Každá irská matka v historii | Foil Arms a Hog

1: Dobře

Jsem zpátky z rodičovské schůze

Pojď sem, hned teď

Tvoje máma po rodičovské schůzce

Tři hodiny jsem tam

mrzla na chodbě

bez kapky teplého čaje.

Měli by zavést pravidlo tří minut

na osobu a učitele.

Někteří z rodičů skoro vymluvili

učitelům díru do hlavy.

A co ti o mně teda vlastně řekli?

2: Podle tvého učitele matematiky

3: si vedeš dobře.

4: To je fajn

5: "Fajn", Oisíne?

6: Měl bys být nejlepší ze třídy.

7: Mami, matika mi prostě nejde.

8: Oisíne, ty se prostě jen nesnažíš

9: [povzdechne si]

10: Mluvila jsem s panem O'Donovanem,

11: podle něj děláš jen nezbytné minimum,

12: abys prošel.

13: Před Vánoci jsem dostal dvojku!

14: Dvojku nebo ne, má tě prokouknutého,

15: mladý muži.

16: Jen tak proplouváš.

17: Mohl bys dělat o tolik víc,

18: mozek jen čeká na využití.

19: Musíš se do toho pořádně opřít

20: Jen proplouváš a proplouváš a proplouváš

20a:

21: Můj Oisín by mohl

22: pracovat pro NASA.

23: Nechci, abys dál seděl s Barrym v lavici

24: Ne

25: Úplně tě vidím, jak tam sedíš

a nesoustředíš se.

Taky jsem mluvila s paní Flynnovou,

která vás učí obchod,

a říkala mi, že se snažíš

a nebudeš mít problém u zkoušek.

Popravdě, nejsem si jistá,

že věděla, kdo jsi

Mami!

Ok, ty prostě nevěříš ničemu dobrému,

jen tomu nepříjemnému.

Paní Gaughanová říká, že by ses měl víc zapojit

Má na mě spadeno

she does have it in for me

she has kicked me out of the class three times last week

what did Mr Gary say

I don't rate him as a teacher

yeah Mom what's he saying

he's not up to the task

what did he say

he's too laid back

mum

I mean he's trying to be friends with all the students

what did he say

he said you're doing well

Mr Doyle the vice principal now

there is a man with a head for discipline

he's a maniac

what did my art teacher say

oh I didn't go to her

what why not

the queue was a mile long, she just talks and talks

that's my best subject

I saw that new English teacher of yours, Mrs O'Neill

most of the fathers are very keen to speak to her

although I didn't think she was dressed appropriately at all

her guidance cancer says

that based on your marks from her assessment

that you should consider doing something with your hands

like carpentry or weaving

what

I actually got the smell of alcohol of her

Mr Rooney wanted to know

if you'd like to join the chess club so I said you would

what

if you'd like to join the debating Club

no

if you'd like to join the choir

I said you would

have more interested in Taekwondo

and I said no

oh

I spoke to your music and Drama teacher

what

and it had to be said

oh no no

you should have been playing the role of Oliver in the school play

you have a beautiful voice

that Jeffrey fella doesn't have a note in his head

and he's completely flat-footed

Cooking With Your Parents

help me in the kitchen, I am up to my eyes

oh do I have to

yes you do have to

use exact measurement, Oisín,

follow the recipe to the letter

well how much should we add

a handful of them what a heaped teaspoon

a dog a scoop a pinch a ow a dash

they're not measurements

what are you cooking

fish

I hate fish

you'll eat it

putting pizza in the oven is not cooking

pot noodle is not cooking

Dairy dunkers is not cooking

cornflakes from the packet is not cooking

now clean as you go

Mom I'm hungry

if you're hungry, have something small

there's no nourishment in that at all

to sustain you if you're hungry have an apple

don't eat straight from the shopping bags

Jesus Christ let's sit in the cupboard for a minute

don't eat the ham straight from the package

don't eat straight from the fridge, put it on a plate

those penguins are for Christmas

it's July

put them back in the freezer

clean as you go

chicken can be lethal, you need to cook it until it's black

all knives are sharp

perfect with this side of the knife washing

clean as you go

a watched pot never boils

it's boiled is it

don't scratch my non-stick pan

would you like to do the Sterling, Oisín

yeah

I'm not five mom

would you like to lick the spoon

yeah I ain't going to leave yet to do that yourself

okay yeah goodbye

no you're you're doing it too slow watch you know

no no no don't just do it yourself

your father's cooking dinner tomorrow night

where are you going with the microwave

the boots of the car the only way I can get them to cook a decent meat

Going To Dinner With Your Parents

would you like to try some of my wine

oh yeah

yeah no just a sip

okay there you go that's too much

well I didn't I hadn't even tried it yet

[Music]

duck is very fatty chicken can be very tasteless

Falafel can be very dry

I can cook a lasagna myself

I might have a look and see what other people have ordered

but no Mom don't

I'm just looking at what you've ordered there

yes the carbonara is it okay that looks lovely

yes that is very heavy for me now

I wouldn't I wouldn't want that

that is a beautiful soul seller

beautiful candle holder glassware sterling silver

I'll bet yeah very hard to clean them

I bet they can't put it in the dishwasher at

Water please

okay is there a Steelers party

tap yeah it tastes the same

can I please get the Bolognese

there's a lot of onion in that isn't it

that would run right through it

how's school

uh yeah it's it's good uh actually

uh Mr O'Neill yeah yeah

Mr O'Neill was saying yesterday that

the shoulders

yeah so uh Mr Neil was saying that the clap

so what was Mr O'me saying there nothing

God you have the word to throw to a dog

God I think that's correct that's definitely Court

it was a screw top model

is yours hot enough there

yeah

mine's stone cold, I might have mine reheated

just steam coming off

yeah okay

excuse me what no I could have these reheated

food this is lovely now

it just needs a touch of salt

oh shoot slow down pat

enjoy it's not a race manners Oisín

chew your food don't woof

masticate

well now that was a bit disappointing

I would say for the price of it

yeah

I think I'll have to say something

no mum

just saying something new

there's your check

everything okay

yep great lovely thank you very much

no problem

now I have a voucher here

Holidays With Your Parents

the food is way far too soft

I want all alarms set for 6 a.m six

Oisín, we need to be at the airport at least two hours before the flight

at least three hours for five hours

16 hours before the flight

I'm not leaving anything to chance

I want to be there and I want to be settled

are we getting a taxi

taxi yeah Bushy

when that's millionaires don't go around telling people around holidays

why not we might get burgled

now unplug the TV disconnect the internet

defrost the freezer cut the grass water the plants

take in the garden furniture turn on the radio

pull the blinds leave a light on upstairs

why so people think somebody's home

someone who never leaves a one room

we need to empty the fridge before we go,

but don't let anything go to waste

right each of the bit of bread that's left there

we didn't finish those yogurts eat up Oisín

finish the gherk gherkins

don't touch those crisps they're for guests

leave a note for the Milkman

last time we came back to 16 liters

and still sitting out in the sun

right the cheese it was

mum, can we visit the football stadium

I don't we have a lot to get through, Oisín,

there are 17 churches on that street alone

and they all have Fresco

no no why can't I just stay home I'm old enough

not after what your brother did two years ago

the floors were destroyed

the begonias never recovered

all the toilets were blocked

I found spaghetti in the porch

I found your father's shoes halfway down the road

I'm not Daniel okay

they found family photos in the neighbor's Back Garden

I'm only remembering this now

is that everything

yeah

right God the stress I'm not right God the stress I'm not

yeah oh neither am I

Isolating With Your Parents

Mom why are you calling me from upstairs

I have I have I have

what the Rona

I have it what you call it

I came out of the shower and I coughed

so do not come near me

now I'm going to be self-isolating in my room

oh okay

now you're gonna have to run the house

until I'm in the clear pet

okay

are you able to do that

yeah

now are you capable of that

well yes Mom

are you sure now

Mom I think I can manage

well it's it's not an easy thing to do now

it's a difficult thing to run a household

okay I think I'll manage right

right okay God the house will come down around us

now you'll have to Hoover the downstairs

dust will build up if you don't stay on top of it

all right final dude where is it

what

the Hoover where is it

sliced he doesn't even know where the Hoover is

just tell me where it is

it's under the stairs

that's all you have to say

now you need to get right in under the bowl there right here

yeah I know Mom

get the cloth right in there

what

are you scrubbing it properly then

you're not showing me show me the

show me the bowl there

if you still see dirt there

I'm hanging up

which part do I put the powder in

in the drawer

yeah which part

are you doing a pre-wash

I don't know

the left is for fabric softener

okay do I put that in

that's only for towels Oisín

okay

the rice is for a pre-wash

and the middle bit is for detergent

where do I put the washing powder

I don't use powder we use capsules

to put them directly in the drum

right fine when you say that in the first place

you just put it straight in the middle

stop it, Oisín, now that's a dishwasher tablet

so you dust on top of the picture frames

yes

show me

there

now show me the top of the picture frame there now

all right fine

now they're Infinity

I thought so

filled up absolutely filthy there

now did you clean the windows

yeah but I can't get rid of the streaks

what did you use

I used the window cleaner but

oh no this video ah

Something's Happened to close

what do you mean

they're smaller now

Jesus that's my good cards again

what temperature did you put them on

on as for 80 degrees

80 degrees how did you get it to go that high in the first place

now that you've polished the Lampshades I need

Mother of God can I not get a minute's piece

I haven't sat down all day

I am up to hideo because you'd want the patience of a saint

now have you coughed since this morning

no I haven't

do you have a temperature

no

a tightness of the chest difficulty breathing

no

any loss of smell or taste

no

are you feeling tired loss of energy

no

well then there is nothing wrong with your young lady

so get out of that bed and get down here this instant

oh you are so annoying

Learning To Drive With Your Parents

okay he's he's he's

easy I'm not rushing

you're rushing now

there's no need to rush mom

expect the unexpected

handbrake again

sorry

that was nice you can't put your arms across me

there is no need to shout

no no no

here's a learner try for now here's a learner driver now

watch out for the learner driver

he's like yourself and he's panicking

he's panicky he's very panicky

keeps under the speed limit

mum I'm I'm going 15.

are you 15.

when you're going into a roundabouting

you have to be very very careful now

now, Oisín, what are you doing

oh God those cars all over the place now

watch off left left left right

left right left right and left oh

God almighty we're still alive

you don't need fifth gear

that's for race car drivers

I'm just third gear is all you need

one two and three keep it simple

it will try the three-point turn here

okay

you need to bring the car to a stop

touching it you're airing the ass out of the car oh

[ __ ] oh God this is a dodgy area

no do the central locking

camera Watch the daffodence watch the Duffy

you're going into the daffodils there

now this game arrangement such a friend

such a friend from school

no Mom I'm not stopping

he's learning, how to drive

don't mind him now

Parents On The First Day Back To School

just you're doing your own thing okay School easy

you should have had everything ready to go last night

not helping

fix that taco

mom it's too big for me

it'll fit you next year

you cannot wear them

what are their shoes

well they look like Runners to me

geez it's the wish of that bag the price of that booklet

the price of that uniform the price of that class trip

voluntary contribution my eye

what are you looking for

a pen

he doesn't even have a pen

who do you have for history this year

Mr Flanagan

oh Jesus

who bought these

that nothing but sugar

and I'm making a porridge

what no please

here check that no more

can I send money for lunch

I'll make you sandwiches

there's nothing wrong with Jam

sandwiches with lettuce and cheese

sandwiches gherkins and Branston sauce

don't sit beside Barry this year

why

why you know why

I said besides James Weiss didn't he get all Ace

but he's a knob

he he's boring

that's not what you said now

that coat isn't warm enough put that on

what I'm not wearing that

oh she no I'll drop you

down well no psycho

are you embarrassed of your mother

yeah obviously

put that coat back on and the helmet

Parents When You Get Dumped

right what has you in such foul humor

nothing you are moping about the place

with a face on you like I don't know what

you're fine

right off of that there now

and you had to tell me what's wrong

there's nothing wrong okay

Oisín Robert Flanagan

a mother always knows when something's wrong

yeah I got dumped

what

I got dumped

what you mean

by my girlfriend

a girlfriend you never told me you had a girlfriend

yeah well I don't have one anymore do I

well that's probably for the best given it's an exam year pet

it's her loss girls like that

you are a diamond

there are plenty more trout in the Shannon

you're a catch, Oisín, any girl would be lucky to have you

I've always thought you look like a young Prince William

mum, you're making a worse just leave me alone

there you probably weren't in love with her

okay

the only way to get over sadness is distraction

so busy busy busy busy busy busy

mum

you should come down to the garden center with me

and I will get you to pick out a plant for yourself

oh wow that sounds terrific

but that's all these kids cheers

you don't understand she was perfect

well I knew a girl from college, bridamine

her beautiful beautiful girl I tell you

she had the boys like that

but last I heard twice divorced a son that won't talk to her

and on top of that she looks dreadful now

what if I never find anyone who's good again

mark my words, Oisín, in a few years time

they would be knocking down my door

queuing up outside beating them off with sticks

have your pick of the bunch

there are plenty of young ladies out there still

yeah like who

well Mrs O'Toole's daughter always had a soft spot for you

she's my cousin

third cousin

we're a small island nation

right now, Oisín, there's no perfect time to talk about this

but if you're going to be having girlfriends

we need to be talking about being careful

what

you need to be careful

oh no no no no no

we're not talking about

we're not talking about

sit down there young man

sit back down there

Parents When You Have Your Friends Over

can Barry come over

as long as he takes his shoes off

last time you drag dog dirt all over the house

yeah okay

and clean up this place it's an absolute State

it's like a bomb hitter the place is a tip i

t's like a pigsty cowshed Chicken Coop

have we been burgled

I'm sure Barry's house is clean

we were living in our own filth here

how's the mother grad right

and the father Grand

is he thinking a cut on the Hedge this weekend with us

don't know

well it's just eyes on my side there

now so boom

right I'm gone I'm gone

God the smell of fish in here

bye love put your shoes back up

oh Shane's getting late now so

you know I think Barry's parents will be wondering

where he is it's getting quite late there

now oh Barry you're still here

we'll have to start charging your rent now Barry

okay Barry we'll be having our dinner soon so uh

okay I'll stay in here

would you like to join us for dinner Barry

suppose so

right should I chicken Barry

no

do you like peas Barry

no

do you like potatoes Barry

no

do you like cabbage Berry

no

do you like fish fingers Barry

no

do you like carbohydrates Barry

no

what do you like Barry

nuggets

right I'll check the Deep Freeze

will you see if there's any Magnums in there

rush I'm going to bed now all right

all right good night

good night Barry good night

better get out of my house

for Christ's sake uh, Oisín, it's five past eight oh

Parents When You're Sick

Mom I think I'm sick

you're going to school

right let's have a look at you here

Jesus

I know

you're not going to school are you mad

right I'll get the fix now

rub this on your chest your back your cheeks

your ears and the soles of your feet

now the steam is good for you

it's burning my face

just another 25 more minutes pet

what are you doing to the 7-0

it's useless unless it's flat

Jesus

just one more Spoonful

no mum please it's disgusting

cod liver oil is a cureall

cider vinegar is a cure gargling

salted water is a cure-all

cinnamon tumeric garlic ginger onion is

a cure puke

it's your stomach

actually you're at me

Oisín, are you warm enough

yes

I'll get another hot water

no I already have three

do you know what you're missing in school

no

because we don't want you falling behind

love will you try some chicken soup

no thanks

I've made your favorite Bolognese

no mum

well you have to eat something love

could ever wear his ice cream

right yeah yeah where's ice ice cream

okay if you're too sick for school

you're too sick for computer games

to watch television to be on the phone

to listen to headphones

you're never too sick to read a book

oh Oisín you needn't be worried about school

because I had your cousin go in there

and get the homework for you

so that's all sorted out

mum

are there any more Mars ice creams

yes yes

will you make it to the toilet in time love

I leave the Basin just here okay

yeah

are you going to be sick

are you going to be sick now

because if you are going to be sick

there's a base in there now okay

all right so I'll leave it here now

it's to your right

f*ck off

Doomdah

please it's disgusting

cod liver oil

wow

it's like pure fish I hate fish

Playing Computer Games With Your Parents

ing it's a beautiful day outside

what are you doing cooped up in here

get on fire you are wasting the day

the day is gone you are like a vampire in here

Jesus are you afraid someone might see you

are you under witness protection or something

turn off that game station and go outside

yeah I'm in the middle of a match

you could play your football out in the fresh air

it's not football it's MMA

Museum of Modern Art to stay there

I need someone to help me

with hedge clippings in the garden

five minutes okay

you said five minutes an hour ago

no it's just about to type

I will tap you out

God Almighty I'm exhausted

I am five hours six hours 12 18 72 hours in that Garden

got as well for some reason

I sit in their backside playing computer

yeah well no one's stopping you playing

ah ABS you're allergic to have fun

which way you hold it now

which one am I

Conor McGregor

is that Conor McGregor

yes just press Start

I'd find it hard to get a job with them now

just please start

how do I shoot there's no guns

I thought it's like running around with a gun

earlier it was a different game

what did I do there it didn't do anything

that's me

am I the one on the right here

no that's me

how do I get out of this Carson cage

am I right that one there

that's the referee

where am I can't see anything

gotcha oh gotcha again oh geez I kicked [ __ ]

did I kick it you see

all right Jesus I punched your phone fast

oh I've been knocked out

that was my character God

should I win yeah

Jesus

the size of that belt

how are you supposed to keep a pair of trousers up

with that thing right how was it around

Shopping With Your Parents

the waist it won't stop it

shut up people are looking like

no one is looking

this one's pretty cool

there is no heat in there the wind will go right through

it's like a plastic bag you'll freeze

you'll catch your day he'll catch pneumonia it's wafer thin

I tell you you won't look cool you look cold

that was not funny I look ridiculous

I'm gonna get bullied

anyone who bullies it over a coat, Oisín, is not your friend

oh I look like a giant snot

you do not it brings out your eyes

what about this one, mum?

is it on sale no then put it back

this one's really warm

does it have a hood no put it back

oh this one's warm Anda has a hood

is it machine washable

no oh oh Shane how are you getting on in there

I'm fine

does it fit you all right

just go away

look come out and show me

I'm not coming out

all right will you come out and show your mother

no Mom wait

so I'm coming in

did you not come in here

oh sorry no there's nobody in

here I I thought you were my son

what's going on

when I ask you to come out you come out

a leather jacket, Oisín, you're not James Dean

Clark Gabe Steve McQueen Marlon Brandon Humphrey Bogart John Wayne Lionel Richie

boom this is the one Barry has it's really cool

Barry has a cool Crush because Barry's dad lives in Portugal

don't repeat that

it's polyester put us back 100

well it's itchy

the itcher it is the higher the quality

the moment you look like a tent

oh there's a tear great we might get a discount

right let's have a look at you no don't you look great

no I'm after spending 135 Euro on your, OIsín

you could give me a smile

uh giant snow

oh isn't that your friend Barry

will he come here to me for a second pet

Staycation With Your Parents

yeah great news

we're going on holidays

Spain we can go

no not Spain, Oisín, there's a pandemic

we're going on a staycation

in Ireland

yes Ireland, Oisín

now Maureen has given us the lender

of a holiday home in Don Bowie

oh no

I don't really have there's not much internet up there

so bring plenty of books

oh no no

please it's gonna be boring

it's been nice

there's nothing to do

there is plenty to do for someone with a bit of imagination

like what

like walks beautiful scenery old churches and walks

clearly said walks

you can't even drink the water in dunbu we can't

ah don't be ridiculous

the water is fine you just need to

run the tap for 20 to 15 minutes before

house is freezing the heating doesn't work

there is plenty of turf for that fire plenty of turf

and the septic tank should be fixed by the time we get there I'm told

oh no more

now there is a key under the mat because many break-ins there

it wouldn't be anything happening in don't Bowie at all

pack your togs

why

because of the beach

there's no beaches

sharp rocks that gradually gets smaller towards the shore

rip the foot off yeah I know the water is freezing

I'm not getting in look at

it's either stay here and Lounge about the house

or come with me

stay here

I have spent many is a nice summer

in Dumb Bowie as a little girl

right and I loved it

you also used to think Mansion oranges were a treat mom

times change okay

this might be the last holiday we spend as a family now

tell Pat 's Erie down the road in Glendale Mick

and we only Spanish when the wind is blowing West

so pack your bags and stop complaining

Hey

Hey Barry

Barry

hey it's finally in the parking

yes we are packing for our holidays tomorrow

where you go

we're going to do don't bore

and don't porn don't Bowie

don't Bowie yes

oh yeah gray colorful yeah monkey very cool

no it's a family holiday

oh what time are we leaving

Barry's mother has something else planned for them

no

but the house has to be cleaned from top to bottom

for the last two days of the holidays

yeah yeah no problem

we'll leave it the same condition as we found it

exactly

a dump

Studying With Your Parents

mom can you do my French questions with me

the oral is tomorrow tomorrow

right let me get my glasses there

so just read the question

yeah just just read the questions

what

je m'appelle Oisín Flanagan

there what we live in Dublin

we are on the border see Dublin

football is

you haven't practiced in months

sitting up there in the computer all the time

who cares just the eye care

I choose the money I paid for those lessons

what sister you don't have a sister

it's for the vocabulary

move it's not good to tell lies, Oisín you can get cut out

Doritos is your more coke say that don't think it does feed you save green beans and broccoli

don't open the dictionary

no it's there's no time

I don't it doesn't matter what you're saying

and Doritos my mayor a professor

a montpair a engineer h

e's actually an engineer now

he's more of a diagnostic consultant for ventilation systems

I don't know those words okay and the exam is tomorrow

why do you have to leave everything to the last minute

the amount of money I spent sending you to France

you've done dama you've done sweet

diddly squash bugger all less than nothing my grand pair a Quattro vant we dance

your grandfather is dead or she know he's dead

I have to show that I know numbers though Jesus

if I could do the exam for you, Oisín, it's your future

it sounds like you don't even know what you're saying

you've just learned off a set of phrases and you're regurgitating

well I'm not actually trying to learn French

I'm just trying to pass the exam

Teaching Computers To Parents

oh god I've broken it Oisín what have I done now

nothing it's fine

I have had it with this cursed machine

let's sit down there now and show me how to use this

what I have to do my homework

I can only take a second

what should you do there now

I didn't do anything

well you did you did something

there there

well I just moved the mouse across the screen

there it is again

it's the mouse double click double click

okay

you have to do it faster

faster yeah

okay let's let me do it

let's take this

I want you to show me how to do it I don't want you to do it for me

you just type in your email address

right okay

nasty oh yeah n ope

oh look I've got some email from a prince ragaba from Nigeria

oh you're jealous huh

no I'm he's just trying to rob you

he's a prince he's

oh well I don't think that's actually a prince stuck in an airport

and he needs help now

where's my credit card details

it keeps offering me cookies

I got an email from the bank of Europe

asking me to reconfirm my credit card details

I am an hour trying to get this bloody printer to work

and it just refuses to do anything alternative now

oh God what's this now it's just the terms and conditions

the application may ask for your permission to access

you don't have to read

a moment it's just Gmail it says please read the terms and conditions before

yeah but nobody 14 pages long you don't nobody

oh I've clicked out of it what's this now

history oh that could be interesting

might be something on the Renaissance

oh no you can't don't don't open up

you can open the history folder

it could it could break the computer

I thought you said you couldn't break

oh Jesus Christ so she what what's the stuff now

Doomdah

Watching TV When Your Parents Walk In

oh God turn this off now turn this off

they use the remote pornography

it's not it's a TV show

where they could have fooled me I'm home

if that's that show that the average people

normal people

I'm I've heard all about it on the radio to pray

no it's not you always just come in at the worst part

well I've heard the worst part goes on for four minutes and 42 seconds

what

Mary White timed it

I'm always not about that

I don't care what it's about

anything that has to rely on that sort of Filth has nothing to offer

like I've never even seen it

I bet Barry's mother doesn't let him watch

I think she does

actually I very much doubt that

if she does you're not watching it and that is final

fine

would you not get yourself a nice book

apparently there's a great novel by an Irish author it is Sally Rooney

uh no thanks

it's supposed to be brilliant

oh hello Barry

what have I told you about letting yourself in

sorry the door was unlocked

so does your mother know you watch the show

yeah everybody's watching it

you see everyone

we are not watching us here in 23 crime for crevices

fine okay come on Barry

okay

where are you going I didn't come down the last shower now

you're going to watch it on your phone

you know what else I can watch my phone if I wanted to

actual pornography

okay

oh God and Mikey it's still on

Jesus Christ and e

why anyone wants to watch this smush is beyond me

is he wearing a necklace

Connor for God's sake that is no way to treat you one t

hat boy's mother has her head screwed on

oh we do not just stay together

God you're perfect for each other

where's the dinner

oh sorry

hey you're watching us

no I was looking for the Antiques Road

you're on the last episode

oh God I hope there's a second season

what I'm an emotional

are you wearing a necklace

it's a chain

Watching TV With Your Parents

what you doing

I'm watching a movie

move over there

good luck it's my spot

oh I haven't sat down all day

I was trying to watch a movie

is it suitable is it suitable

yeah it's suitable and Oscar

right God it's very violent

you've got that shocking nudity

oh she turned that off

what more makes a shampoo add what

oh why do we have so many remote controls

yeah this is for the television

yeah this for the DVD player that's the satellite

and that's the house phone

there's no need to be smart

you know I did repack them here now

absolutely the flourishing flourishing

behind the carpet cleaners in here the other week

now they did a fierce good job absolute excellence

is this the one now

yeah yeah

it's too loud no mum that's a channel you change your channel

the other one go back all right go back

no go oh oh go oh what's this

antique no no she's a beautiful race

you run out there and make a scope of tea like a good lad

that's too strong did you put any milk

did you spell the pot that's too sweet put it in a proper Cup

who's that Antonio Banderas

I thought you said this was meant to be good

oscari backside oh Jesus it's almost nine

turn over to the news there

what no mum please

will you go on to the news

my living room my rules my house my rules my TV my rules

shooting and Killing

Jesus would you have a song

or something

oh God there's the rain there's the Rain

Jesus give me a hand with clothes get out here

When Parents Cook Christmas Dinner

Christmas is upon us so I want all hands on deck

you're fine

there was too much for me to do last year

so this year I am keeping it simple

right I am just doing the turkey and ham

the roast potatoes carrots cauliflower

cheese parsnips Beef Wellington mashed potato potato

cracker flat potatoes potato potato

cheesy potato chips

Auntie Rose is vegan now

oh that woman has to be difficult

oh and the O'Connor cousins only eat like spaghetti and pizza

they will eat what is pot in front of them

it won't fish it won't fit in the oven the turkey

it's a monstrosity of thing it's like an ostrich

why did you get such a big one there was so much left over last year

well I don't want to get cut out

well we were eating turkey leftovers in June

turkey curry turkey soup turkey meatballs

yes the turkey roulette we still have some left

good man I need more room in the fridge

will you finish off those eggs drink the rest of that milk

polish off those gherkins finish off that mayonnaise

this dinner will be the death of me

why'd you go to so much effort if you find it so stressful

well maybe you'd prefer some slices of toast and Nutella

yeah a wood

your wood my eye

apparently you can cook the ham in Coca-Cola

God that sounds disgusting

no I'm doing mine Insider

I need to get the Christmas cake done

boom nobody ever eats the Christmas cake

that is not the point

it has to be done anyway

I want you to extend the mahogany table

oh well we actually get to eat in the dining room do we

I know it is a beautiful table I want to show it off

now covers look at that plastic tablecloth there

what I don't want it getting wrecked

well at least something has sunk in

or shouldn't we need 18 bags of sultanas

how many puddings are we making eight or nine

hey why do we need so many puddings

I like to keep a few around for emergencies

break glass for pudding Brandy

Oisín will you get the Brandy out for me there

Oisín, the Brandy thank you thank you specialize

Jesus stop watching did we use that much last year

come on can Barry come for Christmas dinner with us

Oisín, Christmas is a family time

oh no mum please please

well I'm sure Barry wants to spend Christmas with his own family now

would you like to come with us on a walk on Christmas Day Barry

you can go on the walk and we'll stay here and mind the house

God almighty this dinner will be the death of me

well I know it's a lot of work mum,

but when it's all done you could just sit back

you know and enjoy Christmas

I haven't enjoyed Christmas since 1972 Washington

now get the Brandy

well we don't need many more puddings

it's not for the puddings right

When Parents Drag You Places

Oisín we're visiting breed of Meine

can I just stay at home

not on your own

why do I have to come she's your friend or mine

you're to be sociable

the only thing you guys talking about is people who are dead

we do know shouldn't I hear Mina Walsh died

oh she did

she did

do you know who else died Phelan Corcoran

he didn't

but he wasn't wearing Sheila McKenna she's not you know what a sergeant Lincoln shouldn't look

well oh just a matter of time

yeah yeah yeah

he didn't

she did

did you hear

no oh

well you're stuck

go away

sure this is it

would you like a cup of tea, Oisín?

uh no thanks

you have like a fizzy drink

yes

yeah actually I think I have some tonic water in the fridge

Oisín, you must be very popular with the ladies

I'd say of your pick of the bunch

oh no there's to be no girlfriends until after the exams

until he's 21 36 52.

oh she's very good at maths, Oisín

very music big into the drama

Oisín's very good at the French

is he now say it is a French first Arrow

Shin come on to to Pal there uh

oh brilliant

I've got some prawns steaming in the kitchen grief

I hate prawns

you'll eat that I'm allergic and I'm eating

oh boy it's polite all

that meal is delicious

we have to have you again some time

on now absolutely

right here we go oh [ __ ] okay

safe home

now I cannot stand that woman

uh she's not that bad mom

how much money did she give you

When Parents Give You A Lift

where's Barry

he's coming

it's 25 past eight, Oisín, we said a quarter past

yeah okay he said he'd be here

it's been late every day this week

he's not getting a lift to school next week

I can tell you that

all right fine I don't care

and his mother is none too quick to return the offer

Mighty what's that smell is that a clean shirt

yes

right

Hey Barry

nice but you almost took the door off the hinges

okay now does everyone have the seat belt on

you've moved one off five okay

leave it and then polish Barry

Mom can I go out on Friday night

don't talk to me when I'm driving, Oisín

I get distracted

oh are the McDonald's getting the job done on the house

they need to cut that grass

that skirt is a far too short

they've painted that house in awful

those daffodils are still going

God that's a dreadful gaze they've put in

I forgot my lunch again

yeah those salad sandwiches will go to waste

can I get a 10 for the canteen

you can have a fiver

a Fiverr is not enough

it's enough when it's spent on proper food

not on spicy wedges or Mr Slurpees

what

this man cannot drive a car no education

I'm not letting him in I'm not letting him in

now I'm not letting you in

have none is a word to throw to a dog both of them

there their heads glued in the phones

let's go over the verb etra again

no

warm just sweet to a

the cheek of him she's blocking the entire Lane

I can't go forward there's a yellow box

is that man waving at me at the back form

he's giving you the finger

well I feel very sorry for that man's wife

change the radio station I'm listening to the news

mommy listen to the news at breakfast

it's the same news it doesn't change

I'll put on my CD

here we go I can

put on the news here

no

I'll drop you to the door

no no move here's fine [ __ ] you to the door

no no put your seatbelt back down

When Parents Have Visitors

well don't slam the door Jesus Christ

the visitors will be here in eight hours

I need all hands on deck, Oisín

will you go into the control room there

and give it your sister's junk where's herself

she should have to get rid of it

I don't have time to argue with you

okay I am up to my eyes I am flattered

I'm fit to collapse I am up to high dough

so just go and do it

oh I've just cleaned the toilet so nobody go in there

well the visitors aren't coming for like six hours

where are we ready to go

if you need to go go next door to the caverns

I'm not going to the cabinets to take a dump

or she need to pump the cushions yes

or she needs your dust behind the TV

yes

you need to weed the garden

yes

watching to Jehovah under the couch

nobody's gonna look under the couch mum

why are we cleaning so much

because I don't want to think that we live like animals

this is how we live

God on my chance did you clean your room

No One's Gonna Be in my room mum

but they'll close the door Jesus Christ

they went in there they could get wheels disease

don't eat them they're for guests

or shouldn't go in there and

fill up the mountain Brown

will you good ladder knock those glasses

the good glasses not that Cutlery the good Cuttery

not those plates they're too good

oh I'm after forgetting the effing cream

but she really come in here yeah boss

what

what

what you want you call me in

I'm busy

here now Jesus Christ you can't be annoying me now

just call me oh God my mind is that

damn Jesus they're early

go in there and talk to them

I don't know

look I need to get ready

all right I'll be down in an hour

don't worry about it

oh [ __ ] take the chicken out of the other

medium yeah it's in there too long

did it take it off about 10

get in there and see if we need more wine

Mary wants to know if we have any tonic water

cannot stand that one

bye-bye never again

When Parents Ruin Your Summer

okay it's games off now no games

I have more so weak

and you haven't left that seat

you are to be up out of the house

and I want your occupied

I will not hover a piece of last summer

where you moped about the house doing sweet fa

I have brochures worse

the tennis club are doing a three-week camp in July

no

there's speech and drama in the community center

orienteering in the Pine Forest

a science camp arts and crafts Pottery

tree shaping astronomy bug snorkeling

nude still life Rock

how did that get in there now

that's the least two weeks left to fill in Moon

Barry said that there's a really good thing

intense like a mixed martial arts course

oh no move I haven't told you but

what about French College Lord knows you need the help

yeah I'm meant to be on my holidays

that's basically School

you could volunteer in the local community

there is a great sense of satisfactions

how about I use this time to teach you how to play chess

how to sew flower arranging cross stitching

use the washing machine teach how to drive

never again

we could do a virtual online class together

no I'm on my holidays I don't want to learn anything

The Devil Makes work for Idle Hands

stop referring to yourself in the third person mom

well you could come help me in the garden

what would I get if I did it

gardening is its own reward

for every four hours you do gardening

you can have five minutes on the game

what's a terrible deal

you will need something to use up your free time

well me and Barry were thinking about joining a band

oh lovely

and the father he used to play the bassoon in the rathfarnum concert

no more a real band Lego guitars and drums

not under my roof

or you and Barry could go on bicycles along the canal

and then maybe stop for a picnic

I'm not trying to woo Barry in the 19th century

right Oisín, I have tried everything

so we're going to learn a tick tock dance together

well no no no

no I'll do I'll do the gardening I'll do the gardening

outside in the fresh air

When Your Parents Get A New Phone

yeah what are you doing exactly, Oisín

what

I need your help I got a new iPhone

that's an Android

what

it's an Android it's not an iPhone

I don't care what it is I can't get the thing working

just turn it on

I haven't finished reading the manual yet

I haven't filled out the warranty yet

this phone is to last me five years 10 years 15 75 years

play your cards right I'll leave it for you in my will

I just want the phone calls and the text messages

okay so just the basics

okay just WhatsApp

no Jesus no I don't want any of that waste time of those applications

but WhatsApp is text messages

okay so what was your password on your last phone

yes right yes I I've written it down somewhere

here now yes um yes like it's gonna be again

um password one one

no

try clean as you go odd caps

no try my name

no nothing

try my my maiden name there

my maiden name

uh yeah um uh Oisín my maiden name

I just need to put in your Google password

oh yeah I don't know what it is

now put in your banking password

Facebook passwords

oh I can't remember

Microsoft password

no Oisín I can't it's gone after me it's I've broken it

oh Jesus I'm pressing this one here now

what's that

why those two this volume

well they're very close together

yeah you just press this and you put in your PIN

that's ridiculous absolutely ridiculous

now it keeps going off on me now why does it do that

the screen just times it goes to sleep

well we're gonna turn that off because

it doesn't give me a second before it's gone again

you really just like it's intense there it's gone again

it's because you haven't used it for 10 seconds

to seconds you can't do anything in 10 seconds

camera on this is marvelous isn't it

it's a great shots you should get them printed

what are these now

they're notifications

right and and what you

just you press them and then they'll open

you press into them right

okay yeah yeah okay

let's put in your PIN

oh I don't know what that is now

When Your Parents Go Away

you know I'm going away for the weekend

yeah yeah tell me like a hundred times

yes I'm going away with my friend Geraldine

yeah yeah

did you thank her for the jumper

yes I did

you did okay and remember what I said pet

yeah don't open the door to anyone right okay

I am leaving you 20 Euro for pizza

oh great

there are conditions I want you to Hoover the whole stairs

and land it you have to clear out the garage the shed

clean out the other varnish the doors

sand down the garden furniture

fine I don't want it you can keep it

what

there are 15 cans of lager in that cabinet

and I have counted though

aren't you supposed to be gone

wait look I'm going I'm going right Oisín

I'm taking the internet

what why

now it's not up for discussion

what am I gonna do

well you can read a book

remember the black bin goes out on the Monday

yeah

and the Greenville on the Fridays

yes

make sure they take the brown bin with the green bin

right

because last time they didn't take their mint to take that I don't want that brown bit yes all right thank you okay okay okay rush I'm okay yes

remember to water the plants

yeah I know yeah

give them plenty of water

yeah well I will

but don't overwater them

what

for emergencies I'm leaving you my credit card

just an emergency

okay

it's what I can't hear you

I'm not shouting out my PIN number

it's just been everyone here

you don't have to chase this two of us

just tell me normally

I just spare key hidden in the garden place

where

between the acacia and the agapanthus

I don't know what those plans are

but when one has variegated leaves

oh that's Geraldine there right okay nice okay good boy

yeah goodbye

look after yourself now

okay and and and remember if I said now

okay don't answer the door to oh okay

okay good luck right

okay goodbye oh and and don't forget

yes okay goodbye

and no part no

goodbye mum

just go Jesus Christ

I forgot my keys

hello there Oisín um I forgot my keys there now

I'm not supposed to answer the door to anyone

When Your Parents Make You Do Gardening

I need your help in the garden

oh no you promised Oisín

right a small help yeah

they were the conditions

I'm going to the Disco

fine look we'll be done in five minutes

we'll be done in 20 minutes 14 hours

what let's start with the Hedge grab the garden shears

we're not just use the electric one

God no

oh yeah of course now

that would just make the job go quickly

far too dangerous far too dangerous

I'm not spending the next 24 hours in a e

yeah it would be more fun than gardening

I will give you five euro an hour

five euro

well I had to spend 400 Euro in all the garden center stuff

that's supposed to make me feel better is it

knowing that you spend more on the garden

than you do on me

I spend enough on you mister

right yeah can we listen to a podcast

no

can we listen to music

no

can we listen to the radio

no

you can listen to the birds Oisín Nature's music

how's going on everyone

if you're here to save him Barry

you can wait another two hours

Oisín could you give me the whole pet

what does it say the whole of

sorry the I need a hoe

you need you need a hoe

yes

you need a hoe

yes I need a hoe

well I go get you a hoe

yes could you get me a hoe please

oh that's anaconda's cash that's what that is

oh where'd you pick it up

they're nice first they're weeds

well I think there's the welfares

they're weeds pull them up

why do they look nice

they may look nice the bees might like them

but they're weeds pull them up

a moment's filthy inside

there's nothing wrong with that glove it's brand new

what is the point of a glove that's dirty on the inside

whether two of you now are a great help

there's a b well now

they are more afraid of you than they have a bastard get away no do

you see them there they are the delphiniums right

and beside them is the azaleas

and here we have I think it's the Montana titilatus

what

Montana titilatus

maybe we could take a break

and have some ice creams

oh yeah

you haven't done anything

baby Magnums you know they're limited

no we don't have any magnets need the frozen peas

I'll get them right that's it now

does it look great

yeah

no you should be very proud of yourself

you did terrific work

yeah it wasn't as bad as I thought

yeah and it'll be great now for

when the gardeners come in tomorrow

what

we've given them a great head start here

why don't you just get the gardeners to do all this

except 25 Euro an hour and the whole day

When Your Parents Won't Let You Decorate The Tree

rotate rotate stop that side's a bit patchy your

mom it's all the same

no I preferred it the other way

rotate rotate

I don't know why your father insists on

getting a monstrosity of a tree every year

it's far too big where does he think it's going

a shopping center

the car is destroyed pine needles everywhere

AC Euro that fella in the tree place is a crook

is this the right box

but he saw your father coming anyway

mom is this the Box

none shed my eye

mom

Joe I'd say he's declaring only half that money

Mom

I have a right mind to go back down to him

Mom

there is no need that's the round boxes right

now I leave you to decorate it off

okay okay great yeah

I'm getting on with the pudding here

now okay I'd start with the lights

oh yeah yeah okay okay yeah

from the bottom now not the top

okay

not the multicolored ones yeah

do you want to do this

no Oisín I don't want the flashing

Mom

it's like a disco I thought you were leaving it to me

right I'm gone I'm Gone

the good decorations I need to go in the front

so the people can see them from the road

so put them put that one there there now

and that that jangly one there

put that to the front there

I don't have time to use the plum pudding here

don't group the large Barbers

red then goes then red then

be careful with my porcelain Santa

you put two Barbers right beside each other

that one is very expensive

and then you have it hidden down below

here don't Clump the acorns in like that

that glass angel cost me seven pounds in 1995

wow I'm far too busy to be doing this

now well then go

I got this one when we were holidaying in Prague

which has been a very exciting holiday

Mom it's finished

yes nice job but we've done that all by yourself now have I

guess I should I would be very proud of that

now it is absolutely perfect I wouldn't change a thing

I would not change it I put those baubles up a bit maybe

and I bring the lights down

and I move that angel over here to the center

somewhere the ribbons don't go with the candy canes

and I completely change these words

hey Barry

I won't even ask you how you got in

you put another Christmas tree

yes save yourself

it's a bit big

wonderfully observed thank you

mine's already up

is it

yeah

well done Pat

so since last year

needs more Brandy

this is Flanagan pudding

delicious

get out of that kitchen

show me what you've touched up

Outro

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