Thank You God - Tim Minchin

Taken from Tim Minchin and The Heritage Orchestra (Live at the Royal Albert Hall), available from:
UK & Europe shop: http://www.timminchin.com/merchandise/europe/
Australia shop: http://www.timminchin.com/merchandise/australasia/
North America shop: http://www.timminchin.com/merchandise/america/

Tim: "For some time I've been keeping certain tunes off t'internet in order to ensure audiences of my live shows get a few surprises. I like surprises. However, as an Easter gift I'm putting the Tim Minchin and the Heritage Orchestra version of "Thank You God" up on the YouTubular for y'all to enjoy. I do hope you do.
tx"

Sorry, I'm procrastinating.

Look, there's just something I...

... I kind of need to address, and I should do it now.

Over the years I've realized that...

a lot of my audiences come to my shows

particularly because I sing about beliefs.

Specifically, in the past I've sung a lot about faith and religion

and, if I'm completely honest with you, I've tended to mock some of the...

not in general... but some of the... perceiv... hypocrisies

But I don't want the audience to be waiting for that,

because I'm not doing it... anymore.

Well, I know... look, you've earned an explanation, you're right.

Something happened to me, see.

When I was touring my last show in Australia, it was the beginning of last year.

I was doing a gig, not one of my gigs, it was actually a 'new material' night...

hosted by Ross Noble, you know...

the long-haired, mentally-ill northerner.

No, he's not, honestly he's a genius.

(which is a mentally ill person with an andience)

He's beautiful, he's...
you know Ross, he's the best.

He does this amazing gig, and we're having a drink afterwards.

There's this really nice vibe in the bar, but I notice this dude...

who slightly uncomfortably was hovering,
sort of on the periphery of our group.

And I notice in particular he's a tall, really handsome guy

he had these nice dreadlocks that you can get for about £600 at the hairdresser.

And he had his shirt open to about here and is very tanned,

but I noticed him particularly because he had a long silver chain,

and hanging on the end of the chain, a quite prominent silver cross.

The sort of cross you might wear if you're a fan of... intersections?

or... the lowercase letter 'T'

or probably most commonly if you're a fan of the aparatus by which first century romans

put to death and tortured jewish insurgents.

Anyways, sort of standing there, and eventually he made the move and he came over...

"Lovely play" he said and "hi, g'day, I'm Sam" (his name was Sam)

"I'm from Dandenong"

he was from Dandenong, which is [...] just to the south-east of Melbourne.

And we got talking, but I could tell he wanted to talk to me, and eventually...

he managed to isolate me from... the pack.

And he said "Tim, I've always wanted to talk to you, because..."

"I'm a fan of your work, and I don't want you to think I'm offended or anything, but..."

"as you notice I'm a christian"

(he was a christian)

"I've always wanted to ask you why?"

"Why you don't believe in God."

And I said:
"Well Sam, I don't believe in God

for the same reason that anyone doesn't believe in a thing, doesn't believe in it

because I haven't yet been offered enough evidence to [overcome] my doubts."

And he said: "But you don't just go through your whole life only believing

things for which you have evidence!?"

And I said... "yep."

"it's pretty much how I... started my way through my turgid existence, yeah."

And he said "what about love?" and I said "what about love?"

He said "do you believe in love?" and I said "yeah, I believe in love, I think..."

"I love, I am loved... sure"

And he said "A-ha! You don't have any evidence for love!"

And I said... "huh I think... I mean, I think... I thought... yeah"

"Sure, love without evidence is... stalking!"

And he said "well Tim if it's evidence you want, how about this:"

and he told me this story, this incredible story about his mom, you see...

Sam and his mother were members of a big evengelical church congregation in Dandenong

which is one of those... new glassy-type ones.

In her early 60s, Sam's mom had gone to the doctor with a problem with her eye

and she was diagnosed an irreversible degenerative eye disorder.

And they told her that if she didn't get surgery very quickly, she would lose her eyesight.

and Sam's mom was afraid, she didn't... believe in modern medicine

she didn't trust doctors, she was afraid of hospital and the idea of surgery, but...

Sam and his mom went to this church, this incredible church, and that Sunday...

the entire congregation of the church, some 1700 people prayed at the same time for Sam's mom.

And the following Tuesday, they went back to the doctor,

and there was no sign that there'd ever been anything wrong with her eye.

She was healed, she was... cured.

And the reason why this story had an impact on me is because I try to...

be intellectually honest with others, and with myself

and all I've ever asked for is evidence.

And here I was, witnessing a first-person account of what can only be described as a miracle.

So I went home... and I wrote this song.

I have an apology to make

I'm afraid I've made a big mistake

I turned my face away from you, Lord

I was too blind to see the light

I was too meek to feel Your might

I closed my eyes; I couldn't see the truth, Lord

But then like Saul on the Damascus road,

You sent a messenger to me, and so

Now I've have had the truth revealed to me

Please forgive me all those things I said

I'll no longer betray you, Lord

I will pray to you instead

And I will say thank you, thank you

Thank you, God

Thank you, thank you

Thank you, God...

Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum

I had no idea, but it's suddenly so clear now

I feel such a cynic, how could I have been so dumb?

Thank you for displaying how praying works:

A particular prayer in a particular church

Thank you Sam for the chance to acknowledge this

Omnipotent ophthalmologist

Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum

I didn't realize that it was so simple

But you've shown a great example of just how it can be done

You only need to pray in a particular spot

To a particular version of a particular god,

And if you pull that off without a hitch,

He will fix one eye of one middle-class white bitch

I know in the past my outlook has been limited

I couldn't see examples of where life had been definitive

But I can admit it when the evidence is clear,

As clear as Sam's mum's new cornea

(And that's extremely clear!)

Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum

I have to admit that in the past I have been skeptical

But Sam described this miracle and I am overcome!

How fitting that the sighting of a sight-based intervention

Should open my eyes to this exciting new dimension

It's like someone put an eye chart up in front of me

And the top five letters say: I C, G O D

Thank you, Sam, for showing how my point of view was being so flawed

I assumed there was no God at all but now I see that's cynical

It's simply that his interests aren't particularly broad

He's largely undiverted by the starving masses,

Or the inequality between the various classes

He gives you strictly limited passes,

Redeemable for surgery or two-for-one glasses

I feel so shocking for historically mocking

Your interests are clearly confined to the ocular

I bet given the chance, you'd eschew the divine

And start a little business selling contacts online

Fuck me Sam, what are the odds

That of history's endless parade of gods

That the God you just happened to be taught to believe in

Is the actual one and he digs on healing,

But not the AIDS-ridden African nations

Nor the victims of the plague, nor the flood-addled Asians,

But healthy, privately-insured Australians

With common and curable lens degeneration

This story of Sam's has but a single explanation:

A surgical God who digs on magic operations

No, it couldn't be mistaken attribution of causation

Born of a coincidental temporal correlation

Exacerbated by a general lack of education

Vis-a-vis physics in Sam's parish congregation

And it couldn't be that all these pious people are liars

It couldn't be an artefact of confirmation bias

A product of groupthink, a mass delusion,

An Emperor's New Clothes-style fear of exclusion

No, it's more likely to be an all-powerful magician

Than the misdiagnosis of the initial condition,

Or one of many cases of spontaneous remission,

Or a record-keeping glitch by the local physician

No, the only explanation for Sam's mum's seeing:

They prayed to an all-knowing superbeing,

To the omnipresent master of the universe,

And he quite liked the sound of their muttered verse.

So for a bit of a change from his usual stunt

Of being a sexist, racist, murderous cunt

He popped down to Dandenong and just like that

Used his powers to heal the cataracts of Sam's mum

Of Sam's mum!

Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum!

I didn't realize that it was such a simple thing

I feel such a dingaling, what ignorant scum!

Now I understand how prayer can work:

A particular prayer in a particular church

In a particular style with a particular stuff

And for particular problems that aren't particularly tough,

And for particular people, preferably white

And for particular senses, preferably sight

A particular prayer in a particular spot

To a particular version of a particular god

And if you get that right, he just might

Take a break from giving babies malaria

And pop down to your local area

To fix the cataracts of your mum!

It's a miracle.