City Slickers in Westworld feat. Billy Crystal

Years after their 'City Slickers' narrative was retired, Westworld hosts Mitch (Billy Crystal) & Phil (Daniel Stern) are still happily driving cattle, however Mitch has started to malfunction and it's up to Stubbs (Luke Hemsworth) to analyze why he has gone off his loop.

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[ Westworld title theme ♪ ]

[footsteps]

[ Mitch voicing Bonanza theme ♪ ]

♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin', rawhide ♪

- That's enough.
- Roll...

[Stubbs] Mitchie the Kid.

Haven't seen you in
here for quite some time.

You know,
Mitch is one of the oldest house in the park.

Used to have one of our
best-selling narratives.

Dissatisfied city slicker rides
out west with his friends

to herd cattle and try and
find his smile again.

[Sylvester] Does finding a smile involve
going completely off his loop?

Why don't we ask him?

I always wanted to do this.

Mitch... Hellooo?

Do you know where you are?

Uh, the waiting room of the CIA?

Or the waiting room at CAA?
[giggles]

This place has less privacy
than Trump Tower. [giggles]

Limit your witty affect please.

Hm.

What happened in the park today?

Uh, today was like any other day.

I woke up, hearded some cows,
Phil took an hour to pee,

and you know, same old same old,
just living the life. [giggles]

Analysis.

- Are you lying to me?
- Oh yeah.

This is footage of when
he started malfunctioning.

[device beeps]

[gun shot, screams in the background]

What is it with the milk?
He does like cows though, so.

[beep]

Do I set it to channel 3
and then press record?

Doesn't matter what
channel you're on.

- You just have to press the button.
- Ah!

And then you put the tape in?

[shouting] The tape is already in ya moron!

[gun shot]

- What are they even talking about?
- They're talking about programming a VCR.

That's a 90s thing.

I'm resetting your annoyance levels and
doubling your tolerances for Phil, so.

Mitchie the Kid,
you should be good to go.

Thank you,
other Hemsworth Brother. [giggles]

[device]

Never gets old.

♪

[indistinct talking]

Get the wood.
Can't cook [bleep] without a fire.

Ah, don't sell yourself short, cookie.
You can cook [bleep] in all conditions.

[whispering]
What are you doing with these guys?

They're digging dirt for gold.

I didn't come here for that,
I came here to push cows.

Well, a lot of gold miners
are also cowboys.

[cowboy] Hey! Now pick up that
[bleep] axe and go chop us...

[Mitch] They're just dirt guys.
[stammers] I mean, look at...

How come everybody's frozen
and we didn't freeze?

I didn't freeze
because you didn't freeze.

Do you have to do
everything that I do Phil?

Can't you just be your own man?

[stammers] What kind of man
do you think I should be?

♪

- A dead one.
- [gun shot]

[Stubbs] Mitch. Phil.

Bring yourselves back online.

Oh, this can't be good.

- Are we in detention?
- I don't know where the hell we are.

Last thing I remember is I
was riding on the plains with Curly,

and he was trying to
teach me the secret to life.

- Secret to life?
- Ooh, yeah.

- What was it?
- He said it was one thing, just one thing.

- Your finger?
- No, not my fingers.

It is one thing.
You stick to the one thing in your life,

- and everything else means [bleep]
- Wow. What was it?

That you have to figure
out for yourself.

That's a load of crap. Seriously, what was it?
What was the one thing?

- [indistinct background talking]
- Obviously, their core friendship

parameters need to be realigned.

- What is the one thing? The one thing--
- The one thing is this!

[gun shot]

Freeze all motor functions.

So the secret to life is shooting me?

[Sylvester] Now they're not
responding to vocal commands.

- ...Go ahead. Go ahead. Right here.
- I'll prep for a decommission.

- Shoot me!
- [gun shot]

You shot me!

Hey fellas, where the hell are we?

What is this, the Kevorkian Ear
Nose and Throat Clinic? [giggles]

Shut up.

Just imagine I am a dentist,
but for your nose.

- Tilt your head back please Mitch.
- [drilling starts]

[Sylvester] There we go.

Oooh, right in the schnoz.

[drilling stops]

[Phil] Mitch? Pal?

[Mitch sneezing]

Goddammit!

[Mitch] Ah! I can breathe again.

This is unbelievable!

See, I'm from Long Island.
We had a lot of allergies when I was a kid.

My parents were gonna send me to
Scottsdale Arizona to grow up in a dry environment.

Take it easy!

- Can you do the other side?
- That's it. I've had enough.

You're both going into cold storage.

Why is everybody naked?

Because all the hosts are naked.

- Why aren't you guys naked?
- Um, cause it's in HD.

- Boobs. Eh.
- You guys are cute.

- Hi, I'm Mitch.
- I'm Clementine.

Not much of a rind on you.

- I'll give you a discount.
- How much?

It's $5 dollars for an hour,
it's $4 if you bathe first.

Does it have to be
an hour all at once?

Can it be spread out
over like a month or two.

- We could--
- We'll work something out.

Oh good, okay.

♪

Holy [bleep]. $5 bucks.

♪

Anybody? I got 5.

- I got 5! Hello?
- [cow bellows]

[Mitch] Norman, not now!