Každá irská matka v historii | Foil Arms a Hog

Right

I'm back from the parent-teacher meeting

Get down here pronto

Your mother after a parent-teacher meeting

Three hours I was at the place,

the hall was freezing

and not a cup of tea in sight.

They need to limit it

to three minutes maximum per day.

Some of the other parents are talking

the ears off the teachers.

So what do the teachers

actually say about me?

Your math teacher said

that you're doing okay.

That's good

Okay, Oisín, you should be top of that class

Mum, just I'm not that good at maths

You're just not applying yourself

I spoke to Mr O'Donovan and

he says you're doing the bare minimum to get by

I got a B at Christmas

Well b or not, he's got you figured out, Mister

You are coasting in there

You have so much potential, brains to burn

You need to knuckle down laziness

Coasting, coasting, coasting

My Oisín could work for NASA

I don't want you sitting beside Barry anymore

We're sitting there I can see you there now,

tricking away

Now I spoke to Mrs Flynn,

your business teacher,

and she said you're working hard

and you should be fine in the exams

To be honest I don't think,

she knew who you were

Mum!

okay you just don't believe any of the nice stuff

and all the mean stuff

Mrs Gotham says you need to apply yourself more

she has it in for me

she does have it in for me

she has kicked me out of the class three times last week

what did Mr Gary say

I don't rate him as a teacher

yeah Mom what's he saying

he's not up to the task

what did he say

he's too laid back

mum

I mean he's trying to be friends with all the students

what did he say

he said you're doing well

Mr Doyle the vice principal now

there is a man with a head for discipline

he's a maniac

what did my art teacher say

oh I didn't go to her

what why not

the queue was a mile long, she just talks and talks

that's my best subject

I saw that new English teacher of yours, Mrs O'Neill

most of the fathers are very keen to speak to her

although I didn't think she was dressed appropriately at all

her guidance cancer says

that based on your marks from her assessment

that you should consider doing something with your hands

like carpentry or weaving

what

I actually got the smell of alcohol of her

Mr Rooney wanted to know

if you'd like to join the chess club so I said you would

what

if you'd like to join the debating Club

no

if you'd like to join the choir

I said you would

have more interested in Taekwondo

and I said no

oh

I spoke to your music and Drama teacher

what

and it had to be said

oh no no

you should have been playing the role of Oliver in the school play

you have a beautiful voice

that Jeffrey fella doesn't have a note in his head

and he's completely flat-footed

Cooking With Your Parents

help me in the kitchen, I am up to my eyes

oh do I have to

yes you do have to

use exact measurement, Oisín,

follow the recipe to the letter

well how much should we add

a handful of them what a heaped teaspoon

a dog a scoop a pinch a ow a dash

they're not measurements

what are you cooking

fish

I hate fish

you'll eat it

putting pizza in the oven is not cooking

pot noodle is not cooking

Dairy dunkers is not cooking

cornflakes from the packet is not cooking

now clean as you go

Mom I'm hungry

if you're hungry, have something small

there's no nourishment in that at all

to sustain you if you're hungry have an apple

don't eat straight from the shopping bags

Jesus Christ let's sit in the cupboard for a minute

don't eat the ham straight from the package

don't eat straight from the fridge, put it on a plate

those penguins are for Christmas

it's July

put them back in the freezer

clean as you go

chicken can be lethal, you need to cook it until it's black

all knives are sharp

perfect with this side of the knife washing

clean as you go

a watched pot never boils

it's boiled is it

don't scratch my non-stick pan

would you like to do the Sterling, Oisín

yeah

I'm not five mom

would you like to lick the spoon

yeah I ain't going to leave yet to do that yourself

okay yeah goodbye

no you're you're doing it too slow watch you know

no no no don't just do it yourself

your father's cooking dinner tomorrow night

where are you going with the microwave

the boots of the car the only way I can get them to cook a decent meat

Going To Dinner With Your Parents

would you like to try some of my wine

oh yeah

yeah no just a sip

okay there you go that's too much

well I didn't I hadn't even tried it yet

[Music]

duck is very fatty chicken can be very tasteless

Falafel can be very dry

I can cook a lasagna myself

I might have a look and see what other people have ordered

but no Mom don't

I'm just looking at what you've ordered there

yes the carbonara is it okay that looks lovely

yes that is very heavy for me now

I wouldn't I wouldn't want that

that is a beautiful soul seller

beautiful candle holder glassware sterling silver

I'll bet yeah very hard to clean them

I bet they can't put it in the dishwasher at

Water please

okay is there a Steelers party

tap yeah it tastes the same

can I please get the Bolognese

there's a lot of onion in that isn't it

that would run right through it

how's school

uh yeah it's it's good uh actually

uh Mr O'Neill yeah yeah

Mr O'Neill was saying yesterday that

the shoulders

yeah so uh Mr Neil was saying that the clap

so what was Mr O'me saying there nothing

God you have the word to throw to a dog

God I think that's correct that's definitely Court

it was a screw top model

is yours hot enough there

yeah

mine's stone cold, I might have mine reheated

just steam coming off

yeah okay

excuse me what no I could have these reheated

food this is lovely now

it just needs a touch of salt

oh shoot slow down pat

enjoy it's not a race manners Oisín

chew your food don't woof

masticate

well now that was a bit disappointing

I would say for the price of it

yeah

I think I'll have to say something

no mum

just saying something new

there's your check

everything okay

yep great lovely thank you very much

no problem

now I have a voucher here

Holidays With Your Parents

the food is way far too soft

I want all alarms set for 6 a.m six

Oisín, we need to be at the airport at least two hours before the flight

at least three hours for five hours

16 hours before the flight

I'm not leaving anything to chance

I want to be there and I want to be settled

are we getting a taxi

taxi yeah Bushy

when that's millionaires don't go around telling people around holidays

why not we might get burgled

now unplug the TV disconnect the internet

defrost the freezer cut the grass water the plants

take in the garden furniture turn on the radio

pull the blinds leave a light on upstairs

why so people think somebody's home

someone who never leaves a one room

we need to empty the fridge before we go,

but don't let anything go to waste

right each of the bit of bread that's left there

we didn't finish those yogurts eat up Oisín

finish the gherk gherkins

don't touch those crisps they're for guests

leave a note for the Milkman

last time we came back to 16 liters

and still sitting out in the sun

right the cheese it was

mum, can we visit the football stadium

I don't we have a lot to get through, Oisín,

there are 17 churches on that street alone

and they all have Fresco

no no why can't I just stay home I'm old enough

not after what your brother did two years ago

the floors were destroyed

the begonias never recovered

all the toilets were blocked

I found spaghetti in the porch

I found your father's shoes halfway down the road

I'm not Daniel okay

they found family photos in the neighbor's Back Garden

I'm only remembering this now

is that everything

yeah

right God the stress I'm not right God the stress I'm not

yeah oh neither am I

Isolating With Your Parents

Mom why are you calling me from upstairs

I have I have I have

what the Rona

I have it what you call it

I came out of the shower and I coughed

so do not come near me

now I'm going to be self-isolating in my room

oh okay

now you're gonna have to run the house

until I'm in the clear pet

okay

are you able to do that

yeah

now are you capable of that

well yes Mom

are you sure now

Mom I think I can manage

well it's it's not an easy thing to do now

it's a difficult thing to run a household

okay I think I'll manage right

right okay God the house will come down around us

now you'll have to Hoover the downstairs

dust will build up if you don't stay on top of it

all right final dude where is it

what

the Hoover where is it

sliced he doesn't even know where the Hoover is

just tell me where it is

it's under the stairs

that's all you have to say

now you need to get right in under the bowl there right here

yeah I know Mom

get the cloth right in there

what

are you scrubbing it properly then

you're not showing me show me the

show me the bowl there

if you still see dirt there

I'm hanging up

which part do I put the powder in

in the drawer

yeah which part

are you doing a pre-wash

I don't know

the left is for fabric softener

okay do I put that in

that's only for towels Oisín

okay

the rice is for a pre-wash

and the middle bit is for detergent

where do I put the washing powder

I don't use powder we use capsules

to put them directly in the drum

right fine when you say that in the first place

you just put it straight in the middle

stop it, Oisín, now that's a dishwasher tablet

so you dust on top of the picture frames

yes

show me

there

now show me the top of the picture frame there now

all right fine

now they're Infinity

I thought so

filled up absolutely filthy there

now did you clean the windows

yeah but I can't get rid of the streaks

what did you use

I used the window cleaner but

oh no this video ah

Something's Happened to close

what do you mean

they're smaller now

Jesus that's my good cards again

what temperature did you put them on

on as for 80 degrees

80 degrees how did you get it to go that high in the first place

now that you've polished the Lampshades I need

Mother of God can I not get a minute's piece

I haven't sat down all day

I am up to hideo because you'd want the patience of a saint

now have you coughed since this morning

no I haven't

do you have a temperature

no

a tightness of the chest difficulty breathing

no

any loss of smell or taste

no

are you feeling tired loss of energy

no

well then there is nothing wrong with your young lady

so get out of that bed and get down here this instant

oh you are so annoying

Learning To Drive With Your Parents

okay he's he's he's

easy I'm not rushing

you're rushing now

there's no need to rush mom

expect the unexpected

handbrake again

sorry

that was nice you can't put your arms across me

there is no need to shout

no no no

here's a learner try for now here's a learner driver now

watch out for the learner driver

he's like yourself and he's panicking

he's panicky he's very panicky

keeps under the speed limit

mum I'm I'm going 15.

are you 15.

when you're going into a roundabouting

you have to be very very careful now

now, Oisín, what are you doing

oh God those cars all over the place now

watch off left left left right

left right left right and left oh

God almighty we're still alive

you don't need fifth gear

that's for race car drivers

I'm just third gear is all you need

one two and three keep it simple

it will try the three-point turn here

okay

you need to bring the car to a stop

touching it you're airing the ass out of the car oh

[ __ ] oh God this is a dodgy area

no do the central locking

camera Watch the daffodence watch the Duffy

you're going into the daffodils there

now this game arrangement such a friend

such a friend from school

no Mom I'm not stopping

he's learning, how to drive

don't mind him now

Parents On The First Day Back To School

just you're doing your own thing okay School easy

you should have had everything ready to go last night

not helping

fix that taco

mom it's too big for me

it'll fit you next year

you cannot wear them

what are their shoes

well they look like Runners to me

geez it's the wish of that bag the price of that booklet

the price of that uniform the price of that class trip

voluntary contribution my eye

what are you looking for

a pen

he doesn't even have a pen

who do you have for history this year

Mr Flanagan

oh Jesus

who bought these

that nothing but sugar

and I'm making a porridge

what no please

here check that no more

can I send money for lunch

I'll make you sandwiches

there's nothing wrong with Jam

sandwiches with lettuce and cheese

sandwiches gherkins and Branston sauce

don't sit beside Barry this year

why

why you know why

I said besides James Weiss didn't he get all Ace

but he's a knob

he he's boring

that's not what you said now

that coat isn't warm enough put that on

what I'm not wearing that

oh she no I'll drop you

down well no psycho

are you embarrassed of your mother

yeah obviously

put that coat back on and the helmet

Parents When You Get Dumped

right what has you in such foul humor

nothing you are moping about the place

with a face on you like I don't know what

you're fine

right off of that there now

and you had to tell me what's wrong

there's nothing wrong okay

Oisín Robert Flanagan

a mother always knows when something's wrong

yeah I got dumped

what

I got dumped

what you mean

by my girlfriend

a girlfriend you never told me you had a girlfriend

yeah well I don't have one anymore do I

well that's probably for the best given it's an exam year pet

it's her loss girls like that

you are a diamond

there are plenty more trout in the Shannon

you're a catch, Oisín, any girl would be lucky to have you

I've always thought you look like a young Prince William

mum, you're making a worse just leave me alone

there you probably weren't in love with her

okay

the only way to get over sadness is distraction

so busy busy busy busy busy busy

mum

you should come down to the garden center with me

and I will get you to pick out a plant for yourself

oh wow that sounds terrific

but that's all these kids cheers

you don't understand she was perfect

well I knew a girl from college, bridamine

her beautiful beautiful girl I tell you

she had the boys like that

but last I heard twice divorced a son that won't talk to her

and on top of that she looks dreadful now

what if I never find anyone who's good again

mark my words, Oisín, in a few years time

they would be knocking down my door

queuing up outside beating them off with sticks

have your pick of the bunch

there are plenty of young ladies out there still

yeah like who

well Mrs O'Toole's daughter always had a soft spot for you

she's my cousin

third cousin

we're a small island nation

right now, Oisín, there's no perfect time to talk about this

but if you're going to be having girlfriends

we need to be talking about being careful

what

you need to be careful

oh no no no no no

we're not talking about

we're not talking about

sit down there young man

sit back down there

Parents When You Have Your Friends Over

can Barry come over

as long as he takes his shoes off

last time you drag dog dirt all over the house

yeah okay

and clean up this place it's an absolute State

it's like a bomb hitter the place is a tip i

t's like a pigsty cowshed Chicken Coop

have we been burgled

I'm sure Barry's house is clean

we were living in our own filth here

how's the mother grad right

and the father Grand

is he thinking a cut on the Hedge this weekend with us

don't know

well it's just eyes on my side there

now so boom

right I'm gone I'm gone

God the smell of fish in here

bye love put your shoes back up

oh Shane's getting late now so

you know I think Barry's parents will be wondering

where he is it's getting quite late there

now oh Barry you're still here

we'll have to start charging your rent now Barry

okay Barry we'll be having our dinner soon so uh

okay I'll stay in here

would you like to join us for dinner Barry

suppose so

right should I chicken Barry

no

do you like peas Barry

no

do you like potatoes Barry

no

do you like cabbage Berry

no

do you like fish fingers Barry

no

do you like carbohydrates Barry

no

what do you like Barry

nuggets

right I'll check the Deep Freeze

will you see if there's any Magnums in there

rush I'm going to bed now all right

all right good night

good night Barry good night

better get out of my house

for Christ's sake uh, Oisín, it's five past eight oh

Parents When You're Sick

Mom I think I'm sick

you're going to school

right let's have a look at you here

Jesus

I know

you're not going to school are you mad

right I'll get the fix now

rub this on your chest your back your cheeks

your ears and the soles of your feet

now the steam is good for you

it's burning my face

just another 25 more minutes pet

what are you doing to the 7-0

it's useless unless it's flat

Jesus

just one more Spoonful

no mum please it's disgusting

cod liver oil is a cureall

cider vinegar is a cure gargling

salted water is a cure-all

cinnamon tumeric garlic ginger onion is

a cure puke

it's your stomach

actually you're at me

Oisín, are you warm enough

yes

I'll get another hot water

no I already have three

do you know what you're missing in school

no

because we don't want you falling behind

love will you try some chicken soup

no thanks

I've made your favorite Bolognese

no mum

well you have to eat something love

could ever wear his ice cream

right yeah yeah where's ice ice cream

okay if you're too sick for school

you're too sick for computer games

to watch television to be on the phone

to listen to headphones

you're never too sick to read a book

oh Oisín you needn't be worried about school

because I had your cousin go in there

and get the homework for you

so that's all sorted out

mum

are there any more Mars ice creams

yes yes

will you make it to the toilet in time love

I leave the Basin just here okay

yeah

are you going to be sick

are you going to be sick now

because if you are going to be sick

there's a base in there now okay

all right so I'll leave it here now

it's to your right

f*ck off

Doomdah

please it's disgusting

cod liver oil

wow

it's like pure fish I hate fish

Playing Computer Games With Your Parents

ing it's a beautiful day outside

what are you doing cooped up in here

get on fire you are wasting the day

the day is gone you are like a vampire in here

Jesus are you afraid someone might see you

are you under witness protection or something

turn off that game station and go outside

yeah I'm in the middle of a match

you could play your football out in the fresh air

it's not football it's MMA

Museum of Modern Art to stay there

I need someone to help me

with hedge clippings in the garden

five minutes okay

you said five minutes an hour ago

no it's just about to type

I will tap you out

God Almighty I'm exhausted

I am five hours six hours 12 18 72 hours in that Garden

got as well for some reason

I sit in their backside playing computer

yeah well no one's stopping you playing

ah ABS you're allergic to have fun

which way you hold it now

which one am I

Conor McGregor

is that Conor McGregor

yes just press Start

I'd find it hard to get a job with them now

just please start

how do I shoot there's no guns

I thought it's like running around with a gun

earlier it was a different game

what did I do there it didn't do anything

that's me

am I the one on the right here

no that's me

how do I get out of this Carson cage

am I right that one there

that's the referee

where am I can't see anything

gotcha oh gotcha again oh geez I kicked [ __ ]

did I kick it you see

all right Jesus I punched your phone fast

oh I've been knocked out

that was my character God

should I win yeah

Jesus

the size of that belt

how are you supposed to keep a pair of trousers up

with that thing right how was it around

Shopping With Your Parents

the waist it won't stop it

shut up people are looking like

no one is looking

this one's pretty cool

there is no heat in there the wind will go right through

it's like a plastic bag you'll freeze

you'll catch your day he'll catch pneumonia it's wafer thin

I tell you you won't look cool you look cold

that was not funny I look ridiculous

I'm gonna get bullied

anyone who bullies it over a coat, Oisín, is not your friend

oh I look like a giant snot

you do not it brings out your eyes

what about this one, mum?

is it on sale no then put it back

this one's really warm

does it have a hood no put it back

oh this one's warm Anda has a hood

is it machine washable

no oh oh Shane how are you getting on in there

I'm fine

does it fit you all right

just go away

look come out and show me

I'm not coming out

all right will you come out and show your mother

no Mom wait

so I'm coming in

did you not come in here

oh sorry no there's nobody in

here I I thought you were my son

what's going on

when I ask you to come out you come out

a leather jacket, Oisín, you're not James Dean

Clark Gabe Steve McQueen Marlon Brandon Humphrey Bogart John Wayne Lionel Richie

boom this is the one Barry has it's really cool

Barry has a cool Crush because Barry's dad lives in Portugal

don't repeat that

it's polyester put us back 100

well it's itchy

the itcher it is the higher the quality

the moment you look like a tent

oh there's a tear great we might get a discount

right let's have a look at you no don't you look great

no I'm after spending 135 Euro on your, OIsín

you could give me a smile

uh giant snow

oh isn't that your friend Barry

will he come here to me for a second pet

Staycation With Your Parents

yeah great news

we're going on holidays

Spain we can go

no not Spain, Oisín, there's a pandemic

we're going on a staycation

in Ireland

yes Ireland, Oisín

now Maureen has given us the lender

of a holiday home in Don Bowie

oh no

I don't really have there's not much internet up there

so bring plenty of books

oh no no

please it's gonna be boring

it's been nice

there's nothing to do

there is plenty to do for someone with a bit of imagination

like what

like walks beautiful scenery old churches and walks

clearly said walks

you can't even drink the water in dunbu we can't

ah don't be ridiculous

the water is fine you just need to

run the tap for 20 to 15 minutes before

house is freezing the heating doesn't work

there is plenty of turf for that fire plenty of turf

and the septic tank should be fixed by the time we get there I'm told

oh no more

now there is a key under the mat because many break-ins there

it wouldn't be anything happening in don't Bowie at all

pack your togs why because of the beach there's no beaches sharp rocks that

gradually gets smaller towards the shore rip the foot off yeah I know the water is freezing I'm not getting in look at

it's either stay here and Lounge about the house or come with me stay here I

have spent many is a nice summer in Dumb Bowie as a little girl right and I loved

it you also used to think Mansion oranges were a treat mom times change okay this might be the last holiday we

spend as a family now

tell Pat 's Erie down the road in Glendale Mick and we only Spanish when the wind is

blowing West so pack your bags and stop complaining Hey Hey Barry Barry hey it's finally in the parking

yes we are packing for our holidays tomorrow where you go we're going to do don't bore and don't porn don't Bowie

don't Bowie yes oh yeah gray colorful yeah monkey very cool no it's a family

holiday oh what time are we leaving

Barry's mother has something else planned for them no

but the house has to be cleaned from top to bottom for the last two days of the

holidays yeah yeah no problem we'll leave it the same condition as we found it exactly a dump quick oh [ __ ]

Studying With Your Parents

mom can you do my French questions with me the oral is tomorrow tomorrow right let me get my glasses there so just read

the question yeah just just read the questions what

je m'appelle ocean Flanagan right [Music] there what we live in Dublin

we are on the border see Dublin

football is you haven't practiced in months sitting

up there in the computer all the time who cares just the eye care I choose the money I paid for those lessons

what sister you don't have a sister it's for the vocabulary move it's not good to tell lies ocean you can get cut out

jumanj Doritos is your more coke say that don't think it does feed you save green beans and broccoli don't open

the dictionary no it's there's no time I don't it doesn't matter what you're saying and Doritos my mayor a professor

a montpair a engineer he's actually an engineer now he's more of a diagnostic

consultant for ventilation systems I don't know those words okay and the exam is tomorrow why do you have to leave

everything to the last minute the amount of money I spent sending you to France you've done dama you've done sweet

diddly squash bugger all less than nothing my grand pair a Quattro vant we dance your grandfather is dead or she I

know he's dead I have to show that I know numbers though Jesus

if I could do the exam for yoshin it's your future it sounds like you don't even know what you're saying you've just

learned off a set of phrases and you're regurgitating well I'm not actually trying to learn French I'm just trying to pass the exam

Teaching Computers To Parents

oh god I've broken it Goshen what have I done now nothing it's

fine I have had it with this cursive machine let's sit down there now and show me how to use this what I have to

do my homework I can only take a second what should you do there now I didn't do anything well you did you did something

there there well I just moved the mouse across the screen there it is again it's the mouse double click double click okay

[Music] you have to do it faster faster yeah

okay let's let me do it let's take this

I want you to show me how to do it I don't want you to do it for me you just type in your email address right okay

nasty oh yeah n ope oh look I've got some email from a prince ragaba from Nigeria oh well I

don't think that's actually a prince oh you're jealous huh no I'm he's just trying to rob you he's a prince he's

stuck in an airport and he needs help now where's my credit card details

it keeps offering me cookies I got an email from the bank of Europe asking me to reconfirm my credit card details

I am an hour trying to get this bloody printer to work and it just refuses to

do anything alternative now oh God what's this now it's just the terms and conditions the application may ask for your

permission to access you don't have to read a moment it's just Gmail it says please read the terms and conditions

before yeah but nobody 14 pages long you don't nobody boom oh

I've clicked out of it what's this now history oh that could be interesting might be

something on the Renaissance oh no you can't don't don't open up you can open the history folder it could it could

break the computer [Music] I thought you said you couldn't break [Music]

oh Jesus Christ so she what what's the stuff now doomed up

Watching TV When Your Parents Walk In

oh God turn this off now turn this off they use

the remote pornography it's not it's a TV show where they could have fooled me I'm home if that's that show that the

average people normal people I'm I've heard all about it on the radio to pray no it's not you always just come in at

the worst part well I've heard the worst part goes on for four minutes and 42 seconds what Mary White timed it I'm

always not about that I don't care what it's about anything that has to rely on that sort of Filth has nothing to offer

like I've never even seen it I bet Barry's mother doesn't let him watch I think she does actually I very much

doubt that if she does you're not watching it and that is fine fine would you not get yourself a nice book

apparently there's a great novel by an Irish author it is Sally Rooney uh no

thanks it's supposed to be brilliant oh hello Barry what have I told you

about letting yourself in sorry the door was unlocked so does your mother know you watch the show yeah everybody's

watching it you see everyone we are not watching us here in 23 crime for crevices fine okay come on Paris okay

where are you going I didn't come down the last shower now you're going to watch it on your phone you know what

else I can watch my phone if I wanted to actual pornography

okay

oh God and Mikey it's still on Jesus Christ and why anyone wants to watch this smush is beyond me

is he wearing a necklace Connor for God's sake that is no way to treat you one that boy's mother has her head

screwed on oh we do not just stay together God you're perfect for each other where's the dinner oh sorry hey you're watching us no I was looking for

the Antiques Road you're on the last episode oh God I hope there's a second season what I'm an emotional

are you wearing a necklace it's a chain what you doing I'm watching a movie move

Watching TV With Your Parents

over there good luck it's my spot oh I haven't sat down all day

I was trying to watch a movie is it suitable is it suitable yeah it's suitable and

Oscar right God it's very violent you've got that shocking nudity oh she turned that off

what more makes a shampoo add what oh why do we have so many remote controls

yeah this is for the television yeah this for the DVD player that's the satellite and that's the house phone

there's no need to be smart you know I did repack them here now absolutely the flourishing flourishing behind the carpet cleaners in here the other week

now they did a fierce good job absolute excellence

[Music] is this the one now yeah yeah it's too loud no more that's a channel you change your

channel the other one go back all right go back no go oh oh go oh what's this

antique no no she's a beautiful race you run out there and make a scope of tea like a good lad that's too strong

did you put any milk did you spell the pot that's too sweet put it in a proper Cup who's that Antonio Banderas

I thought you said this was meant to be good oscari backside oh Jesus it's almost nine turn over to the news there

what no more please will you go on to the news my living room my rules my

house my rules my TV my rules shooting and Killing Jesus would you have a song

or something oh God there's the rain there's the Rain Jesus give me a hand with clothes get

out here Christmas is upon us so I want all hands

When Parents Cook Christmas Dinner

on deck you're fine there was too much for me to do last year so this year I am keeping it simple

right I am just doing the turkey and ham the roast potatoes carrots cauliflower

cheese parsnips Beef Wellington mashed potato potato cracker flat potatoes potato potato cheesy potato chips Auntie

Rose is vegan now oh that woman has to be difficult oh and the O'Connor cousins only eat like spaghetti and pizza they

will eat what is pot in front of them it won't fish it won't fit in the oven the turkey it's a monstrosity of thing

it's like an ostrich why did you get such a big one there was so much left over last year well I don't want to get

cut out well we were eating turkey leftovers in June turkey curry turkey soup turkey meatballs yes the turkey

roulette we still have some left good man I need more room in the fridge will you finish off those eggs drink the rest

of that milk polish off those gherkins finish off that mayonnaise this dinner will be the death of me why'd you go to

so much effort if you find it so stressful well maybe you'd prefer some slices of toast and Nutella yeah a wood

your wood my eye apparently you can cook the ham in Coca-Cola God that sounds disgusting no I'm doing

mine Insider I need to get the Christmas cake done boom nobody ever eats the Christmas cake that is not the point it

has to be done anyway I want you to extend the mahogany table oh well we actually get to eat in the dining room

do we I know it is a beautiful table I want to show it off now covers look at that plastic tablecloth there what I

don't want it getting wrecked or she will use the fancy noise in Forks yes but don't put them in the dishwasher

well at least something has sunk in or shouldn't we need 18 bags of sultanas how many puddings are we making eight or

nine hey why do we need so many puddings I like to keep a few around for emergencies

break glass for pudding Brandy ocean will you get the Brandy out for me there

ocean the Brandy thank you thank you specialize Jesus stop watching

did we use that much last year come on can Barry come for Christmas dinner with us or she Christmas is a

family time oh no more please please well I'm sure Barry wants to spend Christmas with his own family now would

you like to come with us on a walk on Christmas Day Barry you can go on the walk and we'll stay here and mind the

house God almighty this dinner will be the death of me well I know it's a lot of

work move but neither it's all done you could just sit back you know and enjoy Christmas I haven't enjoyed Christmas since 1972 Washington now get the Brandy

well we don't need many more puddings it's not for the puddings right ashin we're visiting breed of

When Parents Drag You Places

Meine can I just stay at home not on your own why do I have to come she's your friend or mine you're to be

sociable what's the only thing you guys talking about is people who are dead we do know shouldn't I hear Mina Walsh died

oh she did she did do you know who else died Phelan Corcoran he didn't but he

wasn't wearing Sheila McKenna she's not you know what a sergeant Lincoln shouldn't look well oh just a matter of

time yeah yeah yeah he didn't she did did you hear no oh well you're stuck go

away sure this is it would you like a cup of tea or Sheen uh no thanks you have like a fizzy drink yes

yeah actually I think I have some tonic water in the fridge oh Shane you must be very popular with the ladies I'd say of

your pick of the bunch oh no there's to be no girlfriends until after the exams until he's 21 36 52. oh she's very good

at maths oceans very music big into the drama Ocean's very good at the French is he now say it is a French first Arrow

Shin come on to to Pal there uh [Music]

oh brilliant I've got some prawns steaming in the kitchen grief I hate prawns you'll eat that I'm allergic and

I'm eating oh boy it's polite all that meal is delicious we have to have you

again some time on now absolutely right here we go oh [ __ ] okay safe home now I

cannot stand that woman uh she's not that bad mom how much money did she give you

When Parents Give You A Lift

where's Barry he's coming it's 25 past eight ocean we said a quarter past yeah

okay he said he'd be here it's been late every day this week he's not getting a lift to school next week I can tell you that all right fine I don't care and his

mother is none too quick to return the offer Mighty what's that smell is that a clean shirt yes

right Hey Barry nice but you almost took the door off

the hinges okay now does everyone have the seat belt on you've moved one off five okay

[Music]

leave it and then polish Barry Mom can I go out on Friday night don't

talk to me when I'm driving or Sheen I get distracted oh are the McDonald's getting the job done on the house they need to cut that

grass that skirt is a far too short they've painted that house in awful those daffodils are still going God

that's a dreadful gaze they've put in I forgot my lunch again yeah those salad sandwiches will go to waste can I get a

10 for the canteen you can have a fiver a Fiverr is not enough it's enough when it's spent on proper food not on spicy

wedges or Mr Slurpees what this man cannot drive a car no education I'm not

letting him in I'm not letting him in now I'm not letting you in have none is a word to throw to a dog both of them

there their heads glued in the phones [Music] let's go over the verb etra again not

warm just sweet to a the cheek of him she's blocking the entire Lane I can't

go forward there's a yellow box is that man waving at me at the back form he's giving you the finger

well I feel very sorry for that man's wife change the radio station I'm listening to the news mommy listen to

the news at breakfast it's the same news it doesn't change I'll put on my CD

[Music] here we go I can put on the news here no

I'll drop you to the door no no move here's fine [ __ ] you to the door

no no put your seatbelt back down well don't slam the door Jesus Christ the

When Parents Have Visitors

visitors will be here in eight hours I need all hands on deck ocean will you go into the control room there and give it your sister's junk where's herself she

should have to get rid of it I don't have time to argue with you okay I am up to my eyes I am flattered I'm fit to

collapse I am up to high dough so just go and do it oh

I've just cleaned the toilet so nobody go in there well the visitors aren't coming for like six hours where are we

ready to go if you need to go go next door to the caverns I'm not going to the cabinets to take a dump or she need to

pump the cushions yes or she needs your dust behind the TV yes you need to weed the garden yes watching to Jehovah under

the couch nobody's gonna look under the couch mum why are we cleaning so much because I don't want to think that we

live like animals this is how we live God on my chance did you clean your room No One's Gonna

Be in my room mum but they'll close the door Jesus Christ they went in there they could get wheels disease don't eat

them they're for guests or shouldn't go in there and fill up the mountain Brown will you good ladder knock those glasses

the good glasses not that Cutlery the good Cuttery not those plates they're too good oh I'm after forgetting the

effing cream but she really come in here yeah

boss what what what you want you call me in I'm busy

here now Jesus Christ you can't be annoying me now just call me oh God my mind is that damn Jesus they're early go

in there and talk to them I don't know look I need to get ready all right I'll be down in an hour don't worry about it

oh [ __ ] take the chicken out of the other medium yeah it's in there too long did it take it off about 10.

[Music]

get in there and see if we need more wine Mary wants to know if we have any tonic water

cannot stand that one bye-bye never again

When Parents Ruin Your Summer

okay it's games off now no games

I have more so weak and you haven't left that seat you are to be up out of the

house and I want your occupied [Music] I will not hover a piece of last summer

where you moped about the house doing sweet fa I have brochures worse the tennis club are doing a three-week camp

in July no there's speech and drama in the community center orienteering in the Pine Forest a science camp arts and

crafts Pottery tree shaping astronomy bug snorkeling nude still life Rock how did that get in there now that's the

least two weeks left to fill in Moon Barry said that there's a really good thing intense like a mixed martial arts course oh no move I haven't told you but

what about French College Lord knows you need the help yeah I'm meant to be on my holidays that's basically School you

could volunteer in the local community there is a great sense of satisfactions

how about I use this time to teach you how to play chess how to sew flower arranging cross stitching use the

washing machine teach how to drive never again we could do a virtual online class

together no I'm on my holidays I don't want to learn anything The Devil Makes work for Idle Hands stop referring to

yourself in the third person mom well you could come help me in the garden what would I get if I did it gardening

is its own reward for every four hours you do gardening you can have five minutes on the game what's a terrible deal you will need

something to use up your free time well me and Barry were thinking about joining a band oh lovely and the father he used

to play the bassoon in the rathfarnum concert no more a real band Lego guitars and drums not under my roof or you and

Barry could go on bicycles along the canal and then maybe stop for a picnic I'm not trying to woo Barry in the 19th

century mall right ocean I have tried everything so we're going to learn a tick tock dance together well no no no

no I'll do I'll do the gardening I'll do the gardening

outside in the fresh air yeah what are you doing exactly oh Sheen

When Your Parents Get A New Phone

what I need your help I got a new iPhone that's an Android what it's an Android it's not an iPhone

I don't care what it is I can't get the thing working just turn it on I haven't finished

reading the manual yet I haven't filled out the warranty yet this phone is to last me five years 10 years 15 75 years

play your cards right I'll leave it for you in my will I just want the phone calls and the text messages okay so just

the basics okay just WhatsApp to him no Jesus no I don't want any of that waste time of those applications but WhatsApp

is text messages

okay so what was your password on your last phone yes right yes I I've written it down

somewhere here now yes um yes like it's gonna be again

um password one one no no trying

clean as you go odd caps no try my name no nothing I try my my maiden name there

my maiden name uh yeah um uh washing my maiden name

I just need to put in your Google password oh yeah I don't know what it is now put in your banking password

Facebook passwords oh I can't remember Microsoft passwords

no ocean I can't it's gone after me it's I've broken it

[Music]

oh Jesus I'm pressing this one here now what what's that why those two this volume well they're very close together

yeah you just press this and you put in your PIN that's ridiculous absolutely ridiculous now it keeps going

off on me now why does it do that the screen just times it goes to sleep well we're gonna turn that off because I I it

doesn't give me a second before it's gone again you really just like it's intense there it's gone again it's because you haven't used it for 10

seconds to seconds you can't do anything in 10 seconds camera on this is marvelous isn't it

it's a great shots you should get them printed what are these now they're notifications right and and what you

just you press them and then they'll open you press into them right okay yeah yeah okay let's put in your PIN

oh I don't know what that is now you know I'm going away for the

When Your Parents Go Away

weekend yeah yeah tell me like a hundred times yes I'm going away with my friend Geraldine yeah yeah did you thank her

for the jumper yes I did you did okay and remember what I said pet yeah don't open the door to anyone right okay

[Music] I am leaving you 20 Euro for pizza oh great there are conditions I want you to

Hoover the whole stairs and land it you have to clear out the garage the shed clean out the other varnish the doors

sand down the garden furniture fine I don't want it you can keep it what there are 15 cans of lager in that cabinet and

I have counted though aren't you supposed to be gone wait look I'm going I'm going right ocean I'm taking the

internet what why now it's not up for discussion what am I gonna do well you can read a book remember the black bin

goes out on the Monday yeah and the Greenville on the Fridays yes make sure they take the brown bin with the green

bin right because last time they didn't take their mint to take that I don't want that brown bit yes all right thank you okay okay okay rush I'm okay yes

remember to water the plants yeah I know yeah give them plenty of water yeah well I will but don't OverWatch them what for

emergencies I'm leaving you my credit card just an emergency okay

it's what I can't hear you I'm not shouting out my

PIN number it's just been everyone here you don't have to chase this two of us just tell me normally I just spare key hidden in the garden place where between

the acacia and the agapanthus I don't know what those plans are but when one has variegated leaves

oh that's Geraldine there right okay nice okay good boy yeah goodbye look

after yourself now okay and and and remember if I said now okay don't answer the door to oh okay okay good luck right

okay goodbye oh and and don't forget yes okay goodbye and no part no goodbye more

just go Jesus Christ

[Music] I forgot my keys

hello there ocean um I forgot my keys there now I'm not

When Your Parents Make You Do Gardening

supposed to answer the door to anyone what

I need your help in the garden oh no you promised oh shim right a small help yeah

they were the conditions I'm going to the Disco fine

look we'll be done in five minutes we'll be done in 20 minutes 14 hours what let's start with the Hedge grab the

garden shears we're not just use the electric one God no oh yeah of course now that would just make the job go

quickly far too dangerous far too dangerous I'm not spending the next 24 hours in a e yeah it would be more fun

than gardening I will give you five euro an hour five euro well I had to spend 400 Euro in all

the garden center stuff that's supposed to make me feel better is it knowing that you spend more on the garden than you do on me I spend enough on you

mister right yeah can we listen to a podcast no can we listen to music no can

we listen to the radio no you can listen to the birds ocean Nature's music how's

going on everyone if you're here to save him Barry you can wait another two hours

ocean could you give me the whole pet what does it say the whole of

sorry the I need a hoe you need you need a hoe yes

you need a hoe yes I need a hoe well I go get you a hoe yes could you get me a hoe please

oh that's anaconda's cash that's what that is oh where'd you pick it up [Music]

they're nice first they're weeds well I think there's the welfares

they're weeds pull them up why do they look nice they may look nice

the bees might like them but they're weeds pull them up a moment's filthy inside there's nothing

wrong with that glove it's brand new what is the point of a glove that's dirty on the inside

whether two of you now are a great help there's a b well now they are more

afraid of you than they have a bastard get away no do you see them there they are the delphiniums right and beside

them is the azaleas and here we have I think it's the Montana titilatus what

Montana titilatus

maybe we could take a break and have some ice creams oh yeah you haven't done anything baby

Magnums you know they're limited no we don't have any magnets need the frozen peas

I'll get them right that's it now

does it look great yeah no you should be very proud of yourself you did terrific work yeah it wasn't as bad as I thought

yeah and it'll be great now for when the gardeners come in tomorrow what we've given them a great head start here why

don't you just get the gardeners to do all this except 25 Euro an hour and the whole day rotate

When Your Parents Won't Let You Decorate The Tree

rotate rotate stop that side's a bit patchy your mom it's all the same no I preferred it the other

way rotate rotate I don't know why your father insists on

getting a monstrosity of a tree every year it's far too big where does he think it's going a shopping center the

car is destroyed pine needles everywhere AC Euro that fella in the tree place is a crook

is this the right box but he saw your father coming anyway mom is this the Box none shed my eye mom Joe I'd say he's

declaring only half that money Mom I have a right mind to go back down to him Mom there is no need that's the round

boxes right now I leave you to decorate it off okay okay great yeah I'm getting on with

the pudding here now okay I'd start with the lights oh yeah yeah okay okay yeah

from the bottom now not the top okay not the multicolored ones yeah

do you want to do this no ocean I don't want the flashing Mom it's like a disco I thought you were

leaving it to me right I'm gone I'm Gone the good decorations I need to go in the front so the people can see them from

the road so put them put that one there there now and that that jangly one there put that to the front there I don't have

time to use the plum pudding here don't group the large Barbers red then goes

then red then be careful with my porcelain Santa you put two Barbers right beside each other that one is very

expensive and then you have it hidden down below here don't Clump the acorns in like that that glass angel cost me

seven pounds in 1995. wow I'm far too busy to be doing this now well then go I

got this one when we were holidaying in Prague which has been a very exciting holiday Mom it's finished yes

rice job but we've done that all by yourself now have I

guess I should I would be very proud of that now it is absolutely perfect I wouldn't change a thing

I would not change it I put those baubles up a bit maybe and I bring the lights down and I move that angel over

here to the center somewhere the ribbons don't go with the candy canes and I completely change these words hey

Barry I won't even ask you how you got in you put another Christmas tree yes save yourself it's a bit big wonderfully

observed thank you mine's already up is it yeah well done Pat so since last

year [Music] needs more Brandy this is Flanagan

pudding delicious get out of that kitchen show me what you've touched up

Outro

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