Stop sexual violence in India: Vithika Yadav at TEDxHagueAcademy

Talking about sex is sexy, but rape or sexual harassment isn't, says human and sexual rights activist Vithika Yadav. She firmly believes that discussing sex is the answer to ending the epidemic of sexual violence against women in India.

There's little about my life
that should create a sense of fear.

I'm 32,

I have an amazing job,

and I'm very fortunate
to have a loving and supportive family.

People look at me as one independent
and empowered Indian woman.

But, even today I live a life
that does not shield me completely

from the daily exasperation
of being "eve teased,"

which in Indian context would mean,

being touched, being groped
and being sexually harassed

at any given point of time,
in any public space in India.

We in India,

choose to not talk about
one of the most important facts of life,

and that fact is: sex.

Well, we all know that sex is universal,
we all love sex.

Don't we? I do.

But it is still this topic
that we choose to go on hush about.

I work on a sexual health project

that educates young people in India
about sex,

by answering their supposedly
most awkward sexual health questions,

in an open, frank and friendly manner.

That too with the complete privacy.

So when I get up in front of a room
full of young people and tell them,

"Consent is Sexy," I mean it.

I'm not saying that
to get any feminist agenda across.

Or maybe because it is
the politically correct thing to say

in the wake of sexual assault epidemic.

No. I'm saying that because I mean it.

Consent is sexy.
Talking about sex is sexy.

You know what isn't sexy?

Rape isn't sexy.

Sexual harassment isn't sexy.

Let us think about what this culture
of silence has gotten us:

Rape,

incest, abuse, discrimination,

injustice, misogyny,

institutional sexism,

which also keep us
from acknowledging and reporting

on any of these.

In India on a average, every hour,

two women are raped, one is molested
and four are sexually harassed.

Growing up as a girl child in India
can be very hard.

The first time I was pinched on my boobs,

I was busy playing with my friends
and I was 12 years old.

Such was the impact of that incident on me

that I started to hate myself
for being a girl.

I cried,
I wanted to speak to my parents about it,

but I couldn't, something stopped me.

So what did I do?

I wore a mask and I smiled.

But behind that mask were a lot of tears.

And when I was off to the big city Delhi
for higher education,

the city threw many more challenges.

But I couldn't cry every single day
for feeling sexually harassed.

So I started reacting from shouting,
to slapping to abusing.

I did it all.

Years have passed by, I'm mom now,

but it was just the other day
when I was walking

close to a public park with my son,

and a man on a bike came close
pinched me on my butt and rode away.

What could I do? Nothing.

Because before I could react he was off.

So what has really changed for me

as a woman
in 32 years of my life in India?

Nothing.

There's no simple explanation

of what it means
to be a woman in India today.

Yes, it depends of how educated you are,
where you live,

what you do, your class, your cast.

But, there is this one thing

which is common
to every single Indian woman,

and that's the experience
of being sexually harassed.

If you're an Indian woman
in a public space,

you're forever on the edge.

Looking out for men standing too close,

wondering if that grope on the bus
was accidental.

At an early age,
you learn to not look at men in the eyes.

You learn to shield yourself
with scarfs and bags.

And this is the story

of tens and thousands
of Indian women and girls,

who step out of their houses
every single day,

and also the story

of those tens and thousands
of women and girls

who do not have
to step out of their houses

to feel mistreated and discriminated.

Because abuse also happens
within the four walls of a house.

When I look back at the families
I knew when I was growing up,

I begin to understand why some men
tend to think the way they do in India.

It is the society at large, the families,

and even schools
that knowingly and unknowingly

make boys feel more privileged than girls.

So basically in India,

the penis is supposed to enjoy
more privileges than the vagina.

If a boy says something it is being smart.

If a girl says the same thing
it is being over smart.

If a boy goes out, drinks and smokes

and indulges in lots of experimental sex,

it's a cool and fun thing to do.

If a girl does the same thing,
she's dumped cheap,

and she's definitely not
someone you can take home to your mother.

And this is what we call,
"The famous Indian male mentality."

Now where is this mentality coming from.

No one has born with a mentality.

It is the social and cultural factors
that make up a mentality.

Both men and women
get affected by the gender roles

that define what it means to be a man
and what it means to be a woman.

Gender equality would mean
that all men and women,

boys and girls
would enjoy equal status in society.

And measuring gender equality
is in essence an analysis of power,

in terms of who has it, who doesn't
and how to distribute it more equally.

Equality can only be one,

if everyone is made aware
of unequal power structures.

If everybody is equipped
to claim it for themselves.

Let me ask you a few questions here.

Is there a connection
between gender inequality,

rape and sex education?

Is there a systematic
silencing of information

when it comes to sex
and sexuality in India.

And how does this silencing of information

contribute to larger issues
of gender inequality,

discrimination, injustice

and patriarchal attitudes
present in our culture.

India is a country
where vast sorts of society

are highly conservative in nature.

There's often a culture of silence

when it comes to talking about
sexuality and sexual health.

The taboo around sex is such

that people find it
very difficult to talk about

any sexual health issues or problems
that they might be facing.

Then there's also this perception

that young people
shouldn't be having sex at all.

So what sexual health issues
they might be having?

I say let us just stop fooling ourselves.

Let us just talk
and break this culture of silence

that relates to larger issues
of justice, freedom,

from discrimination and democratic values.

For about a decade now,
I've worked on Women and Child Rights,

and have seen how deep these inequalities
between men and women

trapped millions of people
into the cycle of vulnerability.

But along the way
I've also met countless men

who given a chance
have been willing to examine

and improve their behavior
towards women and girls in their lives.

I think aggressive behavior
towards women isn't innate.

It is learned
and therefore it can also be unlearned.

The moment we exclude

all conversations about male perception,

we're also excluding
all conversations about desire,

about positive body image,

about what constitutes
an equal and healthy relationship

marital or otherwise sexuality and gender.

Because if there is one thing
that I'm sure of

it is, that all these candlelight vigils,
these passions,

these protests will be in vain

if we don't get
to the root of the problem.

That is if we don't break
this culture of silence,

that would further question
the gender norms and stereotypes.

Let us engage with men as partners

as beneficiaries, as fathers,
as sons, as brothers

to talk about these
unequal power structures

and how women are treated in our society.

India is home to some of the most amazing,
innovative and path breaking project

when it comes to sexuality
and sexual health.

From on ground programs
that help young people to talk about sex,

to using social media and mass media
to talk about these issues,

a lot of interesting work is happening.

I work on one such project
called "Love matters,"

which is a series
of responsive mobile websites,

that provides easy to access open, frank
and friendly information to young people

about love, sex and relationships.

We get about 450,000 visitors every month.

We have 173,000 followers in Facebook.

And, 78% of these are men.

Yes. 78%.

Now that is a huge number.

It is reassures the fact

that we're possibly giving them
the information they need.

And this is also an opportunity for us

which we're making use of
to question male perceptions,

to challenge patriarchal notions.

Because we think we can possibly change

the way they interact
with the women in their lives.

Let me give you a few examples

of the kind of questions
we get on a website.

"My first kiss sucked.

I think I didn't get it right.
I need tips."

"Is masturbation safe?"

"I have trust issues with my girlfriend.

I don't like it but what do I do?"

And responding to one of our articles
on sexual harassment,

a man wrote saying

that he felt very guilty
for what he had done.

He confessed that at any given chance,

he has rubbed his private parts
against women and girls

in public transport.

India sank into unprecedented sorrow

on the death
of the 23 years old young woman,

who was gang-raped on a Delhi bus
on 16th December 2012.

Despite being tear gassed,
despite being beaten

thousands of people, men and women,
boys and girls took onto the streets.

There was so much soul-searching
on how and why this could happen?

Social media was awash with rage,

and similar reactions have come up
after the Mumbai rape case.

I think this is a good sign,

this is a really, really good sign.

But this cannot be a one-off effort.

Because mindset do not change over night.

It is a process.

It is a process that has to continue.

It is a process
that would need gearing continuously.

Which means to we speak up and we react

every time any women and girl
in our offices, in our homes,

in our neighborhoods,
just about anywhere is treated unfairly.

I think by talking about sex

and all the good and the bad things
that go with it,

we can help men understand
what daily life is like for women.

Which also includes their mothers,

their wives,
their daughters and their sisters.

I think by talking about sex,

we can counter patriarchal notions,

we can challenge male perceptions,

and disturb the culture of silence
that leads to gender violence,

and therefore bring about justice.

Thank you.

(Applause)