Bill Cosby - Himself

The brilliant stand up act, here is Bill Cosby - Himself. Bill talks about various things from the foolishness of drugs, alcohol, having a 'good time', and going to the dentist, before getting to his main topic; himself. From his childhood to his wife, to natural childbirth and his children, this is hilarious, wholesome family entertainment at its best. Filmed in Canada.

Want to see Mr. Cosby, _himself?_ Here's the link to his channel. :)
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaeM0bTPvfdSRfmLms0oNfg

(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
by Bill Cosby)

(applause)

(applause and whistling)

(applause and whistling continues)

(mouths) More. More. More.

- (man in audience yells)
- (inaudible)

Sit up there and yell like that.
Today's only Thursday,

for crying out loud. Thursday.

You gotta wait till Friday.

lt's always strange.

l've had a lot of people work for me

and l've found out it's a funny thing that

you give them Saturday and Sunday off

and they work so hard
to get to those two days

and those are the two days that
they totally destroy themselves.

(audience laughing)

l mean, you know,
you think to yourself, you say,

''My goodness,
l've really pounded these people

and worked them to death'' and
Friday comes and they say, ''Yeah!''

And then they come in Monday...

(audience laughing)

...say, ''Boy, am l glad to be back here.

''l'm no good on my own.

l was given two whole days
and l just went crazy.'' Yeah.

l don't know where you get these people
from. Sometimes l think it's drugs.

lt's got to be drugs,
'cause people on pure air

don't worry about things like that.

You know, the drugs, the drugs, l really,

l think drugs make people
so, you know, they get like:

l've seen 'em. You know,
they take (inhales deeply)

you know, and then they
have to hold it in, see.

See, that's the problem with smoking,
you have to (inhales sharply) look.

Now, your body doesn't want it
so it starts to kick it out

whether you want to hold it or not,
so you begin to (sputtering)

(continues sputtering)

(coughing)

(continues coughing)

Now, the best part about drugs
is that while you're doing that,

the person sitting next to you is going,
''Hey, man, pass that over.''

(audience laughing)

Then the people get stoned.
Now this is the fun part of getting...

They get stoned,
then they become paranoid:

Now, when they started out, they said,
''Let's get high and have fun.''

So they're high, now they're paranoid.

''Am l falling out of this chair?''

Then l've known people who've
gotten stoned and they start to laugh

and nobody knows
what they're laughing at.

You know, they're just:
(mouthing laughter)

(laughs uproariously)

''No, wait a minute, wait a minute.''

(laughs uproariously)

''No, wait a minute.

''l went over to the...

''Ooh!

(laughs)

''No, wait a minute.

''l went over to the Burger King.

''And so the guy took a piece of meat,

''and threw it on the grill.

''l said, 'Oh, wow!'

''Ooh!

''So then he turned it over.

''lt was all brown.

''l said, 'Far out!'

''And he put it between
two pieces of bread.

''l said, 'Oh, no!'

And the guy ate it.''

But the biggest one... is the cocaine.

- (man) Yow!
- There they go!

There they go! Cocaine, Jack!

''You take cocaine, man?''
People say, ''Yeah.''

''You take cocaine, man?''
People say, ''Yeah.''

Say, ''l'll do a few lines.''

And l said to a guy, l said,
''Tell me, you know,

what is it about cocaine
that makes it so wonderful?''

And the guy said, ''Well, it
intensifies your personality.''

And l said, ''Yes,
but what if you're an asshole?''

(applause and cheering)

(man) Yow!

But l really want to study,

l really want to study
this whole thing of drinking,

getting drunk, and people saying
that they're having a good time.

Because if you put on a good suit,
you put on a good suit or whatever

and you say, ''l'm going out
to have a good time.''

But some people announce it:

''l'm going out
because l deserve to go out

''and l'm going to get drunk

''because l deserve to get drunk

and get out of my way.''

Now, these people get up there
and they drink and they drink

and they drink,
and the body begins to tell you:

(in deep voice) ''Please,
you better slow down.''

(in normal voice)
You have a person who came in

and they were walking like this:

See, there's different kinds
of walks for drunken people.

Now, for instance,

if you just have a regular
old raggedy bourbon drunk,

you know, they go like:

You know, and they're
really trying to maintain.

And the people keep leaning
the room on them, you know.

See. Now you can get a gin drunk.

Gin and vodka, you know,
martinis, now, these are the people,

very, you know, they
have their own business...

and they just stop off
and have about six or seven.

And their fingers pickle 'cause
that's what they stir their drink up with.

And they do a lot of this when they talk:

With their drink, so their drink
spurts on your shoe, you know.

You know, and you're looking
at your shoe and they're going:

And they hum a lot when they...

''Hum, how you been?'' You say, ''Fine.''

''Hum, nice to see you again.

Hum, oh, pardon me, hum.''

You know, very smooth people,
you know.

So then, of course,
the obvious one is the wino, but see,

winos, once they get down to
where they cannot walk anymore,

you know, they just kind of
heel-toe it, you know...

Just kind of easy, going to get it.

Now, you have, like, since the
country-western thing has happened,

you got all these people with
the cowboy hats and a buckle

and...

they just drink a lot of beer.

- (man whistles)
- See? There they are.

See... And beer drinkers are really
different people because they...

something happens to their
hearing. They go almost...

They... everything... (bellowing) Hey!

(bellowing) All right!

Now, they drink a lot of beer
and the beer does not go here,

it goes in one leg.
And when that leg fills up,

then they have to take it to the john, see.

And so when they walk, you know, they:

Now,

when they come out of the bathroom,

then you can tell, see.
lt's empty now, you see.

They step up to the bar
and fill it back up.

Now when it gets so that,
you know, this leg is, ''l gotta go.''

(bellowing) ''Hey!
l've gotta go again! Oh!''

But this is always like this,
always hanging out.

And they keep doing like this
and the thing falls down.

Then they wanna go ride
this mechanical animal

and fall and bust their face, you know...

''l rode the bull at Gilley's
and busted my face,'' you know.

A picture of an idiot in action.

But now, the person who has
dedicated themselves to going out

and getting so drunk
that they're gonna get sick,

is the all-time dumb person.

They stand there, just drinking, drinking.

Now, the body says,
''Don't take another drink.''

So you reach up and you go...
and the stomach say,

the message has come down.
''He's taking another drink.

the message has come down.
''He's taking another drink.

''All right, reverse gears,

but just take it up to the top of the neck.''

(imitates mechanical sound)

This stuff comes up to here,
he says, ''Now give him a small burp.''

(imitates burping)

(shuddering)

''Turn on the sweat machine.''

Now people say, ''Are you all right?''

(slurring) ''Of course l'm OK.''

Now you've got to go,

so you come into the bathroom.

(imitates door opening) Close the door.

(imitates door closing)

Now, don't forget,
you owe this to yourself.

You worked hard all week.

lt's come to this.

(applause)

(groaning)

(groaning continues)

(moaning)

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God.

lf you get me out of this,

l won't drink again as long as l live.

Oh!

Now you are ready...

to put your face...

in a place...

that was never built for your face.

(moans)

Now you feel it coming.
''All right, l'm ready.

''Holding on, holding on.
We going for a ride? Yes.

''Bring it on? Yes.

Here it comes, l'm ready to explode.''

And your muscles lock, everything.

And you wouldn't be surprised,
you would not be surprised

if you saw your shoes come out
of your mouth. You'd say ''Yes!''

Now that wave has stopped,
you... (moans)

You put your head
on the side of the bowl

and you thank the toilet bowl.

''Thank you, toilet bowl.

''Thank you so much
for being cool on the side.

''Only you understand me, toilet bowl.

You're the only friend l have,
my wonderful toilet bowl.''

Now, people keep coming to the door.

(imitates door opening)
''Are you all right?''

And you say, ''Oh, yes.
l'm always like this all the time.

''Just having a little picnic.

Just listening to the toilet bowl.''

(imitates toilet flushing)

And that's called having a good time.

l never understand that.

l mean, it's all right if
you're a teenager, you know,

you've never had it before, you know,
and you say, ''What is this all about?''

You keep drinking and getting sick
and throw up. But grown people do that.

On weekends.
And then they come back to work

and they go, ''Oh, God, my head...''

Strange.

Dentists...

tell you not to pick your teeth
with any sharp metal object.

Then you sit in their chair,

and the first thing
they grab is an iron hook.

And they start to pick in an area
that you came to get fixed.

(imitates picking)

l found out something about myself
while the dentist was doing that.

l found out if l was ever
paralyzed from the knee down,

l'd be able to walk with my behind.

Because the whole time
he kept doing that l just kept...

(deep voice) ''Can you sit up?''
''l'm sorry, l beg your pardon.''

(deep voice) ''Sit up.'' ''l'm sorry.''

Now the dentist pulls out a needle.

This is to deaden the pain.

Says, ''Open up.'' Now, a regular doctor
giving you a shot would go:

and that's it.
Dentists don't do that, they go:

And you're there... (gasping)

Then they want to talk to you.

''Do you ever do any fishing?''

(muffled) Uh-huh. (gasping)

''Where do you usually go?''

(muffled voice)

''Yes, l've been there
many times myself.''

Now he pulls the needle out.
Puts this thing in your mouth.

(imitates suction hose)

This will suck up your face.

The dentist goes outside
to laugh at you.

And you sit, grown-up, intelligent
human being, arguing with this thing.

(sucking) (gagging) (sucking)

You also notice

that the right side of your face

feels like it's sliding off of your skull.

And your bottom lip is in your lap.

So the dentist comes back.
You want to talk to him.

So you say, (indistinct speech)

''l beg your pardon?''

(slurring)

''l don't understand.''

(slurring)

''Your what?''

(slurring)

''Your face?'' (lisping) Yeth!

''What's the matter with it?''

(slurring) What's the matter with it?

My face... my face is hanging down...

Do you see this?

This is my bottom lip.

lt wasn't like this when l came in here.

''Well, l'll fix it.'' l hope so!

Because when you put
the needle in my mouth,

my face went down like this,
my bottom lip went on the floor.

So l can't live like this now.
''l'll fix it.''

(slurring) OK!

Now he starts to drill: (imitates drilling)

And you see and smell smoke

coming out of your mouth. So you say,

(slurring) ''Wait a minute.''

''What's the matter?'' (slurring) Smoke!

''What?''
(slurring) Smoke, smoke, smoke!

There's some smoke
and it's coming out of my mouth.

''l don't understand.''

(slurring) Fire!

Do you understand the fire?

There's a fire in my mouth
and the smoke is coming out.

And my face is hanging on the floor.

''The fire?'' Yes!

''Where?''

(slurring) Never mind, never mind.

Now he drills some more
and you hear him make a mistake.

(imitates drill slipping)

And to cover it up, they all
say the same thing: ''OK, rinse.''

(slurring) Rinse?
You asking me to rinse?

l don't have a bottom lip.
How can l rinse?

''Give it a try.''

(slurring) Give it a try? OK.

(in normal voice) Grab the cup,
pour the water, it runs all down...

(slurring) l hope that you are satisfied.

l hope that you are satisfied.
l put the water in my mouth,

l told you l can't rinse
because l have no bottom lip,

the water went all down in my lap.

l hope that you are satisfied.

''Rinse again.''

You've gotta be kidding me!

So you pick it up, put it in. Now,

you're gonna spit into
this miniature toilet bowl.

You have no bottom lip
so you let it all fall out,

say, ''Thank God for gravity.''

Now you want to sit back but you can't

because hanging...

from your bottom lip is a long line

and you can't get it off your bottom lip.

Oh, if you wanna be gross,
you can grab it and throw it over there.

But you try to be smooth
about it, you know...

And it's breaking over here
and it's breaking over there.

Try to blow it off: (blowing)

Just vibrating.

So you figure, maybe if you sit back,

it'll snap in half.

So you sit back. Now you have a line

from the bowl to your bottom lip.

The dentist looks at it
and says, ''Oh, look, a rainbow!''

So you have to pay him for that.

Anyway, l didn't come here
to tell you that.

l, uh...

wanted to discuss some
very serious matters here.

The... (coughs)

Pardon me.

My wife and l were intellectuals...

before we had children.

We were very, very bright people.

My wife graduated from
the University of Maryland,

child psychology major
with a B-plus average,

which means that if you ask her
a question about a child's behavior,

she will give you at least an 85 answer.

l, from Temple University,
physical education major

with a child psychology minor,
which means that if you ask me

a question about a child's behavior, l will
tell you to tell the child to take a lap.

Needless to say, we felt qualified

to handle having children,

and we planned to have children.

We sat in the back seat of a car,

(audience laughing)

and discussed it. Children.

We wanted to have children
and bring them up.

And we spoke to God about the children

and we were afraid to ask God

for specific things.

We felt that it might be too much.

We said to God,
''Please give us a healthy child,''

and we left it at that,

not knowing that God
is a generous God,

but also has a sense of humor,

and that if you leave
that much open for God,

some wonderful jokes
are going to come about.

Still being intellectuals,

my wife and l decided to
bring our first child into the world

by way of natural childbirth.

Now, we were intellectuals,
mind you, which means that

intellectuals go to study things

that people do naturally.

You see, let's think about it.

Childbirth is a natural thing.

The pains come automatically,
the muscles tighten and push down

and the mother is there
and all you need,

as they say in every movie, is hot water.

''Get the hot water,''
and they just send some fool, runs,

''Hot water,'' you know, and bothers
everybody in the world for hot water.

But even if you don't have hot water,
the baby's going to come.

Ker-boom! Natural.
Nature takes its course.

(imitates creaking) Whammo!

And there it is. You understand?

You just need somebody
there to grab a hold,

you know, to grab the rope, you know.

''There, keep pulling there, it's coming,
l'll be right there in a second.'' See?

Natural childbirth. People do it
all around the deprived countries,

quote, unquote,
''deprived countries of the world.''

Women... The lady's
out there picking the rice

or doing whatever in the thing
and all of a sudden you say,

''Ooh!'' Blam! The child falls out,

they cut the cord, tie it
and the kid's there with the rice,

with the mother, you know.
Natural childbirth.

lntellectuals go to class

to study how to do this.

My wife and l sat in class

to learn how to have natural childbirth.

And the first thing
they teach you is that

you have to breathe properly, see?

So when you press down
on the muscles, there's breathing:

(rapid breathing)

That's my wife's job. So she's there:

(rapid breathing)

And she was good.
Now the father's job...

And the father must be there
for these classes.

And they give the father a diploma also.

And if you don't get a diploma,
you cannot come to the birth.

See? So my job

is to bend my wife in half
and say ''Push!''

Now if l don't go to class,
l don't get a diploma for this,

so l can't come to the birth.

So my wife is there:
(rapid breathing)

And l'm there: ''Push.''
And l'm the cheerleader:

''Push him out, shove him out, way out!

Push him out, shove him out, way out!''

And my wife is a wonderful breather.
(rapid breathing)

And we were the best in our class.

And l began to breathe
with my wife, macho style.

(vigorous breathing) Push, push.

(vigorous breathing) Push, push.

(rapid breathing)

We went to parties
and people asked us to breathe.

''Ladies and gentlemen,
the breathing Cosbys!''

(rapid breathing)

Push, push!

Natural childbirth.
Natural childbirth means

no drugs will be administered
into the female's body

during the delivery.
The father can have all he wants.

On the ninth month,
my wife called to me

from the balcony of our California home:

''Bill!'' (rapid breathing)

l became excited. l said, ''Push!''

Then l remembered, we have to go
to the hospital for the natural childbirth.

So l run into the car. l got a Ferrari.

(imitates engine)

l do 1 04 from the garage
to the front door.

So my wife comes out.
She gets in the car.

(imitates engine)

1 80, and we're breathing.
(vigorous breathing) Push, push.

(rapid breathing)

And l'm in my Ferrari,
man, $1 7,000 Ferrari,

and my wife says, ''Oh!''
l say, ''No, dear, please, wait, not here.

No, not in the Ferrari, please.''

And l pull over. We go in the bushes,

we go in the bushes,
but no, not in the car, dear.

She's ''Oh, Bill, can l...''

Hold everything. l'll get you there.
(imitates engine)

So we pull up to the hospital.
The Marx Brothers jump out:

''Whoo! Ha! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!''
Put my wife in a wheelchair.

Run her down to the delivery room.
l signed her in, they put the hat on me,

the thing on backwards,
booties on the shoes.

l run into the delivery room.
They got my wife all prepped

and her legs way up in the stirrups...
(rapid breathing)

And the doctor's sitting there
like Johnny Bench.

Now,

the first real pain hit my wife.

Whoo!

And my wife said:

(inhales sharply)

And l said, ''Push?''

Carol Burnett described
what labor pains feel like.

She said, ''Take your bottom lip
and pull it over your head.''

The second pain hit: whoo!

My wife said: (screams)

and stood up...

in the stirrups.

Grabbed my bottom lip...

and said, ''l want morphine!''

l said, ''But dear...'' (vigorous breathing)

She said, ''You shut up!

You did this to me!''

And on the next contraction,

she told everybody in the delivery room

that my parents were never married.

Now we're back to breathing:
(vigorous breathing)

and l'm sitting there, ''Push, push.''

My wife's getting tired.
''l don't wanna push anymore.

l don't wanna push.''
No, you've got to push, dear.

Come on, dear, you've gotta.
''l don't wanna. Oh, no, no.

Tell them to give me something.''
No, you can do it.

''No, l don't wanna graduate from
the class anymore. l just wanna--''

Please, come on, you can do it.
l look in the rearview mirror

and l see the head. And Johnny Bench
is still sitting there, like:

So l said, ''lsn't that the head?''

He said, ''Yeah.'' l said, ''Well, go get it.''

He said, ''lt's stuck.''

l said, ''Well, get
the salad spoons, man!''

So... So he gets the salad spoons

and the baby comes out.
(makes spurting sound)

Now this is the greatest moment...

(woman laughing)

in our lives.

This is what we asked God for.

This is what we wanted
to see if we could make.

And l look at it.

And they started to clean it off.

And it wasn't getting any better.

And l went over to my wife

and l kissed her
ever so gently on the lips

and l said, ''Darling,
l love you very, very much.

You just had a lizard.''

Because the thing
changed colors three times.

And the neck and head
wouldn't work, it just kept:

And l said to the doctor,
''Can you put this back?

'''Cause it isn't done yet. lt needs to cook

another three months maybe.''

But the hospital made us take it home.

My mother looked at it and said,
''Oh, how precious.''

l don't know why she said it.

Well, l didn't know then. l know now.

Because my mother put a curse on me.

A long time ago, l remember
when l was a child what she said,

and l've later found out
that mothers, all mothers,

put a curse on their children.

And they say, ''l hope when you
get married, you have some children

who act exactly the same way
that you act.''

And this curse works!

l mean, it started with that child.

My wife and l have not
been intellectuals since.

Oh, my wife was pretty good for a while.

But it didn't last that long.

lt didn't last two years.

My father, he was so happy.

See, l had a daughter
and l'd wanted a son

and l'd bragged that
l was going to bring a son.

My father and my mother
had four boys, so why not?

l'm a Cosby. Son.

l want a son who carries the ball for me.

Play football, basketball,
run track. My boy.

l'd sit in the stands. ''That your son?''

Yes, that's my boy.
See the boy running the touchdown

with the name Cosby on the back?
That's my son.

l would've done it myself
but l'm too old now.

So l gave him the business. He's
just in charge of running touchdowns.

You know? Go to the dinners.
''And the athlete of the year, little Cosby.

And there's his father, big Cosby.''
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And l don't mind. l've... You know,
l realize that with great athletes,

you know, it's a different thing.
Father, you grab the boy

when he's like this, see.
You say, ''Come here, boy.''

Two years old. You say, ''Get down,
Dad'll show you how to do it.

Now you come at me.
Run through me.'' Boom!

There. See? Get back up, get back up.

See? You didn't do it right.
Now, come at me. Boom! See, now...

You teach 'em, see? You say,
''Now, go, attack that tree. Bite it!''

(imitates biting noise)
'' Come on back, bite it again.''

(imitates biting noise)

You teach 'em all that. Tackle me, bam!

And then soon he's bigger
and he's stronger and he can hit you,

you don't want him to hit you anymore,
you say, ''All right, son,''

turn him loose on the high school,
he runs up and down the field.

High school! Touchdown.
He's 800 touchdowns per game,

you say, ''Yes, that's my son,''
and he goes to the big college,

playing for a big school,
three million students

and 800,000 people in the stands:
(imitates cheering)

National TV, and he catches the ball

and he doesn't bother
to get out of the way,

he just runs over everybody,
(imitates rushing sound)

for a TD and turn around
and the camera's on him

and you're looking
and he says, ''Hi, Mom.''

Well, you don't mind that.
You know who taught him.

But God has a sense of humor

and God said, ''Let him have a girl.''

(imitates plopping sound) Came out.

And l had my child there,

firstborn, at home,

and it does something to you
when you become a father.

You're home, you know, really home.

And the baby was dirty,
she'd made a little poo-poo.

My wife and l were so happy
when the child made the poo-poo.

We asked the child, (in silly voice) ''Are
you the one that made the poo-poo?

Come on, you made the poo-poo.
You can poopy (baby talk) ''

And the baby say:

l said, ''That's right, you
want to make the poo-poo,

you poo-poo when
you want to poo-poo.''

And my wife and l were so happy,
we showed it to each other.

(in silly voice) Did you see the poo-poo?
Oh, that's a pretty poo-poo.

(in normal voice) We called our parents
up, ''Come over, see the poo-poo.''

And they came over. ''Oh, my God,
will you look at the poo-poo?''

Two months later,

God put odor in the poo-poo.

And it became a mess.

Parents didn't want to
change the child anymore.

And they talked to the child:
''Will you look at what you just did?

''No, l don't want to see that.
You made a mess, yucky, icky.

Messy!''

But as l said before, l was
there changing my daughter,

and my father stood over my shoulder,
put his head over my shoulder

and he said,
''What have you got there, son?''

l said, ''lt's a baby.''

He said, ''Oh, it looks to me like
you didn't put the stem on the apple.''

So l said, ''Yeah, Dad, you're right.''

(tsks) ''Shame.''

l said, ''Yeah.'' He said,
''Well, you still got another chance.''

l said, ''l have a lot of chances.
Camille's young and l'm young.''

He said, ''No, l'm not talking about that.
l'm talking about this child right here.''

l said, ''What are you talking about?''
He said, ''Well, grab hold of her nose

and blow real hard in her mouth.''

Now, as ridiculous as
some things may sound,

there comes a time of desperation,

when no one's looking,

that you will give the ridiculous a try.

Needless to say, l'm happy to
announce that she's still a daughter.

l had trouble putting her eyes back in...

before my wife came into the room.

''How did her eyes get out?''
l don't know, dear, they just...

l'm happy to announce also
that girls are much cleaner,

they're much easier to deal with

in terms of maturity
and what's expected of them.

l have a son. He's 1 1 years old now,

and l will tell you that

l don't think that the boy
is going to live much longer.

Now,

it is not l, nor my wife,

who are going to destroy this boy.

He has four sisters,
two in front and two in back.

They have had a meeting about him.

And l listened to the meeting-
they didn't know.

And even the four-year-old was hostile.

They're going to kill him.

l didn't know
how serious it is to a female

that you lift the lid.

But these women are serious
about killing him

the next time he leaves that lid down.

See, the only problem l have
with him is he won't zip up his fly.

That bothers me. You know, it's almost
a sign of someone who's not intelligent.

You walk around with your fly open.
You say, ''Son, zipper.'' ''Oh, yes.'' Zip.

But that didn't bother me. Once
l went to pick him up at school

and his class let out
and there's about 1 8 1 1 -year-olds,

and l mean, all of them,
they had their fly down.

So l didn't worry about my son.

Must be some class thing, you know.

But, as l said before,

we found out an awful lot
about God and his sense of humor.

The mother's curse works.
My wife and l have five children

and the reason why
we have five children

is because we do not want six.

And those we have,
we want to get out of the house

before we die.

Just to get them out.

My wife was a beautiful woman

before the children came.

l've never met a more
beautiful-looking woman,

in the face, in the body
and in the mind, than my wife.

Then the children came

and that curse began to take its toll.

My wife's face began to change.

The corners of her mouth
dropped down,

and when she talked,
her eyebrows went up and down

and her right hand became deformed.

When she talked,
she shook her finger like this:

(indistinct scolding)

That's what the curse did to her.
But the reason why the curse works

is because all children
have brain damage.

And that's what makes
the parent's face look like that.

Now, those of you who have
no children, let me describe

the brain damage. You come
in the room with a Coca Cola,

you set it down,
you go to get a newspaper.

Child comes walking in,
grabs the drink, starts to...

You say, ''Give me that.
Didn't l just tell you not to drink it?''

The child says, ''Uh-huh.''
You say, ''What did l just say?''

(imitating child) ''You said
for to not for to drink your drink.''

So every time l tell you that,
don't l? l say,

''When l have a drink, don't you drink it.
Don't l say that?''

''Uh-huh.'' Now tell me what l said.

(imitating child) ''You said
for to not for to drink your drink.''

That's right!

So you put it down, you go to get
the paper, the child picks it up again.

And quickly starts to drink it.

You say, ''Give me that!
Didn't l just tell you?''

''Uh-huh.''

Well, why did you do it? ''l don't know.''

Well, that's brain damage!

lf you know you're not supposed
to do something and you do it

and then people say, ''Why did you
do it?'' and you say, ''l don't know.''

Brain damage.

And that's what parents
have to deal with all day.

That's all you see, people,
''l don't know, l don't know, l don't know.''

You get two people in the house
and they start to yell,

''Will you stop touching me?
Will you stop touching me?''

And you have to get up
and go find out what's going on.

So you run over and you say, ''What's
going on?'' ''Well, she's touching me.''

So you figure you can solve it.
''Look, don't touch her anymore, OK?''

''Yeah, but she touched me first.''
You say, ''Well, why didn't you tell her--''

Now you're talking like them. ''Why
didn't you say you touched her first?''

''l didn't touch her.''
Somebody touched her!

So you say something brilliant, like,
''Look, l don't want anybody in this house

to touch another person
as long as you live.''

And that's why people
look the way they look.

My parents never smiled,

because l had brain damage.

My wife and l don't smile
because our children are loaded with it.

Oh, my parents smile now,

whenever they come over to my house

and they see how much
trouble l'm having.

Oh, they have a ball.

''Having a little trouble, huh, son?''

l mean, l never thought that l
would sound like other parents,

people l've heard
who are ridiculous-sounding,

or were, before l had children.

l mean, you call a child, you
say, ''Come here, come here.''

No, they don't hear that. They're gone.

You say, ''Come here.'' They're just:

So you have to send
a barrage of ''here''s after them.

''Come here, come here,
come here, come here,

come here! Here!''

Sound like a tobacco auctioneer.

(rapidly) Sit down, sit down,
sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Here, here, here. Here!

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,

stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

l used to think that
my father was an idiot

because the man could not
complete a full sentence.

l now understand
why he sounded that way.

See, when you're a father,
you censor yourself.

You try not to curse.
You get just as angry with a child

and you don't want to say
''What the filth and l'll bust your filth

''and foul and l'll filth your face
and yeah, you filthin' foul foul filth

and l'll filth in your foul filth.''
You don't want to say that to a child

so you censor yourself
and you sound like an idiot.

Say, what the...

Get your...

l'll put a...

Get out of my face!

So you... my wife...

See, mothers look like this.

Fathers have a different look.
Theirs is like:

And fathers always say the same
thing: ''Where's your mother?''

l flew from Hartford, Connecticut
to Las Vegas

just within the last...

few years.

l will never forget a mother,

aged 30 through...

Got on the plane.
Very attractive-looking woman,

well-built, lovely face,

hair put up in a bun, sprayed heavily.

Earrings, looking very
upper-middle income.

Gold on the fingers.

And she had with her little Jeffrey.

Jeffrey's (imitating child) four years old.
(in normal voice) l know that because

Jeffrey kept walking around the plane,

just anybody, he'd say,
''l'm four years old.

''l'm four-l'm four years old.

l was three, but now l'm four years old.''

Little Jeffrey.

l remember his name, not because
he said to me, ''l'm four years old,''

but because Jeffrey's mother
said his name

all 2,500 miles of the trip.

Nobody on first class could
sleep because the woman,

''Jeffrey, will you get down.

''Jeffrey, don't do that,
Jeffrey, come over here.

''Look at what you've done,
Jeffrey, you've kicked the...

''Jeffrey, will you please...
Jeffrey, put your jacket...

Don't do that, Jeffrey...''

Jeffrey would stand up in the chair
and look at the little man behind.

''l'm four years old.''

Nobody could sleep 'cause Jeffrey's up.
He'd get out, she'd let him run around.

He'd run around with chocolate
on his hands, put it on your trousers.

''l'm four years old.''

''Jeffrey, don't you see
what you've done to the man,

Jeffrey, go to... Sit down, Jeffrey.''
She'd sit him down, higher and higher.

She'd lift him and hold him
and let him drop. Boom!

''Jeffrey, Jeffrey,'' and Jeffrey would
(imitates crying)

''Jeffrey, be quiet.''

(imitates crying)

And then Jeffrey would cough.
(imitates coughing)

People began to hate Jeffrey.

One gentlemen invited Jeffrey
into the men's room

to play with the blue water.

Emotionally,
people began to fear Jeffrey,

and nobody slept.

Five minutes before the plane landed,

Jeffrey fell asleep.

And grown people in first class
took great delight,

as they walked out,

in waking Jeffrey up. ''Goodbye, Jeffrey!''

(imitates crying)

And they'd laugh. (maniacal laughing)

Sounding like Renfield.
(maniacal laughing)

And Jeffrey's mother,

hair mangled

and just hanging by
the ball that was sprayed,

and the mascara had run

and the lines caused by her anger

gone deeper into her face.

She looked much older,

She looked much older,

and she looked tired.

She picked Jeffrey up.

Jeffrey's little limp,
sleeping body twitched.

She carried him off.

There at the end of the runway,
at the end of the ramp, rather,

was Jeffrey's father,
smiling, well-tanned,

little red, white and blue
checkered golf pants on,

short-sleeved shirt.

And Jeffrey's mother
handed Jeffrey to the father

and punched him dead in the face.

We don't know why.

Jeffrey's such a lovely child.

But you see, they're brain damaged.

Children doing things:
''Will you stop touching me?''

Psychologists write about
a two-year-old child.

lt's not a two-year-old child
that says ''no'' that bothers me.

lf l can't control that,
l might as well give it up.

You say to a kid, ''Come here,''
they say, ''No, you go get it,'' that's yes.

People don't understand children,
especially people who have no children.

A person with no children says,
''Well, l just love children.''

You say, ''Why?''

And they say,
''Because the child is so truthful.

Children are truthful, that's what
l love about them, they say the truth.''

That's a lie!

l got five of them.

The only time they tell the truth
is if they're having pain.

You get a 1 5-month-old child,
knows when to lie.

You see, the child crawls into
the cupboard to get its favorite cookie.

1 5-month-old child
knows where the cupboard is,

knows where its favorite cookie is,
and it will open it up

and sit down and take the cookie
and you go over.

You try to get the cookie from the child,
which is also a contest.

''Here, let me have it.'' l've tried to
take things away from grown people,

l've never had them say, ''Will you
let me have... Give me that thing.

Here, let me have...
l tell you, let me have that thing.''

But here, a 1 5-month-old child
is able to do this and l can't grab it.

''Here, will you let me have,
will you give that thing to me?''

So l take the cookie. And l take the box

and l put the cookie in the box
and l say, ''You can't have this.

You understand? l don't
want you to have the cookie.''

Now...

And l put it way up here.

Now, this 1 5-month-old child,
after l've left the room,

begins to build

a very sophisticated ladder,

climbs up the ladder,

and begins to try to get the cookie.

Now, you can hear the paper
rustling and that's in your favor

because a 1 5-month-old child
doesn't know that sound travels.

They're also not bright enough
to hire a lookout.

So you hear the paper rattling
and you run

and there's the child
standing there with the cookie.

So you say, ''What are you doing?''

Now, this honest child
looks at you and says,

(imitating child) ''l was
getting a cookie for you.''

So you say, ''l don't want a cookie!''

So then they say, ''Well, can l have it?''

Don't tell me about the truth!

Why did you do it? ''l don't know.''

l came home
from playing tennis one day,

my wife sitting at the end of the table,

like this:

So l said, ''Uh-oh.
Somebody's in trouble.''

And l was concerned about myself.

l'm not the boss of my house.

l don't know how l lost it.

l don't know where l lost it.

l don't think l ever had it.

But l've seen the boss's job
and l don't want it.

'Cause that's a rough job,
dealing with those people all day.

l mean, just dealing with them
for an hour is a mess.

(imitating child) ''l don't know.''

But you see, l'm a father,

and fathers are
the geniuses of the house.

We're the geniuses of the house
because only a person

as intelligent as we

could fake such stupidity.

Think about your father.

He doesn't know where anything is.
You ask him to do something,

he messes it up
and your mother sends you down.

''Will you go down
and see what your father's doing

before he blows the house up, please.''

That's a genius at work!

Because he doesn't want to do it

and he knows someone will be
coming soon to stop him from doing it.

My wife woke me up
4:00 in the morning.

She said, ''l want you to go downstairs

and cook breakfast for the children.''

And l looked at the clock.

l said, ''Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning.''

She said, ''Exactly. Go down
and cook for the children.

They have to go to school.''

l said, ''Yes, but to eat at 6:00,

''isn't that bad for your stomach?

l mean, they just ate 1 2 hours ago.''

My wife said, ''Bill, get out of that bed

''and go downstairs

and cook breakfast for your children.''

And l said, ''Well, l don't know
what they want to eat.''

She said, ''lt's down there.

Now you get out of the bed!''

l said, ''But where are the pans?

Do we have pans to cook with?''

She said, ''Bill, l'm not
talking to you anymore.

''You ask another stupid
question, so help me God,

l'll get the shotgun out of the closet
and blow your face off!''

So l said, ''Well, there's no need
to become violent about this.

''You seem to be
having trouble intellectualizing

on where the cooking apparel is.''

So l fell back to sleep again.

The next thing l knew,

there was a bucket of ice water

being shaken over my head,

and this woman that l've been
married to for some 1 7 years

was standing over me, like this:

''Now you get up
and cook some breakfast

or you're gonna wear
this bucket of ice water!''

So l said, ''You're serious, aren't you?''

So l got up.

Needless to say, l was angry.

And l went downstairs
without putting on my robe.

Standing there in my pajamas
and l'm talking to myself.

l said, ''Get these, go down
and cook breakfast,

but it's 6:00 in the morning,''
and l slam the pans down.

Blam! On the stove.

And l slam 'em down
and go to the refrigerator

and l look around and l get to
the damn bacon, and the sausage!

Cooking breakfast, 6 o'blam
in the morning and l grab the--

You have to be careful with eggs.

God! l have to cook breakfast. Boom!

l turn around.

The first one down
was the four-year-old.

The child looked lovely,
cute little face clean,

hair in little braids,
little things, you know.

(imitating child) ''Good morn', Daddy.''

And l said, ''What do you
want for breakfast?!''

And the four-year-old
has the ability to see through

and find the wrong thing.

And the child saw through
my body what was behind me.

She saw the chocolate cake.
And she said,

''Can l have the chocolate cake?''
And l said, ''Chocolate cake? Where?''

She said, ''Chocolate cake behind you.''

And l looked
and there was chocolate cake.

The child wanted chocolate cake
for breakfast.

How ridiculous. And l said...

How ridiculous. And l said...

and someone in my brain looked
under ''chocolate cake''

and saw the ingredients: eggs!

Eggs are in chocolate cake!

And milk!

Oh, goody!

And wheat!

That's nutrition. What do you want?

- ''Can l have some chocolate cake?''
- Chocolate cake, coming up!

(imitates slicing)

Sliced it for her and served it.

Now, you need something to
drink with the chocolate cake,

something breakfast.

- Grapefruit juice!
- (woman in audience) No-o-o!

This is not your child!

So l give the child
a glass of grapefruit juice

and chocolate cake. Nutrition!

Eggs, milk and wheat
in the chocolate cake,

and l didn't have to cook.

And the other four came downstairs

and when they came downstairs,
those of you who have children,

you've seen them
come downstairs for school:

(imitating sluggish children)

And they got to the kitchen:
(imitating sluggish children)

and they saw the four-year-old
eating chocolate cake.

And they said ''Dad!

Where did she get the chocolate cake?''

They went to the child and said,
''How did you get chocolate cake?''

She said,
''Dad gave me chocolate cake.''

And they looked at me and they said...

(in pleading voice) ''Father...

could we have chocolate cake?''

And their father said, ''Chocolate cake
coming up! Four slices.''

(imitates slicing sound)

And grapefruit juice.

And five children sat at breakfast.

And the morning music was playing:
(imitates bass guitar)

And they were eating chocolate cake.

And singing songs to me:

d Dad is great!

d Gave us the chocolate cake!

And we had a ball, until...

She came down like this:

And when she saw
what the children were eating...

l've always heard about
people having a conniption,

but l'd never seen one.

You don't want to see 'em.

My wife's face...

split.

The skin and hair split
and came off of her face

so that there was nothing
except the skull

and orange light came out of her hair

and it lit all around

and fire shot from her eye sockets

and began to burn my stomach
and she said

(in screechy voice) ''Where did
they get chocolate cake from?!''

And l said, ''They asked for it!''

And the children who had
been singing praises to me

lied on me

and said, ''Uh-uh!

''We asked for eggs and milk

and Dad made us eat this!''

And my wife sent me to my room.

Which is where l wanted
to go in the first place.

So you see, we are dumb,

but we are not so dumb.

lt takes great thinking and work
to keep from working.

But the brain-damaged people

drive your face...

Why did you do that?
(imitating child) ''l don't know.''

Sometimes you hear it in your sleep.

''l don't know.''

We have a three-year-old.

Everything she wants,

she thinks it's all right just to take it.

Well, sometimes it
belongs to someone else.

So the others say, ''Give this
back. This belongs to me.''

And the three-year-old says,
(piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine! Mine!''

And this sound travels
through the house

and the vibrations seek out
a grown person's spinal cord

and it makes the legs go up
and down and you have to get up

and find out where
the sound is coming from.

(piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine!''

And you see this child
pulling on something and yelling,

(piercing voice) ''Mine!''
And at the end of it

is an older child mumbling,
''No, you got this out of my room.''

And you go up quickly
and you hit the older child.

''Why don't you lay off?
Don't you hear her yelling?!''

Because parents are not
interested in justice...

they want quiet.

The older child ran off crying
and l said, ''Just shut up!

''She's got stuff that belongs to me, too!

Think you're by yourself
in this, you're crazy!''

l came home from playing tennis,
as l said before.

My wife was like this,

and l was hoping that l wasn't the one

she was looking like that about.

And l went up to her
and l kissed her on the cheek.

l said, ''How you feeling, Pud?''

She said, ''l want you...

''to go upstairs...

and kill that boy.''

And l said, ''Right!''

'Cause l was happy
l wasn't the one in trouble.

Kill the boy, kill the boy.

Yes, master. Yes, master.

(maniacal laughter)

So l go to kill my son.

He was in the room,

looking pitiful. And l can understand that

because my mother sent me
to the room many times.

''Your father comes home, he's going
to shoot you in the face with a bazooka.

''And l am not going to
stop him this time, either.

''You know, he's always
wanted to kill you.

''The day you were born,
he said, 'Kill it.'

''l stopped him from
killing you for 1 1 years.

(sobbing) And this is the thanks
l get for saving your life!''

(sniffs)

l looked at him, l said,

''Your mother sent me here to kill you.''

He said, ''Uh-huh.''

l looked at him

and l noticed that on top of his head,

from here all the way around to here,

there was no hair.

So l said, ''Uh...

son.''

Called him son...

l said,

''What happened to your hair?''

He said, ''l don't know.''

l said, ''Son, take your hand

''and put it on top of your head

and tell me what you feel.''

He said, ''There's no hair.''

l said, ''Right!

Now tell Dad
what happened to your hair.''

He said, ''l don't know.''

l said, ''Son,

was your head with you all day today?''

He said, ''Uh-huh.''

- l said, ''Did you cut your hair off?''
- He said, ''Uh-huh.''

l said, ''Then why
didn't you tell me that?''

He said, ''l don't know.''

l said, ''ls this the hairstyle you wanted?''

He said, ''Uh-huh.''

l said, ''A reversed Mohawk?!''

So l went back downstairs,
my wife said, ''Did you kill him?''

l said, ''No.'' She said, ''Why?''
l said, ''l don't know.''

Are you guys married?
Oh, yeah? How long?

- (man) Three years.
- Three years. Yeah.

And you're still holding hands?

Weird people.

- Are you married?
- (man #2) Yeah.

- How many years?
- (man #2) 35.

35? Where's your wife?

(audience laughing)

l found out that

the male does not
pay attention to the vows.

The male does not
pay attention to those vows.

The female does.

See, you ask a male, you say, um,

''Can you repeat the part with the vows?

''No, not 'Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here to witness

'in all the face and the thing...'''
you know...

But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...

But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...

promise... to! to!

promise to cherish...

The male can remember cherish.

The male can remember honor,

love and then you say, ''What else?''

and they say, ''Till death do us part.''

Now when you ask the female,
you say, ''Do you remember the vows?''

She says, ''Yes.'' You say,
''Well, what do you remember?''

She says, ''Obey.''

You say, ''What about it?''
She say, ''Well, he's obeying.

And he better obey.''

And that is how you become the boss,

because you get the male to obey.
He's got to obey.

l mean, he just doesn't
have anything else to do.

Obey.

And it's a funny-sounding word, obey.

Sounds like pig Latin.

Obey.

Obey.

Oh, yea, obey.

Anyway, my wife is the boss

and as l said before, l don't want her job,

l've seen it. lt's a horrible job.

And l still don't understand
how she's going to outlive me.

'Cause anybody who's
gotta deal emotionally

with those people
and can still outlive me,

there's something wrong with me.
l must be sick.

Let me give you an example
of what l call,

''the same thing happens every night.''

lt's supper time.
Do you have children? How old?

- (man) They're grown now.
- They're grown now.

But how many did you have? Two. OK.

That qualifies. That qualifies.

Because a person with one child,
l don't call them really a parent

because there are
too many things left out.

lf you just have one child,
there are too many things left out.

For instance, if something's
broken in the house,

you have one child, you know who did it.

See, you don't have to go through

(imitating child) ''l-l-l...''

You know the child did it.

Also, people with one child
do not have to go through,

''Will you stop touching me?''

lf you got one child
and the child's doing that,

then you got to take it away, you know.

Now the same thing
happens every night.

We have five children.
They sit in the center.

My wife is at this end, l'm at this end.

And our children enjoy their dinner

because my wife allows them to
listen to their music. So you get:

(imitates bass guitar)

And the children eat and they:

l don't look at 'em, l just keep...

Now, my wife looks the situation over

and she can tell when the children
are not going to eat any more.

See, she can tell. They've
fooled around long enough.

''All right, now, you've
fooled around long enough.

Everybody get up from the table.''
My wife says this every night.

''Everybody get up
from the table, go upstairs,

''take off all your clothes,

''get into the shower,

please turn on the water...''

You have to tell them to do that

because if you don't,
they'll just wander around the tub.

And then get out and get in the bed.

''Please use soap.''

That's mostly for my son.

''Rinse yourselves off, dry yourselves off,

''put on clean pajamas, get into the bed

and go to sleep.''

Now, if these brain-damaged
children would do that,

there would be no beatings.

But there's going to be a beating tonight.

And the children get up to go upstairs

and l kiss them goodnight
and l try to warn them:

''Please, do what your mother says

or somebody's gonna get it tonight.''

And the children kiss me
and they pat me on my head

and they smile and look at me
as if to say, ''Dear man,

''thank you for your kindness

''and your wonderful attitude
about this whole situation,

''but you don't understand.
We cannot sleep through the night

unless we've had a good beating.''

And so they go upstairs
and l can tell they're gonna get it

'cause they've started already
before they even get upstairs.

''Will you stop touching me!
And you're touching me,

you stop, you're touching me.''

(piercing voice) ''Mine, mine, mine!''

Now they get upstairs
and all you hear is:

(imitates sound of footsteps)

Now my wife talks to the ceiling:

''All right, up there!

''l know you don't
want me to come up there.

l don't hear any water running.''

Now downstairs comes
our seven-year-old.

The informer.

This is the same child
that my wife sends with me

whenever l'm going out somewhere.

The informer's favorite words
are ''guess what.''

(imitating child) ''Um, um, um, Mom?

''Um, um, um, Mom, um, um, um,

''Ennis is upstairs in trouble

''and so l want to, um,
get into the shower

''and so then, um, he took, um, the towel

and popped me on my behind.''

''Go upstairs and tell Ennis
l said not to do that anymore.''

(imitating child) ''But, Mom, l already
told him so then he took the towel,

''so, guess what?

''Um, Ennis popped me on
the behind with the towel so l said,

'l'm gonna tell Mom on you.'''

''Go upstairs and tell him l said not to
do it again and take your clothes off.''

(imitating child) ''OK, but l know he's
just gonna pop me in the behind again

'cause he's always popping people.''

Four minutes later,
downstairs comes the four-year-old.

She is naked and wet.

Shampoo in her hair has run into her
eye. She is running in place and yelling.

(imitates yelling)

Walking with her, also naked and wet

with a smile on her face, is the informer.

(imitating child) ''See, Mom, l told you.

''Ennis took and poured water
on the baby and the shampoo

run into her eye
and she may be blinded for life.''

Now my son, who is 1 1 years old,
comes downstairs.

He has on his pajamas.
They are stuck to his body

because he forgot to dry himself.

(imitating son) ''l'm trying to
take a shower upstairs

''and so then they come in the shower.
l told them l'm too grown

for them to be showering with me--''
The baby turns and kicks him.

The seven-year-old punches him.
(imitates punching)

He punches the baby,
shoves the seven-year-old.

They're fighting. (imitates bickering)

My wife turns around, grabs a yardstick.

She holds it like a samurai warrior.

She then makes an announcement
that the beatings will now begin

by saying, ''l have had

enough of this.''

Now these three brain-damaged people
have the nerve to look surprised.

My wife is... (imitates flying yardstick)
Children run everywhere.

Now my job is, l am the goalie.

The children come at me,
l kick 'em back into play.

Now the beatings are over,
not because l see my wife,

but because l hear all of upstairs going:

(imitates sobbing)

Now here's the funny part:

my wife comes downstairs
with the broken stick,

throws it on the table,

sits down and begins to talk out loud to

nobody.

''Gonna tell me that you're
not going to do something

''when l tell you to do something.
l mean, you move when l say move.

''Think l carried you
in my body for nine months

''so you can roll your eyes at me?

''l'll roll that little head of yours

''down on the floor. You don't
know who you're fooling with.

l'll beat you until
you can't grow anymore.''

So funny.
My wife and l didn't ask for this.

We just asked for some children
we could send to college.

My mother and father come over
to the house quite often.

They're grandparents now.

Funny. They're funny people.

l've never seen such a
turnaround in all my life.

My father came over
to the house, sat down,

went into his pocket
and pulled out a handful of money.

He began to pass it out
to the children, you know.

He made the announcement:
''Now let's see if Granddad has

any money for
these wonderful children.''

Well, five children came from
everywhere. (whooshing sound)

See, the priorities are there.
''Money for the children.''

They heard that,
understood it and responded.

Anything else is
(irritably) ''money for the children.''

You have to say it like that. (irritably)
''Come here, come here, come here.''

(in normal voice) So they can hear.

My father began to pass
this money out and l thought,

''This is the same man
who, when l was his child,

''l would ask him for 50 cents,

this man would tell me his life story.''

And my father never told a happy story.

For 50 cents
there never was happiness.

The man ate dirt
till he was 30 years old.

That's all there was, was dirt.

And he was thankful to eat that dirt.
That's the part l couldn't understand.

No matter how much he suffered,
he'd always say,

''And l was thankful to get it!''

My father walked to school,

4:00 every morning,

with no shoes on,

uphill,

both ways,

in five feet of snow, and he was thankful.

l asked my father to give me
a dollar for the school picnic.

He told me how he killed a grizzly bear
with his loose-leaf notebook.

Now he's giving money away.

My mother kisses every child.

''Just come here and kiss your
grandmommy.'' (imitates kissing)

''Grandmommy just love you to death.''
My children think that my mother's

the most wonderful person
on the face of this earth.

And l keep telling my children, ''That's
not the same woman l grew up with.

You're looking at an old person
who's trying to get into heaven now.''

Yes, my mother, now a grandmother,
same woman, when l was her child,

could not stand my room. The woman
would come look at my room and say,

''Would you look at this filth?'' Now,
l've already been in the room five hours.

She wants me to look at it.

(imitating mother) ''l said 'look at it!'''

My mother was an authority on pigsties.

''This is the worst-looking pigsty
l have ever seen in my life!

''And l want it cleaned up right now.

How anyone can live in
this filth is beyond me.''

l love it when they give you
''another think coming.''

''lf you think that l was put
on this earth to be your slave,

you've got another think coming.''

And mothers are always
more interested in

the condition of your underwear
than your body

if you're ever in an accident.

And they tell you that.
''l hope for my sake,

if you're ever in an accident,
you have on clean underwear.''

Well, l thought that's what
an accident was.

Look, you're driving a truck,

here comes another truck gonna hit you.

Now, whether you hit the truck or not,
you're going to have soiled underwear,

because first you say it, then you do it.

Now here comes your mother
to the hospital.

(imitating mother) ''Did he
have on clean underwear?''

(imitating hospital worker) ''Yes, we
found it in the glove compartment.''

l love it when they get so angry
they can't remember your name.

''You come here, uh, Roy, uh, Roquefort,
uh, Rutabaga, what is your name, boy?

''And don't lie to me 'cause you live here
and l'll find out who you are.

Take a stick and knock your brains out.''

l always wanted to
get some calves' brains,

keep 'em in my hand.

My mother'd hit me in the head,
l'd throw 'em on the floor.

But knowing my mother, it wouldn't
work. She'd say, ''Put your brains

''back in your head. Don't you let
your brains fall out of your head.

Have you lost your mind?''
And that's another thing:

they ask you a question, you try
and answer, they tell you to shut up!

''Day and night, night and day,
work my fingers to the bone, for what?''

''l don't--'' ''Shut up!''

''And when l ask you a question,
you keep your trap shut!

''Think l'm talking
to hear myself talk? Answer me!

''You make me sick!

''l'm just sick of this and l'm sick of you.

''So sick l don't know
what to do with myself.

Now l am just sick and tired.''

''And tired'' always followed ''sick.''
Worst beating l ever got in my life,

my mother said, ''l am just sick--''
l said, ''And tired.''

l don't remember anything after that.

But, you see, fathers
are altogether different.

l'm not saying they're better.
l'm saying they're different.

See, my father established our
relationship when l was seven years old.

He looked at me, he said, ''l brought
you into this world. l'll take you out.

And it don't make no difference to me.
l'll make another one look just like you.''

And because of my father,
between the age of seven through 1 5,

l thought my name was Jesus Christ.

He said, ''Jesus Christ!''

And my brother Russell
thought his name was Dammit.

''Dammit, will you stop all that noise?!''

''Jesus Christ, sit down!''

So one day l'm out playing in the rain.

My father said, ''Dammit,
will you get in here!''

l said, ''Dad, l'm Jesus Christ.''

But you see, fathers
are more fun than mothers

because fathers are the only people in
the house who are allowed to have gas.

And they don't care either. They just
sit right there and (imitates farting)

And you always know when they're
finished 'cause they say, ''Oh, boy.''

My father would do it
and blame it on invisible animals.

(imitates elephant's trumpeting) ''You
see that elephant run under there?''

And my brother was
dumb enough to look for it.

Now here comes my mother.
''All right, dinner-- Oh, Lord,

what happened in here?''

He said, ''Mom, there's an
elephant under Dad's chair.''

''Did you see it?''

''No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet.''

Do you know my father's favorite game?

''Come here and pull my finger.''

Thank you for coming.
Take care of yourselves.

Good night. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
by Bill Cosby)

(girl) Daddy, can we go
to the school dance?

( Cosby) What? Well,
what did your mother say?

Well, tell her
don't bother me with that.

Now take your sister's clothes off
and don't wear 'em anymore.

Yes, I know-- What?

Now what do you want?
Where's your mother?

Well, don't come to me with that
'cause I'm busy doing things.

And get the dog out of here.
The dog does not belong...

Who took my socks?
Did you take my soc--

I don't care what they're wearing
these days, take the socks off.

And you take off my shirt, too.

I've never seen a seven-year-old boy
wear a size 1 3 shoe.

d Just the slew of us

d We can make it,
just the slew of us