taken off.
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6:31 - 6:34Habit four: You have no sexuality.
-
6:35 - 6:39I think you'd all agree that
with a population of over 1.3 billion, -
6:39 - 6:41sex is not new to India.
-
6:42 - 6:47What is new is that
more people now acknowledge -
6:47 - 6:50that women, too,
have a right to sexual desire. -
6:51 - 6:55But how can a woman who has not
been allowed to own her body, -
6:55 - 6:57who hasn't been educated about her body,
-
6:57 - 6:59who may have been sexually molested,
-
7:00 - 7:01who cannot say no
-
7:01 - 7:03and who has been filled with shame,
-
7:03 - 7:06how can she claim her sexual desire?
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7:06 - 7:09A woman's sexuality is suppressed.
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7:11 - 7:14Habit five: Don't trust women.
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7:15 - 7:17Imagine how the world would change
-
7:17 - 7:20if women came together in solidarity,
-
7:20 - 7:23but as to make sure
that this doesn't happen, -
7:23 - 7:26our culture places high moral value
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7:26 - 7:30on loyalty to men and family secrecy.
-
7:30 - 7:32Woman after woman said,
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7:32 - 7:34"I know only one trustworthy woman,
-
7:34 - 7:36and that's me."
-
7:36 - 7:38Even Ruchi, who is 30
-
7:38 - 7:41and who works on women's empowerment
at Delhi University, said, -
7:42 - 7:45"I don't trust women.
They're jealous and they backbite." -
7:45 - 7:47Obviously, then, in cities,
-
7:47 - 7:49women don't join women's groups,
-
7:49 - 7:52and when you ask them why, they say,
"We don't have time for gossip." -
7:53 - 7:57It's much easier
to demolish a woman who is alone. -
7:58 - 8:02Habit six: Duty over desire.
-
8:03 - 8:07Muskan gave a very long definition
of a good girl, and she's only 15. -
8:07 - 8:10"She is kind, gentle, polite, loving,
-
8:10 - 8:12caring, truthful, obedient,
respects elders, -
8:12 - 8:16helps everyone unconditionally,
and is good to others and fulfills duty." -
8:18 - 8:20Tiring, isn't it.
-
8:20 - 8:23By the time you fulfill duty,
-
8:23 - 8:26whatever little desire
is left is also lost. -
8:26 - 8:30And when sacrificing mothers
have nothing left to say -
8:30 - 8:31except talk about food --
-
8:31 - 8:35"Have you eaten? Khana kha liya?
What will you eat?" -- -
8:35 - 8:39men like Saurabh, who is 24,
call them "boring." -
8:40 - 8:43A woman becomes a residue.
-
8:43 - 8:47Habit seven: Be totally dependent.
-
8:47 - 8:50So all these habits
collectively crush women, -
8:50 - 8:52fill her with fear
-
8:52 - 8:55and make her totally dependent
on men for her survival, -
8:56 - 8:59and this allows the system
of male power to continue. -
9:00 - 9:05So all these seven habits
that we thought were good and moral -
9:05 - 9:08snatch life away from girls
-
9:08 - 9:10and position men to abuse.
-
9:11 - 9:13We must change.
-
9:13 - 9:14How do we change?
-
9:15 - 9:17A habit is just a habit.
-
9:18 - 9:20Every habit is a learned habit,
-
9:20 - 9:22so we can unlearn them
-
9:22 - 9:24and this personal change
is extremely important. -
9:24 - 9:27I had to change too.
-
9:27 - 9:29But this doesn't change the system
-
9:29 - 9:31that crushes millions of other women.
-
9:32 - 9:34So we have to go to the roots.
-
9:34 - 9:39We must change what it means
to be a good woman and a good man, -
9:39 - 9:42because this a foundation
of every society. -
9:42 - 9:47We don't need elastic women,
we need elastic definitions, -
9:47 - 9:48for men too,
-
9:48 - 9:54and this big societal change
cannot happen without men's involvement. -
9:54 - 9:55We need you.
-
9:55 - 9:58We need men to become champions of change,
-
9:58 - 10:01to develop strong change muscles.
-
10:01 - 10:04Otherwise, it will be two more centuries
-
10:04 - 10:06before our girls, and our boys,
-
10:06 - 10:07are safe and free.
-
10:08 - 10:15Imagine half a billion women
coming together, with the support of men, -
10:15 - 10:18to talk to one another
for conversation, for change, -
10:18 - 10:20both personal and political,
-
10:20 - 10:22and imagine men in their own circles,
-
10:22 - 10:26and imagine women and men coming together
to just listen to each other -
10:26 - 10:29without judgment, without blame,
-
10:29 - 10:32without accusations and without shame.
-
10:32 - 10:34Imagine how much we would change.
-
10:34 - 10:36We can do this together.
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10:36 - 10:38Women, don't adjust.
-
10:39 - 10:41Men, adjust.
-
10:42 - 10:44It's time.
-
10:44 - 10:45Thank you.
-
10:45 - 10:49(Applause)
-
10:50 - 10:51SRK: How well said, how wonderful.
-
10:51 - 10:53Everyone, Deepa, please.
-
10:53 - 10:55Listening to her, I realized
-
10:55 - 10:58that even in the simplest conversations
that we have with women, -
10:58 - 11:00we're actually being aggressive.
-
11:00 - 11:03For example, I do tell
my daughter sometimes, -
11:03 - 11:06"Yaar Tu hasti hai to mujhe
accha lagta hai varna bura lagta hai". -
11:06 - 11:08So sorry, I would never do that.
-
11:08 - 11:10Aaj Se main meri beti ko yahi bolunga.
-
11:10 - 11:11Whatever you're doing,
-
11:11 - 11:14mujhe accha hi lagta hai,
aur accha nahi bhi lagta hai -
11:14 - 11:17Toh mera kya, tum wohi karo jo
tumhare ko lagta hai, right? -
11:17 - 11:20(Applause)
-
11:20 - 11:21How did you feel,
-
11:21 - 11:27first listening to so many
unfulfilled stories, desires, -
11:27 - 11:28lack of independence,
-
11:28 - 11:33of girls that you normally would assume
we think these girls are better off? -
11:33 - 11:34DN: Very depressed.
-
11:34 - 11:37It was shocking for me,
and that's why I couldn't stop, -
11:37 - 11:41because I had no plans to do a study
and no plans to write a book. -
11:41 - 11:45I'd written 17 books before,
and I thought, "I'm done," -
11:45 - 11:47but when I went to St. Stephen's College
-
11:47 - 11:52and I heard, at most elite colleges
you well know from Delhi, -
11:52 - 11:54and the young women and the men,
-
11:54 - 11:58what they said about what it meant
to them to be a woman and man -
11:58 - 12:02sounded not like me
but like my mother's generation. -
12:02 - 12:05So then I went to another college
and another college. -
12:05 - 12:06The thing that was striking to me
-
12:06 - 12:10is that each woman felt she was alone,
-
12:10 - 12:13that she hides her fear
and hides her behavior, -
12:13 - 12:15because she thinks it's a personal fault.
-
12:16 - 12:19It's not a personal fault, it's training,
-
12:19 - 12:21and I think that's the biggest revelation
-
12:21 - 12:25is that, if we stop pretending,
-
12:25 - 12:27then the world changes.
-
12:27 - 12:29SRK: Do you girls all agree
with what Deepa is saying? -
12:29 - 12:32(Applause)
-
12:32 - 12:34Already see that young girl saying,
-
12:34 - 12:37"Heard, heard what she said?
You say this to me." -
12:37 - 12:38Yeah, that's the way it should be.
-
12:38 - 12:41You, boy, you adjust.
We are not adjusting anymore, OK? -
12:41 - 12:43(Applause)
-
12:43 - 12:45Thank you so much.
Have a good evening. Thank you. -
12:45 - 12:46(Applause)
- Title:
- 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them
- Speaker:
- Deepa Narayan
- Description:
-
In India (and many other countries), girls and women still find themselves silenced by traditional rules of politeness and restraint, says social scientist Deepa Narayan. In this frank talk, she identifies seven deeply entrenched norms that reinforce inequality -- and calls on men to help usher in change.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 12:59
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them | ||
Abhinav Garule edited English subtitles for 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for 7 beliefs that can silence women -- and how to unlearn them |