comeback : křeslo

Hello.

Pardon.

I would like...

I'd...

Brother, what is this nonsense?

Brother?

Where were you?

In the pub. I was waiting for it to open.

Why couldn't you buy
your morning beer in glass?

I was waiting for it to open
so that I could get out.

What were you doing there?

Not sure exactly.

What have I done to deserve this? What?

Where are you doing?!

To some quiet place.

But I don't know where.

Hey, dude, could I stay here?

I could find a quiet corner...

You will get behind the counter and
you will work till you drop.

Are you heartless?

I've been busy all night,
I barely know myself anymore.

You are my brother.

Your name is Ozzák.

I am your employer and you
are four hours late for work.

I did think this place seems familiar...

< ARMCHAIR >

Cleans even the most resistant of stains.

Coffee, tea, chocolate, blood, grass,
blueberries, grease, red wine, fuel oil.

It seems that Ozzák has developed
something even more resistant.

Ivuška, are you done? The Hit-charade
is unwatchable from here.

No, dad. Nobody will sit
here until it dries up.

Well, and can't we do
something about that?

We could.
Buy a new one.

No, I meant, dry it with a fan
or something.

Or you could stop watching
this obsolete pop stuff.

That was not a reference to me, I hope?

No.

Luckily, nobody remembers your songs
anymore.

Mind you, the other day

Píšová from the fourth floor was humming
"You Will Soak Into Me Like Rain" on the stairs.

And apparently she also has me
in her collection of old albums.

She wants to date you.

Iva, she's sixty-five.

Just like this couch.

Do you know how much dirt has
accumulated in it over the years?

You always say that when you clean it.

Today was the last time.

Really?

Because I'm cleaning it for the last time.

It won't be here tomorrow.

But wait, Ivuška, you know
how we are with money...

CDs aren't selling well lately.

No wonder. We have no customers.

And when somebody loses their way
here, Ozzák finishes them off.

I'll have to talk to him.

This morning, he didn't even
know his own name.

Well...

Simona said that he had fallen
asleep under the jukebox.

And when she was mopping the floor
she mistook him for a sack of old rags

so she left him there.

What about the couch?

Alright then, if we find
something affordable...

Go on then.

New furniture shop.

You could get it cheaper
only in a junk-heap.

It's still way too expensive for us...

Oh look.

A social program.

Our special series focuses on low prices,

while using only slightly toxic materials.

Made in third world countries with
maximum of five percent of child labor.

Hello, Mr. Pacovský.

Do you know if the new Ewa Farna is out?

Moment, Lexa, you know the rules.

Oh please, Mr. Pacovský, can't you
spare me just this once.

I've had a bad day.

So have I, but rules have to be kept.

Music is like a gun

not everybody can have it.

But in Bontonland, anyone can buy it.

Which is why it's all
going downhill for them.

Alright. First:

show me how you threaten.

You scared off my sister.

You have a sister?

You should bring her sometime.

I always bring her, but you
never notice her.

I've had a hard night yesterday,
I probably forgot her.

Yeah, she's kinda unobtrusive.

Our teacher has already introduced her
three times as a new student this year.

And I have no idea who we're talking about.

Nevermind. Secondly:

Mr. Pacovský, just tell me if Ewa Farna is out.

Don't interrupt!

Secondly: how many members had
the original Led Zeppelin?

And why do I have to know all this?

So that you'd be a real man.

And what about Ewa Farna?

She'll never be a man.

Is she out?

Of course she's out, what of it?

Awesome! Thanks.

I'm gonna go download her.

To load her down?

It's that a bit too cruel?

Then again, she deserves it
for that horrible music of hers...

And I'm telling you it seems small.

This couch is big enough.

I've measured it myself.

That's the problem.

Ozzák, why aren't you in the shop?

I took a lunch break.

It's half past four.

And anyway, stay out of the way,
we're going to assemble a new couch.

Wait.

There used to be a couch here...

I had my spot on it. Where is it?

Not gonna tell you that because
you'd drag it back here.

Bro! I had all sorts of important things in that couch!

For example that T-shirt I had in Budapest
when Freddie Mercury patted my back

I took all of your things out and
that shirt is clean in your wardrobe.

What- what?!

You washed it?!

My god, Ivuška! I wanted you to inherit that shirt one day

but a clean shirt has no worth.

I'll be happy with the fact that it used to be yours.

One more... one more thing...

Another important thing I had in there...

Goddammit, I can't remember!

Today is a really bad day.

Take your time, bro. This morning you
didn't even know your own name.

Psh. Ozzák!

And...

Where'd you get this one anyway?

In a new Finnish shop.

They have many beautiful things there.

Also a few cheap ones.

Ugly ones.

But you wanted this couch.

No, I wanted a bigger one.

The bigger one was firivachtivachta
and it was too expensive.

Yes, but it was beautiful.

This couch is absolutely gorgeous,
given its cost.

At least it's washable.

Well, I think it's not too bad.

Ivuška?

What do you think "imbus" means in Finnish?

Dammit, there has to be a dictionary somewhere...

Ouch. I got a papercut.

Goddammit, give it to me.

Good afternoon.

Mother sent Saša to thank you for the couch.

And wouldn't sending Saša be enough?

Saša was shy.

Whoa. Is that the new couch?

Can I help you assemble it?

No.

Well, if you want.

Good afternoon, Mr. Pacovký

Mother sent me.

She'd like to thank you for the couch.

And?

And nothing.

Well, it may be a little bit older, but it will serve you.

Well done!

There's another one.

And here. Here.

Damn, my back hurts.

And besides, I have to go down to the shop.

So, see ya.

I think you kids can handle it.

Lexa will be the leader.

Why is the door locked? Wait a sec...

What is going on here?!

What?

Tattletale!

Ozzák, what is the meaning of this?!

He wanted Zagorová.

And why was he crying?!

I showed him Metallica to change his mind.

Ozzák, this has to stop.

You will be selling people what they want.

Oh my god, where is the cashbox?

You said selling people what they want, no?

Some guy came by and liked it.

So I sold it to him.

It was a great deal.

There was five hundred inside
and he gave me a thousand!

I should have asked for more, huh?

Bro, you're behaving like a madman.

Why did you get so wasted
last night in the pub?

Because that song of yours
was playing there all night long.

Like Rain?

From the radio?

From the jukebox.

Some insane chick shoved in five hundred
and it played all night, over and over.

It's all her fault.

I had to survive that horror somehow.

Horror?!

I should remind you that that song earned
us enough money to afford this music shop.

Music shop?

Bro, music can't be bought.

True, not in this shop.

With your attitude we might as well
close this place down.

Really? Oh, that'd be great...

I'm getting a dry tongue, you know...

No pub!

You always say that when you run out of arguments.

Lexa, what are you doing?

I'm assembling a couch.

Get out of the way.

Also a possibility.

You know what, Lexo?

Go sit down somewhere,
this is a job for a man or a woman.

You're not smart enough for a woman

and mature enough for a man.

I'm three minutes older than sis.

Lexa, girls mature quicker than boys.

It's not about speed but about quality.

Well, your case is unfortunately lacking both.

I'll have you know, I already have pubic hair.

♫ You will soak into me like rain ♫

♫ And I will soak into you ♫

♫ You could not find greater happiness ♫

♫ Not even in heaven ♫

♫ When you take me away like a hurricane ♫

Simona?

You listen to me when you're alone?
♫ I won't mind not knowing where ♫

No! That's still going since yesterday...

Some woman paid for a hundred plays...

Oh yeah, Ozzák mentioned
that some fangirl was here...

Nope, can't stand it.

You talk just like Ozzák.

Ozzák has a deeper voice, a mustache
and three hundred debt.

I'll pay.

Leave it. It's for the couch.

Listen, so your ex really took all your stuff?

No.

Only what he could sell.

He left Lexa, Saša and inbuilt wardrobes behind.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Pacovský.
- Hello.

- Hi, mom.
- Hi.

Mom, I need advice.

So do I. What is it?

Mom...

Do you think I'm a man?

You've got pubic hair.

Then it's simple.

Date a girl,

Have two kids,

then leave her for some whore
and take all the furniture with you.

My problems start with dating a girl.

Don't look at me,

I barely remember the last time I saw a woman.

Right, Simona?

So, Lexa, being a true man is hard.

That's why I brought a book.

Mistake number one.

A man never reads.

But this is A Modern Man's Handbook.

No reason to read it all.

All you need is Ozzák and the table of contents.

"Greeting"

Good afternoon.

Oh my god, Lexa.

Try this.

There we go.

Next: "Table manners"

I'll teach you how to eat beer

But mother forbid me to do that.

Excellent.

Ozzák's rule number one:

A true man always listens to his mommy.

Let's continue.

"Treatment of the female sex"

You're too young for that.

Better start with treatment of females in general.

"Opening doors"

That one's obvious.

If you didn't open the door,
they'd never clear off.

"Hygiene"

I don't know what that means.

Probably some gross illness.

And that's all?

No.

Now the most important thing.

What does music mean for a man?

Oooh, Ewa Farna!

Black Sabbath?

Yes!

Excellent!

From now on, you can call me... Ozzák.

And Mr. Ozzák... Now I'm a man?

A real man never asks if he's a man.

A real man knows it!

I said it's gonna be small.

At least we'll be closer to each other.

You'll be sitting next to uncle.

Hi, brother. Come, have a seat.

I want the old one.

We got it at a great price and I like it.

But I loved the old one.

This one is like...

ABBA.

But in this family nobody cares about my opinion.

I work like a horse and...

Yes, today you've worked for all of two hours.

...then I come home and
don't even have a place to sit.

Alright, I will move.

Fine, fine.

It's your fault, anyway!

If you didn't constantly scare off our customers,

we could have a beautiful yellow firivachtivachta.

Who cares about your vachta?

I want my spot!

Where's the old couch anyway?

It's in good hands.

Perhaps they'd return it.

We'll give them this one for it.

No way.

Ivuška!

Don't you remember
how we used to play on it?

How you used to jump on it?

I only remember how I jumped
around it with a vacuum cleaner.

Bro, things change.

But why always for the worse?!

Why did Brichta leave Arakain?

Why did you leave Krakatice?

What's Krakatice?

A band that could have changed
everything for the better.

Krakatice was Ozzák with drums.

And why?

Because I've been abused, betrayed
and abandoned by my own singer.

Don't listen to him.

The singer left for a good reason.

Money.

Oh my god, bro, it had no future,

We never had any concerts,
we only played in the basement,

And old Přiklopil called the secret police
on us every half an hour.

Bro, don't you remember how amazing it was?

It was revolutionary!

Songs like Denaturation.

And the heavenly solo on the cymbal. One cymbal.

He sold the rest of the drums to get money for beer.

And that refrain!

Bro, you had it in you!

Whoa, dad, I thought you only used to sing disco.

He did.

But only later, once he sold his soul for Tuzex vouchers.

Because I've had enough.

I wanted a normal life.

A normal life! You call this a normal life?!

Bro, I still feel like a visitor here.

Well, you did come here sixteen years ago

"only for a week until you find something"

I came to help you.

With what?

Raising our daughter Iva.

Our? Iva is my daughter!

Fine!

But who took care of her?

Who taught her how to walk...

I did!

...to concerts!

At Rockfest in '93, she was the youngest participant!

You took her to Rockfest when she was one year old?!

She only drank light beer!

Well! And what do I get for it?!

I changed her diapers.

It took me four years before I learned how to do it!

I read fairy tales to her, made toys for her...

I even thought her how to read!

A as in Alkehol,

B as in Brutus,

C as in Citróni...

And I was the one who took
her to class on her first day

But in October!

And where did I end up?!

On the floor!

Fine, then go and get a - I don't know - an armchair!

And where do I get money?

Just find a way! I don't know,

get some old thing that
people want to get rid of.

D as in Debustrol,

E as in Echt!

F as in... as in...

Fernet

F as in fernet.

Lexo, goddamit, can't you turn it down?!

Whoa, Mr. Ozzák, did you see that?!

What?

The music works!

I've been listening to it barely ten minutes and
already I've got women banging at my door!

That's normal.

What are you doing?

Looking for an armchair.

An armchair?

A guess a man needs one, huh?

Sure thing!

We've only got an old ugly couch.

That's not want I want, I need an armchair!

And what's it gonna be like?

Black.

Black and dangerous.

And where can you get such a thing?

Metalhead knows.

Metalhead! Now that's a name for a man.

Dude, he's the toughest dealer in this country.

And the armchair I'm talking about -

Nobody sat in it since 2002.

What happened then?

Brichta left Arakain!

When they released Thrash The Trash

Metalhead made for Brichta
a throne for the King of Metal

and then the armchair refused him

Why?

He sang Tenhle barák na vodstřel

The armchair bit him

It bit right through his leather pants

and he got an itchy ass.

Whoa.

That's one hell of a manly piece of furniture.

Look here it is,
Metalhead's contacts

Everyday at Singer's
Thursdays at Tiger's

And, Mr. Ozzák...

Can I be a man even though
I don't have an armchair?

God, Lexa! Again?!

Dammit.

It bit me.

Bullshit.

It's just an armchair.

Or something similar.

Jesus Christ, what is that?!

Ozzák found himself an armchair,
like you told him to.

It looks like something the Gestapo would use.

It could have been worse.

It's watching me.

Now we can't even bring
anybody here for a visit.

But of course we can - Eva Braun.

Good afternoon.

Respect, Metalhead!

Where's Mr. Ozzák?

What do you want with him?

I wanna ask him something...

No, wait, actually not.

Can I try it?

Careful, brother, it bites!

Feel free, you've got about a minute.

Before Mr. Ozzák comes?

Before I throw that thing out of the house.

It really bit me!

I told you!

It's bullshit! It's just an armchair!

No, it burned my pants!

What if it's got rabies?

Whoa, then...

That's a seat for a man...

Wait, wait, Lexa.

Your time has not yet come.

Ozzák, you will throw that thing out, immediately!

As in, I can't bring anything into our apartment?

It's my apartment!

You always say that when
you run out of arguments!

You told him yourself to get an armchair.

An armchair, not a Ferat Vampire!
It doesn't fit here at all!

Bro, this armchair was looking
for me all of its life!

Its entire life!

Out!

You can't throw out such
a valuable piece of furniture!

Are you telling me this monster cost something?!

Bro, you can't measure its worth in money at all!

In what, then?

Metalhead measured it in CDs.

What CDs?

Practically all those we had in our shop.

OUT!

He had a bad day.

He's been having a bad day the last sixteen years.

It can't go on like this.

And what do you want to do?

Dad?

You're not serious.

Iva, I like Ozzák

But look where he got us.

Shop with no CDs,
bank account sucked dry

Mr. Ozzák!

Saša found something
that's probably yours

Where is Mr. Ozzák?

Where is the armchair?

What is that? Let me see!

Oh look, old albums, we could sell that.

Never!

This is important!

Uncle!

Look what Saša found in the couch.

How could I have forgotten!

I remembered it right away, this is
the fairytale you made for me!

Oh yeah! Come!

So!

This is the story of how Prince Debustrol

and the heroic Kiss

fought a... dragon?

A bugbear.

Right, fought a bugbear
with nothing but a red hat.

Yeah.

Do you remember how it ends?

The heroic Debustrol saved Lady Jane

and they all lived happily ever after

in hotel California.

And then the cymbal rang and the fairytale was schluss.

Uncle, you really are a freak.

Now a lullaby.

She's asleep!

Where'd you get it?

I went to Píšová and asked for her album collection.

But I had to make the greatest sacrifice.

Bro!

Don't be silly, she's sixty-five!

I had to watch the Best of
Ein Kessel Buntes with her.

Wasn't it all so much nicer
when she was still little?

I'd say! Since then, my hangovers
have gotten so much worse...

Understatement!

And what's this?

The golden album price I got for Like Rain

I took everything I could get!

It's all this song's fault! This and
that crazy woman that played it!

God, what's your problem,
the song's not all that bad!

Not all!

Every time I hear it, I remember
our crippled Krakatice!

Jesus, Krakatice would not
have lasted long anyway

each of us is completely different!

That's also why this place
is called The Two Chords

Oh yeah?

I always thought it's because your
songs don't use more chords!

Look, if I hadn't left Krakatice

I wouldn't have gone to Děčínská kotva

If I hadn't gone to Děčínská kotva
I wouldn't have met Kristýna

If I hadn't met Kristýna,
then I wouldn't have...

Then we wouldn't have Iva.

Oh hey, by the way, are you sure she was
only drinking light beer at the Rockfest?

Who do you think I am.

So who will bring her upstairs?

Look, bro, my back hurts ever since
we tried assembling that couch.

Christ! She's sixteen.
She can walk on her own, no?

Ivuška.

Get up, we're going home.

Alright. And we're going home as well.

Goddammit. My back.

Jesus Christ.

Now it fits in better, don't you think?

Good afternoon!

You?!

That's the woman who caused it all!

Which woman?

The one that played that song at the pub all night long!

You are the lying vagabond

who claimed that he's a brother
of the singer Tomáš Pacovský!

Wait, wait! That's actually true.

And this is the shop
of brothers Pacovských.

Would you like to buy something?

I see.

Yes, I would.

We just ran out.