Jon Stewart Demolishes Megyn Kelly and Fox Freaking Out Over Santa's Race and the War on Christmas

December 12, 2013 - Jon Stewart is really getting tired of Fox News still flogging this War on Christmas nonsense, and Thursday night, he said that "shit's getting real." He took on both Gretchen Carlson and Megyn Kelly Thursday night for freaking out about a Festivus pole and black Santa. Stewart mocked Fox's "manger danger warnings" before getting to the "crazy" stuff Kelly said about why Santa is white, period. Stewart explained the historical person Santa is based on actually had a darker skin pigmentation. And on the follow-up point that Jesus was white, Stewart said, "You do know Jesus wasn't born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, right?"

Jessica Williams then joined Stewart to explain that black people feeling uncomfortable about a white Santa need to get over it, while anything at all that makes white people feel uncomfortable has to be fixed immediately.

-I don't know what that was.
-(audience laughs)

Look, we all know Christmas
is everyone's favorite holiday.

-Everyone's.
-(audience laughs)

-Everyone's.
-(audience laughs)

But it is very difficult for even our
staunchest defenders of Christmas

to keep the spirit of the season,
when Christmas, it's very essence,

-is under constant siege by...someone!
-(audience laughs)

-Something.
-(audience laughs)

It's the subject of our new segment:

War on Christmas! [bleep] gettin' weird edition.

First up: The general pattern
of the war on Christmas.

There's an even crazier topic out there.

Remember this classic Seinfeld moment?

Out of that, a new holiday was born!

A Festivus for the rest of us!

Oh, please. That's a classic episode.

I mean, the episode was funny, but not Festivus.

(crowd hoots and laughs)

Yes. That episode was funny.

But not Festivus, the central
comedic conceit of that episode.

(audience laughs)

Not funny!

Wait, why's Festivus not a holiday
for the rest of us?

Now a nearly six foot tall Festivus pole,
made from empty beer cans,

about to go up at the Florida
State Capital. I'm not kidding.

It's part of a not-so-subtle protest
against the Nativity Scene...

..already on display there.

-Who gives a [bleep]?
-(audience laughs)

-Can't--can't you just pretend?
-(audience hoots and cheers)

Can't you just pretend it's a place
for the Wise men to tie up their camels?

-How about that?
-(audience laughs)

I mean, really, you're
concerned there's a six foot...

..Festivus pole made out of beer cans? It's Florida.

You're lucky there's not a stripper
named Christmas swinging on it.

(audience laughs and applauds)

It's--have you been to Florida?

But I apologize. I apologize. You're upset.

Why do I have to drive around
with my kids to look for Nativity scenes...

..and be like, "Oh, yeah, kids.
Look! There's baby Jesus..."

.."behind the Festivus pole
made out of beer cans."

It's nuts!

(audience laughs)

-Yes. That sounds relatively nuts.
-(audience laughs)

-Why are you driving around...
-(audience laughs)

..looking for Nativity scenes
in the car when you could just...

..bring your kids to where you work?

Where you put a giant Nativity
scene out on the plaza.

But as much as I'm used to Gretchen's
yearly "manger danger" warnings...

A little surprised to see Megyn Kelly
going full-Christmas nog.

So, in Slate, they have a piece on dot.com.

Santa Clause should not be a white man anymore.

By the way, for all you kids watching
at home, Santa just is white.

But this person is just arguing that maybe
we should also have a black Santa.

But, you know, Santa is what he is,
and just so you know,

we're debating this because
someone wrote about it, kids.

(audience laughs)

-[bleep] just got real.
-(audience laughs)

-Santa is just white.
-(audience laughs)

-And who are you actually talking to?
-(audience laughs)

Children who are sophisticated enough
to be watching a news channel at 10 PM...

..yet innocent enough to still believe
Santa Clause is real...

..yet racist enough to be
freaked out if he isn't white!

(audience laughs and applauds)

Why? That's such a narrow--

Yes, West Virginia,
There is a Santa Clause.

But since we're pretending
to debate this, carry on!

The author seems to have--
you know, she's African American.

And she seems to have real pain at having
grown up with this image of a white Santa.

Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable
doesn't mean it has to change.

Actually...I think that's the official
slogan of oppression.

(audience laughs)

Oppression--Just because it makes
you feel uncomfortable,

doesn't mean it has to change.

(audience hoots and applauds)

You know what's interesting?

-That's also the slogan of Arby's.
-(audience laughs)

I don't know why we do that.
They're perfectly nice people.

They make perfectly nice food.
I don't know why we continue to do this.

(audience laughs)

Now, now, you may wonder why
on this news channel they're making...

..assertions of fact about a fictional character.

Santa Clause is based on Saint Nicholas,
who was an actual person,

a Greek bishop, uh...and was a white man!

You can't take facts
and then try to change them...

..to fit some sort of a political agenda
or a sensitivity agenda.

-There is so much crazy going on here.
-(audience laughs)

So much crazy! I don't even have time to deal
with a Fox News pundit saying,

"You can't take facts and try and change
them to fit some kind of political agenda."

I can't say that! Even though that's all--
that's how much crazy is going on here!

But what she is suggesting is that you can't
just arbitrarily change the facts...

..about the real, historical Saint Nicholas,
who was a white man,

even though he was from Greece!

Which is actually Turkey today.

And that white man lives at the North Pole...

..and drives a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer.

(audience laughs)

But you can't change the facts.

Of course, the real Saint Nicholas
was from a part of the world...

..that is now Turkey and, according
to forensic scientists who studied...

..research originally
commissioned by the Vatican,

-..he probably looked something like this.
-(audience laughs)

So...who exactly is changing the facts
to make themselves more comfortable here?

Actual Saint Nicholas...well, my guess
is there'd be no Christmas...

..if he looked like that dude because he's
probably still on the "no fly" list.

(audience laughs)

And then things got really weird.

Jesus was a white man too.

He was a historical figure--
that's a verifiable fact.

I'll give you the "Jesus was a historical figure"...

but you're gonna get
a little push-back on the white thing!

You do know Jesus wasn't born
in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, right?

For more, we're joined
by our Senior Christmas...

..historical accuracy
correspondent, Jessica Williams.

Jessica Williams, thank you for coming
to the show. Nice to see you.

-Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
-Happy Holidays!

-Merry Christmas!
-Happy Holidays!

Merry, merry Christmas!

Well, the big news that I hear
out of the whole "Jesus is white" thing...

..is that Jews are white now.
So, Congratulations, John!

But, you know, what about Santa?
Do you feel Santa is white?

What about people insisting Santa is white?

Oh, John. Santa is white.

That's just the facts.

It's Miracle on 34th Street,
not Miracle on 134th Street.

(audience laughs and applauds)

The only--The only miracle on 134th street
is that we get to participate at all.

Half the time Santa skips us
on his way downtown, just like a taxi cab.

(audience laughs)

Here's the thing. Santa is fiction!

-He's not even real--
-Hey! Hey, man!

What the hell are you doing?!

-Hey, kids!
-(audience laughs)

Stop crying. Santa is as real as [bleep].

And...he is really white. He's really white.

No, but Jessica, if we're talking history here,

and that is what they're saying.

We're talking fact and history.

Saint Nicholas was from the area
of the world that is now Turkey.

He was not some cherubic Wilford Brimley type.

Hey, don't be stupid, John.

A swarthy Turkish Santa would make
people very uncomfortable.

Yes, yes, yes. But Meghan said,
"Just because you feel uncomfortable..."

.."that doesn't mean you should change it."

Oh, wait. No. Meghan said if I feel uncomfortable,

there's no need to change it.

If white people feel uncomfortable,
then we have to change it.

And then pretend it's the way it's always been.

That's how this...

became this.

(audience laughs)

It works that way for everything!

Like how this...

becomes this!

White people don't want to hear Jailhouse Rock...

..from somebody who'd actually been to jail!

Real jail's uncomfortable. Elvis' jail is fun!

He did. He did. He looked like
he was having a great time.

-He was dancing.
-He was!

Ain't nothin' but a hound dog!

I mean, John, that's how it's done.

First you fix history,
then you lock that [bleep] down.

Forever. In a vault.

Sorry, Santa's not black just because
some blogger wishes he was.

Just like Meg is not black just because
she spells her name creatively.

(audience laughs)

And let's face it, John...

There is no way this could be Santa.

(John) But--what--now...?

(audience laughs)

He looks very jolly. Why not?

Because the moment white folks
saw a black man with a big old bag...

..coming down the chimney, it'd be time
to grab a gun and stand your ground.

(audience laughs)

Jessica Williams. Thank you
so much. Merry Christmas.

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